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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I must be abnormal?

205 replies

namechangeraug14 · 10/08/2014 13:17

This really upsets me. Try not to be too harsh.

I joined Mumsnet ages ago, as I read a friends link on Facebook, and have posted in bereavement and telly addicts mainly ... But I am not a Mum. I'm 34 and I've never had a boyfriend. Never.

I don't understand why Sad I'm not ugly, I have a good job, my own home, lots of friends, interests ... but have never had any male interest (including online dating when I've tried that.)

Of course the result is that single has sort of become my 'norm'. You know how some people can't cope when they aren't in a relationship; I am sort of the opposite!

And yet I do get lonely and I do desperately want children and it really upsets me that this might never happen.

Does anybody know someone like me?

OP posts:
BolshierAyraStark · 10/08/2014 17:58

Never tried OD but from what I can gather the free ones are a bit shite so may be worth considering a 6 month subscription?

I do think savoys suggestion is quite good also...

callipygian00 · 10/08/2014 18:18

I agree with patience - you don't need a man for kids these days!
But if that's not for you do you have a few trusted friends you could put on a secret mission to set you up with Mr Perfect? They wouldn't even need to tell him that you were single, just happen to invite both him and you out on the same night. Sort of like the American style but more covert and less cringey...

Original poster
namechangeraug14 · 10/08/2014 18:25

I've tried 3 paid sites :)

Going it alone for children isn't something I want to do (I have no issue with others doing it) but thanks for the suggestion.

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 10/08/2014 18:51

Why don't you go over to Relationships as well, they have some threads running for online daters/people looking for love?

Do you have an idea why you only have been on four dates through online dating? I wonder if you are approaching them as the chance to meet a potential partner rather than just a coffee and see and being quite fussy. Or is your profile not really attracting the right type of people? Could an honest friend (or MN) give you some feedback on that?

You are talking about knockbacks- but really you have only had two, two you weren't so keen on, that's not very many and even if you date conventionally through work colleagues or from people you meet face to face, you may end up having a few boyfriends over the years. There is a fear of failure in there as well I think.

To be blunt, no-one is going to knock on your door and just invite themselves in and be your partner. You will have to get out there, including knockbacks and all, to meet someone. The best thing to do is to live a fun life, going on interesting holidays, doing interesting hobbies and hope you come across someone you get on with.

I have had lots of friends who had a dry spell over the years, even a decade or so. None of my friends has no partner now in their early forties, not all have children though as in one or two cases there wasn't time. I think it very unlikely you won't ever meet anyone til you are 90, but I haven't got that handy crystal ball to prove it!

Thenapoleonofcrime · 10/08/2014 18:55

I won't ask you where you live, as perhaps a bit too identifiable, but that makes a big difference I think in finding someone, some of the smaller cities/towns have a more 'settling down' culture than say London where there is always a steady stream of people looking to meet up (but also this can be a harsh dating environment).

Dating agency? One of my friends met and married a guy from one- and seemed to have a lot of nice dates too, might be worth the investment.

Original poster
namechangeraug14 · 10/08/2014 19:09

Mm, I see what you mean napoleon - but I don't really want to randomly meet up with men it's unlikely I've got anything in common with.

I don't think I'm fussy, really. Own teeth and job are about it! I don't want to meet anyone with children and I don't want to meet anyone outside a 39 mile radius.

The rejection - well, that comes from only 2 dates really. As you obviously join and think maybe you'll meet someone and it IS disappointing when messages are ignored, or (worse!) responded to with 'thanks but no thanks!'

For whatever reason I concluded last year OD isn't right for me.

But that leaves pot luck - which isn't likely. Which makes it unlikely I'll meet someone. Which is obviously upsetting. I know what you mean about your friends but they've been in relationships: maybe not long and maybe not successful but relationships nonetheless. I haven't.

OP posts:
Cleanthatroomnow · 10/08/2014 19:19

I think you also have to get into the mindset that men who are already right in front of you may well be "the one" IFKWIM. Eg. chap behind you in the Tesco queue, postman, next door neighbour etc...

Rather than setting out to find a "date".

If it makes you feel better, I have a friend in her late forties who has never had a boyfriend. Attractive, succesful etc. It's not that unusual.

Original poster
namechangeraug14 · 10/08/2014 19:20

That's good to hear clean

I literally cannot think of one single man. Apart from my brother! Grin

OP posts:
Cleanthatroomnow · 10/08/2014 19:22

Does your brother have friends? (Single ones, mind).

Original poster
namechangeraug14 · 10/08/2014 19:23

No, this is what I mean. I literally do not know ANY single men.

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 10/08/2014 19:25

The dating agency my friend used matched her with very tailored matches, even down to hair colour, height, type of job (she liked men who worked in the City or financial services). All professional, that mattered to her, also they had to not want children. They weren't randoms at all, in fact, they were all very similar and she married one. This was a while ago though and perhaps it has changed or got more expensive.

One of my friends didn't have a relationship til she was about 30. Not everyone is an early starter:) I didn't have a relationship lasting more than a year til I met my husband in my early thirties.

I'm just suggesting that it may be worth a punt on trying some of these ways before throwing in the towel- but I do agree OD can wear you down. Have you got a friend who you can moan to in RL or discuss dates, or what about starting/joining a thread about it in Relationships, you would not feel alone and you'd have a place to vent/get advice? I have just steered a friend of mine through OD to getting married over the past few years, listening to all the bumps in the road, so am not completely out of touch. In her case she did get fed up with OD but after about 20 dates- the men were nice but not all looking for a serious relationship, which is why I suggested a dating agency.

I just think if you feel upset about it, it's worth trying a few things, preferably while enjoying your life at the same time, so holidays, walking clubs can be fun and offer the potential to meet someone.

What is the age range you are looking for? If up to late thirties/early forties, many of these men will have had previous relationships or marriages, including children. Is this really a complete no-no?

weatherall · 10/08/2014 19:31

If you want a child, have a child.

Don't wait for a relationship until it's too late. At 34 you don't know how much longer your fertility window will last. You can always find a relationship later.

Original poster
namechangeraug14 · 10/08/2014 19:42

Weatherall I've given thought to the single parent route and I just don't think it is for me: thanks, though Flowers

Napoleon, the problem is SO many people on 'relationships' are struggling with awful ones, so you inevitably get told how much fun it is being single and join match dot com. Unfortunately, my experience is a fairly unique one I think - people just don't "get it." I don't think I'm feeling robust enough for further potential rejection at the moment, but thanks -'I will remember it for the future Grin

OP posts:
CarmineRose1978 · 10/08/2014 20:01

I spent two years on Match before I met my DP, on and off anyway. He'd spent about 3 weeks on there! I met some oddballs and some nice guys, and some guys who weren't interested in me, and some who I wasn't interested in. I had been single for about 7 years before I went on Match, so at least it allowed me to meet people, because once you get to your thirties, it's harder to meet people in traditional ways. I had begun to think I'd never meet anyone nice, and that I'd never have kids.... But we're going to get married soon and I'm five months pregnant.

I know it's annoying when people say, just keep trying, but that's the only thing that worked for me.

londonrach · 10/08/2014 20:06

True story here....sister amazing sil beautiful in face and personality but never had boyfriend but loads of friends. Age 35 passed and she meet a guy..... One year later they getting married in august thus year (2014). No one is more perfect for her and she can't be happier and I can't wait for the wedding.... The best wedding ever...

naty1 · 10/08/2014 21:57

I think with relationships you dont focus on what you have in common. Like friends you may have had school, a class, a sport.
With a partner you may just fancy them.
I have noticed men prefer happy bouncy positive people. It makes them feel good.
Also the girls who always have boyfriends and are never single are not very picky.
A lot of it is luck.
I never had bfs until DH at 20. And we have been together much longer than nearly all the couples we know. (Even the prettiest most popular girls)
If i thought of all tge things i dont want in a partner i wouldnt be with DH.

scoobydooagain · 10/08/2014 22:12

I tried OD a couple of years ago (with sole aim of wanting a relationship) and found it quite soul destroying, stopped for a few months then decided to give it a go with a different mind set. I decided I was going to enjoy myself, improve my social life and meet new people, what a difference, I had a ball, met some good guys (and some dodgy ones) and my BF, worth reconsidering OD IMO.

HalfEatenPizza · 10/08/2014 22:31

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WallyBantersJunkBox · 10/08/2014 22:34

Good post halfeaten

Pandora452 · 10/08/2014 22:39

I'm in my first relationship aged 27 through online dating (I had offers as a teen but no-one took my fancy). I live 100s of miles away from him, and met him on a more unusual website (that sounds dodgy.. its not! just wasn't POF, Match or the usual meat markets!)
I do think you need to expand your range, but otherwise I don't see the problem with being picky :)

Pandora452 · 10/08/2014 22:41

Have a look at online dating sites that focus on things you want/enjoy rather then the generic ones :)

IrenetheQuaint · 10/08/2014 22:42

Hmm. I was a late starter myself and am very much aware how hard it can be to meet men after 30. But the fact that you've never had a relationship
suggests there is something else going on here.

When you say you've never had a relationship, do you mean you've had flings, flirtations, crushes etc but never an official boyfriend? Or have you never had anything at all?

Original poster
namechangeraug14 · 10/08/2014 22:48

Good post? I'm sorry but I really am offended by this. Can you watch what you are saying please - I certainly haven't been abused by a close male.

No, I won't consider moving halfway up and down the country sorry. It would be different of course if I met someone and we got on - but in the context of OD I am not driving miles and miles and miles to meet people.

Thank you for the suggestions but they do all centre around online dating which I think I've explained doesn't seem to work for me - not sure why.

Irene I haven't held anything back; I've explained I have never had a relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeraug14 · 10/08/2014 22:50

The reason by the way I mentioned distance in my earlier post was because on a precious venture into online dating I had a few messages from men who lived several hours away. To be honest I haven't got the time and I do like to think there may be a few men amongst the several thousand in my immediate area who were a) single and b) might want to chat with me - but apparently not!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 10/08/2014 22:55

What are your interests? What kind of holidays do you like? What do you like to do in the evenings?

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