AIBU: MNHQ's thoughts and what you can do

[RowanMumsnet]

Hello there

We've seen a fair number of posts recently about AIBU, and specifically about whether there's a problem in terms of some posters being gratuitously aggressive, even if the posts aren't particularly guideline-breaking in any other way.

We've done some careful monitoring of AIBU over the last couple of weeks and... We agree. Quite a few threads in AIBU do seem to veer off into a pointlessly unpleasant direction with very little provocation.

So from now on, we're going be looking out for posters who seem to put the boot in a bit too readily, and we'll be dropping them "polite mails" asking them to draw their horns in a bit. (And then if they carry on, we'll take further action.)

We'll also remove the text from the header about AIBU not being a fight club, because it's possible that this was (perversely) prompting people to think it was a fight club.

We'd really, really like to enlist your help in making AIBU a more pleasant and constructive place to post.

First off, please don't feel you have wait for an MNHQ response: the MN forums are what you, collectively, make of them, and you can set the tone. If you think an OP is being rounded on, go on and post - and say (without making personal attacks) if you think other posts have crossed a line in terms of meanness or aggression. (Feel free to refer posters back to this thread!)

But also, please report. Not necessarily because you think a post is deletable, but if you think a poster could do with getting one of our polite mails.

To be completely clear: AIBU is exactly the same as all the other topics on Mumsnet, and the same rules apply. Ideally, we want MN to be a place where people can discuss, share, entertain each other, and seek advice and support. It's not a place for posters to take lumps out of each other for no reason, and with no intention of offering constructive/interesting/funny input.

Thanks,
MNHQ

[VioletHare]

Name changing IS much easier on mn than elsewhere.

It's why i switched to mn. Not for trolling purposes, but for anonymity.

If mn removed the ability to nc, I think they'd lose a lot of their users with it.

[ginslinger]

no not at all! Sorry, I meant that I don't recognise a lot of the people who are really nasty in the sense that I don't see them as the oldies, if you like (I was making fun of myself by suggesting that they should introduce themselves). I was surprised that so many of them are the old timers. Sorry for not being clear - I shall stick myself in an unreasonable corner

[VioletHare]

I see a lot of nastiness from people who I have no idea who the hell they are

That doesn't mean they're not an oldie.

I'm pretty sure you have no idea who I am. Yet I've been here years, and am a regular poster on aibu. But also a regular name changer.

[ginslinger]

Yes, I know Violet - that's why I made fun of myself with the eyeroll

[Stratter5]

I'll join you in the Unreasonable Corner for being so damn thick

Not lots of old timers (arf), just a small core of them, it surprised me because I'd always had them down as good and reasonable posters, and there seems to have been a bit of a personality change going on.

[ginslinger]

because I never namechange (apart from an odd seasonal one) I forget that people do.

[Stratter5]

Same here, I cba to namechange, and I enjoy the fact that I 'know' posters and they know me.

[RowanMumsnet]

We'll be equal opportunities emailers, Stratter5 - very happy to email oldies as well as newbies. And all the '-bies' in between. Just send us a report and we'll do the rest.

[EarthWindFire]

Like the term equal opportunity emailers MNHQ

[Kimaroo]

I really think you should just get rid of the whole topic. There'd be nothing stopping people posting in Education with the title 'AIBU to give my child lemonade in his drinks bottle every day?' but it would make time-wasters think twice about whether it's worth posting 'AIBU to have another glass of wine?' when they've actually got to search for the relevant topic to put it in.

[Roussette]

Can I make a suggestion/comment on namechanging?

I have been on a couple of other forums in the past (anyone remember Handbag?) and as far as I know, no other forums allow NCing like this, so I do find it odd on here that anyone can anytime change their profile name to possibly post or message someone in a not so pleasant way which is of course cowardly behaviour. I totally get it that someone in a DV situ or someone who has a very personal problem might want or, indeed, need to namechange. However, could NCing be the exception and not available at the click of a button?

What I mean is... if a regular MNer wanted to NC for the reasons above, they could contact MNHQ explaining why and for that particular problem be allowed to. I appreciate it will cause MNHQ extra work but I do think NCing distorts MN somewhat. I'm not such a regular as others on here but I do think we should all 'own' our posts if at all possible.

I have been affected by someone continually NCing in the past (but can't go into the nightmare details I'm afraid) and I think MN would be a better place if everyone lived by their profile name (apart from the sort of difficult situations outlined above.)

This is just my very humble opinion

[Stratter5]

I kind of agree with you Roussette, it's too easy to name change, and it's not necessary.

With the exception of delicate situations, it should be that if you can't say it in your known name, then it doesn't need saying.

[Lauren83]

Completely agree with this, there's a few posters I can set my watch by, a couple of posts in will be in with baiting vile messages

Maybe I'm just not hardened enough for here, spend far to much time moderating on FF site and this place shocks me at times I do love it though!

I'm all for heated debate don't get me wrong but bullying is a different thing

[Lauren83]

I agree with a PP

I have seen forums where admin can post anon on behalf of a poster wanting anonymity in case of a 'delicate' situ

[Sparklingbrook]

I understand namechanging for a sensitive subject, but I get the feeling there are constant namechangers with an agenda. Maybe there should be a limit on the amount on NN you can 'own'.

Also names similar to other names causes all sorts of confusion.

[aNoteToFollowSo]

Yeees, I can see that NC'ing might encourage nastiness but I do personally relish the freedom to NC as and when I like (let me add hastily that I like to think of myself as a good sort who has never used NC as an excuse for being plain horrible. On AIBU or anywhere else )

My personal bugbear, on AIBU and elsewhere, is the tendency for posters to reply to an OP, often someone sounding quite vulnerable or desperate, with 'you sound unhinged/loony/bonkers' or similar charming adjectives. What possible motive can there be for that except to leave someone feeling awful? It's bullying of the worst kind, and I just move off a thread as soon as I see it. But maybe, in light of RowanMN has said, I will try challenging that phrase. I just can't face drawing all that aggression towards me to be honest, but maybe we have to take a stand to stop things.

MNHQ, do you agree that the phrase is report-worthy? I hate seeing posters rubbished like that. Especially if they DO sound a bit batty - all the more reason to be gentle with them, and realize that they might welcome a bit of help.

[WorraLiberty]

I do honestly think people should only be allowed to name change to protect their anonymity, when it's clear it needs protecting.

Not to start controversial threads because they're afraid to stand by what they're saying.

There would be way less goady threads if we knew who was starting them and people would soon learn to ignore that person, instead of encouraging them.

[Roussette]

And surely in the long run, if NCing was the exception like I said in my post, there would be far less work for MNHQ tracking down those that NC for nefarious reasons and on reported posts. I am sure there are those on here who just NC to have a pop at posters that irritate them.

[Sparklingbrook]

Can't wait for deletion messages along the lines of 'deleted due to poster being an arse'.

[Nanny0gg]

I kind of agree with you Roussette, it's too easy to name change, and it's not necessary. With the exception of delicate situations, it should be that if you can't say it in your known name, then it doesn't need saying

^^This. Plus, I like to get to know people online. And being old I can't usually work out the obvious clues so it's not as easy as I'd like. I have done it for a personal reason (not wanting to be outed) but I don't want to do it again. I didn't feel like 'me'.

And speaking as a former moderator of another site, I wish MNHQ all the luck in the world with this.

It's being done with the best of intentions but I think there is about to be a great big time wasting can of worms opening up with all those twitchy reporting fingers limbering up.

[ginslinger]

maybe we should only be allowed one name change - sensitive stuff can go on the second name

[Sparklingbrook]

I do get a bit at 'N/C for this' followed but the dullest most innocuous OP ever.

[Lauren83]

aNoteToFollowSo

Funny you say that I posted an aibu about recovering a deposit from a property with an ex I left and I got a post telling me I sounded unhinged/needed a mental health checkup/sounded impulsive and out of control type thing

Nothing I had said had would of warranted that

I was a bit shocked!

[wigglesrock]

I name change occasionally, always with regards to a particular subject (I name change due to my husbands job). I can't see how contacting MNHQ and asking to name change would work if you were commenting on a fast moving thread.

[Roussette]

Sparklingbrook... yes!!

And NannyOgg I couldn't agree with you more. I am Roussette like me or loathe me! I just prefer to recognise posters and it's really hard to do that with all this NCing going on.