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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and a shit friend to go on this date?

172 replies

jammygem · 25/08/2014 10:18

Disclaimer: I'm aware that this situation makes us sound like schoolgirls. Unfortunately the last time I was in this kind of situation I was a schoolgirl, so have no idea if I'm BU.

Backstory: My friend/colleague fancied another friend/colleague, and when he found out he tried to let her down gently. In his rejection he was a bit too nice, so it dragged it on a lot longer when she became convinced that 'he must like me, he's being so nice about it', 'he told me that he could never say never to anything, so that means if I just hold out we'll get together in the future, right?' etc

She has since told me that she would be 'devastated' if he had any kind of relationship with anyone else so soon after their 'thing', and has specifically banned me from having anything to do with him outside of work. Problem is, he has asked me out on a date this evening, and I have accepted - we have known each other for a long time, have always got on really well, and have both previously held a candle for the other (both unluckily timed when the other was in a relationship)

I really do love my friend, but I resent that she has banned me from seeing him when absolutely nothing ever happened between them. She has a history of over-thinking things if she fancies a bloke, and so the drawn-out rejection is quite a common thing - and it's really difficult to watch, because I don't like to see her get hurt but she won't listen to anyone who says it would be best to move on. We aren't planning to tell her that we are going on a date - not from guilt necessarily, but because neither of us wants to upset her.

Basically, AIBU to go on this date tonight? Does it make me a really bad friend? Or was she BU banning me from seeing him outside work?

For the record, both him and me are moving on to different jobs soon, so it fingers crossed shouldn't be a problem at work.

OP posts:
fifi669 · 25/08/2014 11:41

If YABU then I call dibs on Johnny Depp :)

Merrymonday · 25/08/2014 11:43

YANBU, I have a friend who will do the same chase a guy, not hear what he saying to her, No matter how gently a guy explains to let her down she reads it the other way around, Even if guys have been harsh to her in the past she would still have an excuse for it, She would also be the type of friend who would expect you to not speak to a guy if she had chased him to the point of desperation and he was left with no option to be rude to her, This has been several different guys it happened with. Thankfully I only know one lady like that. OP He could be a lovely bloke even your future husband and may have genuinely been trying to brush her off without being cruel, I get your situation she is been silly. Though on a fair point I would be honest with her that you like him before the date Goodluck. I would tell her first

Purplepoodle · 25/08/2014 11:49

You need to tell her before you go on the date.

Welshwabbit · 25/08/2014 11:49

I got caught in the middle of a situation like this once - not as the person both my friends wanted (realise that my first words could be misinterpreted!) but as a friend of two women who ended up fancying the same guy. The first woman (A) had a huge crush on him when we were at university but it never came to anything. A year or so after we'd left university, the other (B) ended up in a long-term relationship with him. A didn't speak to B for about 10 years. Everyone thought A was being unreasonable, but that didn't make it any easier for A, B or the friendship group! Happily they've now made it up. I think you would be entirely within your rights to go on the date, but bear in mind that your friend may well take it very hard (she sounds quite like A in my scenario) and that you may lose the friendship over it. You really have to work out whether you're prepared to do that or not.

Welshwabbit · 25/08/2014 11:50

PS I also think that you should tell her, if you do plan to go.

LaVieBoheme · 25/08/2014 11:51

I was kind of in your position once. I was 15 and my friend had feelings for someone I really had feelings for. Friend spent months trying to convince me that any relationship with them would be doomed, they didn't have feelings for me etc etc. When my now OH asked me out, of course I had said yes, friend turned very nasty and bitched behind my back for a while. We are no longer friends.

I'm not saying this as a way to stop you from going on the date, I think you should go on it because you obviously really like him and it sounds like it could go somewhere and well you sound like you need to get rid of that friend tbh.

AnyFucker · 25/08/2014 11:53

Cabrinha has this absolutely nailed

OP,, I think you are simply a further bit player in the drama of him

Extricate yourself, if you want to keep your own dignity

There are other cocks men out there

StackladysMorphicResonator · 25/08/2014 11:53

Go on the date, have a lovely time, then if it looks like it's turning serious a few weeks/months down the line you can let her know.

x2boys · 25/08/2014 11:57

Go on the date have fun and let us know how it went it !

Nomama · 25/08/2014 11:57

This one is easy.

If you don't go you will hate her, friendship over
If you do go she will hate you, friendship over.

Whether he turns out to be The One or not, your friendship with her has found its natural limit. Let it die, enjoy your date.

Have fun!

ChelsyHandy · 25/08/2014 11:57

I don't like the sound of this man (or you much if I'm being honest). I think he likes attention and doesn't respect boundaries. Yes, theres no "rules" and you can go on a date with him if you like and have a short meaningless relationship, and feel all triumphant that you have won one over your former friend.

I suspect she has been led on and is hurt, and this man has obviously talked about her behind her back. Friends are meant to be loyal to each other so I doubt she will lose much when losing you as one. You almost come across as saying that she is unreasonable in having feelings for men and is somehow undatable (you describe it having happened several times before), which I'm not buying. You are terribly critical of her and painting this man as some kind of wronged saint.

We used to be pretty much best mates, but have drifted apart recently. I saw a different side to her with this bloke - I think with the men before I'd only ever heard her side of things, but this time I knew them both and realised how ridiculous she was being

FWIW I've been in the same situation twice and turned down the guy, but that was also because I didn't fancy them much.

Do you have a shortage of available men in your area or something? Or is it very hard for you to find men to go on dates with? Why not simply date someone else or stay single for a bit until this dies down and see if the guy is still interested in you once this complicating factor (which seems to be causing him such great excitement) is removed from the scenario.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 25/08/2014 11:58

Could you wait until you change jobs at work? That would take the heat out of the situation all round.

Original poster
jammygem · 25/08/2014 11:59

I don't think it's all about everyone chasing after him - it was just my friend. I've been keeping my distance since she got so upset about it, so have definitely not been 'chasing after him'.

I think I'm going to go tonight, but I'm not going to say anything in case it causes unnecessary upset and drama. If things look like they're getting more serious further down the line then I will speak to her about it.

That's a good plan, right? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
jammygem · 25/08/2014 12:04

ChelsyHandy I really don't mean to say she's undateable!! She's really very lovely, just has had an unfortunate succession of men who aren't interested and she drags the rejection out for longer than it needs to be - my point being that I hoped she would learn, but she hasn't - it's horrible to see her so upset about it.

Although waiting until we've changed jobs may be the best option. It won't be for a couple of months, but I think you're right, it'll take the heat out of the situation.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/08/2014 12:05

I wonder who he will talk to about you, behind your back ?

LaVieBoheme · 25/08/2014 12:09

Does it really matter if he tells his friends about the date? Women do that too 99% of the time.
He really doesn't seem like he's going to cause you drama, he just seems like he was trying a bit too hard to be nice to your friend!

ChelsyHandy · 25/08/2014 12:10

How awful of your friend to experience normal human emotions! You are painting a picture of someone who isn't attractive to men at all, which I find a bit implausible. I wonder how your friend would feel if she knew how you were describing her, and whether she would find it a fair description.

This man has several attributes I wouldn't be looking for in a man, if you are looking for a relationship.

Why are you letting yourself be drawn into this at all? Is he God's gift or something, or just one of those inexplicably controlling, charismatic types? I suppose at least you will have one guaranteed subject matter to talk about on your date!

browneyedgirl86 · 25/08/2014 12:16

I don't think YABU.

Your friend sounds like hard work. If this was her ex it would be different. But it's not. You are an adult and shouldn't be "banned" from spending time with anyone. Your friend needs to grow up!

watchingthedetectives · 25/08/2014 12:16

Yes I think that is a reasonable plan

But I do think one way or another you won't end up friends. This scenario exactly happened to a good friend of mine - the man in question plainly didn't have any interest beyond being a friend to the woman who was very keen on him (but I suspect she had built up a whole fantasy based on their friendship going further) and he had fancied my friend for years. It all panned out with my friend marrying him and the other friend feeling betrayed and moving away. The rest of the group did have some sympathy with her but to be fair the guy was never keen and there was never any hint of romance (or sex) but she just couldn't see it

Nomama · 25/08/2014 12:18

How do you know, Chelsy?

Lots of assumptions there. He could be exactly as OP sees him, stuck with trying to be nice to someone he doesn't fancy but has to see in company a lot.

I am sure I have been that woman at some point, I have definitely known people like that, male and female. The worst thing you can do is be nice, they see it as hope... and just don't give up. One of DHs friends is a serial offender. He just cannot get his head round "no" from someone he thinks is wonderful. We have tried sympathy, nowadays (after about 30 years of it) we just tell him he is doing it again. Sometimes he listens, mostly he does not.

Cabrinha · 25/08/2014 12:25

I know I'm a broken record here, but you've confirmed he told her no by email and text and she wasn't getting it.

Even if someone would then offer to meet to say no in person, which anyway I am Hmm about... Why would you EVER say "maybe one day". Which is what never say MEANS.

She has dodged a bullet - for now, I expect he'll keep her interest up still. That hanging around together longer when working together? She may have been wrong about his motives, but not totally wrong. Was he there longer because it was a tricky thing, or for the ego stroke?

OP may not have dodged the bullet.

I just can't get past someone genuinely wanted to get shot of unwanted advances and saying "never say never".

It's not a panic situation, it's not a nice thing to say. So I only have one interpretation.

And I'm suspicious that you've known him so long, yet only now he is asking you out. Just now, when your friend is involved. Just now, when it is a drama.

Watch your step! He's a player!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/08/2014 12:30

Why are you asking, OP, if you've already accepted?

I don't think you're much of a friend, I agree with DaisyFlowerChain's post a couple of posts in.

This is one of those polar questions... those who would and those who would not. I'm in the latter camp and so are my friends. You'd be dumped by me as a friend. I despise women who do this.

Iflyaway · 25/08/2014 12:32

Well, you can,t let other people dictate your life for you and not all friendships are for life...

Go on the date.
She sounds a bit of a drama lama....

AyMamita · 25/08/2014 12:37

I would go on the date. How soon are you both moving on to new jobs though? I think I'd be inclined to wait until then.

zippey · 25/08/2014 12:38

He sounds like a nice guy and you seem like you have your head screwed on. I would go on this first date, and tell him he needs to speak to your friend and let her down properly before you two can be serious.