to think I must be abnormal?

[namechangeraug14]

This really upsets me. Try not to be too harsh.

I joined Mumsnet ages ago, as I read a friends link on Facebook, and have posted in bereavement and telly addicts mainly ... But I am not a Mum. I'm 34 and I've never had a boyfriend. Never.

I don't understand why I'm not ugly, I have a good job, my own home, lots of friends, interests ... but have never had any male interest (including online dating when I've tried that.)

Of course the result is that single has sort of become my 'norm'. You know how some people can't cope when they aren't in a relationship; I am sort of the opposite!

And yet I do get lonely and I do desperately want children and it really upsets me that this might never happen.

Does anybody know someone like me?

Glad you agree with me, Vintage, it is pretty much luck. There are things that may help luck along a little but it's still luck.

That's if you're not someone who is likely to appear on Jeremy Kyle who no matter how hideous you look or behave you seem to have no problem finding a partner. Presumably because you don't actually care who they are or what they are like.

And the most stupid platitude of all time is "if you stop looking it will happen". Yes, because if you want a new job, you don't look for one, do you? Or a new house?

Have you tried speed dating? I found I had more success meeting people face to face rather than online. At least it would get you out of your home socialising rather than staring at a computer screen.

One thing I think helps is to not have a definite 'type' as some people become more attractive once you get to know them and your dream partner may not be who you imagine. Also, if you like someone's company don't give up after one date unless you really don't feel any attraction.

I agree with the general advice that you have to put some effort into finding a partner but don't give up hope. I met DH when I was 44 after being single for 8 years and I'm no oil painting

:)

of course, new jobs and houses are always falling into my lap!

In all seriousness, its shit. Its really rubbish.

ive just dumped someone after 4 weeks of dating. I tried, i decided 10 days ago that he wasnt for me, but friends told me to give him more chances. He couldnt get it up ( long history of problems ) turns out he was a drug addict, confesses to paying prosititues for ' kisses' as he was so desperate for female attention, and that he used to get so cross women wouldnt talk to him that he used to punch holes in doors. This is all stuff that came out in the last two dates. When i tell people who tell me to give men a chance, they are truly baffled.

Because im sure they believe all men online are who they say they are and all want a relationship and its my fault, somehow, that im on my own.

Ive come to realise that people say things like that because they like to think that if it happened to them, they would do x and it would be solved. It doesnt work like that.

Course then i get accused of not picking up on clues sooner, but you show them photos, messages and they decide, no, they would have liked him too. You dont find out stuff until you get to know people, to get to know people, you have to spend time with them.

So i get called a ' magnet for nuts' everyone laughs and tells me to write a book and maybe go buy a new dress and pop in a sainsburys on the way home... :)

It is very hard when all you want is someone to share your time with, someone decent who you can have an adult conversation with.

All around the world is geared up for couples, soul destroying when you are not in a couple but long to be.

Before I met my partner there seemed to be 2 camps those (usually friends who had been through divorce, break ups) who tried to pair me up with any single man. Oh look there's my plumber, his girlfriend has just this moment left him, let me introduce you to him, I wouldn't recommend him as a long term prospect as his head is screwed, but give it a go.

Then those., usually the married ones telling me to forget all about men, why the hell would I ever need a man! If they split up from their man that they would not be looking for a replacement. I should take comfort in my new , non chosen single life and throw myself into my work and family.

Then proceeding to talk about their special couple nights out.

seems to me that it's not to do with YOU but more to do with your circs. you aren't coming into contact with single men. you say you don't know any single men. well that kind of scuppers things.

i think you need to be more adventurous with your hobbies. go on horse riding holidays, whatever. you have to get out there and meet new people.

Sorry OP, dont want to derail your thread, just wanted to add some support as to why its not as easy as 'do online dating' . I think unless people have been in a similar position, its very hard for them to understand.

Its rubbish and frustrating and you have my sympathy.

I think if i wasnt stuck at home every night, with my child, i would try to go to pubs. Actual pubs, not bars. places where men go with their mates. I would go alone, because the second you add a second person or a group of people, then the chances of being approached are small. Or maybe one friend, thats it. I would go on a weeknight, about 7-8pm, wouldnt get all dressed up, just jeans and converse, and would just stay for maybe two drinks. Id make sure i went often, and im sure at somepoint men would get used to seeing me there and would approach me.

Thats basically the only plan i have left, having tried most things, including some frankly insane ideas, i think that might be the most logical.

Ha, Susan, yes, I had a similar experience. A friend of mine asked if I was seeing anyone about two years after I'd split with my long-term partner. I said no. "Still, being single is great isn't it?" she said. "I loved being single. Being able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I loved it!"

So I asked when she was going to leave her husband if being single was so great. Oddly enough, she shut up very quickly.

Yes, there are times when being single is great. But waking up every morning on your own or going to bed at night on your own every night for years on end is going to make you feel down sometimes. Be lovely to have someone to do things with, or hold hands with on a walk. The world is very definitely geared around couples and is getting more geared around children too. Despite the fact that, allegedly, more people are single than ever before. I love the fact that if I want to go on holiday, I have to pay for a non-existent second person through a single supplement. Nice. I understand WHY but it still pisses me off and makes me FEEL single and somehow not 'as normal'.

OP, you say you desperately want children in your OP.

There are lots of ways and means to become a mum without a relationship. You already confirmed you don't want to go it alone though.

Are you definite about that - that you'd rather a life without them than be a single mum?

What is it that puts you off?

simplesusan, ah, i love those couples, the ones that tell you you dont need a man, but then make a big fuss about date night but are sure they wuoldnt miss adult company or sex. or would just go to ann summers.

Most people who have been on their own years dont need someone either, but there is a big difference between need and would like.

Also what grates are the ones that tell you you must learn to be on your own first and love yourself first ( often without knowing you) and then you say ' but i do, ive been on my own years' so then they tell you that you must be too set in your ways then :)

Its all very well saying try to meet more single men, but thats the crux of the matter, the older you get, the smaller the single male pool gets. There are tons of them about when you are 20, less so at 30, even less so at 40.

Two things

One- online dating is purely a numbers game, and one in which there is no place to feel rejection if after a handful of dates the guy isn't interested. That's totally ok, normal, to be expected with OD and does not mean you ( or they) are in any way undesirable in the general sense. If you really really do want to meet someone you have to make your peace with the fact that you might hVe to go on a lot of dates, but fairly dare in the knowledge that if you can stick it out you will eventually meet someone and develop a relationship. I met my DP online but I had had an awful lot of dates before meting him ( somewhere between twenty and thirty).

Second, and this may not apply to you at all, but from the description you have given of yourself I wonder if you have a very specific or narrow idea of what you might be looking for in a man, eg must own own home, be really solvent, etc etc, I may be way of the mark here but it's worth looking at this! as some of the women I know of roughly your age and position in life, who are long term single do have very specific ideas of what they want. Nothing wrong with being choosy but it will significantly narrow down the potential dating opportunities!

I have had a pretty horrific time lately and I just know that any form of rejection - no matter how polite! - would upset me so I am deliberately waiting.

I'm with you there, OP. I think it's important to know where you are in yourself before trying to fix the exteriors of your life. OK, it's never the sequential process we might wish, but self-acceptance always ends up being the key to everything.

The only thing you and I have in common at present is singledom. I've been very single and completely celibate for 8 years - in summary, I find my life difficult these days and won't consider adding the extra complications of negotiating dates, sex & relationships until that has changed.

You're saying being single isn't an active choice for you - far from it; you've been looking for partners. At the same time, you're also saying you don't want to face rejection, put yourself out or spend time on dates that might not work out. Those are all, basically, statements that you can't be arsed with dating

I can only recommend two courses of action that might work for you:
1] Commit to being fiercely single, and mean it. As with anything, "acceptance & commitment" improves one's life greatly, sometimes opening unexpected doors.
2] Join a matchmaking service. They're expensive, but offer the kind of single-minded focus you seem to want.

Good luck, anyway :)

I agree with previous posters, by the way, that you do seem unusually rigid in your thinking around the issue. If that's the way you like to be, I don't think 'normal' dating's ever going to work for you - too much randomness, time-wasting, and making the best of uninspiring situations. Hence my rather all-or-nothing suggestions.

Hi, sorry, me being harsh again.

1. You won't consider anyone who lives more than 39 miles away
2. You won't consider anyone who has children
3. You won't consider anyone who is a certain number of years older than you.
4. Your profile is obviously not working, but you refuse to change it or get help for it.
5. You won't go on holiday with a group of people you don't know
6. You won't consider any activities apart from the ones that you are interested in, which are predominantly female ones.

Read this again and ask yourself if you are really actively looking.

eggs, 20-30 dates is quite good numbers to have found someone, i expect my number is quite a lot higher than that.

I might be accused of having a ' narrow view of what i want', heres my absolute must list which has been developed over the god knows how many dates i have had.

Must have a job
must not live at home.
Must not be insane.
must have walls to his house.
Must not have drug or booze issues.
must not be racist, homophobic or sexist.
Must be clean and be able to live in a clean state.
Must not be a gambler, obsessive gamer.
Must not think they are 18 when they are 42.
Must not expect me to be their mother
Must be an actual, functioning human male.

Way down the list are things like interests, being nice, etc.

Since i started looking at the top list first, you would be surprised at how few dates i now go on. When i was first dating i put things like interests etc first. I was a bit of an idiot.

Or, i was less of an idiot and hugely optimistic about the pool of single men that were left.

Because the ' must have walls' is from actual experience. sadly.

Well, I didn't have a relationship longer than 18 months until I was in my late 30s, and I had plenty of big gaps between relationships. In addition, the people I did have relationships with were generally pretty damaged fuckups and weirdos- because I was fucked up, with low self esteem. I had DS on my own after a short relationship with an EA man. Yet, at the age of 38 I met DP through OD (first date on OKCupid!), he's great and we've been together 2 years now. In analysing what changed, I'd say the following:

After having DS, I stopped putting so much emphasis on being in a relationship- in other words, got stronger in myself and less needy;

This led to an upsurge in self confidence- more confident in going for the people I felt to be right for me, more confident in ditching the ones who weren't;

Feeling more resilient, so that I could message blokes online and not give a shit if they didn't reply (and yes, I had quite a few not reply!)

In addition to this, I concede that I was also pretty lucky to meet a good'un on the first date after DS (I had also tried a bit pre-DS and had no luck). So, in short, I guess I'm saying it was a combination of factors- yes I was lucky, but we all get lucky breaks sometimes and I had to be in the right place mentally to recognise one.

So I suppose what I'd advise, OP, is first of all to do a bit of work on yourself- counselling, building your resilience, concentrating on being happy in your own skin. Maybe knock the looking for a man on the head completely for a year and work on enjoying being you? (I don't mention this airily; I was unhappy and felt a failure being single for years, and it was only after I had utterly ceased to give a shit that I met DP).You may find that life changes for you in many unexpected ways just from doing that.

A couple of thoughts about when you do actually date though. Many of the decent single men in your age bracket are going to have children. The ones who don't in their 40s may just be waiting for the right woman to happen along- or they may be immature man-children who will never be able to cope with fatherhood. You can learn an awful lot about how good a man will be as a potential father from his relationship with his existing kids. And, in the very long run, it could mean your future children would have ready-made siblings- not a bad thing. So, I really wouldn't rule men with kids out, at all.

The other one is a bit frivolous, but- if you're looking for a man-heavy activity, you could do worse than give sailing a go. Seriously single-man heavy if you're not picky!

There isn't much to add, as there's been some really good advice on here, but one thing that strikes me from your posts is that you seem to think of yourself as a pickee rather than a picker. Have you tried approaching men yourself (online as much as in RL), rather than taking the passive role?

Your glass is most definitely half empty.

I'm not single, but I fall into conversations with men who cross my path all the time. It just seems to happen naturally. I'm sure it would not be a great leap, in some situations, to move the conversation on a bit. I don't, because I'm married. You are far younger than me and it is by no means too late.

Hi Vintage

I hope I didn't cause offence, I spent my whole twenties single, had a lot more dates than the OD ones.

I really did have to sift through a lot of the chaff, including bf/ dates who turned out to be gay, heavily in debt, not over his ex wife, an actual psychopath ( ended up in prison), a cocaine addict, serial cheater, several people with MH issues ( nothing in essence wrong with that but as I work in MH I would have preferred to have things uncomplicated in this regard at home).......oh the list goes on!!!

In fact by the time I tried OD I had already accrued quite a bit of life experience and a good idea of what I definately would NOT put up with in a relationship!!

OP, I am one of the lucky ones having met my husband at university, but thought I would pass on a story about a friend. She's been actively avoiding relationships for many years (not going to give away personal details, but she is quite a bit older than you). Last year she decided to make some changes, and one of the things she did was to go on a group activity break. She really enjoyed it and she met some great new female friends. Whilst nothing romantic has come of it as yet, sometimes a broadening of your social circle is the kick-start you need. It can also change your mindset. If you do decide to do something new, good luck with it.

Piper - those are the OP's preferences. Some on the thread don't think those are unreasonable. Yes, it may slim down the potential pool but as I said earlier, different people will have other preferences. There are women who won't date guys under 6ft, for instance. Personally, I think someone who knows what they do or don't want is sensible. And you're still entitled to feel sad about being single even if you have accepted your potential dating pool is smaller than most people for whatever reasons you feel comfortable with. Those people who know what they won't accept are far less likely to settle and quite honestly, too many people settle as it is.

Stubborn - re: sailing nearer the coast is more single-man heavy. Inshore sailing is much more coupled and family oriented. I sail, so I see this!

egg, no, course you didnt :)

I think actually, a lot of dating is quite a good thing as sometimes you need to experience things to find out if it is or isnt something you are looking for.

For example, and OP, this might be relevant to you, i always thought that i would prefer a man with no children. I thought i wouldnt want him to have to share his time, and then he would be able to fit into our life a lot easier and i wouldnt have the baggage of ex wifes and contact time etc. Thats not to say ive totally discounted dating any man with children, but my preference has always been no children.

However, literally this year ( after 5 years of dating) i have decided i want someone with children, as those without just do not get it. They have literally NO understanding of life with children, and how my life is, and they tend to be suspended in time man children, spending all their time on the x box, eating pizza while mould grows in their bathroom and their mum comes and does their washing.

OP, sometimes what you think you want, and what you actually want are two totall different things. Having walls is also non negotiable though :) dont care if they are rented or owned, just that they are present!

Notnew Yes, she has a right to have a list of preferences as long as her arm, but the longer the list the more possibilities she is ruling out and then she's on here moaning that there are no available men out there. Men who fit her age range will most likely have children from relationships that didn't work out, that's massively reducing her pot straight away.

From where I see it she has two options she either learns to be happy single or she reviews her criteria. Either way she needs to stop looking for a man to make her happy and take some responsibility for herself.

If she was desperate for a job and was saying I won't travel more than so far, the employer needs to be to a certain kind, I won't consider doing any work that doesn't fit in with my interests, what would we be saying?

I'm not "moaning"

Nice choice of word .

Pi per -

piper, so she should just date anyone at all? just so shes not on her own and cant ' moan' about being single?

sure thats a plan for sure fire happiness