AIBU and a shit friend to go on this date?

[jammygem]

Disclaimer: I'm aware that this situation makes us sound like schoolgirls. Unfortunately the last time I was in this kind of situation I was a schoolgirl, so have no idea if I'm BU.

Backstory: My friend/colleague fancied another friend/colleague, and when he found out he tried to let her down gently. In his rejection he was a bit too nice, so it dragged it on a lot longer when she became convinced that 'he must like me, he's being so nice about it', 'he told me that he could never say never to anything, so that means if I just hold out we'll get together in the future, right?' etc

She has since told me that she would be 'devastated' if he had any kind of relationship with anyone else so soon after their 'thing', and has specifically banned me from having anything to do with him outside of work. Problem is, he has asked me out on a date this evening, and I have accepted - we have known each other for a long time, have always got on really well, and have both previously held a candle for the other (both unluckily timed when the other was in a relationship)

I really do love my friend, but I resent that she has banned me from seeing him when absolutely nothing ever happened between them. She has a history of over-thinking things if she fancies a bloke, and so the drawn-out rejection is quite a common thing - and it's really difficult to watch, because I don't like to see her get hurt but she won't listen to anyone who says it would be best to move on. We aren't planning to tell her that we are going on a date - not from guilt necessarily, but because neither of us wants to upset her.

Basically, AIBU to go on this date tonight? Does it make me a really bad friend? Or was she BU banning me from seeing him outside work?

For the record, both him and me are moving on to different jobs soon, so it fingers crossed shouldn't be a problem at work.

[maddening]

She is unreasonable but if she has made you seeing him as a deal breaker of your friendship all you can do is make the choice to break that or not - but obviously on the understanding that you may lose your friendship,

Whether her feelings about this man are reasonable or not (and I think they are unreasonable being that he was not a long term (if any at all) relationship with her) is one thing- the ball is in your court and you can chose to not see this man and maintain your friendship or see her behaviour as unreasonable /decide that her friendship is not as important and date this man.

From what I have read she doesn't sound like someone you could reason with so not sure if it is possible to talk her round so it is then a case of her or him.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

I wouldnt date him.
Not because she likes him but because I think his reluctance to be straight with her and "lead her on" would be a sign for me that there's a risk he might be the type to be averse to honesty.
But that is probably because I had an ex who would never be straight with ppl, claiming it was because he didn't want to hurt their feelings, when really, I learned that this behaviour was about being manipulative, so ppl see him in a good light, which means lots of lying.

[Aeroflotgirl]

She is being vvvvu, she can not ban would being friends with him, that's silly, but mabey wait a little before going on a date with him.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Yes she is Bu though. But is he worth it?

[Hatetidyingthehouse]

Well there is no need for her to know. It could be a crap date and then what would have been the point in upsetting her unnecessarily. Tell her down the line if things progress

[RonaldMcDonald]

jammy

Be a good friend. Speak to her about it.
If you get on so well with him and everyone says you'll marry him
Then of course you must go on a date with this man, of course

Do your friend the courtesy of speaking with her and explaining this necessity before you have a secret date
It'll work out better

[Hatetidyingthehouse]

Only go if you like him though

[AuntieStella]

Having seen your most recent post, ignore the line to take I suggested. It'ud probably strike utterly the wrong note as it seems he was a frequent topic of conversation.

[jammygem]

Then only date-like thing they did together was go for a coffee - he suggested it because he wanted to have a long private conversation to explain that he wasn't interested. That's where the 'I could never say never' thing came from. She now classes that as a date, despite being told otherwise by him, me, and all the other poor colleagues that have been stuck in the middle of all this.

Arya I have tried to talk to her many times about how she overthinks things - she agrees, then does it all over again. If I point out that she's probably got it wrong, she gets very upset with me and I end up just trying to cheer her up instead. I'd like to stay in touch with her, as we've known each other a lot longer than we've been working together, but I have a horrible feeling that this is all going to end tits up TBH.

[NewEraNewMindset]

This scenario happened to me in my late teens. I went on the date. Hope you did too.

[KoalaDownUnder]

Honestly, I feel sorry for her, but she needs to grow up a bit. You can't go around calling dibs on other people. If he never actually dated her, and told her straight up that he's not interested, AND it was months ago...I think you are both free to do as you like.

[SoggyBottoms]

I found your dilemma really interesting because I was in pretty much exactly the same situation myself a few years ago, and I went on the date. It turned into a pretty serious relationship, and we went out for a year. I told the other girl (one of my best friends, and also a colleague) after three or four dates (once he and I had admitted to each other that it would be serious) and, though she was angry at first, pretty much every mutual friend who she talked to about it told her she wasn't being reasonable. She didn't behave brilliantly for a while, and although she did later apologise and try to re-establish our friendship, I never felt the same way about her again and I don't think she did about me. Even after he and I split up we couldn't ever get our friendship back to where it had been, which I still feel sad about to this day, as I still miss it.

BUT I don't regret pursuing the relationship - if I hadn't done so because of her, it would have ruined our friendship anyway.

I think you should go. If you really like him and her feelings are as strong as you say, it may be that your friendship has changed irrevocably whether you go on this date or not.

[x2boys]

She sounds quite obsessed by this man building everything up in her head the only thing this man did wrong was perhaps not be firm enough but I get he was trying to be nice horrible situation go on the date and see what happens .

[deakymom]

if its an ex or a brother even a close cousin i would say no but this is a guy she has never been with you cant call dibs on someone who doesn't want to know!

[Cristalle]

it depends whether her friendship is important to you. is she just a friend out of habit/circumstance, or would you really miss her?

[jammygem]

I do really want to go on this date, but I worry she's going to see it as me deliberately going out to hurt her (she has accused someone else in a similar situation of this before) when it really isn't. He tells me that he was actually going to ask me out on a date a few months ago, but then all this happened with her and thought it would be really insensitive to date me while rejecting her. He believes enough time has passed for it to be OK, which it should be, but unfortunately I'm not sure my friend sees it like that

[Cabrinha]

I do feel sorry for her being on the end of his never say never bollocks. It's very easy to think she reads too much into it all, but what a ridiculous and unhelpful thing to say to her.

[RonaldMcDonald]

Why is it so difficult for people to be honest?

If the thread was
I fell pretty hard for a guy in work and it wasn't reciprocated. My friend knew all about this and how hard it was for me. People in work said there was an attraction between them but I asked her to please stay away as it was too difficult for me to deal with. She said she would. Now I have discovered that my friend has been secretly dating him and I am very very hurt. I feel betrayed and lied to. AIBU

[Cabrinha]

And honestly, it'd put me off dating him. Who says "never say never" to someone they know is interested in them, if not to keep that spark of interest for their own ego or to come back to as a back up?

That aside, no she can't have dibs. But if you're both moving jobs soon and if she was a GOOD friend, not just a workmate then I'd postpone the date until the job change. Less for her sake and more because I CBA with all that shit at work!!!

[Cristalle]

Get him to text her "i've met somebody, sorry, good luck, get out there and start dating". or something like that.

[jammygem]

We used to be pretty much best mates, but have drifted apart recently. I saw a different side to her with this bloke - I think with the men before I'd only ever heard her side of things, but this time I knew them both and realised how ridiculous she was being.

That said, we do have a good laugh and I would be sad to lose her friendship. To be honest though, if I had to choose (even just friendship) between her and him, I would probably choose him - we get along better.

[Brightbutchilly]

Tbh she sounds a bit er... dramatic.

Why on earth does everyone at work know who she fancied? How inappropriate. He must have been somewhat embarrassed.

From what you say you and he had a fairly close relationship (given the work comments) as friends prior to her declarations of love for him. (I do have to wonder if the two things are related..?)

I'm a grown up, no one tells me who I can and can't see. I'm not 14.

Are people seriously suggesting that the OP and her male friend shouldn't peruse what could be a lovely relationship because she happens to have an overly imaginative and excitable female friend?

Personally, I would quietly (and Zi do mean quietly, no telling everyone expect her) go one a few dates and see how it goes. If there's nothing there no harm done. If it seems serious you'll have to tell the drama Llama kindly. Don't have guilt or apologise though - you going out with him will make no difference to her - he's already rejected her.

[jammygem]

The "never say never" was panic on his part - he wanted to let her down gently and thought that was nicer than a flat-out "never". He had spent the rest of that "date" telling her he wasn't interested. But I get why he clung on to it - I guess we all cling on to that small chance if we are really desperate for something to happen.

[jammygem]

*she clung on to it

[x2boys]

Cabrinha I agree its a stupid thing to say but if he had tried everything and she wasn't getting it what could he say to her without being rude never say never though is not something I would say to someone who was obsessive it gives false hope I,m guessing he was just trying to be kind .