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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this was a horrible way to treat DD?

169 replies

InHerShoes · 20/04/2014 09:05

DD was invited to stay over at her Aunt's house with her younger cousins who she adores. She stayed Friday night, came out with us for the day yesterday and was also invited to stay Saturday (we live very locally). She talked of nothing else all day, had left all her bedding and clothes round there and was so excited.

At tea time yesterday we were on our way round when my sister phoned and said her own DD1 (4) was tired and it was late (it was 5.30) and could we just forget it. My DD started crying and my sister could hear her, and was very dismissive in an 'ofgs she needs to get over it' way.

DD cried until bedtime. We have to go and play Happy Easter Families this afternoon so I need to strap on my best smile and get the fuck over it but I'm so upset for her. There was a real attitude of oh well, she's a big girl and it doesn't matter.

DD has some mild SN/behavioural issues, so stuff like this knocks her for six. She is an angel for other people, and treats like sleepovers and special shopping trips are really good for her. I should say my family don't particularly believe in her SN, they like to blame my parenting as she is so well behaved for them.

I would like to add that DD was INVITED, we didn't ask and neither did she, and we were never told that she had to be round there at a specific time so cancelling at 5.30 because it was too late just blindsided us, and left us with a raging tearful child who thought she was being punished.

AIBU? And shoudl I say something (maybe not today)?

OP posts:
JumpingJackSprat · 20/04/2014 09:12

How old is she?

MrsDavidBowie · 20/04/2014 09:12

Can see both sides.
If her dd was tired it wouldn't be much fun for your ds in terms of playing.

I would cancel in a similar situation.
But I can see how your dd wouldn't understand due to sn and so react like that.

But your sister was not being nasty or malicious.Maybe because of your family's attitude to her sn you are taking this to heart more...it's more than just the cancelled sleepover.

Original poster
InHerShoes · 20/04/2014 09:14

Oh sorry, I thought I'd said. She's ten next week.

OP posts:
Original poster
InHerShoes · 20/04/2014 09:15

But cancelling at 5.30 when we were on our way round?

I think even notwithstanding her SN (which is more behavioural than any thing else) any child would be gutted at such a late cancellation of a promised treat.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpositive · 20/04/2014 09:15

To be honest, if DD had already come home to spend all day Saturday with you, I can see why DSis thought it wouldn't be a big deal cancelling the Saturday night over - especially since you'd all be seeing them again today.

Your DD may have been invited, but sometimes plans have to change. She will have to learn that unfortunately, mild SN or not. Your niece is still only tiny herself so may indeed have been knackered after her activities that day.

Your sister may only have meant it was too late relative to how tired her daughter was, rather than 5:30 being an unreasonable time to come over for a sleep over (obviously it's not).

Chocotrekkie · 20/04/2014 09:16

It sounds like the 4 year old hadn't got much sleep the night before due to the sleepover, had been a pain all day and your sister couldn't face another sleepover and then the meltdown by your niece which would have happened today at the family do.

Next time 2 nights sleepover in a row is a bad idea.

I don't think your sister was being nasty - just putting her own dd first.

Coconutty · 20/04/2014 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilaclily · 20/04/2014 09:18

Your sister did have her on Friday night!
I think close family are allowed to change their minds
I'd imagine her 4 year old was tired after Friday night
Do you ever have your neice for a sleepover??

Pumpkinpositive · 20/04/2014 09:18

But cancelling at 5.30 when we were on our way round?

Yes, that is unfortunate. Did your sister know you had already set off (presume that's what you mean?) when she called or was it just serendipitously bad timing?

She probably feels a bit guilty, hence the sharpness. It wouldn't be unreasonable for a child to cry in these circumstances, SN or not.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/04/2014 09:22

Whilst I do feel for your dd, i'm guessing they were up late playing the night before, and 2 sleepovers in a row us a lot for a 4yr old. She should have told you earlier tho. I guess if they don't believe in her sn, then they wouldn't see this as a problem, as to nt 10yr olds you could just say 'sorry,cousin is tired, never mind, another time ' and no drama.

CoffeeTea103 · 20/04/2014 09:23

She's ten years old, not a little toddler so she should accept it, you are making a big deal about nothing. She had one night there already so it's not like your dsis didn't want her over at all.

Original poster
InHerShoes · 20/04/2014 09:25

I just feel like DD has been treated shoddily. My sister wanted her round because she's a big help with the girls, it meant she had a huge lie in on Saturday because DD got up with them.

It was on Saturday morning that DD was invited to stay Saturday night too, in fact she had already asked me if she could stay both nights and I said no as it was too much, I just think my sister should have either said no in the first place or stuck with the plans she had made.

DD was full of excitement about it all day, we went on our planned trip out and were on our way back to take her her round there when my sister called and cancelled.

We do have my nieces round often, yes.

OP posts:
Lilaclily · 20/04/2014 09:25

She probably got upset because she too is tired & emotional from Friday night
Bet she had a lovely nights sleep in her own bed & will be looking forward to a lovely family day today
& if your feeling generous invite your neice over tonight, give your sister a break like she did for you Friday night

2blackcats2 · 20/04/2014 09:26

It's a shame when children are disappointed but 5:30 is quite late for a 4 year old and I can see your sisters point of view here, sorry.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 20/04/2014 09:27

Children ( and their parents) need to learn to cope with this sort of thing without it being turned into a massive drama.

You and your DD both massively upset.... For ages.... Too much unnecessary drama, IMO

randomAXEofkindness · 20/04/2014 09:29

Yes, this was a horrible thing for your sister to do. I might be more forgiving of her ignorance if she didn't have a child of her own or if she was under the impression that your dd didn't really care either way, but that wasn't the case, and she should have been more sensitive.

I wouldn't have cancelled. I'd have put my own dc to bed and made it special in another way for my niece (with goodies and a film or something), especially after I learned that it meant so much to her.

I probably wouldn't bring it up today. But I'd make sure that I told dsis in no uncertain terms when it was relevant (if she suggested another sleepover, for instance) that you do not want her to make any promises to your dd because she is unreliable and you can't trust her to follow through until she understands that we keep our promises to children, sn or not.

Sorry about your little dd op Sad.

Original poster
InHerShoes · 20/04/2014 09:29

Coffee that is exactly the attitude I'm talking about. She's not ten until next week, she is still a young child with feelings, she struggles a lot with changes and disappointment. I know a lot of other nine year olds who would also be crushed by this.

We played it down massively, of course, and made a fuss of her at home last night, and she is fine this morning but I know from experience she will have taken this to heart, low self esteem is one of her big issues.

By the way I have two other children, one is a toddler, this wasn't anything to do with giving me a break.

OP posts:
Ijustwanttocryallthetime · 20/04/2014 09:30

So silly. It's not a big deal. You and your dd both overreacting.

Original poster
InHerShoes · 20/04/2014 09:31

Thank you Random Thanks

That is exactly what I would have done in the circumstances too.

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 20/04/2014 09:31

I think that, given she'd had your DD one night already, cancelling was reasonable. It would have been nice for her to be a bit more apologetic. Sorry your DD was upset. Change of plans knocks some DCs for six more than others.

monicalewinski · 20/04/2014 09:32

I can see your point of view, but I'm afraid I agree with your sister more tbh.

Just forget about it now, no point making into a bigger deal by staying pissed off with your sister.

RandomInternetStranger · 20/04/2014 09:33

I think it was mean to her and if your sis couldn't handle the plans and didn't plan it properly with specific timings then she shouldn't have made the invitation. I would give your DD a treat to make up for it and I would have a word with your sister than she can't make promises she can't keep and disappoint your DD like that.

NewtRipley · 20/04/2014 09:33

I hate it when adults dismiss children's feelings. It doesn't mean you need to always ive them what they want, but acknowledging feelings without undue fuss is important.

BrokenToeOuch · 20/04/2014 09:33

I'll second that Fiscal, although I see both sides.

It's not a big deal though, and an almost ten year old should be able to see that she had a fun sleepover the night before, a fun day out, and then an Easter day today. That's a lot of nice things to do too, and crying the whole time til bedtime, and the fact that you need to strap on my best smile and get the fuck over it but I'm so upset for her. is a massive overblown reaction. She was invited to a sleepover that got cancelled as her cousin was too tired. It's not a big deal. Really, it's not.

Sorry she was upset though, but I wonder how much you're feelings and reaction have rubbed off on to her as you also seem to have massively over reacted.

mygrandchildrenrock · 20/04/2014 09:33

Being 'crushed' by not having a second sleep over is not the kind of reaction you want your daughter to have, sn or not. She needs to build up her emotional resilience so that she can save being 'crushed' for when something really significant happens.

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