AIBU and a shit friend to go on this date?

[jammygem]

Disclaimer: I'm aware that this situation makes us sound like schoolgirls. Unfortunately the last time I was in this kind of situation I was a schoolgirl, so have no idea if I'm BU.

Backstory: My friend/colleague fancied another friend/colleague, and when he found out he tried to let her down gently. In his rejection he was a bit too nice, so it dragged it on a lot longer when she became convinced that 'he must like me, he's being so nice about it', 'he told me that he could never say never to anything, so that means if I just hold out we'll get together in the future, right?' etc

She has since told me that she would be 'devastated' if he had any kind of relationship with anyone else so soon after their 'thing', and has specifically banned me from having anything to do with him outside of work. Problem is, he has asked me out on a date this evening, and I have accepted - we have known each other for a long time, have always got on really well, and have both previously held a candle for the other (both unluckily timed when the other was in a relationship)

I really do love my friend, but I resent that she has banned me from seeing him when absolutely nothing ever happened between them. She has a history of over-thinking things if she fancies a bloke, and so the drawn-out rejection is quite a common thing - and it's really difficult to watch, because I don't like to see her get hurt but she won't listen to anyone who says it would be best to move on. We aren't planning to tell her that we are going on a date - not from guilt necessarily, but because neither of us wants to upset her.

Basically, AIBU to go on this date tonight? Does it make me a really bad friend? Or was she BU banning me from seeing him outside work?

For the record, both him and me are moving on to different jobs soon, so it fingers crossed shouldn't be a problem at work.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

I also agree with cabrinha chelsey and AF
Time will tell though.
Hopefully it will go well for everyone.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Something is NOT adding up, OP.

You say that he has been told to tell her straight. Presumably he's done this - if not because he had a backbone but because another guy had told him to. Your friend is still under the illusion that it's not 'never'. How can this be? How can a man who knows that you and she are friends, think that any interest he shows in you could be kept under the carpet? How would he even think that would be acceptable to you as she is/was your friend?

Your friend - if she is a friend at all - needs to be told straight - by you, by him, she's got to be told.

Or hold off until you've both moved jobs if neither of you can bring yourself to do that.

I get the distinct feeling that you've added stuff to the thread to make it more palatable. It doesn't detract from the fact that you're going to do this behind your friend's back and I also think you're getting a bit of enjoyment from that.

I agree with Chelsey, Cabrinha and AF too and I think that there are ways of dealing with this that are more honest. I query the reason for your thread because your mind was already made up and it seems you have scant regard for your friend's feelings or right to honesty - understandable not from him as he seems lacking, but you, you're her friend?

[HopefulHamster]

Saucy my point is that she never spoke to me again - I mean making up might've been nice, but she actually never uttered a word to me again, in case I had a go I suppose (I might've done, who knows!). We were both very immature over the situation. I never would've 'banned' anyone from seeing someone else though! I was simply trying to point to OP that she can do what she likes, but best to be upfront with the friend if she wants to keep the friendship.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I noted it, RealAmanda, misread it as 'twat'...

[superstarheartbreaker]

A friend of mine has been out with two of my exes. I didn't ban her from seeing them but it hurt and I'm afraid that although we are still mates I no longer trust her and if she was single again I would definitely be on edge and distance myself.
Tbh there are many lovely men out there that you could like just as much so you will probably loose a mate. It's the unwritten rule of friendship innit?!
I think he was a twat to lead her on btw and then make a play for her mate. If he held a candle for you all the years why on earth was he stringing your mate along? To make you jealous? Very playground IMO but each to their own.

[ChelsyHandy]

Basically he sounds like a bit of a fishwife

Agree that OP's mind was already made up to put date with man before female friend.

Guy sounds like a player getting off on getting two women at one workplace to compete with one another.

Wouldn't want to be you OP if you get dropped and he starts spreading rumours about you!

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Yes. They are so similar

[superstarheartbreaker]

I also feel that women who go out with their mates exes are on a bit of a one puma ship trip tbh. I always think mans' girl rather than girls' girl.

[x2boys]

I know people like this who will not be told that the other person isn't interested it happens howcold is your friend op has she had many serious relationships? And for those who say they would never do this to a friend well as I said upthread something similar happened to me I lost my friend but gained my husband and kids I have no regrets!

[SaucyJack]

I think you're being a tad dramatic lyingwitch, tho I can see this is entirely dependent on your friendship group and dating experience.

For me, I've been friends with the same people since school/sixth form and to not put too fine a point on it most of us have had each other at some point. I know three of DP's exes to talk to socially and he's friends with an ex of mine and we certainly don't mention what me and his brother used to get up to over Sunday lunch. It's terribly amusing to do the six degrees of Kevin Bacon at parties.

If we all banned each other from shagging each other's exes, half of us would never have sex again and the other half wouldn't have settled down with their real soulmates.

I really really don't see it as a betrayal of the sisterhood to go out with a bloke that a mate previously had designs on.

[superstarheartbreaker]

I think the friend is being unreasonable but that's no excuse to stab her in the back. Tbh it dosnt sound like it is a great friendship ... She's a control freak and your a back stabbed.
The whole situation smacks of TOO MUCH DRAMA. And that's saying something coming from me!

[superstarheartbreaker]

Back stabber I mean!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

yy superstar, that's how I feel too.

This man isn't friend's ex but she likes him a lot... lots of gameplaying and Romeo/Juliet-ing in this thread, probably a bit of a turn-on for them.

OP has won a date with a man that many wouldn't consider any kind of prize. The fact that he hasn't told the friend straight makes me think that he really doesn't want to. I wouldn't date him, I'd never be that hard up for attention.

[Nomama]

superstar the point being he isn't an ex, the friend just couldn't accept they had had no relationship.

And whoever, sisters... yes, friends, no way. My DH is the first and only true love of a very good friend. She is very embarrassed about that declaration now! To be fair I didn't know them when they were a couple and met them both separately, so I didn't know I was muscling in. I had heard a lot about him though, the one that got away, the one she would always regret having dumped. Just didn't know the bloke I was seeing was him.

We are still good friends with her and her DH, so it is possible that OPs friend will not be as bothered as she fears.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

SaucyJack... I thought this thread was all about the 'draaamahhh'? Is it not?

Yes, we do have different experiences. I never went to 6th form college, thankfully, so avoided that one, it sounds exhausting. School was enough of a constant wailing about 'exes', friends were calling them that having said they were 'going out together' during morning maths and ending it by afternoon cookery class...

It's more about the man and OP being well aware of the 'eternal triangle' and doing nothing about putting the friend straight. There's no excuse for that, none at all.

As the old adage goes, if he can do it with you, he can do it to you... or something like that. A bargepole crafted from a Giant Redwood would not be long enough for me...

[SallyMcgally]

It's more about the man and OP being well aware of the 'eternal triangle' and doing nothing about putting the friend straight. There's no excuse for that, none at all.

We don't know that that's the case though. Friend must know that OP likes this guy, otherwise why ban him? It's quite possible that the OP has tried to talk to her friend, but some people just refuse to hear what's being said. Given that her friend couldn't accept/ understand that the bloke didn't fancy her, that's quite likely.

A bargepole crafted from a Giant Redwood would not be long enough for me... That made me laugh. I might nick that.

[ilovesooty]

It's none of her business and she needs to grow up.

I'd probably tell her but only because if you don't she'll probably use it as ammunition if she throws a strop later.

[whatever5]

The OP's friend thinks he is/was interested and she had a "thing" with him and she is totally infatuated. The fact that he says he did/does not feel the same way seems totally irrelevant to me. The friend hasn't banned the OP from seeing him as nobody can do that. She has just made it clear that she will be very upset if OP goes out with him and I can't see what is wrong with doing that if it is true.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

I have actually been on the other side of the coin, I had a long standing crush on a boy at school, towards the end of school, at a leavers do that I didnt go to, my best friend snogged him. I was really upset and hated her for it, now 15 years later, I realise I was stupid to be upset, he wasnt mine, he didnt even like me much, it was kind of pathetic of me really.

[Welshwabbit]

I think a few people are being a bit harsh on the bloke here. If OP's friend was someone the man saw occasionally as part of a friendship group, fair play, he should simply have told her straight that he wasn't interested. But I can see how, given that she is in fact a work colleague with whom he has to interact professionally on a daily basis, he ended up having a face-to-face conversation which went a bit awry. I have no idea what he is like, but I don't feel in a position to say, just from OP's posts, that he's a wrong 'un. If anything, it sounds as though he was trying to make sure that the work relationship didn't fall apart, albeit in a somewhat inept way.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Well she wouldn't say he was a 'wrong 'un', would she? That would mean that her date-barometer was out of whack.

OP has posted all she knows about what he's supposedly said to the friend. Unless she was there, she doesn't even know that he did say that to the friend. The fact that other people from work have also told him to tell the friend straight (as OP posted) means that the message didn't go in clearly.

Man knows very well that friend has a crush on him - OP knows this also. Nobody seems to know whether message has hit home, friend seems to still think it's 'not forever'. If OP is that mad keen to meet this man then she should have the decency to say to her friend, "Look, this man is NOT interested in you, he never will be. You need to understand that because he's too spineless to tell you straight and you're making a fool of yourself".

After mopping up shell-shocked friend's tears, OP can then drop the bombshell about the date...

Anyway, OP should definitely stop referring to herself as a friend of this woman's because she isn't one. 'Colleague' is fine and descriptive.

[Welshwabbit]

Somewhere upthread, the OP said that the account of the conversation she'd been given by both her friend and The Man (not sure what else to call him!) was pretty similar. And OP has also said that her friend is looking to date elsewhere. It certainly sounds as if the message could have been given more clearly, but it also sounds as though OP's friend is only hearing what she wants to hear.

Anyway. You are right. None of us was there, which makes all of our opinions fairly worthless .