Sat in tears . . . I can no longer be a financial crutch!

[Roundedbuttocks90]

Hello everyone.

My DH has a daughter (4) with his ex partner and we have a DD together (11 MO).

DSD used to live around a 15 minute drive from us and used to stay with us at least 4 nights a week.

Recently her mum has moved over 50 miles away an DSD now lives with her and her new BF for the majority of the week.
DH gets an adequate wage, only just enough to make ends meet and I have a cleaning job for two mornings a week and get around £40 from that. I inherited £2000 off my grandmother who died late last year and I have been dipping into that so that we could make ends meet a little more.

Anyway DH's ex has decided that because she will now be having DSD the majority of the time the maintenance has to go from £30 per week to £40 per week. DH has obliged. As well as this we are having to travel all the way to DSDs mum's house. She refuses to meet halfway and has said that she wants petrol money if she has to drive halfway!!

This means that we are driving there on a Wednesday night to collect her and take her back, then taking her back on Friday morning and driving back home THEN we pick her up Saturday morning and take her back Sunday afternoon.

This is all done in MY 1.25 02 plate Ford fiesta that i pay to insure, tax, MOT and repair. DH sometimes puts petrol in but it is usually me.

It's getting beyond a joke that's 440 miles on picking DSD up alone! We simply can't afford it anymore! It's not sustainable! I am nearly broke but DH says that he has to see his daughter! That's fine, I'm not trying to stop that as she is a lovely little girl but I just with her mother would, quite literally meet us half way!

SIL said that she had seen DSD's mum in our hometown last week because she had been to have electrolysis on her top lip. She didn't have DSD with her and tht has pissed me off.
She can drive all the way over here for her own benefit but can't drive her daughter to meet us half way.
She doesn't work and she doesn't have any more kids other than DSD.

What do you think? AIBU suggesting that DH grows a pair. We can't afford the petrol AND the maintainence. Take into consideration that we are still having DSD 3 nights a week.
We want to see DSD as much as poss but its going to be impossible if we carry on like this.

We're skint and we have another child to feed. I'm being made to feel like such a horrible cow :(

Yes but fairylea you were travelling half way and keeping your end of the bargain. That's all tht we want. We don't want her to bring DSD all the way to us.

Some of the early comments on here have really annoyed me. Why does only Dad have to step up? As far as I am concerned both parents need to put their big boy / girl pants and put the child first. The Mum decided to move away and is not willing to do any of the travelling and that is not fair. She sounds like my friends ex who quite frankly was a grabby bitch (and yes I do know the whole story!) Sorry, rant over!

OP, your DH needs to tell her she either shares the travel or he drops maintenance to CSA levels. He has 2 children who need to be treated equally. He sounds like he is trying so hard to be a proper dad to your DSD that he has almost forgotten his other daughters needs.

Unless your DH is earning 30k per year his maintenance payments are too high. If he had the child 4 nights a week prior to the move then he was the resident parent and should've applied for the ChB and Tax Credits so technically the ex has been claiming and receiving maintenance for that time which she was not entitled to. Explain that carefully to DH and then tell him that this current situation can not be maintained.

That's interesting tortoise I didn't realise that she wasnt entitled to it. I thought it was up to the parents to decide who claimed it.

I think she will be claiming it with her new partner (he works). Hear hear ostrich I completely agree with you! Yes he does need to treat their needs equally, he seems to be so wrapped up in DSD that he barely registers that we now need to buy nappies, formula, extra food an that maybe every once in a while I would like to take her to some baby groups (she hasn't been to any yet partly due to affordability and they always seem to be on when we have DSD, I have to look after her while DP works)

Csa is 15 per cent of income.

Changed by over nights at the nrp house.

7 per week seems low.

is it worth involving Csa to save 12 a month

Csa is 15 per cent of income.

Changed by over nights at the nrp house.

7 per week seems low.

is it worth involving Csa to save 12 a month

Technically it is rounded but it's very rare for a resident parent (which your DH was) to agree to the NRP claiming the ChB, Tax Credits and to pay maintenance. I have no idea why your DH would have agreed to that but I suppose it's in the past now. If you explained this to DH then maybe it might alleviate some of the guilt he apparently feels around DSD.

Glasgow £120 a month is a fortune to some families. I would say it's well worth contacting CSA.

This isn't the point!! For the last time he isn't paying her £7 per week he is paying her £40 so the £7is irrelevant right now.

She is also always asking us to buy her new clothes, which I do, BUT I never send her back in them as we wouldn't see them again (I've made that mistake before). I buy them because they will come in for when DD is older .

We are paying her £160 per month at the moment.

The thing is if DSD sees her mum using her dad like this what are the chances that she will think its ok to guilt trip him into giving her money or buying her new things all of the time.

He has already started saying that her mums new partner is her daddy and that DH is 'daddy number 2' which has caused a lot of upset. When corrected she will then say 'well my mummy told me.'

She will only do this when she isn't getting her own way to make DH back down. It's worrying and it's only since she's started living with her mum more. Poor little girl

This doesn't directly apply to the OP's situation atm so is a bit of a thread hijack, but just to say, child benefit is more complex than how many nights you stay.

There's something called the main responsibility test that's used with CB. They look at how often the child stays but also where most of their belongings are, where they are registered at the doctors, the contact address the nursery/school has etc.

If a kid was sleeping over with their dad, say, 5 nights, but arriving late and going out of the door early (say if their mum was on nights), but spent holidays, weekends, full days in their own home, their mum's address was where the doctor and school sent letters, the mum would have main responsibility and be able to claim CB.

The CB rules aren't terribly fair but they are quite well established.

She was with us Friday night all of the way through until Monday morning and then from 11am on a Wednesday, all day Thursday and until 12pm on Friday. We had her most of the time and during school holidays we seem to have her for the duration. The holidays just gone we had her all week and she only went back on the Sunday afternoon before preschool on Monday morning. DHs ex still or the full maintenance (having said that we only did 220 miles going there an back as opposed to 440)

It does sound as though the ex is well and truly taking the piss. And your dh in turn is taking the piss out of you!

You could certainly ask CB to reassess. Unless things have changed in the last few years, that would chuck a spanner in the works of her claim and they'd stop CB while investigating. They will only look at CB going forward really. But its certainly more complex than how many nights you spend with each parent.

What's going to happen when she goes to school? That's going to mean he sees less of her, surely?

I have to say, if she's encouraging your dsd to see her new partner as her dad, if I were your partner I'd stop being nice. I'd be making sure my rights were as well laid out and straightforward as possible. I'd also be considering arguing for her to spend most nights with him, if that's doable, and possibly putting her in school locally to you and you looking after her in the week, if that's agreeable to you.

He sounds scared of what she might do, and quite uninformed about his own rights.

Look, you can rant on here as much as you like, and I totally get where you're coming from.

It's bloody unfair and the ex sounds like a pain in the ass.

You're probably 90% facilitating the contact with his daughter, not only financially, but by looking after her while he's at work.

If you weren't around he would have no choice but to cut contact drastically because he probably wouldn't be able to afford the childcare costs.

But your DH won't do anything about it. And that is the problem. So take all that anger and frustration, and direct it at him and not the ex. He is taking the piss out of you and your daughter.

(I mean pl you looking after her, btw, I don't mean just you, OP. I think you're being very decent by looking after her one morning a week)

Unless your husband puts his foot down, goes to court or just pushes for a fairer agreement, nothing is going to change. Your option, as I see it, is to let your DH know that he has to sort this out, and that you will no longer be using your car and petrol for pick ups/drop off and you wont be subsidizing him either (and that includes providing him with free childcare while he works), and then he sorts it out. If he is not willing to do that, I would be questioning whether your relationship/the situation is sustainable. Children just get more expensive.

Well he either goes to court or his is screwed and you are to by association.

If he won't sort this out you will have to protect yours and your DDs financial situation.

I'm in two minds about the childcare

I don't think its something that should be assumed. I think the OP's dp has a bloody good thing going on there and I hope he really appreciates it.

OTOH, I suppose I'm thinking it gives the two sisters some normal time together. I'm thinking its not quite like the OP is looking after dsd alone, or not working that morning because she has dsd-its actually because she has her own daughter. I guess I'm saying that I can see how the OP could not mind that too much, but if she does mind looking after dsd, then that's legitimate.

However I think another first step would be for him to either rearrange his work to see her this time, or try to get her at a different time when he's actually there.

Tell him to grow a pair. No need for you and your DC to put up with his ex's shit.

This is the thing. I don't think that he does appreciate it. For example, Sunday afternoon I did a pot of tea for DH and myself. DSD piped up that she would like a cup of milky tea. I was feeding DD at the time so DH poured her a cup of tea out. Of course he forgot to put extra milk in so poor DSD took a massive gulp and burnt her mouth. DHs response to that was 'I never get any fucking help around here,' to which I replied, 'carry on talking to me like that and ill show you what no help is!' He apologised and said that he was upset because DSD had burnt her mouth but that was his doing.

That just an example of something recent but he likes me to do as much a possible for him and DSD

He sounds like a twat

No experience of this but was going to suggest DSD lives with you and your DH and sees her mum at weekends, then I read your latest posts and feel that really your DH is taking you massively for granted. Can you go and stay with a relative or friend for a week, just you, DD, and your car? Maybe then he might realise just how much you really do for him.

What previous poster said... remove yourself, DD and your car for a week. See how he cracks on with that.