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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very concerned that DD2 is now telling lies about me to her form Tutor.

584 replies

smokepole · 10/09/2014 16:28

I know it seems like every week, that DD2 is up to something than she apologizes and says sorry. However, I am very angry with her now , I got a phone call from DDs form tutor telling me that she seen DD2 and friend Julie working round the town 'drinking' beer from a can with some 'undesirable' non 'grammar school' boys (expect to get flamed for that) on Friday night. They were both supposed to have been in the Cinema . The form teacher approached them and asked them what was in the can ( butter would not melt in the mouth) DD said the can was empty and 'would not ever drink alcohol' 'Lovely to see you miss ' . The form tutor was having nothing of it so pulled them both Monday morning , Julie admitted to drinking beer, DD still denied she had drunk any Alcohol. DD then burst in to tears saying I am throwing her out after she has done her GCSEs because I am moving to Cheshire and that she is not allowed to come. DD asked her form teacher ' can I stay with you miss for sixth form'.

I told DD about two weeks ago that we were moving to Trafford in July after her GCSEs and DS school year ends, she fluctuates from being ok to swearing and slamming bedroom doors. The main reason I am going is for DD2 and DS , to give them a better chance, there really is nothing for them on the Kent coast. The thing is I keep 'grounding ' her and taking 10% of her allowance of her , she then returns to being the loving caring daughter I know she is.

The form tutor has given DD and Julie a detention, Julie for drinking, DD one for lying. DDs form teacher is very concerned about DDS behaviour and why she is acting like a year 7 ( incidentally she was so focused in year 7 overcoming her difficulties) she never behaved anything like this. This is the reason why her form tutor is very 'fond' of her. The form tutor told DD that year 11 is 'not the right time' for this behaviour.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 10/09/2014 22:25

The form tutor told them that they are too good for the boys and that they are demeaning them-selves and their self worth by socialising with them

It gets better by the minute.

Mandyandme · 10/09/2014 22:26

I now refuse to go back up there. It is depressing. You can see the rain clouds as you approach Stafford and the sky darkens and on the way back you do not see the sunshine until you get south of Stafford.

ilovesooty · 10/09/2014 22:27

Perhaps the OP thinks there are no PRUs in Trafford.

Mandyandme · 10/09/2014 22:27

Oh and maybe the form tutor should stop being a teacher when the school bell rings. That would have seriously peed me off. I don't think there is anything laudable about the form teachers actions

Original poster
smokepole · 10/09/2014 22:28

Its totally amazing that my style of writing comes in to it and conforms to the stereotype of Mumsnet . That there are posters who like to dismantle people who did not have the benefit of the great education they surely had. They do this rather than actually saying anything useful to the debate.

Admit. you clearly are from the South East of England if you think Kent has less undesirables than Manchester. The area I am talking about is as far removed from Manchester as Leytonstone is from Beaconsfield .

What's funny about Julie (A made up name by the way) perhaps I should have called her Dandelion'

OP posts:
queenofthemountains · 10/09/2014 22:28

The constant grey skies, I'd forgotten about them.

Hakluyt · 10/09/2014 22:30

I am assuming that none of this is actually true.............

Original poster
smokepole · 10/09/2014 22:31

None of what is actually true.

OP posts:
Unexpected · 10/09/2014 22:38

You are way too hung up on the details here - lose all the quotation marks and brackets. If you said that you were concerned that your dd was hanging around with really unsuitable teenagers that would have been sufficient. We don't need to know that they are "non grammar school" and one is at a "pupil referral unit". The occupations of Julie's parents and brother are completely irrelevant too.

Your relationship with your dd sounds unhealthy on both sides, although your dd appears to be acting in a fairly typical teenagerish way. Your writing style comes across as Outraged of Tunbridge Wells and if you interact with your daughter in the same way, I have visions of Hyacinth Bouquet style interchanges with her.

Mandyandme · 10/09/2014 22:39

I actually come from an area in Manchester which had the joke a few years ago

What is the difference between MS and Serbia..... There are more guns in MS.

MS makes anything in Kent look positively up market. And remember Timperley is a mere 6 miles from MS. Used to live around there and other areas you have mentioned. We moved to be in a nicer area but as all my friends lived around MS that is where you would find me. What happens if you move and your dd then goes back to Kent?

I think you have been looking at the footballers mansions around Hale and it has seriously swayed your judgement.

Hakluyt · 10/09/2014 22:39

Well, I have a "grammar school girl" too- and if her teachers had tried to punish her for hanging around with ""non grammar school boys" I would have been incandescent and told them to take themselves back to the 1950s, rather than thinking of what else I could do to punish her........l. But they wouldn't have. Because they know what the boundaries are.

Original poster
smokepole · 10/09/2014 22:42

Why did I just get a flurry of negative posts directed at me!

Am I not allowed to move where I want to without getting nasty posts as for dismal, try Romney Marsh, Dover, Folkestone, Chatham, Ashford. There really is nothing there.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 10/09/2014 22:44

From previous posts I thought this girl was a stroppy little madam. I'm beginning to feel sorry for her.

Here we have :

An older daughter about to go to university who won't be particularly affected by the move
A son who's looking forward to it and whose uncle will pay if he doesn't get into the right school
And a middle child under pressure to get good GCSE grades who's just told to uproot herself to the other end of the country away from her friends.

All this driven by an obsession with the minutae of education and some weird idea of outward respectability.

MarkWrightsLonelyBraincell · 10/09/2014 22:47

What's MS Mandy Moss Side? Sorry being thick Grin
OP you are in for disappointment, Mcr, like anywhere, has it's good bits and it's not so good. Even if you move to a grammar area, it still borders areas where the so called "undesirables" live. (Normal none grammar kids then?)
If you carry on the way you are you'll be pushing her into the arms of the nearest bad boy, just to piss you off.

wannabestressfree · 10/09/2014 22:58

Actually there is plenty to do in some of the towns you have listed. I happen to be from one. Coming from a town doesn't mean you are stuck in the immediate vicinity. What about broadstairs, Canterbury, etcetera?
I fear you are deluded and it may bite you on the arse.

Anotherchapter · 10/09/2014 23:02

I live in trafford. The only half decent thing is the trafford Center oh and you can go skiing Hmm

You must be mad.

Original poster
smokepole · 10/09/2014 23:03

Hakluyt. DD1 want to a Modern school 25 miles from home and had to stay with her father because it was the best school available so I am not a school snob, I just want the most appropriate one.

The point was not they were non grammar pupils, but that they really are not very nice or desirable, an 18 year old who beats up his girlfriends . I thank the form teacher for talking to DD and letting her know she is better then them. Sometimes people need to be reminded what they can achieve and that going down a certain path, puts that in jeopardy.

I really wish I had a form teacher like that at my Kent modern school in the 1980s .Someone who maybe could have given me some valuable life experience and help me avoid my many mistakes.

OP posts:
Anotherchapter · 10/09/2014 23:04

Plus there is a sewage plant - it fookin REEKS in the summer.

Anotherchapter · 10/09/2014 23:05

Actually can't believe your moving to trafford for a better life ....

What area?

Notso · 10/09/2014 23:09

You might think you are doing the right thing in moving but you are moving her at such a horrible stage in life it's no wonder she's rebelling (if you can call a swig of beer and being seen with boys from a high school rebelling).

My Dad suggested to me when I was 15 I apply to go to a residential art college because I was hanging round with drug dealers and getting stoned every night. I ran away from home for three weeks.
Now I see he was totally trying to do the right thing, then I took it as he hated me and wanted to ruin my life.

You need to talk to her and connect with her, getting her detentions and stopping her pocket money aren't going to build any bridges. She is less than two months from 16, whilst she's not an adult, she's not a little girl anymore either.

Stratter5 · 10/09/2014 23:49

Have a DD slightly older than yours, 16 about to turn 17; she's just moved into Y12. Also at a grammar school.

Hell would freeze over before I moved her between GCSEs and A levels. I will be moving to a different area as soon as she has finished school. At the moment, I consider it to be far too disruptive to uproot her. Why can you not delay the move until she's finished her A levels?

As for the drinking, that's par for the course with kids of her age, I don't agree with it, but unless you can perform miracles, you are going to find it damn near impossible to police. The 'undesirables' she's meeting up with, again there's not a lot you can do about it, other than make it logistically more difficult for her to meet them, and explain nicely why you are worried.

As for the form tutor, personally I think she's doing more harm than good. It's absolutely NOT for her to be dictating what her pupils do out of school.

ilovesooty · 10/09/2014 23:57

Why can you not delay the move until she's finished her A levels?

Presumably because she'll miss the boat for moving her son before GCSEs start. Her daughter must be wondering who the priority is here.

Agree with the rest of your post.

JeanSeberg · 11/09/2014 06:20

So to the Manchester haters - the only things you can think to say about the place are the weather, guns and Trafford Centre...

Ooh it's grim up north.

So you never go to the theatres, museums, art galleries, Cornerhouse, any of the stunning libraries, concerts, bars, restaurants ... Think that says more about you than Manchester personally!

mollypup · 11/09/2014 06:41

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Balaboosta · 11/09/2014 07:09

Sorry OP I think you are over-dramatising all this. Your daughter needs support to deal with the idea of moving and some privacy and space in her social life. She is lying because she wants a bit of breathing space. I fear you are pushing her away.