to think I must be abnormal?

[namechangeraug14]

This really upsets me. Try not to be too harsh.

I joined Mumsnet ages ago, as I read a friends link on Facebook, and have posted in bereavement and telly addicts mainly ... But I am not a Mum. I'm 34 and I've never had a boyfriend. Never.

I don't understand why I'm not ugly, I have a good job, my own home, lots of friends, interests ... but have never had any male interest (including online dating when I've tried that.)

Of course the result is that single has sort of become my 'norm'. You know how some people can't cope when they aren't in a relationship; I am sort of the opposite!

And yet I do get lonely and I do desperately want children and it really upsets me that this might never happen.

Does anybody know someone like me?

halfeaten, im very confused, so if the OP doesnt admit that she was abused in her past by a man, then she has must character failure and noone can help her?

what the hell?

So, how do you account for the millions of singles now on their own? they all must have personality problems and be past help?

madness.

Sorry for stupid overreaction :)

Jessie I explain what led me here in my OP. Let's face it I can't discuss Corrie anywhere else that's so funny!

Piper let's just leave it - I'm really not moaning and don't appreciate being told I am.

Vintage - presumably Garlic is suggesting the OP changes her attitude to the situation and makes the most of her single life. I am fiercely committed to being single (or possibly committed to being fiercely single) and it is brilliant.

However, it is hard for anyone to change their feelings to this extent and probably unrealistic for the OP.

It's already left.

DH was 28 and had always been single when we met. We were married with kids within two years. I suspect any major flaws would have shown by now as he is now in his mid forties and we have been together some time.

It just happens i think- he was always busy with hobbies, work- wanted a relationship but barely had time to look up let around. We met at work.

I am blessed now with a loving husband who values me, and knows he is lucky but also has a full life. It's a goof thing.

(goof = good)

Im single, ive been single for eons. I enjoy my life, im happy, im not going to go out with just anyone and dump people if its not right, I dont ever expect it to change

i think it might be a bit unhealthy for me to try to pretend otherwise. same as it might be unhealthy to try to put up walls in the interest for being fiercely single?

and anyway, who would she be pretending to? herself? whats the point in that?

Vintage - I wonder what theory HalfEaten would have as to why I don't want to be a parent? Was I abused by my mother? Love the way they follow their first offensive post with another one.

Jessie - sorry for being defensive, but have been asked that so many times, like most of the childfree people, it gets wearing. I realise some times people are genuinely curious but often it's actually a "you shouldn't be here, you aren't a parent" comment.

Irene - thing is, I make the most of my single life. I think most single people do generally go out, do a lot, keep busy and active. But you can still feel there's a bit missing or a loneliness despite all that.

Now we're all confused! [Grin]

OP I didn't ask why you came here, my question was directed at the similarly-named notnewbutnamechanged and was motivated by genuine pleasure at his contributions!

Op, I think you're going to hate my suggestion - but it will help you meet men.
Learn to play golf.
Go to a driving range and practice hitting the ball, have a few lessons, then visit a golf club (there are many clubs that don't require membership). Golf is very sociable and it's a great way to make both male and female friends.
Guaranteed to meet men and they're not all married and/or middle aged!

All right OP - you don't like the idea of "singles holidays" but actually, that isn't really what was being suggested in several cases. Activity holidays - sailing has been mentioned for e.g. - involve people who like doing something going in a group to do it together. Some may be in a couple, some may be parents, some may be single, the ages may vary - but they've all decided they want to do this activity. It doesn't even have to involve an activity - my friend who has done several of these has done sailing ones but has also booked on a tour of part of Australia - no it wasn't a "singles" holiday either, just a bunch of people who didn't fancy travelling without a guide/itinerary. My MIL has just come back from a tour holiday up to the northern tip of Australia! (And no, it wasn't a SAGA trip either - I'm not entirely sure that SAGA exists over here!)

You don't like walking - that lets out doing Machu Picchu, for e.g. - but I've another (male) friend who did a walking tour there.

Do the things because you enjoy them or have an interest - riding tours would be great! Are there any adult versions of "pony club camp" that you could do? What about hunting, are you vehemently against it? Racing? Polo? Expand on the things you already enjoy doing (I agree with a PP that taking up new hobbies that you're not that interested in purely to meet people isn't a good idea).

I understand that you have a busy working life and an active social life already but so far it's not working for you to achieve what you want to achieve, so something needs to give a bit - and I think part of that, as I've already said, is your mindset.
Maybe you could look at NLP as an option - life coaching. Learn how to change your behaviours and beliefs to get what you want from life (it will help if there are any self-esteem issues lurking as well, which, from your saying that you find it hard to deal with rejection at the moment, there may be)

By the way - I didn't meet DH until I was 36. He was 27. We had our first kiss on his 28th birthday! Married 3 years later, DS1 came along when I was 40. I think that there does come a point where you have to accept that men of your own age or slightly older are likely to either have lots of baggage, with or without children, or have something a bit odd about them if they're still single by then (or they could just be unlucky, that's also a valid reason!) - but if you can deal with a younger man, then they're more likely to still be single and without children already.

OP I think the fact that you can't see talking things through as being helpful is partly the point.

Exploration is all I'm suggesting, discovering a bit more about yourself with a view to seeing if there is anything that you could change or do differently that might help you. Tbh I would recommend talking therapy to anyone, if they had a 'problem' or not because I think it is an interesting beneficial process.

Part of the issue seems to me to be that you can't really see a solution to this, I guess my suggestion is about looking in a different place to see if the solution is there. Because you have explored all the avenues you can see, they're not working. Try some you can't.

Pukous to be honest this is largely because I have actually approached counselling before, and whilst salient observations were made they were observations I had already observed myself.

I am back on my tablet now and can therefore type a bit more freely: I am guilty, or have been I should say, of rigid thinking but I honestly don't feel this is the case here. I am afraid I can't pretend that a holiday, activity based or otherwise, with a bunch of people I don't know, is my idea of hell but that doesn't mean I've completely dismissed everything.

I DO think things are harder now I'm older.

Plus - what do you actually say? 'Hello, I need counselling because I am single.' It would inevitably involve movement of the past to contextualise matters which is so immensely painful I don't want to do it, I don't think - perhaps some think I should, but I think it would make things upsetting to relive them, not relieving.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy might serve you better than counselling namechangeraug14. It works on changing behaviours and ways of thinking more than talking through your issues.

Well maybe this is where life coaching stylee counselling might benefit you more - not so much "Hello I need help because I'm single", more "Hello, I need help to achieve the goals in my life that I feel I haven't managed to attain yet, one of which is to find a life partner and have children". Positivity!

Come on then - tell us why an activity holiday, doing something you enjoy, would be hell. AND tell us why you couldn't manage to rope a friend into doing it with you - do you have no single friends? Or friends in casual relationships who would be happy to come away with you? I'm not poking you, I'm interested - if it's because you're pathologically shy or something, then fair enough - but if it's because you think you'd have nothing in common with those people then I still say you're being too negative and rigid in your thinking. You don't have to answer, of course, but I'm genuinely trying to help you here.

Now that the op has said she won't consider having a child alone that does makes things more difficult.

Again I suggest a man younger than yourself as I imagine(though don't know for sure) that the majority of single men aged 34 and above are more likely to have a child.
Or consider a man aged 40 who may be a father but to an older child.

There is nothing wrong in wanting a man who does not have a child but this will limit your options.

Just out of interest do you socialise with your work colleagues of a similar age? Accept every invite, this may lead to a meet up with a work colleagues single neighbour (grasps at straws- wouldn't take my own advice- see previous thread re desperate friends trying to be helpful).

Hi OP.

I can't read the whole thread, so I'm sorry if I'm being irrelevant/repetitive.

First, I have two friends who had not had a serious relationship at your age. One is now married and expecting DC1 (at 37). One remains single (at 36) (she would like to meet someone and have children, but it's not the be-all and end-all to her). Both are very successful in their careers and have a lot of friends.

You don't sound remotely "abnormal" to me.

Two questions (which you may have already answered - sorry if so):

1. Is the avoidance of rejection and disappointment more important to you than meeting someone? (I don't mean this at all judgily - yes and no are equally valid IMHO).

2. Do you have a (preferably male) friend who will give you an honest appraisal of how you "present yourself" (to men - the "signals" you're giving)?

OP, please try to change the mndset that 34 is "older". That's rigid thinking right there.

pizza, i think if you are being so rude it counts as goading and being a troll and isnt in the spirit of MN, so, please stop it.

Is it bad form on MN to tell a poster to fuck off? Because I'd really like to.

HalfEaten - but why would I like a partner if I am so comfortable and content with my single life?

NotNewButNameChanged, why should I fuck off - because you don't like my answer? But YOU asked me this question. Figure it out for yourself. I believe you are the one goading.

Oh, and I don't get the 'troll' calling each and every time someone doesn't like someone else's reply. Tough. Not everyone is obliged to think like you.

your tone is awful and to say ' i dont think i was far off the mark with my first comment, the truth hurts' when you are talking about potential childhood abuse, is pretty low.

so, i wont be responding to you anymore, and id suggest that others ignore you too.