Sat in tears . . . I can no longer be a financial crutch!

[Roundedbuttocks90]

Hello everyone.

My DH has a daughter (4) with his ex partner and we have a DD together (11 MO).

DSD used to live around a 15 minute drive from us and used to stay with us at least 4 nights a week.

Recently her mum has moved over 50 miles away an DSD now lives with her and her new BF for the majority of the week.
DH gets an adequate wage, only just enough to make ends meet and I have a cleaning job for two mornings a week and get around £40 from that. I inherited £2000 off my grandmother who died late last year and I have been dipping into that so that we could make ends meet a little more.

Anyway DH's ex has decided that because she will now be having DSD the majority of the time the maintenance has to go from £30 per week to £40 per week. DH has obliged. As well as this we are having to travel all the way to DSDs mum's house. She refuses to meet halfway and has said that she wants petrol money if she has to drive halfway!!

This means that we are driving there on a Wednesday night to collect her and take her back, then taking her back on Friday morning and driving back home THEN we pick her up Saturday morning and take her back Sunday afternoon.

This is all done in MY 1.25 02 plate Ford fiesta that i pay to insure, tax, MOT and repair. DH sometimes puts petrol in but it is usually me.

It's getting beyond a joke that's 440 miles on picking DSD up alone! We simply can't afford it anymore! It's not sustainable! I am nearly broke but DH says that he has to see his daughter! That's fine, I'm not trying to stop that as she is a lovely little girl but I just with her mother would, quite literally meet us half way!

SIL said that she had seen DSD's mum in our hometown last week because she had been to have electrolysis on her top lip. She didn't have DSD with her and tht has pissed me off.
She can drive all the way over here for her own benefit but can't drive her daughter to meet us half way.
She doesn't work and she doesn't have any more kids other than DSD.

What do you think? AIBU suggesting that DH grows a pair. We can't afford the petrol AND the maintainence. Take into consideration that we are still having DSD 3 nights a week.
We want to see DSD as much as poss but its going to be impossible if we carry on like this.

We're skint and we have another child to feed. I'm being made to feel like such a horrible cow :(

Now you've told ex you are going to get a formal agreement and go through CSA, then you need to follow through with it.

I agree with Galactus. Make sure you start to formalise it all now.

You maybe able too find it on ITV iplayer somewhere, but I think there was a lawyer on This Morning yesterday that said something about if it costs more than 10 per week to travel for contact then it can be taken into account when CSA calculate. Worth having a look.

I really hope the CSA help you to sort this out.

If I've read and understood everything properly, then the ex has totally screwed your family over.

Please call them today/tomorrow whilst all the new tax credits are being sorted out too. I reckon you're entitled to them!

Wow, your DH's ex is a nasty piece of work, winding her four year old daughter up like that.

She's shown her true colours - I would definitely go through courts.

Yes she really is. I've been completely aware that she's been screwing us over for a looooong time! When DSD lived 15 minutes away her mother only had her 2/3 nights per week. However used to send her to her grandparents for one of those nights!!

She turned round to DH this morning and told him that her behaviour had deteriorated since 'you two decided to have a kid.'

Erm, no, actually her behaviour has been deteriorating since YOU decided to leave her with everyone in sundry. The poor little lass didn't know whether she was coming or going and rarely saw her mother!! Of course it's only now that her mother has HAD to spend any length of time with her and is realising that perhaps she does has behaviour issues. Also the fact that she's been putting loads of shit in her head doesn't help either!

Arrrghhhhh she makes me mad, the car has got 3 different things wrong with it due to driving there on back roads full of pot holes. I know who I feel like sending the bill to.

She can still make the effort to come to our town when it benefits her without making any communicative effort to try and tie it in with DSDs visits (which she could easily have done)

Enough is enough and we have started the ball rolling.
I've told him that he isn't driving the car in excess of 400 miles per week anymore, she can take up some of the slack as she's getting more than enough money

Good for you, don't give up now.

Is the new 40 hours a week contract more or less hours than he does now? Because more hours without more pay is not something to celebrate .

Quite frankly I'd play bloody hardball and tell her that YOU will be drawing up the arrangements you need, and if she doesn't like it, you will be going for residency.

It's more hours itsfab for the foreseeable.

I don't think we would be able to get residency. It's my as if her mother is an alcoholic/drug user or violent (that we know of anyway).

I think we can get something formally sorted out regarding transport and maintainence though. And that's only fair!

I'm pissed off that she felt the need to mention the fact that we ha decided to have another child. If anything, having a sibling has taught DSD how to share, how to be gentle and given her someone to love!

Her behaviour has been iffy (for want of a better word) since I met DH. It's only recently that its getting a bit out of hand. Perhaps with the move and new pre school, mums new boyfriend also she's living in a completely different area with new house etc etc

Reading that back, of course her behaviour is unsettled!! She's spending more time with her mother as well which will be unusual or her

Is it more money as well?

I wouldn't communicate with her anymore. Just go the legal route. A child needs what it needs and it doesn't need less because its parent has had another child so do not like it when people try to get out of paying for one child because they had another with someone else.

I know you aren't doing that OP but there has been a suggestion he could pay a lot less as he has a child with you.

It's the travelling that is draining our finances, and that's when I do speak up to DH and remind him that we have another daughter who needs nappies on her backside and food in her belly.

I don't begrudge the maintainence, I begrudge the fact that we pay it, still have DSD 3 nights a week yet are spending a small fortune on petrol, and now, repairs :(.

I haven't worded that very well but I'm sure you'll get the gist.

DHs boss is putting him through this course later on in the year so that he will have a higher wage as its more skilled work (he's a stone mason)

I think people have been suggesting that the travelling costs should be deducted from the maintainence but like you say DSD doesn't need any less because of that.

The thing is, if DH and I are exhausting our finances on petrol and car repairs then we have no money left to spend on DSD and DD. Its a bit of a catch 22

You have been very generous but that time has been abused and now you need to get official. The ex doesn't sound like she wants the child, just the money it would bring her. I know of someone who was refused to live with her mother as the ex of her live in boyfriend said if the child moves in she would claim maintenance for her child with the boyfriend. Some people are just all about the money and not about the child. If your DSD moves in with you full time the ex will have to pay maintenance and will get nothing from you...