Sat in tears . . . I can no longer be a financial crutch!

[Roundedbuttocks90]

Hello everyone.

My DH has a daughter (4) with his ex partner and we have a DD together (11 MO).

DSD used to live around a 15 minute drive from us and used to stay with us at least 4 nights a week.

Recently her mum has moved over 50 miles away an DSD now lives with her and her new BF for the majority of the week.
DH gets an adequate wage, only just enough to make ends meet and I have a cleaning job for two mornings a week and get around £40 from that. I inherited £2000 off my grandmother who died late last year and I have been dipping into that so that we could make ends meet a little more.

Anyway DH's ex has decided that because she will now be having DSD the majority of the time the maintenance has to go from £30 per week to £40 per week. DH has obliged. As well as this we are having to travel all the way to DSDs mum's house. She refuses to meet halfway and has said that she wants petrol money if she has to drive halfway!!

This means that we are driving there on a Wednesday night to collect her and take her back, then taking her back on Friday morning and driving back home THEN we pick her up Saturday morning and take her back Sunday afternoon.

This is all done in MY 1.25 02 plate Ford fiesta that i pay to insure, tax, MOT and repair. DH sometimes puts petrol in but it is usually me.

It's getting beyond a joke that's 440 miles on picking DSD up alone! We simply can't afford it anymore! It's not sustainable! I am nearly broke but DH says that he has to see his daughter! That's fine, I'm not trying to stop that as she is a lovely little girl but I just with her mother would, quite literally meet us half way!

SIL said that she had seen DSD's mum in our hometown last week because she had been to have electrolysis on her top lip. She didn't have DSD with her and tht has pissed me off.
She can drive all the way over here for her own benefit but can't drive her daughter to meet us half way.
She doesn't work and she doesn't have any more kids other than DSD.

What do you think? AIBU suggesting that DH grows a pair. We can't afford the petrol AND the maintainence. Take into consideration that we are still having DSD 3 nights a week.
We want to see DSD as much as poss but its going to be impossible if we carry on like this.

We're skint and we have another child to feed. I'm being made to feel like such a horrible cow :(

If he refuses to do either then yes, you are a financial crutch

So NO YANBU to be a financial cructch but unless you stop subbing his income with your savings then you will continue to do so.

Your savings are essentially supporting his ex partners life style

I know nothing about the legalities of these situations, is there any chance the DH could go to court and get custody? Then his ex could travel when she wanted to see her child, which by the sound of things wouldn't be very often.

Course he could.

he is her dad, but the parent with care would not normally lose it just because - especially once she is settled in a school.... and the time these things take to get to court.....

Exactly Glasgow. It's not as if she's an alcoholic, drug taker And leaves drug paraphernalia scattered around the house. There are worse mothers than her, much, much worse!

I would involve csa though.

Just say you want money done formally

And the plot thickens. DH told his ex that he was goin to meet her 8 miles away from her house to pick DSD up. He also said that he needed her to be there for 7:45am as I needed the car as well due to my days changing at work.

Of course DHs ex turns up half an hour late and as a result I'm 20 minutes late for work! Grrrrrrrrrr! Luckily my boss is great and she understood. DHs mistake was telling her that I needed the car to get to work on time. I know that 7:45 is pretty early o be out of the house with a child but he wakes up between 5-5:30am, every morning, without fail! I think that 2 hours is adequate to get dressed, fed and leave the house.

She wasnt happy about having to drive 8 miles (no where near halfway but better than nothing!) but that was her response when DH suggested her dropping DSD off at ours and us taking her back. Don get me wrong, her wanting her 'me time' is still our leverage. What goes around comes around!

I suggested instead of going out for a meal midweek, that instead we took a picnic. It's cheaper and it gets the kids out in the fresh air. It also means that we don't have to drive miles to the nearest pub near DSDs mums house as there is a play park with picnic benches a mile away.
DH told his ex about the picnic plan and he said she was very 'funny' with him and said 'the novelty of taking your eldest child out for her dinner has worn off now then? Are you too busy taking your wife and other daughter out during the week?' What the fuck does she think we are?? Money machines? My mum is able to look after DD 2 full days a week as well as the two mornings she already does. This is due to ill health (she has arthritis) so my boss has offered me two extra 8 hour days, which, of course I have taken with both hands

She sounds very unpleasant.

I'm coming to that conclusion.

Sorry my DM has asked for less hours due to arthritis so she has offered to look after DD. didn't make myself clear there

This is not about your dh earning more money

Op I think your dh needs to grow done balls and get down to a solicitor otherwise this woman will be running your

Now it definitely sounds like she is being bitter and spiteful!

Woman is playing games, but I guess you already know that OP

She is. Was so angry today. I've never been late for a days work in my life! Unlike her who has never even had a job!

I'm glad you have extra work but you really need to protect the extra income for yourself and your daughter.

Ensure you tell your dh that this money is not to be used for transport costs for dsd or for the excessively high cs payments.

You paying for the extra transport costs and the high (unnessarary) child support payments is completely unsustainable.

Have you done a household yet so he can see how much of a % of household income the transport and cs are costing you?

What do you get out of this relationship, OP?
How long have you been married?
You seem very,very unhappy :(

I don't know how court orders work re access, but I do know that CSA calculate 15% of your earnings, then take of 1/7th for every overnight stay dsd has with you. They will also take into account the fact that your DH is responsible for another child now, and reduce payments accordingly.
Whilst I understand happymummy for what she said, you certainly do make it look like the ex is ripping you off and taking the piss, esp with not returning new clothes you buy.

Please don't compare your DH with your dad - if your dad was useless. DH is trying his best, it seems, you must love him for the way he loves his DDs, I think it is a very attractive quality in a man.

If my DP had a child he cared nothing for, that would sour my opinion of him, so it is good that he loves both DDs and wants to support them both.

Your idea of a picnic sounds brilliant! :) Ignore the snidey comments from ex.

How long has ex been with her DP? Did she leave your DP for him? Do you think it might be him pulling her strings somewhat?

If you and your partner don't share finances and you have savings you are eating into (I'm a bit confused about this bit, as first you said you had £20k inheritance, then you said you had no savings and neither did DP, then you said you had saved up before DD was born) then STOP!
You are right to stop funding this silly running around, and let your DP step up and sort himself out instead of you keep doing all the organising, running round, and paying for everything! See what happens when you take a small step back. YOU shouldn't be the one sat in tears about this.
((hugs))

I hope things work out for you, realistically it all needs sorting before September.

Good luck :) x

take off shame!

I thought the inheritance was only £2000, which won't last long.
DPs ex is being very unreasonable and using his concern for his DD against him.
If things don't change you do need to involve CSA and put things on a formal basis.
Do you think she would be vindictive enough to try to stop contact if you did this?
And to the people earlier on who were saying DP needs to earn more-if only it were that easy to find well-payed employment - do they think he's earning a low wage on purpose.
I think your situation is very difficult

Yes the inheritance was only £2000 which is not much as it is the only 'emergency' money op has access to. What would happen if something happens to her car for instance (her dh doesn't have one) and she has used all the inheritance money?

It is Rediculous that she has been dipping into this inheritance money to prop up her dh and his visits/child support payments, especially since he is paying a lot more than the csa would make him

I know he has a course coming up that will lead to more work, but if things don't work out there, he should give serious thought to being a SAHP.

The more time he spends with his dd the stronger their bond will be (both his dd's actually), and it would strengthen his position in any future court case.

I would put tho one straight to court and the CSa for a clear statement of what happens. Before this driving becomes status quo and can't be changed.

It is also stability for your dsc who will know then exactly when daddy comes each week and ca get used to the routine. It means if her mummy starts telling get you are going out for tea etc her daddy can say, no you know that's a silly idea on x day we do y. Say a Friday is swimming day or whatever your routine is.

A man who cannot afford to clothe one DD but will willingly pay extra for the other is not a good father. Does he not realise his actions may cost him his relationship with you?

You need to get him to wake up and stop being a doormat

Or leave

After a bad morning with the car refusing to start (starter motor) and DHs ex bing her usual, helpful self saying, 'well you will have to get her back somehow, she has pre school in the morning!'

Genuinely can't believe the audacity! Anyway DHs brother very kindly lent him his pick up so that DH could take DSD back.
DH was very wound up about this comment but held back on the phone (he's a face to face person. He said that she can't hang up on him if he tells her what he thinks of her when he drops DSD off)

Anyway he got her dropped off and DHs ex made a comment, somewhere along the lines of 'you're going to have to work around me a bit more.' He pointed out to her that myself and himself work, whilst she doesn't. He pointed out that we had wanted DSD to live with us and visit her DM every or every other weekend, which she refused
. He pointed out that she decided to move over 50 miles away. He has always paid her and never let DSD down.to which she called me an 'irresponsible, heartless mother,' for working two mornings a week to try and support my family because she is sucking our finances out of us.

DH also said that she needed to communicate with us when she was coming down this neck of the woods as she's been at least 4 times to see her family etc in the past two weeks. It would just make sense for her to drop DSD off with us on her way back home, (we've seen her car drive past as her family live in the next village along) so much for her 'you need to work around me comment'

Anyway, DH has told her that if she doesn't start pulling her weight re travel arrangements then he is going to get a formal agreement/court order sorted out so that every thing has to be done to the word. He said tht she backed down after he told her what he was thinking. I wonder why?

Anyway his boss rang when he got home to say tht they had been contracted to do a big job!! He can offer him 40+ hours per week, albeit on the same wage, and he will still send him on this course later on in the summer :)

Today has been a good day. So proud of DH for growing a pair

YY to the more money and extra hours -

He can offer him 40+ hours per week, albeit on the same wage, and he will still send him on this course later on in the summer

But as a glass half empty type person - when the big job runs out he will back to his low hours - and still his low rate of pay - as I said above -

*If he passes his course - sorry to be the bringer of doom - but what if he does not

also, has his boss given him a written contract stating that he will get more hours and a higher rate of pay if he passes his course!*

He will be back to low hours - and low wage

When he is working full time who will do the midweek pick up and drop off

We have had words with his ex and told her that I she wants to play games and be awkward then we will have a formal agreement that both parties have to adhere to.

We also said that we would go through the CSA regarding maintainence and put it to her that she would be receiving one hell of a lot less than she is at the moment.

He also said that the £60+ to fuel the car per week and repairs on top of that I the cost that could and should be shared to an extent and money that he could be spending on DSD.

She said that she would try and meet us halfway but she has 'friends' that she sees a lot of mornings and 'places to be,' which, funnily enough don't include a place of work.

We picked DSD up last night and had a picnic. She refused to eat anything and threw her food everywhere because 'mummy said we were going to the pub and I want some chips.' We had the whole I love daddy, I love baby sister but I don't love you again. I don't react to it because I can't help but think its been put in her head.

And when we picked DSD up last night, beforehand DH specified that we were going for a picnic. DSD had chicken curry all round her mouth. Her mum said that she forgot we were coming for her yet had still wound DSD up into thinking we were going to the pub.