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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sat in tears . . . I can no longer be a financial crutch!

213 replies

Roundedbuttocks90 · 10/06/2014 20:46

Hello everyone.

My DH has a daughter (4) with his ex partner and we have a DD together (11 MO).

DSD used to live around a 15 minute drive from us and used to stay with us at least 4 nights a week.

Recently her mum has moved over 50 miles away an DSD now lives with her and her new BF for the majority of the week.
DH gets an adequate wage, only just enough to make ends meet and I have a cleaning job for two mornings a week and get around £40 from that. I inherited £2000 off my grandmother who died late last year and I have been dipping into that so that we could make ends meet a little more.

Anyway DH's ex has decided that because she will now be having DSD the majority of the time the maintenance has to go from £30 per week to £40 per week. DH has obliged. As well as this we are having to travel all the way to DSDs mum's house. She refuses to meet halfway and has said that she wants petrol money if she has to drive halfway!!

This means that we are driving there on a Wednesday night to collect her and take her back, then taking her back on Friday morning and driving back home THEN we pick her up Saturday morning and take her back Sunday afternoon.

This is all done in MY 1.25 02 plate Ford fiesta that i pay to insure, tax, MOT and repair. DH sometimes puts petrol in but it is usually me.

It's getting beyond a joke that's 440 miles on picking DSD up alone! We simply can't afford it anymore! It's not sustainable! I am nearly broke but DH says that he has to see his daughter! That's fine, I'm not trying to stop that as she is a lovely little girl but I just with her mother would, quite literally meet us half way!

SIL said that she had seen DSD's mum in our hometown last week because she had been to have electrolysis on her top lip. She didn't have DSD with her and tht has pissed me off.
She can drive all the way over here for her own benefit but can't drive her daughter to meet us half way.
She doesn't work and she doesn't have any more kids other than DSD.

What do you think? AIBU suggesting that DH grows a pair. We can't afford the petrol AND the maintainence. Take into consideration that we are still having DSD 3 nights a week.
We want to see DSD as much as poss but its going to be impossible if we carry on like this.

We're skint and we have another child to feed. I'm being made to feel like such a horrible cow :(

OP posts:
RedTractorBlueTractor · 11/06/2014 18:24

*The daddy number 2 needs to stop but £40 a week CM doesn't seem OTT.

You chose to have another child, why should the first one miss out due to that? £180 earnings a week between the two of you is hardly anything so it'd unsurprising it won't stretch far between two adults and two children.

You are a couple with a child, costs are supposed to be shared and given you only work a tiny amount of hours you're hugely reliant on him and the state yet begrudge him supporting his first child.*

Happy, the OP has not said she begrudge it, just that DH ex isn't being 'fair' and tbh I agree with her.

Not all women are saints you know and some do take the p*

TheresAlwaysLegoInMyPocket · 11/06/2014 18:25

HappyMummyofOne When the Dsd is spending half the week at the OP's, it is debatable whether they should be paying any maintenance at all.

RedTractorBlueTractor · 11/06/2014 18:25

Bold doesn't seem to work. Sorry Sad

RedTractorBlueTractor · 11/06/2014 18:26

HappyMummyofOne When the Dsd is spending half the week at the OP's, it is debatable whether they should be paying any maintenance at all.

Exactly. Under the new CM system they may very well not have to.

Fideliney · 11/06/2014 18:28

Happy has her enormous wooden spoon out again then? Yawn.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 11/06/2014 18:31

I'd remove a vital component of the car for a few weeks on the quiet or bung a mechanic a couple of beers to do it for you. That should force the issue if the ex has social plans on a weekend.

Fideliney · 11/06/2014 18:43

Blimey Tread that's very down to earth for a Yeats lover.

Besides won't it just mean OP is then stuck in a house with a fretful DP?

HappyMummyOfOne · 11/06/2014 18:54

Yes because it's stirring to suggest they work more to support the children they chose to have rather than cut child support to the ex Hmm

MN is a strange place sometimes, men get slated for not supporting their child on a split now it's actively being encouraged. The OP cant afford one child on their joint salary let alone support two and the first child who already has to contend with a split will now suffer even more.

Fideliney · 11/06/2014 18:59

What you actually said Happy was £40 a week CM doesn't seem OTT.

In the same post you also (confusingly) said £180 earnings a week between the two of you is hardly anything so it'd unsurprising it won't stretch far between two adults and two children.

Not exactly constructive.

HappyMummyOfOne · 11/06/2014 19:06

Oh I'm sorry, should I have said of course stop paying and travelling as children don't need child support just love so working a few hours a week isn't a problem at all Hmm

Original poster
Roundedbuttocks90 · 11/06/2014 19:09

I don't begrudge him supporting his first child! Talk about twisting why I'm saying!

I'm mad about the fact that we are doing all of the travelling even though it was DHs ex who moved away.

Yes it's ridiculous. And unsustainable. We are only managing because I saved a lot of money before DD was born! I am not dependent on DH. If I was dependent on him then why am I having to support him financially. I have always paid my way and always will

OP posts:
Original poster
Roundedbuttocks90 · 11/06/2014 19:11

We are trying to avoid DSD suffering!! DHs ex can keep the £40 that's not the problem, its the 400 miles+ we are having to travel!

OP posts:
Fideliney · 11/06/2014 19:13

I made the point myself waaay upthread that increased hours and pay is the ideal solution. In the meantime (which is what the thread is dealing with, after all) only an innumerate would think that paying £40pw CM plus unusually high travel costs from £140PW wages made financial sense or was in line with usual UK family law.

Are you not going to comment on the child's unemployed mother Happy? That's not like you.

Original poster
Roundedbuttocks90 · 11/06/2014 19:14

What do I do then? Work more hours and leave my 11 MO at home on her own? We can't afford child care

OP posts:
glasgowstevenagain · 11/06/2014 19:17

Dad is part time, you work full time, dad covers child care for both

Fideliney · 11/06/2014 19:18

Rounded I wasn't having a go at you.

FWIW if you saw a solicitor (which isnt worth the fees in your current situation, but IF you did) they would tell your DP to drop CM to £7pw until his wages increased and concentrate on making sure you can cover the costs of contact.

I don't see how you can afford both.

Original poster
Roundedbuttocks90 · 11/06/2014 19:19

My partner gets tax credits and I get CB. We don't get any housing benefit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roundedbuttocks90 · 11/06/2014 19:21

Sorry fideliney I hadn't seen your post so that wasnt aimed at you. It was aimed at happy

OP posts:
Fideliney · 11/06/2014 19:25

glasgow's idea isn't bad, but your big problem is that your DP isn't making any sense.

Do you have a budget? HOW does he think you can afford to do it all?

What would happen if contact just stopped? Does ex rely on it for me time?

erin99 · 11/06/2014 19:31

But if SD is 4 isn't she about to start school in 2.5 months? Have you agreed a plan for that? The 440 miles will reduce then surely. I would use your energy negotiating for the next few years, not 2.5 months.

£40 and all petrol etc sounds way too much of your income. YANBU.

HappyMummyOfOne · 11/06/2014 19:35

Of course the mother should work but the father would still have to pay CM anyway.

Childcare is expensive but it's not like it comes as a great surprise. A quick google gives you the cost in minutes. You can work hours around each other if need be, claim vouchers via employers or given you claim tax credits it's likely you would get some assistance.

£40 a week salary isn't self supporting (doesn't matter whose account the tax credits go into it's still a joint benefit claim) nor are you supporting your partner as his earnings are more.

You could always move closer, that way travelling costs are greatly reduced and you may find full time work in the new area.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 11/06/2014 19:40

You have her five nights a week and you still pay her £40 a week?

crazykat · 11/06/2014 19:48

Why should op have to move closer to her DHs ex? Even if they did, which would cost a small fortune and no guarantee of work and op would lose the help of her mum, then what's to stop the ex moving somewhere else?

The ex moved the child away from their other parent so should meet half way at the very least. When the NRP - usually the dad - moves away from the child then the general consensus on here is that they have do do all the travel for contact. Why is it only the dad who has to sort travel?

Yes the op and her DH need more money coming in but they are also paying far too much maintenance. Op, go on the CSA calculator, put in your DH wage and number of nights you have DSD and see what you should be paying and then pay that. Then sort out what contact will be once DSD starts school but state that midweek contact will not be happening as they are too far away. If it was 20 minutes that would be different but a 100 mile round trip for the sake of two hours is ridiculous.

crazykat · 11/06/2014 19:51

Plus if you and/or DH get full time work then you'll likely be working during the week anyway.

Wrt childcare costs you can get help towards this from tax credits with up to 70% paid which daft as it seems you could end up getting more in tax credits if you work more hours due to the childcare element.

ThePinkOcelot · 11/06/2014 19:51

Rounded, don't take any notice of Happy! For some reason she likes stirring up threads!

TBH, I would be telling your DH to sort this out or fuck off. This situation is just not sustainable! He is being taken for a ride by his ex and in turn is taking you and your dd for a ride!!