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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sat in tears . . . I can no longer be a financial crutch!

213 replies

Roundedbuttocks90 · 10/06/2014 20:46

Hello everyone.

My DH has a daughter (4) with his ex partner and we have a DD together (11 MO).

DSD used to live around a 15 minute drive from us and used to stay with us at least 4 nights a week.

Recently her mum has moved over 50 miles away an DSD now lives with her and her new BF for the majority of the week.
DH gets an adequate wage, only just enough to make ends meet and I have a cleaning job for two mornings a week and get around £40 from that. I inherited £2000 off my grandmother who died late last year and I have been dipping into that so that we could make ends meet a little more.

Anyway DH's ex has decided that because she will now be having DSD the majority of the time the maintenance has to go from £30 per week to £40 per week. DH has obliged. As well as this we are having to travel all the way to DSDs mum's house. She refuses to meet halfway and has said that she wants petrol money if she has to drive halfway!!

This means that we are driving there on a Wednesday night to collect her and take her back, then taking her back on Friday morning and driving back home THEN we pick her up Saturday morning and take her back Sunday afternoon.

This is all done in MY 1.25 02 plate Ford fiesta that i pay to insure, tax, MOT and repair. DH sometimes puts petrol in but it is usually me.

It's getting beyond a joke that's 440 miles on picking DSD up alone! We simply can't afford it anymore! It's not sustainable! I am nearly broke but DH says that he has to see his daughter! That's fine, I'm not trying to stop that as she is a lovely little girl but I just with her mother would, quite literally meet us half way!

SIL said that she had seen DSD's mum in our hometown last week because she had been to have electrolysis on her top lip. She didn't have DSD with her and tht has pissed me off.
She can drive all the way over here for her own benefit but can't drive her daughter to meet us half way.
She doesn't work and she doesn't have any more kids other than DSD.

What do you think? AIBU suggesting that DH grows a pair. We can't afford the petrol AND the maintainence. Take into consideration that we are still having DSD 3 nights a week.
We want to see DSD as much as poss but its going to be impossible if we carry on like this.

We're skint and we have another child to feed. I'm being made to feel like such a horrible cow :(

OP posts:
Fideliney · 11/06/2014 19:51

She already has kat - it said £7pw.

Original poster
Roundedbuttocks90 · 11/06/2014 20:10

five we used to have her 4/5 nights a week and we paid DHs ex £30 per week. We now have her 3 nights per week and pay £40 to DHs ex.

Thank you for your reply happy there are some sensible suggestions, all of which (apart from moving away - but drastic with no guarantee of work) I am going to discuss with DH

OP posts:
beijaflor · 11/06/2014 20:35

I'm appalled at your DH. Increased hours and pay would be wonderful, but he needs to sort out the CM amount (as has been pointed out by numerous posters, he's paying far too much) and the travel.

So HE (not you) needs to get onto the CSA about money, and into the courts about contact if that's the only thing that will work. She moved, and she will be liable for some of the travelling and costs.

He needs to understand that he is currently destroying his marriage and his relationship with his DD2. That's what 'unsustainable' means. His ex is difficult, so he expects you to make all the compromises. His DD2 is deprived of his time, energy and money while this farce continues. And of course you will both be rattier with each other, and with the children, when you are under this kind of stress. That needs to stop.

Tell him to sort his shit out, or he'll be dealing with another ex-wife.

MoominAndMiniMoom · 11/06/2014 20:50

Whatever you do, don't listen to happymummyofone. She's a well-known shit stirrer, the only suitable response when she joins a thread is 'fuck off'.

Itsfab · 11/06/2014 20:59

Your husband's ex must be laughing her head off. She doesn't deserve his good nature towards her but HE needs to stop with the "fucking no help" comments!!

RedTractorBlueTractor · 11/06/2014 21:03

Yes because it's stirring to suggest they work more to support the children they chose to have rather than cut child support to the ex

The ex should also be supporting the child also. Why shouldn't she maybe pay money to the OPs DH? Under the new CM system they would pay nothing with 50:50 care. The ex is also receiving all of the CB and credits even when they lived closer!

MN is a strange place sometimes, men get slated for not supporting their child on a split now it's actively being encouraged. The OP cant afford one child on their joint salary let alone support two and the first child who already has to contend with a split will now suffer even more.

The child may suffer more because the current situation is unsustainable and can't continue so contact may suffer/stop.

Happy why aren't you saying the same about the mother. She is taking the p* and she seems to hold the OPs DH over a barrel.

doziedoozie · 11/06/2014 21:04

Sounds like unless it suits the Ex to change things, which it might if eg she has further DCs, or her DP leaves, she holds all the cards and is going to try to alienate your DP. Probably he needs to learn to accept this and do what he can within reason (ie not the present arrangement) to see his DD and just hope things get better at some point in the future.

It doesn't even sound as if he is spending much time with her anyway as you are looking after OP, so is it worth all this hassle.

The ex will probably not become nicer. The DP need to refuse the present set up and make another offer and if ex won't be more reasonable just accept seeing less of DSD.

You never know if DP stands up to his ex she might just decide that having her DD around all the time is not that great and that she wants to have free weekends and will help facilitate this.

I doubt he will agree to this but he is allowing himself to be manipulated and it will prob just get worse.

Original poster
Roundedbuttocks90 · 11/06/2014 21:40

Ahhhh right she's notorious this 'happy' then? Always likes to go against the grain somewhat?

I feel as though nothing ever gets done unless I do it for him. He's so lax with a lot of things.

He is a devoted dad to DSD though and wants to be seen to be making an effort as well as making an effort.

OP posts:
Fideliney · 11/06/2014 21:55

The Notorious H.A.P. Wink

glasgowstevenagain · 11/06/2014 21:57

Off topic but a grown man with 2 kids needs to work full time or 2 part time jobs ....If the mum is a sahm

Original poster
Roundedbuttocks90 · 11/06/2014 22:05

You are right Glasgow. There are more hours in the pipeline for DH but they can't come quick enough (he has to go on a course and pass a test first).

I would happily work full time if DH would look after the kids I he's proud and wants to be seen as the main bread winner.

OP posts:
floraldora · 11/06/2014 22:13

So he won't look after his kids as he wants to appear to be the breadwinner? What a twat

Fideliney · 11/06/2014 22:16

He does sound mightily obsessed with how things SEEM OP

Original poster
Roundedbuttocks90 · 11/06/2014 22:20

Yes you are right. He wants to be SEEN to be giving his all. He wants people to think that he's a good dad (which he is). He worries a lot about what people think of him and mulls things over.

He can read too much into stuff and get paranoid and try to (incorrectly) second guess people's intentions, when he explains this to me it sounds like the most ridiculously far fetched thing ever but I know a lot of thought has gone into his paranoid theories.

OP posts:
Fideliney · 11/06/2014 22:25

Sounds like you more than have your hands full Sad

glasgowstevenagain · 11/06/2014 23:08

3 kids ..... your doing well .Keep it up

DickDasterdly · 11/06/2014 23:47

OP, how about getting all your finances written down in one place so you can show your DP in black and white that this situation is not sustainable.

Money Saving Expert have lots of info on doing budgets. You have to include all your expenditure. INFO HERE.
Maybe your DP just doesn't really believe how much the car journeys and child maintenance are costing as a proportion of your incomes.

doziedoozie · 12/06/2014 07:03

Perhaps there are books on good father hood that he can read.

I would feel taking DD out once through the week is not necessary if she is also staying with you several days. Does a 4 year old want to go out dining once a week? No imo. So he should also put DD's best needs first.

Being a good DF is partly being a relaxed and happy parent who gives DC their time and attention not necessarily one who is working long hours to give extra money, a happy environment is more important.

Original poster
Roundedbuttocks90 · 12/06/2014 07:48

DSD was expecting to have her tea out last night and threw a massive tantrum in the car when we told her that we were going straight home to have tea.

She took her shoes off and threw both at my head whilst DH was driving. She said that she loved DH and DD and that she doesn't want me to live with them anymore.
She screamed blue murder at me all the way home and I can only think that her mother is winding her up to do it as she is never usually like that.

OP posts:
glasgowstevenagain · 12/06/2014 08:32

Sounds terrible.

get a lawyer her visa arrange contact through courts

Sigyn · 12/06/2014 09:03

I think, honestly, he needs to get this all made as formal as possible now. Contact, money, etc.

As an example, say every weekend and £7 contribution.

Two reasons for this. First off, your dsd is about to start school, I assume, at which point it will all change again.

Second, new potential "dad" on the scene which I'm guessing is making him edgy. What if there's another move, to the opposite end of the country?

Also-your daughter is getting older and kids get more expensive as they get older.

Could you put it to him that if he doesn't sort it now, and if she IS as manipulative as he says, there is a lot of potential angst she can cause.

The "daddy 2" thing, btw, is really off but I think is going to impact on dsd a lot less long term if your partner is there, say every Friday night, to take her every single weekend, and to do that, he needs to have a sustainable solution.

Sigyn · 12/06/2014 09:06

Oh just to add. I'd get a £7 CSA contribution made formal.

He then has the ability to give her the extra money directly in kind-clothes etc-or hand her mum a bit extra some weeks.

FWIW-a meal out once a week is far from normal either. We earn enough that we get no CB, basically. We eat out once in an absolute blue moon, eg before something really special like one of the kids having a concert with their school orchestra in the town concert hall. And even then it would be Nandos.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 12/06/2014 09:14

Just popping back to say that DSD's outburst last night is probably about Daddy #2 becoming more involved. In her 4 yo brain, if he disappeared and you disappeared everything would go back to 'normal' in her wee world - try not to take it to heart.

Original poster
Roundedbuttocks90 · 12/06/2014 09:51

Know that and I completely ignore it as she is very confused. She does it every time but is fine after the first couple of hours Nd goes back to her loveable charming self again.

I think if I retaliated it would just make things worse. DH sometimes tells her off but I tell him not to as I think she is looking for a reaction

OP posts:
Ibizatime · 12/06/2014 12:08

£7 is an absolute joke