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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sat in tears . . . I can no longer be a financial crutch!

213 replies

Roundedbuttocks90 · 10/06/2014 20:46

Hello everyone.

My DH has a daughter (4) with his ex partner and we have a DD together (11 MO).

DSD used to live around a 15 minute drive from us and used to stay with us at least 4 nights a week.

Recently her mum has moved over 50 miles away an DSD now lives with her and her new BF for the majority of the week.
DH gets an adequate wage, only just enough to make ends meet and I have a cleaning job for two mornings a week and get around £40 from that. I inherited £2000 off my grandmother who died late last year and I have been dipping into that so that we could make ends meet a little more.

Anyway DH's ex has decided that because she will now be having DSD the majority of the time the maintenance has to go from £30 per week to £40 per week. DH has obliged. As well as this we are having to travel all the way to DSDs mum's house. She refuses to meet halfway and has said that she wants petrol money if she has to drive halfway!!

This means that we are driving there on a Wednesday night to collect her and take her back, then taking her back on Friday morning and driving back home THEN we pick her up Saturday morning and take her back Sunday afternoon.

This is all done in MY 1.25 02 plate Ford fiesta that i pay to insure, tax, MOT and repair. DH sometimes puts petrol in but it is usually me.

It's getting beyond a joke that's 440 miles on picking DSD up alone! We simply can't afford it anymore! It's not sustainable! I am nearly broke but DH says that he has to see his daughter! That's fine, I'm not trying to stop that as she is a lovely little girl but I just with her mother would, quite literally meet us half way!

SIL said that she had seen DSD's mum in our hometown last week because she had been to have electrolysis on her top lip. She didn't have DSD with her and tht has pissed me off.
She can drive all the way over here for her own benefit but can't drive her daughter to meet us half way.
She doesn't work and she doesn't have any more kids other than DSD.

What do you think? AIBU suggesting that DH grows a pair. We can't afford the petrol AND the maintainence. Take into consideration that we are still having DSD 3 nights a week.
We want to see DSD as much as poss but its going to be impossible if we carry on like this.

We're skint and we have another child to feed. I'm being made to feel like such a horrible cow :(

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 10/06/2014 21:48

You need to stop focusing on her tbh. It won't change anything and it won't make you feel better. She is perfectly entitled to go where she wants and as I said above its not her job to facilitate contact. Yes, moving 50 miles away hasnt made contact easy but she obviously knew P would suck it up - which he has. She may not be very nice, she may not be making your life very easy, but she doesn't have to...

Original poster
Roundedbuttocks90 · 10/06/2014 21:52

As though he is doing DSD a disservice if he lowers the maintenance that she gets.

My dad and DH are absolute poles apart. We never got a penny off my dad! We were lucky if we got a birthday card. I've just read this back and it just sounds even more ridiculous now that I've typed it all out.

I feel asthough I am stuck inbetween a rock and a hard place

OP posts:
Original poster
Roundedbuttocks90 · 10/06/2014 21:55

wilson I think that you are right but this is pushing us to the limit financially. We have another child to think of! This isn't a case of 'oh she's being a pain in the arse but we can afford her demands' because we can't.

OP posts:
Wantsunshine · 10/06/2014 22:01

Can your husband do anything to get more hours or move jobs for an increase in wage or is there any reason you can't do more than 2 mornings a week working to improve your lives so what his ex does does not impact you so much.

Lauren83 · 10/06/2014 22:02

We have a similar situ at the mo. DP is doing a 3 hours trip to collect his DD and 3 hours back the day after and paying over £300 in CSA so I'm having to pay more for bills/food when I'm in a lot of debt already, and hopefully we will have a baby soon too, not an ideal situ and I can see why you are frustrated

She tells the csa he doesn't see her so she gets max payments and he won't speak up for fear of rocking the boat

Babyroobs · 10/06/2014 22:02

I'm not sure how your DH only has to pay £7 a week that doesn't make sense. People that are on benefits have to pay £5 maintainence. It is usually 15 % of his income for one child with maybe a slight reduction as you have another child.

Andro · 10/06/2014 22:07

Babyroobs - There'll be a significant reduction made by CSA for him having 3 overnights.

Original poster
Roundedbuttocks90 · 10/06/2014 22:10

Maybe because we have her 3 nights a week as well babyroobs and he pays her £40 per week so that isn't relevant really.

Frustrating isn't it lauren?

He is trying to get more hours but really struggling. I am only able to work two mornings as my mum can only look after DD two mornings a week and we can't afford child care. Plus I have to look after DSD and DD on Thursdays, Saturdays and Sundays.

OP posts:
extremepie · 10/06/2014 22:12

Thing is op, he's not denying her the money he's just redirecting it so he can afford to see his daughter - it sucks though, there's no definitive easy answer. Sounds like she is BU on purpose to make life difficult :(

Original poster
Roundedbuttocks90 · 10/06/2014 22:16

She has completely used and abused DH. He's a good man and I'm just praying that her attitude doesn't rub off on DSD as she is lovely at the moment.

DH needs to step up and realise that he can't continue this

OP posts:
ScrambledEggAndToast · 10/06/2014 22:25

Is your arrangement through the CSA? If the rules are still the same as when I worked there, I left in 2008, then maintenance should be worked out like this:

Take his net pay, knock off 15% for your daughter. Then what is left work out 15% of that. Then because you have her 3 nights per week, you can knock off 3/7. You may find he is paying too much maintenance.

As for the travel arrangement DSD mother is definitely being unreasonable and as you say, you DH needs to grow a pair and tell her you have to meet half way.

Original poster
Roundedbuttocks90 · 10/06/2014 22:33

This is their arrangement. He didn't want to go to the csa. Stupid man!!

OP posts:
floraldora · 10/06/2014 22:49

Sounds like your DH needs to grow a backbone and start to give you and your DD a bit of consideration too. He is basically expecting you to subsidise his ex's demands rather than stand up to her or renegotiate with her.

It sounds as though custody of his DD is almost 50:50 between him and his ex, so why should he be paying much maintenance when he has his DD for equal amounts of time to his ex? There is onus on the mother to support a child as well as the father.

Gen35 · 10/06/2014 23:18

I think you both need to come up with a better financial plan, as well as going through and making sure that dh isn't paying over the odds. If you're borrowing money, that's not sustainable.

Iswallowedawatermelon · 10/06/2014 23:34

That is rediculous.

Tell dh he either has to cut back on the cs payments or cut back on the driving (meaning he will see dd less). He has to choose.

Eating tea out also has to stop. That does soud like too much of a luxury at this stage in your lives.

Stop dipping into your grandmothers inheritance. It sounds as if your dd will be needing this money and I think your gm would prefer for it to be used on her gd rather than propping up your dh's poor choices and inability to be assertive. Once this money is gone what will you do then? Hmm

43percentburnt · 11/06/2014 06:28

You say you earn £40 per week plus child benefit presumably but you pay food, clothes and the car. That seems a raw deal for you. Have you worked out how much you pay? Vs what he pays on bills.

Food, car insurance, petrol, mot, tax etc and clothes in our house is more than our mortgage, gas, elec, phones, water and council tax. If you add in life insurance, building and contents then the bills come to more.

Think you need to show the ex the Csa calculator printout and advise that this is what you will be paying now. Back this up with an email. Make sure the payment is made electronically via standing order for example. It would be hard for her to argue that he should pay more.

But I would reassess your family budget to ensure you are not skint dipping into savings whilst your dp has disposable income.

possiblyprecious · 11/06/2014 06:45

Can you work out what is needed each week for your share of the bills - food, clothes, and LOCAL car use - and don't pay extra? You shouldn't have to be paying for his travel to pick up DSD or for them to eat out - he should. And do you have to go on a Wednesday evening? Let him go, then he has to pay for dinner, and leave the petrol tank low so that he has to fill it up.

He and his ex are financially abusing you, don't let them.

Sigyn · 11/06/2014 06:45

Oh dear.

There's a great thing here. He's clearly a good and caring dad. He might not be acting rationally and logically, he might be jumping every time his ex asks him to, but he's clearly determined to keep contact with his daughter and I think that's great.

At the same time, this obviously needs sorting out. I agree that you need to sort out the access so that you're having her continuously, and you need to take the petrol off the maintenance, for a start.

Sigyn · 11/06/2014 06:47

I think you do also need to look at how fair this is between your kids

Does your own daughter get to have tea out?

Probably not, I'm guessing.

mimishimmi · 11/06/2014 07:20

You will have to cut down on contact time surely? Isn't the norm every second weekend? I don't think the ex is being a twunt by refusing to drive halfway... It's up to your partner to pick up for contact time. That said, maybe you could come to an arrangement where DP or his ex will pick up and the other will drop off?

Sigyn · 11/06/2014 07:42

It seems to me that realistically, your family is going to run out of money-even if dp borrows from his mum-and at that point, he won't be able to afford contact.

Its all very well saying that he doesn't want his daughter to see any animosity between her parents. But the reality is, I'm guessing, that this arrangement is only sustainable anyway because you are subsidising it and if that comes to an end, he won't be able to afford contact.

Would he rather not see his daughter? Because that seems like the inevitable thing in the end.

Sigyn · 11/06/2014 07:43

And fwiw I do think its marvelous that he's prepared to do the drive and do to such lengths to maintain contact.

Fairylea · 11/06/2014 07:55

He needs to pay less. You simply can't afford the current arrangements and if he is paying more than the csa suggest plus loads for petrol then something needs to give.

I moved 130 miles away from my ex. We used to do every other weekend, half and half travelling. He used to come down on the train on Friday and pick her up and bring her back with him and I'd do the reverse on Sunday (neither of us drove at the time). When I did learn to drive it just became driving instead.

We went to court about it at one point because he was saying it was too much but the court said because by then that was the way it had been for a long time they were prepared to keep it that way. So the status quo was preserved. They don't always favour the parent who stayed and go against the one who moves away as someone else said upthread.

It's difficult for all involved. I've done this now for 10 years since we split up and then a year ago he decided to move to the USA so now he has her for half the summer holidays in America and comes to get her and brings her back with him etc.

In my defence to move so far away in the first place when I first moved he couldn't even be bothered to see her once a week (!) So I didn't even think he would be bothered and I actually moved closer to his mum who I did have a good relationship with so he could see dd there (which he did and gradually built up contact).

The simple thing with your situation is you can't afford it. So something has to give. And borrowing from his mum isn't right at all to sort it out.

Original poster
Roundedbuttocks90 · 11/06/2014 08:00

Yes it's very commendable of him. But not sustainable. mimi DHs exp is being completely unreasonable and taking the piss to be quite frank with you. She is getting £40 maintenance per week and refusing to drive even a bit of the way to meet us, however when she was coming to our neck of the woods, didn't bother to get in touch and say 'I'm coming down this morning do you want me to bring DSD to yours' no, she made us go and collect her on the night!!!

It's spiteful and a complete and utter piss take. She chose to move over 50 miles away! We offered to have DSD during the week and then she could have her weekends, but of course the child tax credits, maintenance and child benefit would stop if we had her that much and she's got DH exactly where she wants him

OP posts:
Sigyn · 11/06/2014 08:04

FWIW with all its many faults the CSA calculations are worked out with some thought to them. Hmm .

Is he afraid that if he goes via the CSA route she'll make life even harder?

I truly applaud men who go to such lengths to stay in contact-but he does have another kid, and he's basically doing this by using your income.