AIBU and a shit friend to go on this date?

[jammygem]

Disclaimer: I'm aware that this situation makes us sound like schoolgirls. Unfortunately the last time I was in this kind of situation I was a schoolgirl, so have no idea if I'm BU.

Backstory: My friend/colleague fancied another friend/colleague, and when he found out he tried to let her down gently. In his rejection he was a bit too nice, so it dragged it on a lot longer when she became convinced that 'he must like me, he's being so nice about it', 'he told me that he could never say never to anything, so that means if I just hold out we'll get together in the future, right?' etc

She has since told me that she would be 'devastated' if he had any kind of relationship with anyone else so soon after their 'thing', and has specifically banned me from having anything to do with him outside of work. Problem is, he has asked me out on a date this evening, and I have accepted - we have known each other for a long time, have always got on really well, and have both previously held a candle for the other (both unluckily timed when the other was in a relationship)

I really do love my friend, but I resent that she has banned me from seeing him when absolutely nothing ever happened between them. She has a history of over-thinking things if she fancies a bloke, and so the drawn-out rejection is quite a common thing - and it's really difficult to watch, because I don't like to see her get hurt but she won't listen to anyone who says it would be best to move on. We aren't planning to tell her that we are going on a date - not from guilt necessarily, but because neither of us wants to upset her.

Basically, AIBU to go on this date tonight? Does it make me a really bad friend? Or was she BU banning me from seeing him outside work?

For the record, both him and me are moving on to different jobs soon, so it fingers crossed shouldn't be a problem at work.

[Cristalle]

if you left that job, would you still remain friends with her??

I think you should go on the date, but tell the guy straight out that his comment 'never say never' left you with a bit of an unnecessary dilemma.

[SaucyJack]

YANBU. You are not doing anything wrong. You can't lay a claim on someone you never went out with.

If she chooses to see it as a betrayal or whatevs that's down to her.

[PlacidApricots]

Who does she think she is, the whole 'if I can't have him no one else can' is a disturbing mentality, drop her, date him :o

[Cabrinha]

Panic? Really?
Why did he panic when he already decided to go for coffee with her to have this very conversation?
I don't buy panic.

I think he spun her along. Who goes for coffee to tell someone they're not going to date them anyway?

Whatever reason he told her that there was a possibility for them to get together ( for that's what never say never means) it wasn't panic.

[Cabrinha]

My spidey senses are tingling for two drama llamas here OP - and neither is you!

[RonaldMcDonald]

I think that you need to be more straightforward with yourself

It seems clear to me that you are justifying your actions and dishonesty toward your friend regarding this man

She was my best friend until I saw things from the bloke I'd like to dates pov?mmm

If you had to choose between friendship with her and friendship with him if he had another girlfriend in tow. I think that you might choose another way.

[CSIJanner]

Your friend IBU in banning you from seeing a chap she had a coffee "date" where she was let down lightly. However it sounds like you agreed to the ban from what ou said as in not understanding the implications. If this is the case, you need to talk to her then go on the date.

But definately go on the date.

[SallyMcgally]

Ronald if I saw the reverse AIBU you wrote then I'd be writing in saying that the OP had no business whatsoever trying to dictate whether two adults who liked each other could date or not. I don't think it's dishonest of the OP not to tell her friend, especially not before she's seen how a first date will go and especially in view of the fact that her friend seems prone to making scenes. OP - your friend needs to grow the hell up and stop thinking that everything is about her. Go on your date, and good luck. Hope you have a lovely evening.

[jammygem]

Ronald - I completely get why you'd think that, but it really was seeing his pov that changed my mind about her - I could see the things he was doing and saying and I could see how she was twisting them all. One example: they were doing a job together, he took quite a long time doing the part he was doing - because it's fairly complicated, especially if you've not done it before. Her reaction to this was that he's being deliberately slow so he can spend more time with her.

Yeah I might be a biased, but TBH I really have seen another side of her. And him and I have always got on, when he;s been in relationships and when he hasn't.

[Cabrinha]

I'm just interested in the whole coffee meet conversation. I'd love a transcript!
You say she was clinging to a small chance, but he must have said something during the - what - continuous "please date me" "no" "please date me" "no" conversation?
So maybe there was more "we work together, it's complicated, you're a great girl" stuff going on...
Go read the thread on here today about not calling women crazy!

She absolutely doesn't get to say don't date him. That's not my issue at all.

My issue is more that I have a massive raised eyebrow and wonder about all this work place gossip and perhaps a cock in the henhouse who rather enjoys all the attention?

Obviously, based on not a lot :)
But I've seen this shit played out in incestuous workplaces before.

[Brightbutchilly]

Ronald I have a lovely friend who used to always tell me what nightmare her bosses were and I always felt sorry for her and sympathised. Until she started work for a boss of mine who was a complete sweetheart. She accused him of bullying her. He really wasn't, she just doesn't like being told what to do.

We all tend to accept what our friends tell us a face value but once you have additional information you can gain another perspective.

[EllaFitzgerald]

I think your friendship will be irreparably damaged whatever you decide to do. If you go on the date, she will feel as though you betrayed her. If you don't go, you may well end up resenting her for her emotional blackmail (especially if you've held a torch for him for a while).

Because this isn't someone she's been in any kind of relationship with, and because she's clearly not deeply in love with him, I think I would go on the date. You obviously like each other and even though he let her down in a very silly way ('never say never'?!) she has absolutely no right to be banning anyone from doing anything. Assuming I haven't misread, she's not only 'banned' you from dating him, she's told you that she expects you to not spend any time with him as a friend either. That's ridiculous, completely unreasonable and far too much to ask from a friendship.

I think, however, that I'd be prepared for her to paint you in a not very nice light with your colleagues and any mutual friends. If you believed her tales of woe before you saw both sides, then the chances are that others will as well.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

No reason not to go on the date, I don't even think ex's are off limits when you are in your twenties, thirties, if no one is married or living together. There's a small pool of people, you are all swimming in the same water, and she does seem like she's creating out of nothing anyway.

However, Cabrinha may have a point, this guy may like everyone chasing after him, I don't think taking someone for a coffee to chat through not going out with them is a good idea and he could have just penned a short but firm email more effectively.

It's your judgement call, but it does all seem a bit more exciting perhaps with your friend in the background, so be sure you would really have dated him anyway.

Your friend won't understand, but she is very very immature (this crush, not reciprocated thing) or not had many relationships so I don't think there's much hope she will get it or think it is reasonable.

[Cabrinha]

And the slow job thing.

If she posted here, I like him, he said "never say never" and now he seems to be spending more time with me, but it could be cos it was a tricky thing?

Plenty of people would say - maybe nothing, but hey - maybe he's trying to get to know you?

I think that they'd be wrong and everyone should read the HJNTIY book, btw :)

But my point is, plenty of people would think it.

[magoria]

Your friendship is already irreparably damaged from the way that you are talking about her on here and that you will drop her in a click of the fingers over him.

You don't sound like you even like her.

Cut the friendship. Be honest about it.

Go on the date.

[LePamplemousse]

YANBU, you can't call dibs on crushes. Yes you could lose a friend, but if you really like him, you could also end up finding a DP.

[DaisyFlowerChain]

I don't buy the panic either, he's a grown man and any adult can say no thank you to a date/relationship.

The "never say never" was to boost his ego or keep her in reserve if he fancied a quickie I suspect.

You are looking at him through rose coloured glasses, go for it if you will but don't expect the friendship to last.

[Moreisnnogedag]

I'm sorry that just makes her a teenager. If it was a proper ex I could kind of see it, especially if he treated her like crap, but a single coffee? Please. I'd go on the date and let her deal with it herself (which I imagine will be with histrionics).

[Cabrinha]

If she has a history of reading too much into potential relationships, I would propose that could be because her bullshit radar (never say never) isn't well tuned. Not because the bullshit hasn't happened.

[jammygem]

Cabrinha - I recently read HJNTIY - it's brilliant isn't it?!

I see what you mean about the cock in the henhouse. The coffee "date" was so he could speak to her face to face - he'd tried email and texts and she was over-thinking every word and when what she was saying was getting back to him he was getting pretty fed up. He wanted to have a proper conversation with her to put things straight. Although his "never say never" comment was really stupid, no matter how nice he was trying to be.

[HopefulHamster]

I was your friend in this situation once OP - but I was 15 at the time. I was really hurt, but actually what hurt me the most (and what my friend who started dating the guy didn't understand) was that she didn't tell me anything in advance (she passed me a note in class on the day - god how juvenile does that sound!), despite knowing how I'd be hurt.

And when I was upset at being blindsided, she never tried to make it up to me (or even talk to me) afterwards. We were best friends until then. Haven't spoken to her since :-/. It sounds childish, but honestly if she'd tried to speak to me again I'm sure it would've been different.

[HangingBasketCase]

How old is this friend OP? Because she sounds about 14 years old, she needs to grow the fuck up.

[Whereisegg]

I don't think that you are bu to go out with him, but I don't agree that he should text her that suggested message.
Saying that he's sorry but he's met someone just seems very twist-able for someone like your 'friend' tbh.

[Legionofboom]

YANBU. I could understand if he was actually her ex but one cup of coffee?

I think between how you feel about her having seen a 'different side' to her recently and your understandable resentment at having been banned from seeing this man, the friendship sounds as though it is flagging anyway.

[SaucyJack]

With all due respect hamster, maybe your friend didn't feel she had anything to make up to you?

I can understand OP's friend feeling disappointed and rejected by the bloke, but those in the position of the OP are doing nothing wrong. He isn't even an ex- just someone she had a crush on for a bit.