AIBU and a shit friend to go on this date?

[jammygem]

Disclaimer: I'm aware that this situation makes us sound like schoolgirls. Unfortunately the last time I was in this kind of situation I was a schoolgirl, so have no idea if I'm BU.

Backstory: My friend/colleague fancied another friend/colleague, and when he found out he tried to let her down gently. In his rejection he was a bit too nice, so it dragged it on a lot longer when she became convinced that 'he must like me, he's being so nice about it', 'he told me that he could never say never to anything, so that means if I just hold out we'll get together in the future, right?' etc

She has since told me that she would be 'devastated' if he had any kind of relationship with anyone else so soon after their 'thing', and has specifically banned me from having anything to do with him outside of work. Problem is, he has asked me out on a date this evening, and I have accepted - we have known each other for a long time, have always got on really well, and have both previously held a candle for the other (both unluckily timed when the other was in a relationship)

I really do love my friend, but I resent that she has banned me from seeing him when absolutely nothing ever happened between them. She has a history of over-thinking things if she fancies a bloke, and so the drawn-out rejection is quite a common thing - and it's really difficult to watch, because I don't like to see her get hurt but she won't listen to anyone who says it would be best to move on. We aren't planning to tell her that we are going on a date - not from guilt necessarily, but because neither of us wants to upset her.

Basically, AIBU to go on this date tonight? Does it make me a really bad friend? Or was she BU banning me from seeing him outside work?

For the record, both him and me are moving on to different jobs soon, so it fingers crossed shouldn't be a problem at work.

[jammygem]

For the record, I said yes initially, but did say I'd confirm as I had to think about my friend.

[Trills]

I can imagine at least one scenario where she would hear "never say never" when he was trying to say "no".

I really like you, blah blah blah

It's not going to happen, you're great, but we work together, and I don't see you like that

But what if we didn't work together, could it happen then?

Look, I really don't think so.

(on the edge of tears) So are you saying you could NEVER fancy me?

(trying not to be harsh) Well, nobody can predict the future and say NEVER, but it's just not going to happen right now, OK?

(later on realises that "right now" was a terrible mistake, as could be taken as future intent rather than just verbal filler)

[Nomama]

So, what do you think about your friend?

Are you allowing her to have a say in your life? Are you putting her needs, thoughts and feelings before your own? Would she do that for you?

Why are you hesitating? Apart form her possible reaction why are you hesitating? If there is no other reason then I refer you to my previous post.

Live your life, not hers. If he turns out to be a pratt that's your problem. But at this moment in time you have to work out why you are hesitating and whether you are allowing your friendship to restrict your life.

[jammygem]

I don't know why I'm hesitating. I don't want to hurt her but I've had a shit time myself recently and this is the nicest thing to happen to me for a long time - we get on so well, I think it would be a massive waste if we didn't at least go on one date.

But I worry about her reaction - I would like her to be happy and I know this is going to upset her. But I think she would be UR to be too upset if she's already started moving on to other men and he's not allowed to date anyone else but her, despite the fact they never dated in the first place.

[jammygem]

Fuck it, I'm going to be selfish. Let's do this date.

[jammygem]

Trills From what they both told me, that's pretty much how it went... Still not his best moment, and a stupid thing to say, but he did panic...

[Nomama]

Good. Phone him and set a time and place. Then spend a few hours worrying about what to wear etc.

Have fun, lots of it

And forget the word 'selfish', it doesn't apply.

[SallyMcgally]

Good. Imagine how resentful you'd feel if you didn't go because of her edict and were always left wondering. It was selfish of her to try and ban him. You seem to have spent quite a bit of time agonizing about how she'll feel - do you think she worried about you when she said that you weren't to go out with him? If it does go well then you could approach it by saying that you'd met for a drink, that you got on really well and that you were going to meet up and go out again. If it gets to that stage then you should tell her quickly, as it would be much kinder to let her hear it from you than on the grapevine.

[LaVieBoheme]

Yay! I hope it goes well Jammy. You'll have to update us all on the date!

[ChelsyHandy]

Nomama How do you know, Chelsy? Lots of assumptions there. He could be exactly as OP sees him, stuck with trying to be nice to someone he doesn't fancy but has to see in company a lot

I don't know. No-one does. What I do know is that I wouldn't be going on a date with a man who gets himself into this sort of situation. Its a huge red flag.

Its not really that difficult to say no to someone without leading them on. You just don't go for coffee with people to say no, and send them lots of texts and emails. You just ignore them after the initial polite response. I'm not buying into this he's such a nice, sensitive guy act at all. However the OP is obviously going to go on a date with him, so whatever it is he's doing, its working for him. You both talk about your mutual friend behind her back, so as I said before, you will have something in common to talk about.

[whatever5]

Your friend will be incredibly hurt if you go out with this man and I don't blame her. He may not have been very interested in her but she is still obviously totally infatuated with him and you know that. You will have to decide which you would prefer- a date with him (which may or may not lead to a long term relationship) or a friendship with her. You can't have both.

[whatever5]

I also agree with ChelsyHandy.

[Nomama]

Ah, so you don't have a friend who has acted like OPs friend then, Chelsy.

If you did you would have more sympathy! It can be incredibly difficult to say no to someone who will not hear it and tries to emotionally blackmail you into changing your mind. Dealing with that behaviour is way outside the bounds of 'normal' for most of us, so we don't know how to deal with it.

And I absolutely hate the Red Flag thing. He has shown himself to be a bit socially inept - not a wife beating monster.


As for talking behind peoples backs - well, everyone does it all the time, every day. Unless of course you are permanently surrounded by everyone you know!

[EBearhug]

I'd go, too, but I probably wouldn't mention it to the friend until I knew how it went, and if it were going to be an on-going thing. She's got no right to prevent you (especially if it's been 4 months), but that doesn't mean you shouldn't consider her feelings at all.

Phoning up to say, "OMG, guess who asked me out on a date! I'm so excited! Come to town with me to find something to wear?" would be well out of order.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OP's decided already; date before 'friend'. Maybe she's woman enough to tell her friend/colleague rather than risk her finding out. Maybe not. Hard to say.

[Hissy]

Did he actually say the 'never say never' in the context she's saying he did?

She sounds a bit of a fantasist and more than a bit uinhinged.

She's thrown herself at a bloke, who's told her in a number of ways that he's not interested in her in that way, and she refused to accept it. He told her to her face and the only thing she came away with was 'never say never'.

It could very well be that he said "well, the saying goes never say never, but no, I don't want to go out with you/don't think we have a future etc etc"

She has NO right to ban you from anything. If she'd have actually gone out with him, that's a different story, but she hasn't. The only thing she's done is to potentially humiliate herself, banning you would put her into bunny boiler territory.

Go out on the date, see him again and again if it works. Tell her when you're ready.

She won't like it, she will throw a tantrum, but that's her issue to work out. She simply has no right to expect anything more of anyone until she wakes up and sees how idiotic she's being.

[Hissy]

A 'friend' doesn't ban another friend from speaking to/seeing/going out with another person that she's had absolutely no relationship with.

[Maiyakat]

My friend had a similar situation years ago. She is now married to the guy in question, other friend is still single. I don't see how it would have benefitted anyone if my friend and her now DH had never gone out to save the other friend's feelings, other friend would still be single (and my gorgeous godson wouldn't exist!)

[SallyMcgally]

A 'friend' doesn't ban another friend from speaking to/seeing/going out with another person that she's had absolutely no relationship with.

^^ this

[Sicaq]

I wouldn't worry about losing this "friend" because she doesn't sound like much of a friend to me.

[jammygem]

It got back to him via colleagues. She would make big announcements to everyone about how well it was going, we would all try to convince her in the nicest possible way that she'd got it wrong, and then one of the guys got so exasperated he told him what she'd been saying and told him he needed to say her straight in the clearest way possible.

[Nomama]

Actually, we don't know she will explode. She may not react at all. If she is seeing other people she may have moved on. She could be absolutely horrified if she knew OP was having such a problem with this.

We don't know how she will react. We just know that she was once a tad 'bunny boiling' about this man. As I said, I am pretty sure I have been like that about 1 bloke and I know a coupe of people who seem to live their lives like that.

[ChelsyHandy]

Maiyakat My friend had a similar situation years ago. She is now married to the guy in question, other friend is still single. I don't see how it would have benefitted anyone if my friend and her now DH had never gone out to save the other friend's feelings, other friend would still be single (and my gorgeous godson wouldn't exist!)

I also have a friend who did the same. Married with 2 kids now. The guy in question is so well known as a cheater (hangs around dodgy nightclubs when working away from home to try and get a ONS, otherwise stays with an equally sleazy male friend who told me, has come onto me and various other mutual friends, all this and he is now in his late thirties), that I cannot work out if she is deliberately blind to his antics or if she is happy enough to let it play out as she earns so much more than him, he would cost her a fortune to divorce!

OP, you are already way too involved in this man's dramatics over his personal life. Show me the decent guy who can't manage not to lead a woman on by texting and emailing and going for coffee with her!