to think I must be abnormal?

[namechangeraug14]

This really upsets me. Try not to be too harsh.

I joined Mumsnet ages ago, as I read a friends link on Facebook, and have posted in bereavement and telly addicts mainly ... But I am not a Mum. I'm 34 and I've never had a boyfriend. Never.

I don't understand why I'm not ugly, I have a good job, my own home, lots of friends, interests ... but have never had any male interest (including online dating when I've tried that.)

Of course the result is that single has sort of become my 'norm'. You know how some people can't cope when they aren't in a relationship; I am sort of the opposite!

And yet I do get lonely and I do desperately want children and it really upsets me that this might never happen.

Does anybody know someone like me?

What is my phone doing!

Piper I wrote a long response to your earlier message and lost it: the joys of technology!

Firstly, I'm certainly not 'moaning', any more than when I sought support over my horrible incident this year I was 'moaning' about that. But yes, it is an interesting choice of word. When I was bereaved in sudden and difficult circumstances and was shocked, frightened and isolated I was reaching out. Now, because I am single, and not completely happy about it, I'm moaning. That's quite unpleasant - think about it.

Okay. I've explained several times about distance and no matter what MN says I know I'm not BU because I won't drive 5 hours to meet someone for a coffee! [grin

If I did meet someone with children, and it turned into something serious, it would be hugely unfair on those children which is why I won't do it. I'm happy to meet someone older but 25 years my senior is a bit much I think.

I am flexible regarding age (to a point) looks, religion, income, education - I'm really not picky Yet the TWO "non negotiables" I have are being used against me to conclude I'm not serious about a relationship - that's not vey fair.

I think regarding my profile it isn't I don't want to change it but I can't change how I look and honestly the content isn't anything out of the ordinary. For the 'single friend' website my friend wrote it FOR me and still nothing!

Pukait I think your post is insightful - I have to admit I'm not sure how therapy could help but I will have a think.

I definitely don't want children alone because if I died they would be alone. That scares me.

Piper - on your analogy, presumably you were therefore tell a vegan who was having difficulty finding a job to accept one in a slaughterhouse cutting up meat?

We're talking people who have different feelings and needs and emotions and desires. I know for a fact my dating pool is tiny as a 40-year old child free man. I don't want children, never have. It would be completely unfair of me to date someone with children because it could never go anywhere in terms of living together, nor would I date someone who wanted children. That means my pool is tiny. I can accept that. I cannot MAKE myself want children. Because I am who I am. I can't help that. But I still reserve the right to feel sad occasionally that because I don't want children it is incredibly hard to find someone to share my life with and spend time with. Because, you know, I am actually a really nice person, with a lot to offer someone. Unfortunately my only worth is as a sperm donor!

op Yes, moaning, that is what you are doing.

Vintage That is the exact opposite of what I'm saying. She needs to date more, she needs to experience things, all different types of men. She has created this magical list based on no experiences of any sort of relationship and is expecting Prince Charming to fall from the sky. By this age Prince Charming has already met Cinderella, married her, had a terrible relationship not helped by his wife spending all the money on her shoe fetish, his interfering evil step-mil and his wife's frankly odd god-mother. He's now settled in the country looking for somebody normal.

Incidentally piper your point - that I should either find someone, anybody, or accept being single and take responsibility for myself - seriously. What the hell have I been DOING since leaving university then?

Strangely I have worked successfully obtaining many promotions and am at a senior level in my career, bought two properties outright, pursued a demanding hobby, kept and made many wonderful friends, devoted some spare time to a worthwhile cause.

I do not wish to go on and on and on but I have been through utter hell lately and have come through it smiling and stronger. And I've done it before and I've always done it alone. Because you have to when you're single.

But I would like to meet a man and have children and am having no luck - it doesn't make me some sort of wailing helpless individual and I find that really offensive actually.
I'm sure you think you're being "blunt" and "forthright" but you're so far off the mark in your assessment of me it would be laughable if it wasn't offensive.

notnew Of course I'm not advocating the vegan thing there is a difference between having principles and completely restricting what you are open to. I don't have children, I don't want children. I'm not saying that she needs to turn into Mary Poppins what I'm saying is she needs more life experiences under her belt so she can learn what she really wants.

and im the opposite of the OP, i married young, had the baby and am now on my own and have been for AGES. Ive dated like a mad person, ive had more dates than i would even like to think, and when i say that im talking triple numbers.
My ' list' is based on those dates and life experience and what ive found is and isnt important.

Im still single as the OP is.

So, she could go out and do all ive done and her situation wont have changed at all.

Thats not to say its never worth doing anything, but it is saying its not always as easy as people try to make out. Dont discredit people so easily.

And thats not to say people cant be sad about the situation they are in.

Oh piper - you nasty, spiteful little woman.

Did that make you feel really good and proud and smug that you wound me up and upset me and annoyed me because I was wanting a bit of support - did it make you feel good to tell me I'm "moaning." Great. I managed not to cry at a funeral
And now I am. No sense inthe world is there

sounds like the OP has plenty of life experience, shes single, not a hermit.

Notnewbutnamechanged I guess you're not right for the OP then after all, shame. Without wishing to derail the OP's thread, or to suggest tjat in any way Mumsnet is not a very inclusive place, welcoming to all (I don't have children myself, though am trying to decide if I want any)- as a single man who is sure he doesn't want kids, what on earth brought you to Mumsnet??

namechanger14, ignore it. You are clearly fed up of a situation, looking for answers and utterly sick of being told it must be you, when everyone else is pretty much on your side here. Dont let the one shit post make you cry. its really not worth it, its a faceless internet person.
They dont know you, and, sure as hell, if they met you they wouldnt make those judgements, nor dare sat things like that to your face.

I'm sorry, I have obviously misunderstood the point of you posting here. I thought you wanted advice, when in fact it appears you just want people to agree with you.

OD does let you be more restrictive than you might be if you met in person, where you may not find out immediately age or whether they had kids.
I imagine the same is true for men.
So imagine yourself a single 30yr old man with no kids, i assume on a dating site you would select under 35yr old women so you can have kids without having to rush.
Whereas say in a bar that man wouldnt know your age necessarily. And it wouldnt matter as you fancied them.

I do think it seems to be easier for men to get into relationships. If you are a bit of a shy woman it is difficult.
I dont know any single guys or anyone i would want to date if i was single.
I imagine though with the high divorce rate a lot of people free up again in their 40s
Maybe though the average man is more proactive, less worrying and if they want a girlfriend they go out and ask people.

Jessie - newsflash. Not everyone on MN is a mother. Not everyone is a father. As you see, Piper has just said she doesn't have or want children either. Would you like to ask her why she is here as well?

In answer to your question, a question I am other childfree men AND woman on MN continually get asked and continually answer:
a) it's got to the point now where the non-parenting stuff outweighs the parenting stuff
b) I have friends who have children, so it's good to see things from all sides
c) I do actually had a goddaughter - just because I don't want any of my own, doesn't mean I hate all children.

Do I have your permission to stay now, please?

Piper - the OP didn't ask for advice on dating actually, despite most people giving it. She wanted to know if she was abnormal (answer: no) and did any of us know anyone like her (answer: yes). That helpful to you?

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread. Am struggling with illness so can't do lots of reading on screen but wanted to offer a suggestion. Please just ignore if someone has beaten me to it. Have you heard of cosmic ordering?

It sounds like a lot of nonsense but I only heard of it a couple of years ago and realised that I had unconsciously used it several times which was the only rain I didn't discount it entirely. Basically I'm suggesting you write out a comprehensive list of qualities you desire in a life partner. Don't censor or edit. Be honest. If you'd prefer he be tall or ambitious or whatever just add it to the list, but leave off stuff you don't really care about. Try to think of all aspects. Including that he's ready to settle down etc.

Then just get on with life the way you have been. Keep going out and doing things. The theory is that just having a very clear idea of who you're looking for and, um, 'putting it out there' will prompt the universe into sending men who fit the criteria into your path...

and if it doesn't work, well, you've only lost the time taken to think about it and write it out. Unlike some other posters it sounds to me like you're almost being too open about the type of man you're looking for. Perhaps it might help you to have a wish list - just be aware of where you could compromise if necessary.

My dh matches everything on my list except he's blonde not brunette. I can live with that though ;-)

I was just thinking the same about you, Piper

I am not sure I understand your situation entirely- other than the online dating part- what dates etc have you had apart from this?
I have a schoolfriend who as far as I know never gone out with anyone (with the exception of a couple of blind dates)- she has lots of interests/busy life- she is normal looking- I have no idea why but she has never seen bothered . She is bothered but now is fatalistic about never meeting anyone. I don't see her a lot in general social situations- but she just doesn't come accross as interested in men - its hard to explain.
I was suddenly single in my thirties and it is difficult- i tried the joining clubs thing (there are general social clubs- try meetup) - speeddating etc-I devoted a period to never saying no to any suggestions,
you do need to make an effort and devote time to it -which can be hard when you have things that you like doing that you have to drop -i found it worked where I was doing something becasue I liked doing it then I met people with a shared interest.
I think you are unduly negative about holidays - there are lots of activity based holidays (not just walking!) -- or ones such as exodus/explore where the customers are generally not couples/families

This is true, the OP said she didnt want to do online dating, despite this people charged in, being all instant, and blaming the OP as she cant be serious enough, so its her own fault

Course, if the OP had posted that she had been on 100's date and not found anyone, they would be telling her not to be so desperate and that there must be something wrong with her.

:)

GarlicAugustus Just thinking what? That I'm a nasty, horrid, little spiteful woman?

Anyway, everyone ignored my posts They'll probably ignore this one, too. See? Story of my life, nobody notices me! No wonder my love life is over ... ... It's like I don't exist ... ...

Oooh, you noticed me, Piper! Thanks

No, that you just want everyone to agree with you!

Garlik of course I noticed you, I couldn't ignore the little whimpering sounds from the corner could I?

No offence meant. I apologise for any hurt caused.

If you believe my suggestion to be untrue, then I must deduct it is a character trait and I am afraid noone can help you there.

I don't understand why I'm not ugly, I have a good job, my own home, lots of friends, interests ... but have never had any male interest (including online dating when I've tried that.)

From what you describe about yourself, men will first noticed that you are not ugly. Most do not care about the rest of that sentence. That means that there should be a queue of men in front of your door. Blimey, lots of men go for ugly women too. And you are not! Therefore, you do something to repel men. Obviously subconsciously.

Can you accept this?

And what are you going to do about it?

garlik - out of interest, how would one ' fiercely commit to being single'
and how would that change anything and make her feel better?

Surely being on her own all her life is pretty single?
its very inbuilt in humans to seek a mate? no?

Notnewbutnamechanged please don't be so defensive! I for one am delighted to see Mumsnetters who are not Mums, particularly for the perspective that they can add to a thread like this. I was careful to say that I considered MN to be a very inclusive place- absolutely meant that at face value, no irony intended. I was genuinely curious as to what had brought you here. I am sorry that you found my question to be inappropriate or read it as suggesting you should not be here. Not my opinion at all.

And I should add notnewbutnamechanged, I am always really pleased to see men on Mumsnet! I have tried to get my DH interested but he won't bite.