Sat in tears . . . I can no longer be a financial crutch!

[Roundedbuttocks90]

Hello everyone.

My DH has a daughter (4) with his ex partner and we have a DD together (11 MO).

DSD used to live around a 15 minute drive from us and used to stay with us at least 4 nights a week.

Recently her mum has moved over 50 miles away an DSD now lives with her and her new BF for the majority of the week.
DH gets an adequate wage, only just enough to make ends meet and I have a cleaning job for two mornings a week and get around £40 from that. I inherited £2000 off my grandmother who died late last year and I have been dipping into that so that we could make ends meet a little more.

Anyway DH's ex has decided that because she will now be having DSD the majority of the time the maintenance has to go from £30 per week to £40 per week. DH has obliged. As well as this we are having to travel all the way to DSDs mum's house. She refuses to meet halfway and has said that she wants petrol money if she has to drive halfway!!

This means that we are driving there on a Wednesday night to collect her and take her back, then taking her back on Friday morning and driving back home THEN we pick her up Saturday morning and take her back Sunday afternoon.

This is all done in MY 1.25 02 plate Ford fiesta that i pay to insure, tax, MOT and repair. DH sometimes puts petrol in but it is usually me.

It's getting beyond a joke that's 440 miles on picking DSD up alone! We simply can't afford it anymore! It's not sustainable! I am nearly broke but DH says that he has to see his daughter! That's fine, I'm not trying to stop that as she is a lovely little girl but I just with her mother would, quite literally meet us half way!

SIL said that she had seen DSD's mum in our hometown last week because she had been to have electrolysis on her top lip. She didn't have DSD with her and tht has pissed me off.
She can drive all the way over here for her own benefit but can't drive her daughter to meet us half way.
She doesn't work and she doesn't have any more kids other than DSD.

What do you think? AIBU suggesting that DH grows a pair. We can't afford the petrol AND the maintainence. Take into consideration that we are still having DSD 3 nights a week.
We want to see DSD as much as poss but its going to be impossible if we carry on like this.

We're skint and we have another child to feed. I'm being made to feel like such a horrible cow :(

Can you take it to court and make her drop DSD as part of the arrangement since she's the one that moved?

I'm confused by Fridays?

DH won't go down that route as him and his ex still 'get along' for the sake of DSD. He wants as little animosity between them as possible which is admirable (seeing as though she cheated on him!)

She says jump and he says how high? I can see why he wants to abide. Who wants their kids stuck inbetween two rowing parents? No one, but I have no savings and neither does he. IMO she shouldn't have been getting any maintenance when she was living with us the majority of the time as she wanted for nothing!

E take her back Friday morning as she has pre school in the afternoon then we pick her up Saturday morning

that's insane. you need to maybe talk about altering the days she comes to you so that you have her for a couple of consecutive days rather than travelling back and forth

Why take her back on a Friday, only to pick her up again on the Saturday? thats 100 miles right there for no reason. Just take her back Friday and leave her there one week, then alternate weeks, keep her til Sunday. Would that be doable?

Is DSD starting school in September? If she is then I think your present arrangement will have to change anyway, you can't do a 50 mile school run twice a week surely? Has your DH and his ex decided what will happen when she starts school, if you are the only person providing the transport then it's only fair you let them both know what you are, and are not prepared to do. Good luck.

sorry, crossed posts. I didnt see she had preschool fridays.

Three things

• are your and DHs finances separate? don't you share the car costs? why are 'you' nearly broke (and not the two of you together?) doesn't sound fair
• what would the CSA calculation for maintenance be?
• can you reorganise visiting days and times to reduce the number of trips? It's not only the money that's ridiculous, it's the fact DSD is doing 400+ miles a week in a car. Hardly quality time.

Really he should have tried taking her to court to stop her moving 50 miles away but what done is done, next thing he should do is of course stand up to his ex or take her to court because it is unfair she has moved yet your partner is paying all the travel costs. Also have you calculated online how much child support your partner would pay through csa?

But it sounds like your oh can not be bothered and is happy for money to be tight for your family so what really can you do? Nothing but I feel for you and your child.

Yanbu op that's an insane amount of travel. Do you think you can change the days from Saturday onwards so to avoid the preschool day?
Your DH should look into getting some formal arrangement, his ex can't control you both this way.

It sounds like at the very least the number of trips could be reduced with a bit of cooperation.

Your current arrangement won't be sustainable when she starts school (September?) so perhaps you could use that to start the conversation.

Then your DH needs to earn more money.

I don't understand all the toing and froing either. Why don't you just have her Wednesday or Tuesday to Sunday as you virtually have her all of that time anyway?

XP doesn't have to pay to facilitate contact. Neither do you, for that matter. Your DP needs to get off his arse and sort something out, certainly consolidating some of the days so DSD isn't doing that journey twice a week would be a start. And yes, what's going to happen when she starts school?

Agree with Expat- your dh has to earn more money.
He has two dds

We have separate finances he pays most of the bills and I pay for the food, clothes and the car.

He knows I am skint and he is too! He just keeps saying that he has to see his daughter and that every weekend isn't enough.

TBF DSD doesn't actually spend 400+ miles in the car, more like half of that (I was including the miles where we drop her back at her mums to come home) but even so it's a long time to spend in a car.

I looked into the CSA rate just out of interest and it says he should be paying £7 per week.

Yes he is starting school in September and this is part of his argument.
He says he still wants to go over one night midweek and take her out for tea somewhere, so we will still be doing a lot of miles plus buying tea out which is a luxury in my eyes.

Arrrggghhhh I've told him I can't do this anymore and he is going to ask his mum to lend him some money to compensate

His mum lending him the money is not the solution. He needs to make both his children equal priorities. It seems as though his ex has the say about what goes on in your home.

You are completely right. She can come over for her own benefit though.

I feel powerless, all I know now is that I've made it clear I refuse to fund this anymore.

If his ex would only cooperate and drive a bit of the way then some of the pressure would be off

You realise that if it went to court that she would most likely have to do all the driving as she is the one that moved away....maybe you should point that out to her. My ex took me to court to drive halfway and he lost because he was the one that moved.

I seriously think your DP needs to start saying he can't afford it as your relationship will fall apart otherwise.

He is refusing to go down that route. I have pleaded and pleaded with him to see sense, he admits that she is being unreasonable but says he doesn't want to fall out with her.

It's just all going to come to a horrible climax and then DSD really will suffer!!

His ex is being a complete twat to put it bluntly. She knows that she can push and push because of his good nature.

Like you say he has two daughters and needs to treat them equally. We have no spare cash to buy her clothes. We are just very fortunate that friends have helped us out by giving us their children's old clothes

Agree with Expat- your dh has to earn more money.
He has two dds

Yes because it's that easy for people to just earn more!

Things that are easily in his power - reducing payments to CSA level and taking ex to court to get proper access arrangements.

I'll be the first to admit I don't really know much about this sort of stuff as my ex doesn't support us financially at all but why is me paying so much per week when the CSA calculator only says £7? If it's that low he can't be earning very much and if you have her 3 days out of a week then I can't see how his ex can insist the payments go up anyway!

Could he reduce the amount he pays per week and if she kicks up a fuss say that the rest is allocated for travel costs? If she wants more then she has to pay the petrol money?

camping good idea! I will suggest that to DH. Might get her arse into gear. God this is so unfair