to think this was a horrible way to treat DD?

[InHerShoes]

DD was invited to stay over at her Aunt's house with her younger cousins who she adores. She stayed Friday night, came out with us for the day yesterday and was also invited to stay Saturday (we live very locally). She talked of nothing else all day, had left all her bedding and clothes round there and was so excited.

At tea time yesterday we were on our way round when my sister phoned and said her own DD1 (4) was tired and it was late (it was 5.30) and could we just forget it. My DD started crying and my sister could hear her, and was very dismissive in an 'ofgs she needs to get over it' way.

DD cried until bedtime. We have to go and play Happy Easter Families this afternoon so I need to strap on my best smile and get the fuck over it but I'm so upset for her. There was a real attitude of oh well, she's a big girl and it doesn't matter.

DD has some mild SN/behavioural issues, so stuff like this knocks her for six. She is an angel for other people, and treats like sleepovers and special shopping trips are really good for her. I should say my family don't particularly believe in her SN, they like to blame my parenting as she is so well behaved for them.

I would like to add that DD was INVITED, we didn't ask and neither did she, and we were never told that she had to be round there at a specific time so cancelling at 5.30 because it was too late just blindsided us, and left us with a raging tearful child who thought she was being punished.

AIBU? And shoudl I say something (maybe not today)?

Yeah, but the OP did do it, aero. She says so.

Her sister was right on the phone, it wouldn't have taken a minute for her to have a kind word. My niece is 3 and I'd still not find it hard to say something that made her feel better, and at 3 I would imagine her capacity to understand why adults sometimes cancel is much smaller.

I too think you are massively over reacting!

My dd was 6 when she caught swine flu, she was unable to go to her best friends birthday party, even though she felt fine (very mild cold like symptoms) but showed positive on a test. Yes, she was disappointed, because she also missed out on the school disco during her period of confinement.

But she dealt with it.

You cannot protect your daughter from disappointments all her life, she will need to get used to it.

And aside from that, since when it is a 10yrs olds job to allow her aunt a lie in? I would be discouraging sleep overs for that alone.

Your daughter has special needs. She needs people who accept her and support her for who she is. Your sister may not fall into this category.

I think this is definitely something to keep in mind. My DCs have SNs, and often family can be a bit dismissive of things that upset them quite a bit, and when they get upset it's always "oh they'll get over it." Yes, at some point they will, but often a little consideration would have avoided the problem altogether. Too many people are quick to dismiss children's feelings altogether.

Next time there is a situation like this, you'll just need to be firm with your sister and say "No, one night is enough." Then there's not the huge build up for the second night and a big let down.

YABU, and I think 'horrible' is OTT

I can understand the disappointment, however I think there has been some over reaction. It looks like you need to find some different strategies to manage situations like this when they arise in the future as people, including family, will not be aware how their actions will impact on your DD. You can reduce the impact by handling things differently.

Yes LRD sister could well have had a little kind word with dd, that's probably why I suggested op talk to her sister as she probably is unaware of how your dd reacts as she probably has not seen it.

Yes, I certainly agree it sounds as if they need to talk about it.

Poor DD. Your sister just doesn't seem to understand or be able to see it from her point of view.

Lots of confirmation for DD that her feelings of upset are normal, and reassurance that it was circumstances rather than anything she had done. Affirm for her how her Aunty had said that DN and she had loved having her there, perhaps in the company of Aunty if you think that your sister will come positively to that conversation.

Agree manage expectations in the future! And mark your sis in the 'won't consider DDs SN' category!

Is your sister doing a meal or a huge amount of catering for everyone today?
Maybe the thought of her owned tired DC and dealing with them , it suddenly dawned on her it would be doubly difficult with another child there too.

*own

It could be that the sister is knackered.

I had stuff to do for Easter that I have had to scale back on.

If the DD has younger siblings, so not an only child, I think it isn't unreasonable for the Sis to relax/get stuff done/enjoy her evening, if her child has had an early night.

I have had two with moderate SN, they go still have to understand the needs of others.

""I know a lot of other nine year olds who would also be crushed by this. ""

That's ridiculous. Children over five can understand that adults (and other children) get tired, especially around busy times Easter/Christmas etc and sometimes plans have to change.

'mygrandchildrenrock Being 'crushed' by not having a second sleep over is not the kind of reaction you want your daughter to have, sn or not. She needs to build up her emotional resilience so that she can save being 'crushed' for when something really significant happens.'

I agree. The fact that she is ten and she cried until bedtime about not being able to have the second sleepover that she wanted is a bit much. I was a lot more resilient than that at 10. I know you were upset that your sister's attitude was 'ofgs, she should just get over it' but it does sound like she might have a bit if a pint, in line with the poster above: she needs to build up her emotional resilience. Being inconsolable and devastated about a cancelled sleepover means that she won't be able to cope with really crushing events when they happen.

Isn't some of this to do with the child's personality too? Some ten year old children take a late cancellation in their stride and some would be upset by it, SN aside?

That's ridiculous. Children over five can understand that adults (and other children) get tired, especially around busy times Easter/Christmas etc and sometimes plans have to change.

Seriously? And with you having children with SNs, I would have thought you'd at least understand that some children simply DON'T have the emotional control to deal with that. My 7yo doesn't. He would literally fall apart, complete meltdown. And having the same situation a week later would have the same result. Because he doesn't have the emotional maturity to cope and doesn't have the cognitive skills to recognise and learn from the previous experience.

Goodness, but compassion is thin on the ground today.

YANBU my son struggles with transitioning and would have a melt down with this late cancellation too.

I've been a 'disappointed adult' many times. I've always felt sad and disappointed when something I was looking forward to is cancelled. But that's very different to thinking that the canceller is horrible and that it's an awful way to treat me.

I've also had to cancel plans and let people down, it's unfortunate but it's life. They understand.

OP said that her DD doesn't present with SN when with family, so the sister may literally not know that the DD may have more trouble than other kids her age if she hasn't seen it. They are obviously quite close if the DD is cool with sleepovers etc.

You invite someone, you cancel only if some in is throwing up.

DD is tired is a sodding feeble excuse (it means I can't be arsed.)

I can understand why your daughter was upset, but I don't think your sister did anything wrong.

Last night both my children ended up going to bed at 6, which is 2 hours earlier than normal. They hadn't seemed tired at all so I was suprised when they asked to go to bed early and slept immediately. If I had arranged for one of my nieces to come for a sleep over I would have cancelled as there would be little point if my two were in bed. I would find cancelling the logical thing to do as my niece would be bored if my sons were asleep (no toys, having to be quieter etc), and my sons would be miserable if they were woken up by her.

I hope you all have a great time this afternoon and this doesn't ruin your fun.

Can see both sides too. Sorry your dd was upset but play that down by explaining to her that '

your cousin is only little and she was so excited last night she needed more sleep so that's why your auntie cancelled. Auntie loves having you and said you were a really good girl and so helpful' etc.

Never plan 2 sleepovers in a row. They are bad news at any age, teenagers are vile if have them in a row.

I suggest you don't say a word to your sis, she'd was probably tired after the sleepover too.

In my experiences children 'get over' disappointments and knocks if parents keep them in proper proportion and treat life with a healthy dose of humour and brisk, kind, sense. It's your job to teach her resilience.

Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Your dd will keep being upset and 'play you' if you show you are angry.

Leave it.

I do agree with RedRoom even though she sounds very harsh. No comet, I disagree, sister probably did not understand how tired she would be and having to host for Easter, probably was tge icing on the cake. How she approached it was wrong, it was insensitive and thoughtless. She could have cancelled earlier, and had a kind word over the phone to dd.

Life is unpredictable, dd carers cancel sometimes as tgey are not well or something has come up that they can't take her to an activity, so you have to play it down a bit. As dd is older and goes to an Autistic school which also helps her deal with real life situations, her resilience to change has gotten a hell of a lot better and she is better able to deal with it.

Your sister put the needs of her family first. Sadly, this upset your DD. It's entirely possible your sister was shattered, dealing with her own children (hence the early bed) and simply couldn't cope with the distress of your DD into the bargain, hence her remark. Maybe she was at the end of her tether and needed your support over this? Turn things around: your DD is tired and overwrought, needs an early night, but your DN's were due to come around. Wouldn't you put her needs first?