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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask you for help to get pic of OW?

211 replies

Takebackcontrol · 12/10/2014 02:43

This is perhaps a request too far for our little nest of vipers but what the hell - if you don't ask, you don't get. I hope someone out there can get a pic of my STBX with the OW?!

I left my abusive husband around 10 weeks ago with the suspicion that, aside from being a selfish, financially abusive twat, he may also have been having an affair. It took months of planning and secrecy and I left with the shirt on my back, some kids toys and the photograph albums under my arm.

I left him in the beautiful 3 storey, 4 bedroom house while I rent somewhere smaller with the children (as he can't afford 2 houses and I receive housing benefit now). He maintains he is devastated by our split and is so destitute that he can't afford to pay full child maintenance or for a babysitter when he mysteriously often needs to hand the children back early when it's his day to have them. Yet only 5 weeks later a car has been parked outside of my house (overnight) for a few times a week ever since. He was due to go on a 'fishing trip' with a friend who is paying for him, this weekend. I was convinced by a friend to let myself back into the house before he left and while he was at work to see if I could find any bullshit as it might stop me going so easy on him.

I reluctantly did and I found row upon row of new shoes, Hawaiian shirts and shorts, linen trousers, a passport and a suitcase all set out neatly ready for his 'fishing' trip the following day. I also found a new £500 amplifier, a new £470 games console and a bank statement showing thousands in a tax rebate and a £150 jewellery shop transaction from a week before I left him one morning before he went to work. But no sign of OW being there.

I quietly let myself out and kept quiet until he went away. I returned yesterday and the gods were smiling down on me. In his rush to leave, the arsehole had left the front door not only unlocked, but ajar. I felt it was a sign! Plus I prevented him from being burgled! This time, I found a cheap, dirty pink jacket in the kitchen along with her clothes balled up behind the bedroom door and a lovely list of 'things to do' and flight details left by hubby. She had also blatantly left her car stuck outside my house which will now be there for the week. Lovely. I've already had a few suggestions about what I might do to it but keep 'em coming.

As it's miles away and I'll be stuck with the kids, I am praying that there is someone out there near Gatwick next Friday night who might do a spot of candid camera for me. I don't know why I want it or what good it will do but I feel like it's just something I need. I would love to greet him there but would never do that to the kids.

It's not something I want him to be aware of as I have a few surprises for him when he gets back. I've sent a simple text to let him know about the door and how I've checked to make sure nothing is missing and locked up for him. He doesn't have signal where he's 'fishing' so probably can't call the kids while he's away.

Please do get in touch if you'd like the flight details and his picture? I can't afford a private investigator and the might of mumsnet might be a better choice! Anyone?

OP posts:
certifiedloon · 12/10/2014 10:36

My reading of this is that the OP is not in a good place at all. She has been sucked into the emotional drama of it all - revenge, game playing, 'getting angry' etc - when the pressing issue should be sorting out her financial entitlement.

I cant see how attacking her is going to help.

OP, see a solicitor ASAP. Dont play games and resist the urge to fuel the drama.

Good luck.

NewEraNewMindset · 12/10/2014 10:36

Morris thank you for the name check.

Takebackcontrol · 12/10/2014 10:37

Thanks LittlePeaPod you cheered me up and I'll now go about my day and perhaps not enter virtual chats again too soon (until I'm a bit less fragile) x

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 12/10/2014 10:40

Good idea, I hope you have as good a day as possible. Wink Wine

NewEraNewMindset · 12/10/2014 10:40

Takebackcontrol - there are some FABULOUS people who will help you re. legalities on this forum. Just write something less contentious and more practical in the relevant sub sections and I'm sure you will get some help. I'm so sorry you and your children are going through this.

Takebackcontrol · 12/10/2014 10:42

Thanks NewEraNewMindset

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesCake · 12/10/2014 10:43

Hold on. He left the door open. Anyone could have walked in and picked up a spare pair of keys. He's left the house unsecure so she really does need to change the locks.

I'd move back in with the dc and send him a text, saying the front door was open so you've had to change the locks. You're staying to make sure it's safe. Then go and see a solicitor. Take copies of his bank statements as well as you'll need them for maintenance.

AlpacaYourThings · 12/10/2014 10:45

Agree with Shirley and paperclip

LadySybilLikesCake · 12/10/2014 10:47

Sorry, TakeBack. I didn't mean to refer to you as 'she'.

You're so brave to have left Smile Thanks I really do think you need to get legal advice though. Sounds like he'd be happy for you to walk away with nothing when you contribute so much towards looking after his children.

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 10:48

Just FYI, OP. Now that you've moved out and rented a new place then

a - it's going to be very very hard to get your name put on the deeds of the family home

and

b - if you do you might find a bit of a difficulty with housing benefit. As you will own a house. Jointly. With your ex. Which you would be expected to live in.

Hope this helps.

SoonToBeSix · 12/10/2014 10:50

Confused as to why you were the one to leave , you don't mention abuse other than financial so why didn't you stand your ground and insist he left?

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 10:51

Wasn't her house, SoonToBeSix, the house belongs to him, she's not on the deeds Confused

Waltermittythesequel · 12/10/2014 10:52

If you're married you have a legal entitlement to part of the house.

Also, perhaps this is morally reprehensible but you could change the locks because the door was swinging open so it's a security issue.

Just saying!

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 10:55

Really, OP, you've left yourself in a dodgy legal position. If anything at all has happened to that house while he's away, you're not right in the frame.

Why do you still have keys? Have you not had to give them back? It's not your house, you have committed a trespass by going in there without his permission.

Imagine how you would feel if he did this to you, in your new house. Poked about your wardrobes, found your bank statements and had a good read. Planned all the "surprises" he was going to have for you when you got back from your holiday.

You should have called the police when you realised the door was open. And you never should have gone in in the first place when he was at work. You need more sensible friends.

You need to go to a solicitor and do this the right, legal way. All this private eye sleuthing and illegal entry will not end well for you.

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 10:56

Walter - she could change the locks. If she owned the house. But she would have to give him a copy of the keys. And she would have to go to equity to prove a legal entitlement to the house.

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 10:58

Sorry - in the situation where she is not on the deeds of the house she will have to make an application to the court.

Greengrow · 12/10/2014 11:00

hang on - they are married. It does not matter whose name the house is in. She can get 100% possession of it if he has been abusive and move back in. There is a legal right - a wife's right of occupation of the matrimonial home. She also needs to ensure her right is registered at the Land Registry.

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 11:01

But her right to it isn't registered. And she hasn't claimed he has been abusive.

Confused
Waltermittythesequel · 12/10/2014 11:06

She's married to him, it's the family home.

She can go back whenever she likes as long as they're still married. She doesn't have to apply to court for that.

And, yes of course she'd have to give him a set of keys but not while he's out of the country!

Fairenuff · 12/10/2014 11:09

I don't think OP is a new poster, she refers to us as 'our little nest of vipers' which is a phrase that a new poster probably wouldn't use.

OP have you actually taken legal advice and, if so, what did you solicitor say about you moving the children out of their home?

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 11:10

All I can think is that the OP has changed a lot of details to make herself anonymous and in the process has changed so many that the story doesn't quite read the way she intended it to.

If you had months to plan, would you not make part of the planning to leave process, getting legal advice? And making sure you had occupation orders and the like in place and abuse recorded?

LadySybilLikesCake · 12/10/2014 11:12

If she sends him a text saying the house was unsecure and she's had to change the locks and there's a set of keys waiting, but seeks legal advice ASAP before he gets back, that would be in the OP's best interests. It's a bit late to call the police because the door was open and there's no knowing whether someone's been in there and taken a set of keys or looked around with the view of going back to break in and take as much as they can. It would make sense for the OP to move back in to keep the house safe until her ex gets back. If the OP see's a solicitor straight away and the legal route is taken for her to stay there with her children, then hey ho.

It's still the marital home.

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 11:16

How's the OP going to afford a solicitor on a self employed career that doesn't pay very much but she hasn't disclosed abuse so she won't be eligible for legal aid?

LadySybilLikesCake · 12/10/2014 11:18

Legal centre? The CAB will be able to point her in the right direction. I can get legal advice from my household insurance company. There's places to go for legal advice.

Takebackcontrol · 12/10/2014 11:19

I have taken legal advice - it's our marital home and we bought it together - though his name is on the deeds. He isn't legally allowed to deny me access and I had access while we still had pets in common that needed sorting. Once that was done, I haven't been back in. All actions I have taken have re gathering bits and pieces in secrecy I've done at the advice of Women's Aid and the solicitor I spoke to.

As for the door being open, I was shocked at the time as he's really fastidious about things like that. I doubt insurance would have covered any theft. It was only 6 or 7 hours after he left that I discovered it like that and I'll suggest he changes locks in case anyone took copies of the keys that were sitting in the locks and are waiting to return. I honestly think his girlfriend may have opened a door and he didn't realise.

I have no plans to take any of 'his' stuff and only opened a statement when I found that he had a few of mine he'd opened after I left that he hadn't forwarded on. At least he'll see I have no secret money!

I have no wish to diminish the pain and anguish so many posters on here have gone through, nor do I think anyone should think I haven't suffered my own fair share for the last 10 years. I find that I can use fun and friends as a coping mechanism. I know ultimately any bitterness or actual revenge will only make me feel much worse in the long run.

papercliplover I definitely need to give some thought to what you said about now having my name on the deeds re housing benefit. All fun aside, as it turns out it was a blessing that I owned nothing and had nothing with my name on it - I was like a ghost in the system. I certainly don't want to jeoporadise my current situation for the sake of a few thousand. I had my Mum's inheritance tied up in the property and garden though again this will all probably clear the debts he has first. It wasn't much but I suppose it was her legacy. Maybe I'll ask for a tree when it's eventually sold.

I know everyone keeps saying put him out on his ear and were we without kids, I would. It may be unrealistic and probably won't last but for now but as it's a recent split I want the kids to have a nice place to go to with all of their things when they visit him. I think ultimately, he'll lose the house if he continues to spend money like water. I can let him live in his bubble for a bit longer and at least get full child maintenance (this is an ongoing application - new system grr)

OP posts: