Sat in tears . . . I can no longer be a financial crutch!

[Roundedbuttocks90]

Hello everyone.

My DH has a daughter (4) with his ex partner and we have a DD together (11 MO).

DSD used to live around a 15 minute drive from us and used to stay with us at least 4 nights a week.

Recently her mum has moved over 50 miles away an DSD now lives with her and her new BF for the majority of the week.
DH gets an adequate wage, only just enough to make ends meet and I have a cleaning job for two mornings a week and get around £40 from that. I inherited £2000 off my grandmother who died late last year and I have been dipping into that so that we could make ends meet a little more.

Anyway DH's ex has decided that because she will now be having DSD the majority of the time the maintenance has to go from £30 per week to £40 per week. DH has obliged. As well as this we are having to travel all the way to DSDs mum's house. She refuses to meet halfway and has said that she wants petrol money if she has to drive halfway!!

This means that we are driving there on a Wednesday night to collect her and take her back, then taking her back on Friday morning and driving back home THEN we pick her up Saturday morning and take her back Sunday afternoon.

This is all done in MY 1.25 02 plate Ford fiesta that i pay to insure, tax, MOT and repair. DH sometimes puts petrol in but it is usually me.

It's getting beyond a joke that's 440 miles on picking DSD up alone! We simply can't afford it anymore! It's not sustainable! I am nearly broke but DH says that he has to see his daughter! That's fine, I'm not trying to stop that as she is a lovely little girl but I just with her mother would, quite literally meet us half way!

SIL said that she had seen DSD's mum in our hometown last week because she had been to have electrolysis on her top lip. She didn't have DSD with her and tht has pissed me off.
She can drive all the way over here for her own benefit but can't drive her daughter to meet us half way.
She doesn't work and she doesn't have any more kids other than DSD.

What do you think? AIBU suggesting that DH grows a pair. We can't afford the petrol AND the maintainence. Take into consideration that we are still having DSD 3 nights a week.
We want to see DSD as much as poss but its going to be impossible if we carry on like this.

We're skint and we have another child to feed. I'm being made to feel like such a horrible cow :(

For the last bloody time he pays £40 and would never dream of paying as little as £7!!

£7 is an absolute joke

Why!? They have shared care and the ex gets the CB and CTC, moved away but still expects the OPs DH (or the OP) to do the running around.

Heh Heh Fideliney, my user name is just about the only whimsical thing about me.

Sabotaging the car for a bit was suggested as it would force the Ex to do all the drop offs OR have her daughter full-time. I'm guessing she'd chose to do some driving rather than have her DD all weekend.

If it were me - I'd list some practical suggestions for DH to pitch. Refusal to consider any of them reasonably resulting in the courts to decide.

A) Maintenance stays at 40 per week, visits change to Friday to Sunday night. Meet half way on the Friday night (so DSD gets to bed at a reasonable hour), your DH does the full distance to return.

B) Maintenance changes back to 30 pw, visits change to Friday to Sunday night. Your DH does full distance to pick up and drop off but that will result in a later pick up time.

C) Final Option. Ex's compromise - payments change to CSA amount, you apply to the courts for a more reasonable financial and visitation arrangement.

D) DSD moves in with you, goes to her mum on weekends. She pays you maintenance...

Caveat - I'm a random stranger on the internet, and I have no personal experience in this area at all. But I agree with posters that it is unsustainable and especially so when she starts school, wants to go to birthday parties on weekends etc etc. How is that going to work if it's a hundred mile round trip?
Its also worth pointing out that both maintenance and petrol/pickups can be revisited if and when your financial situation improves. Between now and then though, it's not feasible.

£7 is an absolute joke

£7 per week, honestly assessed, regularly paid, with meaningful regular contact from dad and every intention of increasing again as soon as possible is absolutely fair in the circumstances (if he is genuinely trying to increase hours. A lot of PWCs would be happy just to have an ex who wasn't actively trying to dodge paying (so many dads work cash in hand, hide self employed profits, put busiesses in new partner's name etc).

For the last bloody time he pays £40 and would never dream of paying as little as £7!!

OP it is admirable that he wants to pay more substantially but he just can't afford it until his earnings increase. It is completely doolally for you to be complaining (quite rightly) about the financial impact that is threatening your family but supporting his mad plan to massively overpay CM in what could be the worst financial year of your lives.

Agree with the above - he should pay what the CSA tell him to.

Add in the cost of petrol to faciliate contact - meals out- etc.

How much does he pay a week if you include all this.

Take his weekly take home pay (minus lunches and travel expenses to and from work)

140 - say 15 for work expenses. = 125

minus 40 for maintenance = 85.

petrol - 35 a week ?

50

lunch out once a week with daughter 20.

so he contributes 30 quid a week to his household.

I would also suggest you looking for full time work.

That way he can be a SAHD and also there would be less due to the CSA......

For the last bloody time he pays £40 and would never dream of paying as little as £7!! - He does not pay 40 a week - you do (out of your savings)

MSE has a SOA - statement of affairs

Combined income earned = £800
Benefits = x

Expenses

rent
Council tax
car insurance
car maintenance
petrol
Car tax
TV licence
Mobile Bill
Broadband
Electricity
Haircuts
Clothing
Insurance (house)
Prescriptions
Birthday presents
Groceries
Maintenance to ex

I would suggest you will be paying out 3-500 a month more than you take in

And a four year old demanding meals out is ridiculous. It would be ridiculous even if she had wealthy parents. Someone needs to be parenting her properly.

OP have you considered just leaving?

Fidelity you are absolutely spot on there. No four year old should be demanding meals out. I would never have dared at her age! She is a little madam for about 2 hours after we've picked her up but then she settles down again.

I have suggested myself working full time and him staying at home with the kids. He was offended at the suggestion! He told me that we just have to hang on in there until he passes this course. He said that its an opportunity he won't get again (the course costs £3000 and his boss is paying for him to go on it, he is promised full time hours an a better wage). I can see where he's coming from to be fair to him.

I also suggested lowering the maintainence temporarily until he has these full time hours and I suggested that his ex brings DSD to us (she will want the break and me time) and we take her back. That way it is COMPLETELY fair - there are no arguments about exactly where 'halfway' is as I can see that one coming a mile off!

If he passes his course - sorry to be the bringer of doom - but what if he does not

also, has his boss given him a written contract stating that he will get more hours and a higher rate of pay if he passes his course!

I also suggested lowering the maintainence temporarily until he has these full time hours and I suggested that his ex brings DSD to us (she will want the break and me time) and we take her back. That way it is COMPLETELY fair - there are no arguments about exactly where 'halfway' is as I can see that one coming a mile off!

This is the sensible answer. And this bit;

she will want the break and me time

is your leverage, maybe?

If your car did end up off road for a couple of weeks, it would be a shame but he couldn't argue......

Well I think that it is worth waiting to see what happens. His boss needs him to pass the course as DH will be the only colleague qualified to do the work.

He has a contract at the moment and I am presuming that when/if his job changes that he will write up a new contract

Agree with the above - take car off the road - if it was not for the trips to see his daughter would your family need a car?

Let's hope it doesn't take long

That is our leverage! It's well known that she will leave DSD with anyone who will have her. Even DH says she's never been particularly maternal and would often 'reminisce' about 'the good old, child free days' where she could go out whenever she wanted.

This is why I think that, given no other alternative, she would drop DSD off.

We would to be fair glasgow we live a bit in the sticks

As someone far too old to fall for management flannel

Oh we cant quite afford to up your hours yet, but we will next month, and in the meant time, can you do the new job you are trained for.

If they do up his hours will contact hours reduce or will you just look after 2 children all day

You seem to have everything almost sorted.

a few months of pain and then things will be better.

Does his daughter start school this year?

Why don't you all cut the crap - the mother included - and you have the child living with you full time?

Why don't you all cut the crap - the mother included - and you have the child living with you full time?

Because a resident DSD who throws shoes at your head in a moving car when denied a restaurant meal sounds such an appealing prospect. Not to mention the oh-so-reasonable mother lurking in the background dripping poison

And that so not what it is all about!

To be fair when DSD is with us she is generally good. All kids have their wobbles from time to time and she is no exception but she's certainly not the worst child I've come across.

The simple fact itsfab is that her mother won't allow us to have her full time. Then DSD really would suffer and there would be a grey deal of animosity between the two parents

Most unlikely a mother will forego seeing her DD ever, so pointless suggestion. Plus the DM probably gets child allowance and possible other benefits towards eg housing. Why would she ever agree to that.

Get the toing and froing reduced.

The 4 year old is 'a little madam' because of her upbringing not her nature, try not to take it out on her. Sounds as if she has a selfish DM and a woossy DF, that's the problem, not her. Remember she will always be your DD's DSis, try to help her become the best sister you can for your DD's sake.

Never take it out on her as I know that she is a product and to be fair, once she settles down she's lovely. And yes Dozie, I think the CB and other benefits will have a lot to do with it too.

DH is going to speak to his ex when he drops DSD off tomorrow morning. He said that he will even do without seeing DSD until his ex realises that she needs abreak and relents and drives over here.

DH seems to be putting his foot down about a lot. Doesn't sound like give and take. What are you willing to do? What do you want? Does your DH give when you put your foot down about stuff?

As for cost of picking up vs cost of benefit
right now it is costing you
Xchildsupport(money to XP, buying clothes etc) + Ypickingup (car insurance, miles, petrol etc)

If you can't afford X+ Y (spending savings and borrowing money is not affording) then you can reduce X or reduce Y. It doesn't really matter which. If she won't drop off then just reduce X accordingly. If he refuses to do either then yes, you are a financial crutch. As for the hissy fit about the tea, sounds like you are bending over backwards to "help".