AIBU: MNHQ's thoughts and what you can do

[RowanMumsnet]

Hello there

We've seen a fair number of posts recently about AIBU, and specifically about whether there's a problem in terms of some posters being gratuitously aggressive, even if the posts aren't particularly guideline-breaking in any other way.

We've done some careful monitoring of AIBU over the last couple of weeks and... We agree. Quite a few threads in AIBU do seem to veer off into a pointlessly unpleasant direction with very little provocation.

So from now on, we're going be looking out for posters who seem to put the boot in a bit too readily, and we'll be dropping them "polite mails" asking them to draw their horns in a bit. (And then if they carry on, we'll take further action.)

We'll also remove the text from the header about AIBU not being a fight club, because it's possible that this was (perversely) prompting people to think it was a fight club.

We'd really, really like to enlist your help in making AIBU a more pleasant and constructive place to post.

First off, please don't feel you have wait for an MNHQ response: the MN forums are what you, collectively, make of them, and you can set the tone. If you think an OP is being rounded on, go on and post - and say (without making personal attacks) if you think other posts have crossed a line in terms of meanness or aggression. (Feel free to refer posters back to this thread!)

But also, please report. Not necessarily because you think a post is deletable, but if you think a poster could do with getting one of our polite mails.

To be completely clear: AIBU is exactly the same as all the other topics on Mumsnet, and the same rules apply. Ideally, we want MN to be a place where people can discuss, share, entertain each other, and seek advice and support. It's not a place for posters to take lumps out of each other for no reason, and with no intention of offering constructive/interesting/funny input.

Thanks,
MNHQ

[Pinkrose1]

Maryz.......coat that Magnum in chocolate and I am in heaven

[Darkesteyes]

higgle it was your post saying that body shaming/fat shaming helped people to get on the right track and get thin. And then you sighted the success stories that have been in magazines as some shining example saying it was the fat shaming that helped get them on the right track.....this is bullying.

Which doesn't seem to be as condoned in other situations.

[Pinkrose1]

Prima! Good idea. Get rid entirely or 'Ranters Paradise'.

I could rant for hours about bastards parking outside my house. My house! Neighbours who plant fecking leylandii! People who park inches from the junctions so you can't see the road! People who drive too fast! People who drive too slow! Slow people at checkouts who can't find the right change. use a fecking card! And don't forget the bloody PIN!

You get my drift.

We could even get political and call it the Daily Mail tribute thread.

[Darkesteyes]

What I mean by that post is that body/fat shaming IS bullying.

When I was in my 20s I was very big and used to get "you fat bitch" a lot when I walked past pubs.

When I was in my 30s Id lost 10 stone and was a smoker and quite often used to walk past or inside pubs on nights out smoking.
How many times did I hear "You smoking bitch" NOT ONCE.
If it was really about health I would have been derided for smoking just as much as I was for being overweight.
But I wasn't.
Because its nothing to do with health and everything to do with making others feel like shit.

[FrontForward]

Well I reported a post 24 hrs ago and they have just deleted that post ...however that post stood for all that time so the content was available causing offence/harm to another member on here. It does make me wonder whether there is any point in reporting

[Viviennemary]

I agree with Prima. What's the point in having these long threads talking about AIBU and nothing changes.

[WorraLiberty]

There is no point FrontForward

It took 22 hours for the post outing someone's name change to disappear

If HQ can't keep on top of really simple, straightforward reports, how on earth are they going to manage to monitor reports from people who think someone could do with a 'polite email'?

Looking into reports that don't actually break the guidelines, to see if the person being reported is in fact generally a tosser, is going to take manpower (horrible word!) that they clearly struggle with.

[WorraLiberty]

I'm not saying they don't do their very best btw...just that it's frustrating.

[Vitalstatistix]

I'd like to see a change in the rules so that if someone has just poured their heart out and asked for help or support, some utter dickwart coming along and saying "paragraphs" or "it's not there it's their, hth" or some other totally asinine comment gets deleted and their arse handed to them. I think that might help the section a little bit, tbh. If mn is supposed to be a supportive site, dedicated to making parents' lives easier, then someone being a total twat over paragraphs or punctuation should be told to pack it in.

[CateBlanket]

They should just get rid of AIBU. In fact now that the forum is so busy they need to do some serious housekeeping and re-think the various boards. Lot of merging of topics needs doing.

[FrontForward]

And again. Allowing personal attacks to stand for 24 hours before deleting them makes the deletion pointless. The person attacked has been attacked. Everyone has seen it. It's gone unchallenged by MNHQ and by the time it is deleted nobody is looking and the person attacked assumes no one cares...whilst the attacker thinks they got away with it.

I really don't think there is much point in moderation if it's so late

[EthicalPickle]

IABU is sweetness and light compared with some of the threads on step parenting.

[mummytime]

There have been occasionally wonderful AIBU threads. Usually someone comes on and posts because they are doubting themselves and are then told clearly they are definitely not the one being unreasonable. It is a much stronger message there than anywhere else.

I would hate to lose that.

[ilovesooty]

I've been disappointed by MNHQ and their stance on moderation and deletion over the past couple of days.

I have no problem with AIBU. I do have a problem with abuse being allowed to stand and MNHQ s justification of that. Not that I had a reply to my report.

[Pagwatch]

Vitalstatistix

But posters can tell them they are being a twat.
I always respond to pedants picking on spelling for no reason other than to be unkind.
It doesn't need a change of rules. People just need to call them on it and tell them not to be dicks.
It's like 'is that all you have to worry about' etc.

[KnittedJimmyChoos]

I should think its pretty obvious who the goader nasty posters are. I certainly see their names crop up again and again, its also really easy to see how they de rail threads, and then people get busy and dragged where they do want to go defending themselves over ridiculous accusations.



By the way if MNHQ have attention over this thread I often think it would be great to somehow recognise posters who give time and time again amazing advice on certain topics, off top of my head Atilla Meerkat in relationships, Chunderella and RedtoothBrush in Child birth, PastsellbyDate in primary education...

These posters are so helpful to an amazing amount of people seems a shame they cant be recognised for their work?

[KnittedJimmyChoos]

I've been disappointed by MNHQ and their stance on moderation and deletion over the past couple of days

same here.

[ilovesooty]

Yes Jimmy but it appears that you and I have different concerns, judging by the other thread.

[KnittedJimmyChoos]

Yes I love, Not sure what your concern is, mine is the live person typing behind the key pad, getting slaughtered over nothing.

[Pinkrose1]

MNHQ. On AIBU is there anything you can reasonably do about the habit of dissecting a phrase, taking it out of context, twisting it and then completely ignoring the OP trying to explain it more clearly and being ignored? Then being set upon by others for the thing the 'twister' has written! It's so manipulative. It's also clever enough to slip under talk guidelines and difficult to report despite the fact others are saying complete rubbish about what you haven't written. Gaslighting is, I believe, the term.

It's a very nebulous, manipulative way of intimidating and belittling people but so hard to pin down in a reporting email. Is there any way of policing this type of behaviour?

[KnittedJimmyChoos]

On AIBU is there anything you can reasonably do about the habit of dissecting a phrase, taking it out of context, twisting it and then completely ignoring the OP trying to explain it more clearly and being ignored? Then being set upon by others for the thing the 'twister' has written! It's so manipulative. It's also clever enough to slip under talk guidelines and difficult to report despite the fact others are saying complete rubbish about what you haven't written. Gaslighting is, I believe, the term.


MNHQ, this poster has summed up what happens very succinctly and its something I have see you miss time and time again, and its when things get nasty...this is what is happening!!!

If cant recognise this - and stamp it out you have little chance of ever raising up aibu.

[KnittedJimmyChoos]

Thanks Pink Rose, lets hope they can recognise this.

[Pinkrose1]

MNHQ. Can you at least acknowledge that this type of behaviour does go on and is one of the reasons people like me get so frustrated? It's easy enough to report and delete someone who says 'I'm sick of this hounding, fuck off'. Much more difficult to delete someone who has twisted what a poster says and is screaming rascist, fascist, disablist, homophobic etc?

[Pinkrose1]

Sorry if I was rude but it is desperately upsetting to try to do and say the right thing and be ripped to shreds.

[ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy]

Agree pink.

MNHQ, would you consider a suggestion at the top of threads that posters read all the OP's posts, or at least first two and last two pages before posting, as sometimes the pile ons continue after OP has listened and changed her POV.