Sat in tears . . . I can no longer be a financial crutch!

[Roundedbuttocks90]

Hello everyone.

My DH has a daughter (4) with his ex partner and we have a DD together (11 MO).

DSD used to live around a 15 minute drive from us and used to stay with us at least 4 nights a week.

Recently her mum has moved over 50 miles away an DSD now lives with her and her new BF for the majority of the week.
DH gets an adequate wage, only just enough to make ends meet and I have a cleaning job for two mornings a week and get around £40 from that. I inherited £2000 off my grandmother who died late last year and I have been dipping into that so that we could make ends meet a little more.

Anyway DH's ex has decided that because she will now be having DSD the majority of the time the maintenance has to go from £30 per week to £40 per week. DH has obliged. As well as this we are having to travel all the way to DSDs mum's house. She refuses to meet halfway and has said that she wants petrol money if she has to drive halfway!!

This means that we are driving there on a Wednesday night to collect her and take her back, then taking her back on Friday morning and driving back home THEN we pick her up Saturday morning and take her back Sunday afternoon.

This is all done in MY 1.25 02 plate Ford fiesta that i pay to insure, tax, MOT and repair. DH sometimes puts petrol in but it is usually me.

It's getting beyond a joke that's 440 miles on picking DSD up alone! We simply can't afford it anymore! It's not sustainable! I am nearly broke but DH says that he has to see his daughter! That's fine, I'm not trying to stop that as she is a lovely little girl but I just with her mother would, quite literally meet us half way!

SIL said that she had seen DSD's mum in our hometown last week because she had been to have electrolysis on her top lip. She didn't have DSD with her and tht has pissed me off.
She can drive all the way over here for her own benefit but can't drive her daughter to meet us half way.
She doesn't work and she doesn't have any more kids other than DSD.

What do you think? AIBU suggesting that DH grows a pair. We can't afford the petrol AND the maintainence. Take into consideration that we are still having DSD 3 nights a week.
We want to see DSD as much as poss but its going to be impossible if we carry on like this.

We're skint and we have another child to feed. I'm being made to feel like such a horrible cow :(

I'm not sure how your DH only has to pay £7 a week that doesn't make sense. People that are on benefits have to pay £5 maintainence. It is usually 15 % of his income for one child with maybe a slight reduction as you have another child.

Babyroobs has a point. Your DP's income must be in the region of £140 a week (allowing for 3 nights overnight contact, one resident child)
www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance/y/1_child/no/140.0/1/3 (link to calculation)

Do you think his ex takes the attitude that his choice to work such part time hours is up to him?

Ah. He doesn't sound quite so awesome then, I'm afraid.

Just to check. How much of what ex is demanding is coming direct from her, and how much via your dp? Do you KNOW she is refusing to drive over to you? Do you KNOW he's asked her?

At the end of the day, dsd is his responsibility to support, not yours. It doesn't sound like he entirely gets that.

And yes, if he is on minimum wage he must be part time, around 20 hours?

And yet he's doing at least one morning when his dsd is around?

I think, yeah, if he can there's an argument for him trying to up his income. I do know its not necessarily easy, but if it were me I'd want to know he was trying flat out to do that.

I mean in the sense that you have described your DP's income as 'an adequate wage' but a lot of people but a lot of people in that position would disagree and would be desperately searching for more hours.

You are bound to be struggling on joint weekly earnings of £180. It is ridiculous to be paying more than CSA calculation from that but presumably you will both be job hunting anyway?

Would it be possible for you to move closer to where dsd is? If you moved half way there, 25 miles isn't as far to travel and dsd's mum might consider meeting you half-way of that?

I do know its not necessarily easy, but if it were me I'd want to know he was trying flat out to do that.

Me too.

She is difficult and demanding.
Maybe you should also try that since he is being very unfair to you and your DC.
He seems to respond to firm statements and requests - you give him some too.

I am not doing all this driving.
I need more cash to feed 3 of us and pay bills.
Repeat until it sinks in.

Nice that he's swearing at you in front of his children...

He has rung his ex up to try and figure something out. Here is the 'compromise' that they have come up with.

We continue to have DSD every weekend but only have her Wednesday and Thursday nights every other week. However she still wants us to come over on Wednesday night to take DSD out for her tea then drop her back at her house.

Regarding the meeting halfway, she is still refusing to drive even a bit of the way saying 'if you want to keep seeing her then you can drive here'

I would ask for exactly the same contribution as if he was providing for your DD if you split up. That would maybe make him realise how unsustainable it is?

Yes we are both trying but nothing is really going to cover childcare costs as well as everything else. I am lucky that my mum will have DD for 2 mornings a week.

I have been present when the discussions about picking DSD up and bringing her back have been happening an I know that she is doing her damnedest to be difficult.

DH keeps asking if there are any extra shifts going and his boss has said that there is but he needs to go on a course in August to be able to do the extra work (which his boss is paying for) so there are extra shifts in the pipeline

Does his ex definitely realise your situation (can't get FT hours etc)?

How is that a compromise? You will still be doing a midweek drive there and back.

Yes we have both explained the situations regarding work.

I remember when I went into labour with DD we had DSD staying with us.
The hospital is an hour and a half drive away and I was in complete agony!

We rang my DPs mum to see if she could have her but she was doing night shifts we rang his sisters with no reply we even tried my mum but she was working nights too. Her mum was absolute last resort but we had to ring her. She refused to pick DSD up and said 'its your time to have her so you have to make arrangements regarding who she stays with' this was when she lived only a couple of miles away. Anyway to cut a long story short DD was delivered in the front seat of our car, in a lay by half way to hospital with DSD in the back fast asleep!!

I lost a lot of blood and had to have surgery.

Bloody hell. You HAVE to put your foot down.

Draw a line in the sand now to prevent years of nonsense.

IF there is significant travel costs incurred during drop-offs and pick-ups, this needs to be taken into account.
The CSA make allowances for this.

Your DH needs to stop worrying about rocking the boat with his ex (hard I know, I've been there done that with DH) and get a court ordered arrangement. The ex moved away so the travel should be on her, just like it is for NRP fathers who move away. £40 per week is ridiculous as you have DSD 3 nights out of 7 never mind all the travel costs. Definitely knock the 100 mile round trip to take DSD put for dinner on the head.

You may have to take a hard line and tell DH either the situation changes or your relationship does. It sounds ott but the fact is you cannot afford this current arrangement and it won't be sustainable once DSD starts school anyway. From what you say this issue is already causing you stress and it won't be long before you snap.

Its great that your DH is want to be there for his dd but he needs to realise that pretty soon it will get to the point of your shared dd missing out/going without to facilitate this ridiculous arrangement which is absolutely not on. Its tough getting this through sometimes, it took me a long time to get DH to see similar with DSD, but it has to be done. The only thing that got through to my DH that things needed to change wrt dropping everything the moment his ex said jump was me telling him that I wouldn't let mine and out DDs life be rules by the whims of his ex and if he didn't sort it then he'd have two ex's to deal with and I was fully prepared to go to that extent.

Good point krazykat. I am getting more and more ratty with the kids. I will snap at DSD for literally nothing and I was never like that before! I'm even getting ratty with DD an she isn't really capable of doing anything bad - she's still a baby.

I've told him to ring his ex again and tell her that her 'compromise' is still ridiculous.

I think he is getting to a point where he is realising that this isn't going to get any better and that this can't continue.

DH has always maintained that he doesn't want another man bringing up his child but he feels as though that's what's happening right now, therefore his desperation to see DSD as much as poss. Especially after the 'daddy number 2' debarcle

I can see where he's coming from wrt another man raising his child but unfortunately that's what happens when parents split unless custody is 50:50. The daddy 2 needs nipping in the bud now too, my DSD was a master of manipulation at 5 when it came to DH. Its awful to say but she knew exactly how to get what she wanted until DH and I responded with a flat "no you're not having x and you'll go home when we say" this in response to DSDs assertion that we had to take her home whenever she wanted.

It all came to a head for us when DH realised his ex saw us as a cash machine and free childcare one year when DH had a few days off over half term and his ex asked us to have DSD midweek, then two days later we got "oh you don't need to have DSD anymore as I'm not going out now". It opened my DH eyes and he stopped jumping as soon as his ex wanted something. I think your DH needs something drastic to make him see that your situation can't carry on.

Its hard taking the hard line as sometimes we missed out on seeing DSD but it was the only way to stop us having our lives ruled by his ex.

Could you do as pp have said and go stay with someone for a week with your dd and the car and make him see how much you're doing?

Either that or start making demands like his ex is doing to make him see that he has to stop doing whatever she wants.

Its a good thing e wants to do whatever he has to in order to see his dd but it shouldn't be at the expense of time and money which should go to your shared dd, not saying money should be taken from DSD for your dd but equally money that could be spent on activities/clothes etc. for your dd shouldn't be spent on petrol to take DSD out for dinner one night then pick her up two days later for weekend contact.

A compromise would be for you to have DSD from Friday night to Sunday night every week and half holidays instead of 100 mile round trip for dinner and constant pick up, drop off, pick up, drop off every week.

The daddy number 2 needs to stop but £40 a week CM doesn't seem OTT.

You chose to have another child, why should the first one miss out due to that? £180 earnings a week between the two of you is hardly anything so it'd unsurprising it won't stretch far between two adults and two children.

You are a couple with a child, costs are supposed to be shared and given you only work a tiny amount of hours you're hugely reliant on him and the state yet begrudge him supporting his first child.

You realise that if it went to court that she would most likely have to do all the driving as she is the one that moved away....maybe you should point that out to her. My ex took me to court to drive halfway and he lost because he was the one that moved

My ex tried it when I moved, he lost

For a family to keep a home a car and all that petrol on under 10 grand a year is amazing.

Give great her 2k. 20 percent of your family income is too much

Giving her

Who gets the tax credits, child benefit, housing benefit etc etc OP? You or DP?

Happy, the OP has not said she begrudges her DH supporting his first child. She has gone above and beyond what a hell of a lot of people would to ensure contact continues so stop being nasty. Has it occured to you that the other parent may be less than a saint???