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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be very concerned that DD2 is now telling lies about me to her form Tutor.

584 replies

smokepole · 10/09/2014 16:28

I know it seems like every week, that DD2 is up to something than she apologizes and says sorry. However, I am very angry with her now , I got a phone call from DDs form tutor telling me that she seen DD2 and friend Julie working round the town 'drinking' beer from a can with some 'undesirable' non 'grammar school' boys (expect to get flamed for that) on Friday night. They were both supposed to have been in the Cinema . The form teacher approached them and asked them what was in the can ( butter would not melt in the mouth) DD said the can was empty and 'would not ever drink alcohol' 'Lovely to see you miss ' . The form tutor was having nothing of it so pulled them both Monday morning , Julie admitted to drinking beer, DD still denied she had drunk any Alcohol. DD then burst in to tears saying I am throwing her out after she has done her GCSEs because I am moving to Cheshire and that she is not allowed to come. DD asked her form teacher ' can I stay with you miss for sixth form'.

I told DD about two weeks ago that we were moving to Trafford in July after her GCSEs and DS school year ends, she fluctuates from being ok to swearing and slamming bedroom doors. The main reason I am going is for DD2 and DS , to give them a better chance, there really is nothing for them on the Kent coast. The thing is I keep 'grounding ' her and taking 10% of her allowance of her , she then returns to being the loving caring daughter I know she is.

The form tutor has given DD and Julie a detention, Julie for drinking, DD one for lying. DDs form teacher is very concerned about DDS behaviour and why she is acting like a year 7 ( incidentally she was so focused in year 7 overcoming her difficulties) she never behaved anything like this. This is the reason why her form tutor is very 'fond' of her. The form tutor told DD that year 11 is 'not the right time' for this behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
smokepole · 10/09/2014 16:29

That she had seen DD2 and friend Julie.

OP posts:
Original poster
smokepole · 10/09/2014 16:30

WALKING round the town.

OP posts:
Beetlemilk · 10/09/2014 16:33

I'm not sure about the form tutor getting involved in this without speaking to you first. It's a parenting issue.

ElleMcFearsome · 10/09/2014 16:34

I fail to see why school is giving detention for what they do out of school on a Friday night - but maybe I'm missing something? I agree that in Yr 11 they should be working hard, but seriously - a can of beer when they're 16 really isn't the end of the world (in my book anyway). That said, lying to re going to the cinema and then choosing to hang about in town isn't really on either.

Is she moving to Trafford with you? Or is the 'throwing her out' comment because she doesn't want to go?

Thanks because every time I think I've got my DDs (18 and 16) sorted something crops up and I feel like I'm banging my head off the wall again...

LadyLuck10 · 10/09/2014 16:36

Is she the dd who made those vile comments about you a few weeks ago? About not going to university or something like that. It seems as though she is going down a fast route to becoming one of those truly awful teenager and then adult. She's lying about drinking and then spreading lies about you. I'm not sure what you are going to do but I do feel sorry for you.

YouTheCat · 10/09/2014 16:38

Tbh it really is none of the teacher's business and giving a detention for something outside of school hours is not on. Fair enough for the teacher to talk to them about it.

The lying is because she is a teenager who is trying to get sympathy. I don't see why you'd take 10% of her pocket money. I'd take all of it for the lying.

BeachyKeen · 10/09/2014 16:38

but...it wasn't at school, right? So why is the punishment/person they had to account to/repercussions at school?
I don't get it.
Confused
This should be between you, your DD, and her father, not the school.

jellybelly701 · 10/09/2014 16:39

I'm not sure why her form tutor is punishing her for something she has been doing completely out of school hours. This seems a bit odd to me.

Your DD should not be telling lies about you to anyone. she should also not be lying to you in regards to her whereabouts. I would probably ground her until she has been proved to be trustworthy again.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 10/09/2014 16:39

I'm not sure about the form tutor getting involved in this without speaking to you first. It's a parenting issue.

This. Why didn't she call you in if she was so concerned? Also agree that a can of beer round town is probably not uncommon for 16 year olds (granted she shouldn't have lied to you) but the tutor should not have got involved (unless she thought they were in danger), she should have called you on the monday.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 10/09/2014 16:40

PS I agree that 10% is not enough of a dock for lying. You need to come down on her harder.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 10/09/2014 16:42

Sorry op but couldn't get past laughing at your undesirable non grammar school boys

Hilarious.

The form tutor interfering with your dd out of school time is quite frankly wierd.

cheerears · 10/09/2014 16:47

My children are not in senior school yet, so I have no idea about protocols etc, but surely the teacher was absolutely right to challenge the girls about drinking if she had seen it? Not entirely sure she was right to carry it over into school on the Monday, but I think I would be very glad if a teacher had stepped in the way she did on the Friday. You wouldn't expect a nurse to remain off duty if she saw someone that needed assistance.

I'm assuming you've had some involvement in this as you know what has been said between the teacher and the girls. Are you happy with the teacher's handling?

Anyway in answer to your actual OP I think yes this would be concerning. I'd have hated to be taken away from my friends as a teenager so she may well be reacting to that. On the other hand, she may also sense it is a get out of jail free card - I remember pulling a similar stunt at school about lack of homework and made an operation my mum had sound a lot more serious than it was Blush

What is the rest of her behaviour like? Is this a silly one off or are there other flags such as grades slipping, money missing etc?

LumpenproletariatAndProud · 10/09/2014 16:51

I wouldn't have mentioned moving until after the GCSE's. Seems as though this is the catalyst.

burtsbeessting · 10/09/2014 16:52

Blimey lady - I think that's ridiculously harsh. She sounds like a typical, daft, drama queen of a teenager to me.

She'll probably grow up to be a perfectly lovely young woman who realises what a daft drama queen she was at 16! :)

hippo123 · 10/09/2014 17:00

To be honest is drinking a can of beer at 16 that bad? I'm guessing she wasn't really drunk as she was talking to the teacher ok at the time. If the worse your 16 year old is doing is having a can of beer I think you are quite lucky.

MimiSunshine · 10/09/2014 17:00

Have you actually sat down and discussed the move with your daughter? Appreciate you may have done but from your OP it seems like you just told her it was happening.

I'm not surprised she's acting up, moving from Kent to the North West(and Trafford is in Greater Manchester not Cheshire) is going to seem like moving to another planet at her age.

Have you taken her up there to visit the area, to explore Manchester City Centre and to start to find out about colleges / 6th forms? Told her friends can come up to visit etc.

I thin you need to walk her through this more slowly, if her Grammar school has a 6th form that everyone automatically goes on to, she's probably worried about going to a new one and being the only person there who doesn't know anyone.

DownByTheRiverside · 10/09/2014 17:04

'I told DD about two weeks ago that we were moving to Trafford in July after her GCSEs and DS school year ends, she fluctuates from being ok to swearing and slamming bedroom doors. '

And there's nothing she can do about it. 15 years of her life and she's uprooted and going to be moved without any consultation or input. Not going on to 6th form with her friends.
I'm not surprised she's kicking up a fuss and causing trouble any way she can.

TracyBarlow · 10/09/2014 17:05

When I was 16 I went to the pub in town and my teachers were on a pub crawl. A couple of them bought me drinks. I don't think drinking a can of beer at 16 is bad. I think it's normal.

She's probably just upset that you're moving her away from all her mates, which is entirely understandable. Unless there's a lot more background to this, I'd say it was completely normal teen girl behaviour.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 10/09/2014 17:06

Cheersears during training as a RGN ( nurse) we were advised to not get involved in incidents/accidents while off duty due to the culture of suing.

I think the tutor totally overstepped the mark here and to be honest I think she interfered.

Fudgeface123 · 10/09/2014 17:08

Not normal in my opinion for 16 year olds to have cans of beer

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 10/09/2014 17:13

Also year 11 is totally the right time to swig one can of beer! She wasn't drunk was she?

I am also amazed that you told her you are leaving the area with no previous discussions with a 16 year old. My dds of similar ages would be gobsmacked at that. Didn't you discuss it first as a family with her?

Totally gobsmacked at your undesirable comments too.

DownByTheRiverside · 10/09/2014 17:16

The OP's concern is that her DD is lying about her to her tutor.
I agree that the tutor overstepped the mark, her authority doesn't extend outside the school, but the question was about the daughter's lying.
OP, your daughter thought she was doing A levels at the 6th form in Kent, and now she's going to be moved hundreds of miles away to Trafford at a very vulnerable age. How involved has she been in this decision?

feathermucker · 10/09/2014 17:23

It isn't the form tutor's job to issue punishments for things that happen out of school. I agree she definitely should've brought it to your attention (and the other parent/s involved) and then you could've dealt with it.

googoodolly · 10/09/2014 18:08

Unless your DD was in uniform, her form teacher has no business punishing her for drinking out of school hours at the weekend.

But I'm not surprised she's angry at you for uprooting her at 16. That's a pretty vulnerable age for a teenager and I know most parents would at least discuss it rather than announce it flat out. Does she know you're doing it for her younger siblings benefit and not hers? Because that must really sting if so.

Original poster
smokepole · 10/09/2014 18:24

The form tutor asked me if she should 'punish' DD for the 'lying' . The form tutor thinks '15' year old's not yet 16 should not be drinking on the street. I agree with her , I have known her for 5 years she does not think her 'responsibility' stops at 3.30 pm if she sees her 'girls' behaving in a dangerous or in-appropriate manner. The form tutor believes both girls needed reprimanding: A for the Under Age Drinking B: for the In-appropriate company they were keeping. I am exceptionally grateful that she is not one of the new 'school' of teachers who who's responsibility stops when the bell goes. If both girls had been wearing school uniform , they would probably have been suspended, It is still wrong even not wearing school uniform.

DD has known for a couple of years that I want to move away, she also knows its in her best 'interests that we do, DS who is in year 9 is looking forward to the move. DD has spent plenty of time with her cousins in 'Cheshire' ( I Know where Trafford is) so knows where she is going.

I admit it is a difficult time to move, but for me its 'now or never' has I have been putting the move off for 10 years. DD actually wanted to go the 'great school' ( we all know which one) and was happy to be moving away to live near her cousins.

I also 'fear' this part of Kent gets worse by the week, it is becoming a place where even the 'Rats ' don't go at night. I need to get DD away from the area as quickly as possible and get her near my brother and family.

P.S DD1 never behaved anything like this at 15/16 she has just laid in to DD2 for her 'selfish' and stupid behaviour. DD1 told her' when you go to school for 7 years with Idiots like the ones you are hanging with' The last thing you want , is to be anywhere near them'.

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