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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and a shit friend to go on this date?

172 replies

jammygem · 25/08/2014 10:18

Disclaimer: I'm aware that this situation makes us sound like schoolgirls. Unfortunately the last time I was in this kind of situation I was a schoolgirl, so have no idea if I'm BU.

Backstory: My friend/colleague fancied another friend/colleague, and when he found out he tried to let her down gently. In his rejection he was a bit too nice, so it dragged it on a lot longer when she became convinced that 'he must like me, he's being so nice about it', 'he told me that he could never say never to anything, so that means if I just hold out we'll get together in the future, right?' etc

She has since told me that she would be 'devastated' if he had any kind of relationship with anyone else so soon after their 'thing', and has specifically banned me from having anything to do with him outside of work. Problem is, he has asked me out on a date this evening, and I have accepted - we have known each other for a long time, have always got on really well, and have both previously held a candle for the other (both unluckily timed when the other was in a relationship)

I really do love my friend, but I resent that she has banned me from seeing him when absolutely nothing ever happened between them. She has a history of over-thinking things if she fancies a bloke, and so the drawn-out rejection is quite a common thing - and it's really difficult to watch, because I don't like to see her get hurt but she won't listen to anyone who says it would be best to move on. We aren't planning to tell her that we are going on a date - not from guilt necessarily, but because neither of us wants to upset her.

Basically, AIBU to go on this date tonight? Does it make me a really bad friend? Or was she BU banning me from seeing him outside work?

For the record, both him and me are moving on to different jobs soon, so it fingers crossed shouldn't be a problem at work.

OP posts:
CatKisser · 25/08/2014 10:21

She's being really unreasonable but I get your problem.
I'd go on the date and see how it goes. It'll probably involve an awkward conversation with your friend fairly soon but who on earth thinks they can go around "banning" people from spending time with each other?!

Bigbottomtwirl · 25/08/2014 10:22

She banned you from seeing him? What did you say to that?

Coolas · 25/08/2014 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaisyFlowerChain · 25/08/2014 10:23

The banning is OTT and childish but she's hurting and people do daft things when hurt.

I'd feel utterly betrayed if my best friend did this to me so soon after and would think they were never my friend to start with.

If you truly like him and he you, do the decent thing and wait a while to allow your friend time to get over it and not be hurt.

LineRunner · 25/08/2014 10:24

I'm not surprised that you resent her 'banning' you from seeing him. I would go for a drink with this bloke, and tell her it was happening. And tell her to get over herself while you're at it.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 25/08/2014 10:26

She is BU so if you go out with him she is likely to B incredibly U about that as well. If you are prepared to potentially lose her friendship then go for it. I cannot see this ending well for you both as she sounds like hard work.

Original poster
jammygem · 25/08/2014 10:26

The banning came around the time I was going through a bad break-up, so it phrased in a kind of 'well you'd be upset if anyone got together with X, so you get why I wouldn't want you seeing him, right?'
I think at the time I was so side-tracked with trying to cheer her up and make her move on that it wasn't until afterwards that I realised quite what the implications were.

OP posts:
x2boys · 25/08/2014 10:27

I was kind of in the same situation friend had a fling with a mutual friends brother she read much more into it than he did fast forward a couple of years I met the brother we got on started a relationship I lost my friend over it but a gained a husband and a two children!

RonaldMcDonald · 25/08/2014 10:27

Not unreasonable but there is no need to go out with someone that will upset your friend

Go out with someone else

NacMacFeeglie · 25/08/2014 10:30

I wouldn't do this to my friend. At the very least I would talk to her first. As we are on a school girl theme...chicks before dicks Smile

x2boys · 25/08/2014 10:30

By the way I think your friend is being very unreasonable she never had a thing with this man he may have inadvertantly led her to believe something might happen by saying never say never but that was probably out of kindness!

ChasedByBees · 25/08/2014 10:31

Totally disagree with Ronald. OP's not going out with him because he could be anyone. She's going out with him because he is him. An individual which is not interchangeable with any other man.

DinoSnores · 25/08/2014 10:31

YANBU.

I don't get the impression that she'd ever be okay with it so waiting isn't going to change things and I don't see why you can't go on a date with someone she had a crush on but no relationship.

Go on the date, enjoy it with a clear conscience, and see what happens. You can't make decisions based on the imagining of other drama queens people.

Original poster
jammygem · 25/08/2014 10:32

I don't want to upset or lose my friend but I do feel like she's being ridiculous. He rejected her nearly 4 months ago now. She has been flirting and trying to start things with several other men, yet he is not allowed to see any other women, especially me.

I was hoping that we could just keep things really quiet, not tell anyone at all, and then if it does feel like it's leading somewhere more serious, then somehow tell her. Hopefully by that time it wouldn't be as big a problem? Confused

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 25/08/2014 10:33

Did your friend suspect that you and him liked each other hence her 'banning'?

I'd go out with him and see how it goes - if you then decide you want to see him again you need to tell her. But I suspect that will be the end of your friendship.

Original poster
jammygem · 25/08/2014 10:34

(Aware I'm jumping the gun there though - I just want some idea in my head how I'm going to play this if it does come to that)

OP posts:
AryaOfHouseSnark · 25/08/2014 10:34

Oh dear, how close are you ? Do you think you're close enough to talk about how she other thinks things?
I wouldn't be happy that she banned you from seeing him either, do you think she has picked up on some chemistry between you 2 ? Has she done it before.
Do you think you and colleague / friend will stay in touch when you leave ?
Grin sorry about all the questions.

No, I don't think it makes you a shit friend, I have been in your friends situation and really liked a boy (we were at school so he was a boy), I didn't have a clue that my friend also like him, he asked her out and she said yes, I dint know till she came to my house in tears to tell me. I was 14 and understood that I didn't have a claim on him, we hadn't gone out, kissed or even held hands Grin
I don't think she can expect you to not see someone because she fancies him. I take it they haven't been on a date or anything to mislead her to think she has day chance ?
I don't necessarily think you should mislead her though, if you want to continue the friendship you should be comfortable to be honest with her.

StoneTheFlamingCrows · 25/08/2014 10:34

A friend of mine had a ons with a man. He wasn't interested in anything else.

Several months later I met him at a party and we really hit it off. I was nearly a year out of a horrible break up and was just ready to start dating again. He was the first guy I met who I seemed to have anything in common with. I knew there would've trouble but he pursued me and I went along with it. 4 years later we have a 3 year old dd. my friend unfortunately didn't really speak to me again. I can totally understand why she was upset/pissed off, but i didn't set out to hurt her and it seemed ridiculous to not let things happen with my dp when we were clearly attracted to each other and nothing was ever going to happen anyway with him and my friend.

KoalaDownUnder · 25/08/2014 10:35

How long ago did this 'banning' Hmm happen?

Because I think she IBU, but if it was only last week, it would be kind to let the dust settle a bit...

x2boys · 25/08/2014 10:36

It really depends how you feel about this man jammy your friend sounds immature and childish but from my own experience if you really like this man don't not have a relationship with him because of your friend in my case I lost my friend but found my soul mate!

KoalaDownUnder · 25/08/2014 10:37

Oh, sorry - thread moving quickly!

Four months?? I think you can go on a date with him.

AuntieStella · 25/08/2014 10:37

Going out with someone's actual ex can be a problem, but he was recipient of a crush not a participant in a relationship (I'm assuming that they never did anything date-like together).

Yes, she's being totally unreasonable. But no amount of peoole saying that here will make one whit of difference to how she sees it.

Go on the date. It might or might not lead to more dates.

But you do need to think about what you say to her and when. My thoughts FWIW is afterwards, and along the lines of 'oh yes, I remember you saying something about that, but as you never actually went out with him in the end, I didn't think it was the same'.

RonaldMcDonald · 25/08/2014 10:38

I think that when you have to pretend you aren't doing something...then you know that there is something wrong in what you are doing

Either speak to her about it and explain what you feel
or
Don't go on the date

Knowing and acknowledging that taking a particular course of action will hurt your friend
Discarding that her feelings are reasonable
Rationalising your course of action as okay as it suits what you want to do
Not telling her that you are going to do the thing she feels might upset her most

Doesn't sound like the best planned actions of a friend tbh
Speak to her, be honest = ta da

stripedtortoise · 25/08/2014 10:38

She's being unreasonable and childish, however you could lose a good friend over this. In time she'll get over him, but at the moment she's hurting and hurt people do and say silly things.
I wouldn't go. My friendship with her would mean more than a 'date' that might end up going nowhere

Original poster
jammygem · 25/08/2014 10:38

Ronald, it's not about going out with any guy though. As ChasedByBees says, it's because it's him. We've always got on so well, always having a laugh, share the same interests outside work, and he really is very lovely.

I don't think she knows that we liked each other, although I know that she suspected that the 'only reason he's saying no to me is because he wants you' - which having spoken to him, was definitely not the case. There are also (and have been for a long time) jokes at work about how well us two get on, and about how long it is before we marry, that kind of thing. While all this was going on with her though I did ask people if they could shut up about that out of respect for her feelings.

OP posts: