AIBU: MNHQ's thoughts and what you can do

[RowanMumsnet]

Hello there

We've seen a fair number of posts recently about AIBU, and specifically about whether there's a problem in terms of some posters being gratuitously aggressive, even if the posts aren't particularly guideline-breaking in any other way.

We've done some careful monitoring of AIBU over the last couple of weeks and... We agree. Quite a few threads in AIBU do seem to veer off into a pointlessly unpleasant direction with very little provocation.

So from now on, we're going be looking out for posters who seem to put the boot in a bit too readily, and we'll be dropping them "polite mails" asking them to draw their horns in a bit. (And then if they carry on, we'll take further action.)

We'll also remove the text from the header about AIBU not being a fight club, because it's possible that this was (perversely) prompting people to think it was a fight club.

We'd really, really like to enlist your help in making AIBU a more pleasant and constructive place to post.

First off, please don't feel you have wait for an MNHQ response: the MN forums are what you, collectively, make of them, and you can set the tone. If you think an OP is being rounded on, go on and post - and say (without making personal attacks) if you think other posts have crossed a line in terms of meanness or aggression. (Feel free to refer posters back to this thread!)

But also, please report. Not necessarily because you think a post is deletable, but if you think a poster could do with getting one of our polite mails.

To be completely clear: AIBU is exactly the same as all the other topics on Mumsnet, and the same rules apply. Ideally, we want MN to be a place where people can discuss, share, entertain each other, and seek advice and support. It's not a place for posters to take lumps out of each other for no reason, and with no intention of offering constructive/interesting/funny input.

Thanks,
MNHQ

Do people N/C mid thread often?

if you had a second name Wigges then that would work?

sorry - Wiggles

YY just keep a name 'in hand' ready?

We will never know Sparkling. Posters can NC mid thread to play devils advocate and throw a bomb into the thread. They could post as themselves, immediately NC and post something completely different!
(this is not something I've done I hasten to add!)

I'm totally not a techie person but would it be possible for posters to be able to delete their own history?

That way they could be allowed two nicknames

One with a deletable history option and one without

I have never noticed N/C mid thread-I though that came under sock puppet territory.

I do actually believe with all the N/C there are about 50 posters on MN tops.

I kind of agree with you Roussette, it's too easy to name change, and it's not necessary. With the exception of delicate situations, it should be that if you can't say it in your known name, then it doesn't need saying

I completely disagree with that.
The fact that you can name change means you can protect your identity much better and I wouldn't be posting otherwise. especially since MN is on Facebook too.
I know some posters who have a very well known name (let's say AnyFucker) but if you ever read their posts, there is never anything remotely personal in them. That's great for them but not the way I post. I want to be able to talk about my own experiences (dcs, dh, work etc) but I don't want to take the risk of being recognisable (because of my work actually).
I'm pretty sure a lot of other posters are in the same case.

And YY to make AIBU a much more pleasant place. And avoid comments such as ''you sound unhinged/loony/bonkers'. Not nice, especially when the poster is clearly in a difficult place already.

That's a flippin' good idea Worra. why didn't I think of that

I thought that NC in the middle of a thread wasn't allowed under the MN guidelines anyway. And that you can get pull on it (I would imagine that they can track that easily)

I don't know anyone in RL on MN, but if I did I still wouldn't N/C. DS2 went to his mates a while ago and told his mate's Mum-My Mum is on Mumsnet-her NN is Sparklingbrook, you should go on there too'

Stratter5
I kind of agree with you Roussette, it's too easy to name change, and it's not necessary

With the exception of delicate situations, it should be that if you can't say it in your known name, then it doesn't need saying

Disagree. I have posted about my family, my local area, my job, a situation with a friend just because I can name change and therefore the various threads can't be linked together to identify me - not sure why anyone would want to but you never know!

The reason for this is I have mentioned my workplace and its practices when giving information to toher posters - this information is probably not in the glossy annual report but might be along the lines of an instance when someone was unfairly treated, how we dealt with it, the outcome etc. I always take care to anonymise as far as possible but when crossed with posts of a personal nature it would be easy to identify me and ergo my employer. I like to help where I can, but it is just not worth me risking my employment.

Similarly I've posted about family members and other situations where yes, I wouldn't be in iminent danger if identified but it would be deeply uncomfortable for both parties.

Also, I was a member of a closed messge board for about 5 years. I felt smothered towards the end - like this group of people knew my salary, the last argument I'd had with my husband, where my kids went to school. It was too much and I relish the anonymity and lack of bond-buillding that name changing affords.

In summary I'm saying if name changing to be goady then this is bad (and presumably can be recognised by MNHQ) but if namechanging is banned then I would probably contribte very little to a discussion apart from "mmmmm sounds bad" or "yeah, that's good".

I name change a lot. If I were to look back they are all about sensitive or identifying situations - never so I can put the boot in with impunity.

If the name change facility were removed it would stop me seeking advice on those issues which are too sensitive to ask RL friends

However...I do think everyone should have a 'main' name and stick with that name only using their alter ego on the sensitive issues. Hard to police but perhaps restrict name changes to threads like Employment, Relationships, Legal, Financial?? Or stop name changes in AIBU and chat?

The thing is, even when you're being careful, you can make lots of different posts that could add up to you being identified. On one thread just the age and sex of your dc. On another that you live in Yorkshire. On another that your dh is a solicitor. On another that you were at Alton Towers on Saturday. Etc.

I've been shocked before when I've been a bit lax with nc, when I go through my last months posts, just how much I've given away as an overall picture.

Nc doesn't change what I say. But it does stop me worrying that one day I'll post about dh's boss being an arsehole (for instance) and someone has already recognised me from a number of seemingly anonymous statements that all add up.

If I couldn't nc I wouldn't use mn nearly as much. I suspect lots of people are the same.

I very often PM other Mumsnetters if I want an opinion on something and don't fancy an opinion en masse.

Great stuff, MNHQ. Pleased you are dealing with this, and in a very balanced way if I may say.

We also need to stop the comments of "oh look the thread police are here" when someone makes a comment trying to stop the unpleasantness or bickering. I go this thrown at me recently and it is very off-putting and unpleasant.

I think the attraction on MN is the ability to name change.

I don't need to know who is who, why would I? It is up to the individual what they want attributable to that NN. However, importantly, MNHQ can see who everyone is, so they can pick up any patterns of nasty posts and act accordingly.

Therefore, if everyone reports horrible posts, MNHQ can see who is posting what and whether it is appropriate.

I don't like it when you have got used to a name and you like their style and share their opinions then they suddenly disappear.
I have been known to PM them to check they are ok.

I think you're describing behaviour that only works if you have a relationship (on any level) with other posters Sparkling. I don't. I really don't know who I'd miss or who I'd mail in the situations you describe

Roussette I have no idea if it's possible

But that way, posters would be responsible for managing their own history on their 'incognito' account...as long as they're not using it to be goady.

Their other account, they can use for every day stuff and people will then get to 'know' them.

It's usually in certain Topics (like The Litter Tray) Front where you do get to know the other cat owners I guess and can ask opinions.

Plus there are posters that i got to know live locally to me, but I don't know who they are in RL.

I'm glad that something is being done. I thought I was just being overly sensitive or a little paranoid that some posters were being nasty.
I posted ( a very rare thing, though I have been here a while) and was shocked at the sheer venom of some replies. I removed myself from the post.
Constructive criticism is fine but some posters went out their way to reword my post so they could attack.
It has also put me off replying to some other posts as I don't want t be involved in some cyber bitch-fest,
I name change, I don't see the issue if you want to stay anonymous.

For me it's all the massive assumptions and reading between the lines that people do, they seem incapable of taking any OP at face value.