AIBU to ask you for help to get pic of OW?

[Takebackcontrol]

This is perhaps a request too far for our little nest of vipers but what the hell - if you don't ask, you don't get. I hope someone out there can get a pic of my STBX with the OW?!

I left my abusive husband around 10 weeks ago with the suspicion that, aside from being a selfish, financially abusive twat, he may also have been having an affair. It took months of planning and secrecy and I left with the shirt on my back, some kids toys and the photograph albums under my arm.

I left him in the beautiful 3 storey, 4 bedroom house while I rent somewhere smaller with the children (as he can't afford 2 houses and I receive housing benefit now). He maintains he is devastated by our split and is so destitute that he can't afford to pay full child maintenance or for a babysitter when he mysteriously often needs to hand the children back early when it's his day to have them. Yet only 5 weeks later a car has been parked outside of my house (overnight) for a few times a week ever since. He was due to go on a 'fishing trip' with a friend who is paying for him, this weekend. I was convinced by a friend to let myself back into the house before he left and while he was at work to see if I could find any bullshit as it might stop me going so easy on him.

I reluctantly did and I found row upon row of new shoes, Hawaiian shirts and shorts, linen trousers, a passport and a suitcase all set out neatly ready for his 'fishing' trip the following day. I also found a new £500 amplifier, a new £470 games console and a bank statement showing thousands in a tax rebate and a £150 jewellery shop transaction from a week before I left him one morning before he went to work. But no sign of OW being there.

I quietly let myself out and kept quiet until he went away. I returned yesterday and the gods were smiling down on me. In his rush to leave, the arsehole had left the front door not only unlocked, but ajar. I felt it was a sign! Plus I prevented him from being burgled! This time, I found a cheap, dirty pink jacket in the kitchen along with her clothes balled up behind the bedroom door and a lovely list of 'things to do' and flight details left by hubby. She had also blatantly left her car stuck outside my house which will now be there for the week. Lovely. I've already had a few suggestions about what I might do to it but keep 'em coming.

As it's miles away and I'll be stuck with the kids, I am praying that there is someone out there near Gatwick next Friday night who might do a spot of candid camera for me. I don't know why I want it or what good it will do but I feel like it's just something I need. I would love to greet him there but would never do that to the kids.

It's not something I want him to be aware of as I have a few surprises for him when he gets back. I've sent a simple text to let him know about the door and how I've checked to make sure nothing is missing and locked up for him. He doesn't have signal where he's 'fishing' so probably can't call the kids while he's away.

Please do get in touch if you'd like the flight details and his picture? I can't afford a private investigator and the might of mumsnet might be a better choice! Anyone?

In law debts in the name of one spouse are only debts of that spouse. Sometimes spouses are persuaded to sign a personal guarantee or the credit card is in joint names but without that there is no liability for the debt. However on divorce all assets and liabilities at the date of working out the figures (not date of divorce) are worked out and what is left then split. So if there is say £500k in the bank and a couple split and then one has access to that and spends it and the only assets left is a 95% mortgaged house then what is left to be divided is hte 5% of equity int he house.

If you fear this as the wife of a man I know did you can, as she did, get the bank accounts frozen. In her case she was worried he would put about that sum into the company. Part of his work is they put their own cash in the investments they advise customers to invest in. She wanted it left safely as cash at bank. He might have wanted to invest it. She got a freezing order of all the cash sums.

Cheers, Greengrow.

You need to pay attention to that post, OP It may be wise to seek advice regarding freezing his assets before he blows the lot.

I suspect in this case she said between them they had only about £10k including the house so not a lot to make it worth freezing assets but I might be wrong.

Depends on what funds he's received recently and whether the equity in the house has increased since it was last valued. No harm in looking into this though

Some posters seem very hung up on this lock issue.

FWIW I changed the locks on my abusive ex in our marital home, after asking him to give us some space for a few days by staying at a mates. When the police came round after he began harassing us I told them and they took absolutely no notice. It might technically be against the law but practically it isn't acted on. You can refuse to give a new key. Then he has to approach a solicitor to order you to hand over a new one. You have the right to fit a bolt.

It might seem 'unfair' on the ex (if anyone cares), but being all 'you can't change the locks, it's illegal!!' is ridiculous in the face of protecting yourself and your DC from abuse.

You can change the locks if he is abusive. And you can call the police on him if he tries to gain access.

But in this case OP says the abuse is financial only so she has no right to try and prevent him having access to the property. If she changed the locks, she would have to give him a key.

And she has already moved out!!! There is no way she is going to give up a tenancy and move back in whilst he is on holiday with or without his mistress. The op already is failing to claim adequate maintenance or push finances. I don't forsee a sit in.

Had she wanted to get back in and he was abusive his being abroad for a week could give her a chance to get back to live in her own home with the children and use the week to get the non molestation order. By the way the law is changing to allow for financial and other abusive control, not just violence. Generally to men and women unless your life is in danger it tends to be most wise to stay in the home if there is a break down for all kinds of reasons.

what would cress seeds on a car bonnet do ? get blown away ?

"Mistress"!?

Is this the 15th century/.

Sorry arsenic I will get my branding iron :/