to think I must be abnormal?

[namechangeraug14]

This really upsets me. Try not to be too harsh.

I joined Mumsnet ages ago, as I read a friends link on Facebook, and have posted in bereavement and telly addicts mainly ... But I am not a Mum. I'm 34 and I've never had a boyfriend. Never.

I don't understand why I'm not ugly, I have a good job, my own home, lots of friends, interests ... but have never had any male interest (including online dating when I've tried that.)

Of course the result is that single has sort of become my 'norm'. You know how some people can't cope when they aren't in a relationship; I am sort of the opposite!

And yet I do get lonely and I do desperately want children and it really upsets me that this might never happen.

Does anybody know someone like me?

I'll start by confessing I haven't read the whole thread and might repeat/misunderstand things. I was just like you, had tried online dating a few times and decided it wasn't for me. Was contacted on Facebook by someone I knew at school. Had my first, horrific, emotionally abusive relationship. After I got the courage to leave him I was persuaded by friends to give online dating another go and I did it in a completely different way. I thought about what really mattered in a relationship - essentially that he was nice and cared about my feelings. Other things like common interests and even looks were much less important than this. I sent messages to lots of men - anyone who seemed vaguely interesting and arranged dates as quickly as possible to see if we got on in real life. I met dp. 4 months later I accidentally fell pregnant and I am now mum to a wonderful ds.

mrsstar, talking online for ages is one of the worst things you can do, anyone who has done even a tiny amount of dating will tell you that, a quick google of online dating advice will tell you that, and have you never seen the film/ programme 'catfish'?

the problem with online dating is there is no truth test you have to pass to set a profile up, you could pretend to be anyone, and many, many do. fake profiles, married men, men with 3 heads, etc, etc, there was a spate of programmes on the bbc this year how many reputabe, paid sites ( as well as free ones) are flooded with fake profiles and actually employ people to set up profiles and chat to members to keep them online.

Thats not even taking into account that you could chat online for ages and then meet up and find they are 5 inches shorter, or smell odd, or have no teeth or you just dont fancy them, or they just dont fancy you and you just wasted 4 months of your life talking to them and £40 in petrol to meet someone with a mullet and a dog on a string who actually runs out on your date when he pretends hes going to the loo.

This is all if he doesnt vanish the night before the date.

This happens way more than people might think, and if you took a peek at the dating thread or did any reseach online you would see this is the case.

and its why i get a bit cross for poor posters when people who havent used dating sites tout it as the solver to all problems, or blame people when its not worked for them

My brother is single Jessie but he is a very complicated and rather damaged character.

At my last workplace, a large secondary school employing some 100 teaching staff as well as those who were part time, plus TAs and office staff, there was myself and one other lady who were single, and one man in his late fifties who was widowed.

That was it. Most people in my experience seem to have gelled with someone by the time they're 25. I'm NOT saying this is the cut off point just saying it's my experience.

Im 35, i do not know any single men my age. i know lots in their 20's but thats not going to work :)

None of my friends know any single men, I lost my shame in asking years ago, none of my family do.

One friend came up with a recently single man, but he was so messed up i would have been a fool to even consider him and as she pointed out, he was a mess.

Thats it, despite being single for 6 years, despite being sociable, despite having a full life and being very friendly and approachable and talking to random people in supermarkets.

It doesnt always follow that if you do x and then x that y will be the result.

Jessie - I had already posted earlier in the thread that none of my friends know any single women to introduce me to. Everyone I know is coupled. Everyone in my sailing club, badminton club, theatre group, tennis club, film club, is coupled. Seriously. It is the same for my female friend I mentioned upthread. Huge network of friends, but they are all coupled and know no singles (except us, it seems). She is 37 and I am 40, so yes, I think it is perfectly possible to say the OP may go into groups where no one has any single friends because I have first-hand experience.

I also wanted to back up an earlier posting someone made about clubs. There is no point joining a club you have no interest in just in case there might be a singleton there. It will show a mile off that you aren't really there for the subject matter and if you aren't interested in it, you won't come off in the best light and be all upbeat and positive.

This is NOT an attempt to say that you are wrong OP, it is supposed to make you feel better: in what I would describe as my extended circle of friends I can think of six women who met their husbands after the age of 32, three of whom (me included) who were over 35. All of those husbands were single, never-married men with no children and they are all lovely! It does happen, honestly.

I think what people need to think about is, how many single people do they themselves know?

And then how many of those single people who they recommend to someone to date.

Then they need to realise that that is the case for people who are single too, they dont move in different circles, or have a wildly different experience to most people.

Its like when people tell me that ' you never know, you might get asked out in the supermarket, so make sure you aways look nice, be happy and smiley and interesting' but then you ask then when the last time they were asked out in sainsburys, and they look all blank and say they never have been.
Well, just because you are single does not mean that this things become more likely. There arent large flashing beacons on single peoples heads.

notnewbutnamechanged - I have first hand experience of the opposite. So we're both right. Doesn't really help the OP though!

Get a job in a pub a couple of nights a week. Seriously. Not a loud, city centre bar, but a decent local pub in the next town.

I wouldn't change hobbies to meet someone. I don't think there is any point pretending to like something you don't.

I also agree with the limit on distance.
Fwiw I met my dp on line. I resisted it for ages until a work colleague, now married to her od partner, persuaded me to give it a go.. I was bored and thought what is the worst that can happen?

At first it was a minefield I had a date with someone who just wasn't right for me.
I chatted to men who I knew weren't dating material but nonetheless we had a good old chat. Then within days my now dp messaged me , he looked decent, lived fairly close, but not too close!

We met and were instantly attracted to each other, in a way I certainly didn't expect.

On paper we don't have that much In common. He has had more partners than me. But was totally honest about that from day 1. I was still married when we met but going through a divorce.
We do lots of things together, like you I love the theatre and he had never been until I took him. I am going to rugby with him.

He has also joined my gym.

On paper he would not have shown an interest in the theatre and I would not have indicated any interest in rugby. Does that matter, no, not one bit. I said to him from the start that having hobbies in common was not a priority, if it was then I would have met someone during a trip to the theatre.

I work with females he works with males. I am very feminine he is very masculine.

Our paths would not have crossed without on line dating.

All my friends are in relationships and it does limit your scope for meeting someone attractive and available.

You are not abnormal.

Personally from what you said you want I would look for a younger man, I do think men older than you will most likely have children.

Good look in you search.

Thanks Jessie - encouraging to know it can happen!

I will definitely update you if it does :)

It's all down to luck. But I agree, you do have to help yourself.

OP you are coming across as a little closed-minded and defeatist. It seems you have virtually given up which I think is sad.

I met my DP 2 weeks before my 35th birthday. I was out having a few drinks in a bar (fwiw this is how most of my friends have met their significant others). Do you get much opportunity to do this?

He was 27 (not ideal because I wanted children and had booked an appointment at a fertility clinic to discuss going it alone - not having children wasn't something I wanted to contemplate) but... we clicked. And we're very happy together two yrs later, buying a house and ttc .

There is always hope...

I second getting a part-time job in a cocktail/wine bar. I used to own a bar/music venue and I was beating them off with a stick having gone through long, looong periods of singledom in my 20s. Some men were interested in me because I obviously had a few quid, but mostly it was when I'd jumped in behind the bar to help that I'd get talking. By then I'd met my future DH, but I often thought that my timing was off

OP you sound so like a great great friend of mine I thought you may be her, until you said your brother was single which is the only difference.

So when I say this to you I guess I am maybe actually trying to say it to my oldest and closest friend in the world.

If you are happy with your decision to just wait and see with the understanding that it may happen but may not then thats great. You sound lovely and like you have a very full life that many may genuinely envy. But if that is not the case then something has to change and the only thing you can change is you. Not because you are wrong, bad or even abnormal but because whats happening now isn't working. It is up to you how that change comes about, clearly a load of strangers on the Internet, despite the best of intentions, haven't been able to give you the answer you want or need to hear.

Personally if I thought I needed to change I would start in a place that was safe to unpick a little what made me me, ie. some talking therapy. Please understand I am not suggesting for a second there is anything wrong or a specific problem, in fact if you are like my friend you couldn't be more wonderful.

I suspect that you hit the nail on the head when you said having never had a relationship meant you just can't get your head into the space of being in one and miss signals or signs from all types of people, not just the non existent single men. Maybe chatting this all through with someone could help you change this.

I don't really know anything about this, I've only ever had one boyfriend having been the same as you til I was 27, then I married him. But if I had the chance this is what I wish I could say to my dearest pal who is truly fabulous. She brings so much to me and I just wish I were able to help her a little achieve the thing I know she wants most.

I also did not want to spend my time in pubs.

My ex h although not an alcoholic, was far too involved with alcohol and it entailed my dd1 making me promise that I would not meet someone in a pub. Therefore limiting my opportunities even more.
I agree 100 percent that relationships don't just happen.

You have to search for them.

Even though I knew lots of people, I don't know of any eligible single men.

I really think online dating is where the majority of people my age meet each other now .

This is not a Hollywood movie, I don't know anyone who has met in sainsburys, walking the dog, out on a walk, whilst alone drinking a coffee in Starbucks or any of those places.

Susan - I don't think the majority of people meet through online dating. I think the majority of people try it but as I said earlier, despite knowing so many who used it, I only know two people who got beyond a handful of dates and got into a relationship. And these were normal, decent people.

I think it's still the case that most people in their early 20s meet their partners at university and that most people in their later-20s and 30s meet through work.

I totally agree with you, that the number of people who meet someone walking the dog or in the post office queue are very, very few.

I have a dog, hes very old, ive been walking him for 12 years, not one date :)

It is not hollywood.

You do have to get out there, it is harder and harder as you get older and the chances of meeting someone decent get smaller and smaller, but you either do that, or do nothing.

Sometimes people tell you you must be trying to hard, to stop looking and getting out there and then it will magically happen, when it doesnt they tell you its your fault for not putting yourself out there.

The thing with all this ' advice' is its just platitudes people say because they dont know what else to say, and, when you are looking for answers or help, its just hollow words.

Another vote for working behind a bar a couple of times a week. I did it in my thirties (while working full time in a management role at a uni during the day). Fun, social and definitely provided opportunities to meet people.

Get a job in a pub a couple of nights a week. Seriously. Not a loud, city centre bar, but a decent local pub in the next town.

One morning when I was single, I was putting my rubbish bag into the big rubbish skip at the exit to my flat when I dropped my keys into the bottom of it the skip. They weren't buried in rotting food but they I was too short to reach in and get them out. Panicking, I accosted a bloke who was walking past and asked him if he'd reach in and get them for me. He did. We got chatting on the way to the tube and ended up going on a couple of dates. Didn't go anywhere but it was almost a romcom situation!

Do your friends have anyone they could introduce you to? it doesn't have to be a blind date, just introduce you to some nice people, get chatting and see how it goes. I met my dh through friends on a night out, neither of us wanted to go out that night but went along with our mutual friends. I had given up on meeting anyone and he wasn't interested in dating anyone at the time and it turned out to be a life changing night for us both, we clicked. We are married now with one dc and another on the way.

The OD can be hit or miss, it's all the luck of the draw, some are lovely, some are not. You could try a local dating agency if you don't want to go od?

Are you part of or have you tried joining clubs for your interests/hobbies, my friend met a lovely guy through a local walking club recently and they really hit it off.

I believe there is someone for everyone so don't give up. Know what you want and what you don't want and don't settle, if it isn't working move on and find someone else. Your soulmate is out there so don't give up hope, sometimes you just need to be in the right place at the right time. Sometimes if a guy is shy, you may need to take the lead and strike up conversation.

Vintagecrap - Goes to show how much I know!! As I say, I have never used it (or seen that film) but just heard from a few people that this is what they did and it worked well for them, two (well four in total) are now in long term relationships with that person.

And whoever it was that said I was patronising, that wasn't the intention. I was trying (and clearly failing) to use the film as a light hearted example of how sometimes we meet people when we don't expect to.

Two out of how many, mrsstar?

I think it does work for some people, but thats down to luck more than anything. It doesnt work for the majority of people.

I know a lovely woman, she did online dating for 5 years, 100's of dates, had all the advice under the sun, she looked too slutty, too consertative, her profle was too long, too short, she needed more hobbies, less hobbies as she was too independent and it put men off. she was told to lie about her job, or move location, or stop trying or try harder. Told she must be desperate and needy and men pick up on it, told shes not needy enough and needs to be more vunerable.etc etc. 5 years of that crap. Shes finally met someone, hes lovely, she couldnt be happier, i couldnt he happier for her, and do you know what? she didnt change a thing. It was just luck.

Its all just luck. Meeting the right person at the right time. Sometimes that happens when you are 22 and you go though life thinking that anyone it didnt happen to must be doing it wrong. Sometimes you might not meet that person till you are 42. Sometmes you might end up divorced and have to listen to well meaning advice from those who got married at 22 and havent got a clue how the world has changed :)

Not new- I'm referring to people my age , well past university age!

I met my ex h at a party but that was 25 years ago.

I agree that people in their 20s and early 30s meet up at uni or in a club etc but it does get much harder the older you get.

There are a lot of single people around but I was adamant that I did not want another drinker , hence my comment about not meeting in a pub.

I'm not slating anyone who meets that way but it certainly is a red flag for me after being what I have been through .

Of all the couples I know who have met their oh in later life the vast majority have met online.

Op- you need to decide how strong your desire to have a child is. Are you prepared to go it alone and have a child without a partner?

Off the top of my head there were about 5 people in this conversation - in fact I was surprised as I was the only person in the room who hadn't used online dating - probably because I'm an old fart!