AIBU and a shit friend to go on this date?

[jammygem]

Disclaimer: I'm aware that this situation makes us sound like schoolgirls. Unfortunately the last time I was in this kind of situation I was a schoolgirl, so have no idea if I'm BU.

Backstory: My friend/colleague fancied another friend/colleague, and when he found out he tried to let her down gently. In his rejection he was a bit too nice, so it dragged it on a lot longer when she became convinced that 'he must like me, he's being so nice about it', 'he told me that he could never say never to anything, so that means if I just hold out we'll get together in the future, right?' etc

She has since told me that she would be 'devastated' if he had any kind of relationship with anyone else so soon after their 'thing', and has specifically banned me from having anything to do with him outside of work. Problem is, he has asked me out on a date this evening, and I have accepted - we have known each other for a long time, have always got on really well, and have both previously held a candle for the other (both unluckily timed when the other was in a relationship)

I really do love my friend, but I resent that she has banned me from seeing him when absolutely nothing ever happened between them. She has a history of over-thinking things if she fancies a bloke, and so the drawn-out rejection is quite a common thing - and it's really difficult to watch, because I don't like to see her get hurt but she won't listen to anyone who says it would be best to move on. We aren't planning to tell her that we are going on a date - not from guilt necessarily, but because neither of us wants to upset her.

Basically, AIBU to go on this date tonight? Does it make me a really bad friend? Or was she BU banning me from seeing him outside work?

For the record, both him and me are moving on to different jobs soon, so it fingers crossed shouldn't be a problem at work.

[superstarheartbreaker]

The friend sounds like she has some mental health issues tbh. I would go on the date if you want but be prepared for the fallout. It dosnt sound like you are her true mate anyway.

[Cabrinha]

Can we not decide that a woman has mental health issues because a man hadn't been straight with her?

Because the OP herself said that The Man agrees that he should not have said "never say never".

We can argue all we like that we understand why he said it (even though I'm on the other side of the fence for that) but that he said something that led her to believe in the possibility of a relationship is FACT.

Don't blame her mental health !

She may have issues, of course. Just as he may or may not be playing everyone off. None of us know.

But it is wrong to decide HER mental health is the problem here, and not HIS comment.

[Sicaq]

But where would Mumsnet be without the armchair diagnosis of total strangers, Cabrinha?

[Cabrinha]

[Hatetidyingthehouse]

Did you go on the date??

[BlackberryandNettle]

Hmm I don't think it's reasonable for her to ban you from going out with him. I did this once, went our with an ex of a good friend and it caused a big row - however he and I are now married! How much do you like this guy? If you really like him go for it, but if you're not that bothered it may not be worth upsetting her, especially if there's any chance you're just going out to make a point

[BlackberryandNettle]

Oh the page has just caught up - did you go?

[MaryWestmacott]

I hope your date went well, and I have met 'romance in their head' type woman before who make a big deal about something that's not really anything, they tend to be draining types.

If you do make a go of this with this bloke, move jobs.

'Don't dip your pen in the company inkwell' is good advice.

[marshaF]

If you like this guy, go on the date. It's hard to meet someone that you have a real connection with, and if you get along so well you could be passing up a great relationship. If this guy was her ex boyfriend and they had been in a relationship together, then it may be a bit different but they haven't and she has to move on. Be brave and tell her the truth, as it will only be stressful for you if you have to keep secrets .

Good luck

[TheRealMaryMillington]

She can't ban you but your timing absolutely stinks.

She is going to be hurt. She obviously has no idea how you feel about him/have felt about him. I don;t know how you are going to get round that.

If its something that you think might be meaningful for you in the long term, can you not leave it a little while?

[Hissy]

Erm, I read that it's been 4 months since the guy had 'the chat' with this 'friend'.

There was never ever a 'thing' between the 'friend' and this guy, only in 'friend's head.

There simply isn't any reason nor right for anyone to 'ban' the op or this guy from going out for a drink.

[Dontgotosleep]

It's a hard one because on the face of it no you're not being unreasonable for going on the date but at the same time yes you are being unreasonable if it would break your friend's heart, and it will. It'll be like someone has injected heart through her stomach. I know I've been there and it hurts like hell. If you do go on this date I hope you wont be rubbing your friend's nose in it because that would be cruel.
If you do go on this date expect to lose your friend, because it will far too painful her to watch. There is no such thing as being let down gently, and if it goes wrong don't expect her to be there with a shoulder to cry on. Expect her to be ROFL because I did when the bloke I wanted split up with his gf. I wallowed in it. I don't know what I saw in him now.

[iamsoannoyed]

I'd say she was unreasonable if she "banned" you from seeing this man, although from what you've said she more implied it than an outright ban- am I right?

Either way, it does seem that she is taking things a bit far as she did not have an actual relationship with this man- although you do say she was hurt, so not straightforward. I suppose that even if you think, as seems likely, she made far more of the situation than was warranted, that is how she felt and you know she was upset IYSWIM.

As to what you should do- that depends on how good a friend she is and whether you value her (slightly over-valued ideas regarding this "thing" with this man and all) or not. Are you prepared to damage or even lose your friendship over this?

If you do value her, speak to your friend at the very least- explain how you feel about this man. If you are not bothered about her friendship, go ahead with the date without doing so. If you would like to maintain a close friendship, then I'd think a bit more carefully about it.

I think you should be upfront with your friend- if it were me, I'd rather know than have the two of you sneaking around and then springing it on me. I'd actually be quite upset if my friend did that, and then justified it by dismissing my feelings as irrelevant (as I said, she does seem a bit OTT about the whole thing, but the fact remains you know about her feelings).

as RonaldMcDonald said upthread- Knowing and acknowledging that taking a particular course of action will hurt your friend and then not bothering to mention it to her isn't the action of a real friend- although you are perfectly entitled to date whoever you like. Not telling her that you are going to do the thing she feels might upset her is the worst bit about your plan.

[superstarheartbreaker]

I just don't get why people do this when there are plenty of eligible men out there. Personally if a man has hurt one of my close mates and she was tormented about it I would consider him to be a scum bag and give him a wide berth.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Sounds like her banning you has just made you want him even more. Sure she is a bit controlling to do this but girls don't like this kind of treatment from other girls at all. Unspoken rules and all that.

[Mozzereena]

This exact thing happened to me and my best friend when we were 17.
She stopped speaking to me for a week then she got over it.
My fling with the lad lasted less than a month. :)

You are adults.
Go out on your date and tell your friend about it ASAP.
She might be upset at first but she will soon get over it.
If she doesn't get over it you will lose her but is it really any loss?
I hope your date goes well.
All the best.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

This just reminds me of those women who put their boyfriends before their children. I know it's not quite the same thing but I suppose those women started out by putting their boyfriends first at whatever cost.

[superstarheartbreaker]

I'm with you witch. Men come and go... But so do friends it would seem. When I look back my mates have made me happier ( and stayed with me longer) than any of my ex bf.

[yellowdinosauragain]

Would those of you calling the op a shit friend care to actually read her posts? Where you might notice that the man she is dating tonight is a closer friend than the woman who had a crush on him?

Ffs even when I was a teenager I had more maturity than to think I had any sort of claim on someone simply because I fancied them . Nothing has happened between this woman and this man apart from in her head. Yet she thinks she has a right to ask the op not to see him? What a crock of shit. Smacks of being a bunny boiler if you ask me.

Op, I hope you've had a lovely evening.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

Hope it went well OP.

[MyPrettyToes]

This just reminds me of those women who put their boyfriends before their children. I know it's not quite the same thing... No, it is not. This particular situation is nowhere near the same.

OP and the man are friends, close friends. The female friend fancied a guy who was not interested in her. He liked OP even before the female friend asked him out. He made a stupid mistake by saying the 'never say never' comment. He is human. We have all be stupid ineloquent arses at times. This is not a red flag. The female friend is odd, very odd. Who is she to issue such an edict?

I would say the OP was BU if the friend had had a relationship with the man but she didn't. It is bizarre. If a man went around telling his friends that they could not go out with a woman who had spurned his advances, he would be seen as stalkery and disturbed, as he should be.

OP, i hope you went on your date and enjoyed it. I think your friendship with this woman may not survive. I don't know whether that is a bad thing for you.

[jammygem]

Thanks all, the date went really well and I had a lovely time! We'll be going on a second date and we've decided to keep things quiet (from everyone) until we know if it's serious or not: there's no point upsetting her over a couple of dates that never led anywhere.

Thanks to yellowdinosauragain for highlighting points in my posts, particularly about him being a close friend and wanting to ask me out before my other colleague got involved. I have to say, the demand she gave me that I wasn't allowed to see him outside of work has angered me more the more I think about it, and I honestly believe that regardless of what I did/do with this guy, that was the final nail in the coffin for our friendship.