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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I must be abnormal?

205 replies

namechangeraug14 · 10/08/2014 13:17

This really upsets me. Try not to be too harsh.

I joined Mumsnet ages ago, as I read a friends link on Facebook, and have posted in bereavement and telly addicts mainly ... But I am not a Mum. I'm 34 and I've never had a boyfriend. Never.

I don't understand why Sad I'm not ugly, I have a good job, my own home, lots of friends, interests ... but have never had any male interest (including online dating when I've tried that.)

Of course the result is that single has sort of become my 'norm'. You know how some people can't cope when they aren't in a relationship; I am sort of the opposite!

And yet I do get lonely and I do desperately want children and it really upsets me that this might never happen.

Does anybody know someone like me?

OP posts:
Laurel1979 · 10/08/2014 13:29

You are not abnormal. It is very easy to go through life not meeting anyone, depending on whether your job/circle of friends/social life provides opportunities to meet new people. I was single for 7 years, had resigned myself to being a single parent forever, until I met DP. I met him online, and I sent him the first message, he's shy and otherwise I doubt he would have made the first move. Don't give up on online dating, but you do need to be proactive in my experience.

mommy2ash · 10/08/2014 13:35

I agree with laurel if being in a relationship is what you want you need to put yourself out there. that isn't always easy of course but unless you do something about it it won't happen. you aren't abnormal at all.

Original poster
namechangeraug14 · 10/08/2014 13:35

Thank you. That's a really encouraging message.

I find the problem with OD is that it knocks my confidence so much when I join and get nowhere that I just don't want to do it. But there don't seem to be any other ways to meet someone!

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeraug14 · 10/08/2014 13:36

Mommy, I think you may have misunderstood: I HAVE been 'putting myself out there' for years, whatever that means, joining dating sites and what not. It just hasn't worked.

OP posts:
ChoccaDoobie · 10/08/2014 13:42

What happens when you meet for dates op, or has it not progressed that far? I have a family member in a similar situation and I know she feels sad about it quite often. She is hugely sociable and has had one relationship but nothing before or since.

itsmeitscathy · 10/08/2014 13:43

OP you're not abnormal - the Prince Charming thing hasn't happened for me either. I have no advice though other than chin up, you never know what is going to happen.

SavoyCabbage · 10/08/2014 13:44

My friend did this thing that she read about where you tell everyone you know that you are looking for eligible men to date. Like the Americans seem to date. And it was considered. Like my sister asked her dentist for example as she knew he was single.

It was a novelty I suppose in the uk, and people responded to it really well. Everybody knows somebody who they could set up on a date but it's just that here we don't really think like that.

Original poster
namechangeraug14 · 10/08/2014 13:50

Chocca I've only had four dates; they didn't progress beyond the first. Two of those were the mans decision, two were mine.

Thanks cathy - helps to know I'm not alone :)

cabbage I can see it's an idea in theory but I'm cringing just at the thought!

OP posts:
GhettoFabulous · 10/08/2014 13:53

I'm a veteran of internet dating, and know how to write a profile to get lots of interest, of the decent kind, and ward off eejits. If you give me an example of the kind of things you write I can help.

SavoyCabbage · 10/08/2014 13:53

Yes you would have to power through the cringing! The Americans do it though! Watch "Friends" for inspiration. Grin

Original poster
namechangeraug14 · 10/08/2014 13:56

Cabbage I really couldn't just tell everyone I'm single and looking ... honestly, I get enough quizzing about whether I've met someone yet as it is!

Ghetto I really don't think OD is for me, thanks though Flowers

OP posts:
McLurker · 10/08/2014 13:59

I had a friend in a similar situation OP, she recently got married after a whirlwind romance. Don't give up hope Smile

cerealqueen · 10/08/2014 14:07

You are not abnormal. It didn't happen for me for years. I was the oldest virgin I know. Maybe online dating isn't for you. What are your interests? Is there a sport you like? I know friends who have got to meet lovely people (women and men) through their sport based social activities - especially hockey and cycling, particularly cycling.

Laurel1979 · 10/08/2014 14:10

Have any of the dates you've been on resulted from online dating? I honestly didn't think it was for me too until I tried, I thought about it for ages and kept putting it off, but then I saw that more and more of my friends met their DP's that way, and decided to give it a go. I was terrified that one of my patients would recognise me from my profile! Which sites have you tried? I had joined Eharmony and I can see how it is good at matching people with similar interests, however in my area there were only a handful of men on it. In the end I met DP on POF - I'd heard awful things about it and avoided it like the plague for ages, but where I live it seems to be the most popular site by far. I had one disastrous date in December then met DP 6 months ago.

McLurker · 10/08/2014 14:15

However, she did make the first move. Just joining a dating site or turning up to a singles event is not enough.

And I think Cabbages suggestion is a good way of meeting people outside of your immediate circle. Another friends mum discovered their Sky engineer was single and approached him about a date with her daughter, nothing came of it in the end, but you never know unless you give it a go Wink

Original poster
namechangeraug14 · 10/08/2014 14:36

I have honestly tried and failed miserably with od -
Match, guardian, my single friend and the 'free' sites have as I say only got me 4 dates.

I would like to meet someone conventionally but it's how - and also given I've had no joy with OD and others have - it does sort of make you wonder if it's you!

OP posts:
ChoccaDoobie · 10/08/2014 15:08

I just remembered op I have another friend in a very similar situation. She is lovely looking, bubbly and so fun to be around. I know she feels very fed up. It is really mysterious. What was it like when you were younger?

WallyBantersJunkBox · 10/08/2014 15:18

I met my DH through an Army penpals website OP. I had no intention of going on there to look for a husband. Grin

I just enjoyed writing letters and a friend in the RAF told me about the website, and the surprising number of lonely men in the forces serving abroad with very little mail. A few of my colleagues and I started writing.

Not saying you'd find love, but increasing connections and widening circles can't harm?

A male colleague of mine joined a cooking class in the hope of meeting like minded women. Apparently it was full of men with the same thing in mind! But if you were learning something new and positive at the same time it wouldn't be a wasted experience I think?

KatnissEvermean · 10/08/2014 15:21

I have a friend in your situation. She is beautiful, has a professional job, the most active social life of anyone I know and plenty of hobbies. She likes to keep busy as she can get down about being single. She has tried internet dating but nothing has progressed.

I'm sure someone will come along one day, but I don't know what else she could do to find someone!

McLurker · 10/08/2014 15:24

I don't think there is a conventional way to meet someone now. In the past it would have either been someone from your town or village that you'd known your whole life, or you would meet at a dance, or someone your relative knew. People weren't as well travelled, there was an expectation of no sex before marriage and I suspect they weren't as choosey as people seem to be now...

Original poster
namechangeraug14 · 10/08/2014 17:04

Thank you. :)

Wally I do know what you're saying but it is like katniss has said - I don't know what else I could do really? I have an active social life but I do work full time and so I do in a sense have to have that as my backdrop. If I'm truthful I can't actually see myself meeting anyone which is really sad - I hope I'm proved wrong. Sad

OP posts:
WallyBantersJunkBox · 10/08/2014 17:24

I was the same, full time career, living in London, great social life, lots of friends and nights out. For all those people it was quite hard to meet someone in London, and there were lots of 30 something singles out and about.

It didn't take much out of my time to write a few letters and emails a month though!

But I think just focussing on the positives in your life and enjoying your social life is the best thing to do.

All the best Wine

Thenapoleonofcrime · 10/08/2014 17:35

I don't think four dates is very many to be honest. I kissed about 19/20 frogs in the two years dating online before I met my husband (we won't go on about the amount prior to that).

I think to up your chances of success, especially if you are a particular type of person (I am quite geeky in my interests, I don't look like that but I wanted someone intellectually interesting), you have to be swimming in the right pool. Ways to do that are to join a group where lots of these people hang out (if you like geeky guys, then science/computer/photographic societies are good, if you like fit active people, walking clubs and so on) or join a dating agency with the type of people you like e.g. professional men working in your area.

It is not all over though, my mum has met another partner in her sixties.

Original poster
namechangeraug14 · 10/08/2014 17:44

That's why I think I've no real chance to be honest napoleon - I know it's barely any. And the more knockbacks you get the harder carrying on is. I guess the more I think about it the more I realise I don't think in my heart of hearts I will meet anybody.

Id have loved children though and it's going to be hard imagining a future without them.

OP posts:
patienceisvirtuous · 10/08/2014 17:57

Op what about going it alone to have children? Then it takes the pressure off meeting someone.

That was my plan 'til DP came along (by some miracle in my mind!)