Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this was a horrible way to treat DD?

169 replies

InHerShoes · 20/04/2014 09:05

DD was invited to stay over at her Aunt's house with her younger cousins who she adores. She stayed Friday night, came out with us for the day yesterday and was also invited to stay Saturday (we live very locally). She talked of nothing else all day, had left all her bedding and clothes round there and was so excited.

At tea time yesterday we were on our way round when my sister phoned and said her own DD1 (4) was tired and it was late (it was 5.30) and could we just forget it. My DD started crying and my sister could hear her, and was very dismissive in an 'ofgs she needs to get over it' way.

DD cried until bedtime. We have to go and play Happy Easter Families this afternoon so I need to strap on my best smile and get the fuck over it but I'm so upset for her. There was a real attitude of oh well, she's a big girl and it doesn't matter.

DD has some mild SN/behavioural issues, so stuff like this knocks her for six. She is an angel for other people, and treats like sleepovers and special shopping trips are really good for her. I should say my family don't particularly believe in her SN, they like to blame my parenting as she is so well behaved for them.

I would like to add that DD was INVITED, we didn't ask and neither did she, and we were never told that she had to be round there at a specific time so cancelling at 5.30 because it was too late just blindsided us, and left us with a raging tearful child who thought she was being punished.

AIBU? And shoudl I say something (maybe not today)?

OP posts:
AreWeThereYeti · 20/04/2014 09:34

I don't see this as mean. It sounds like your sister could have let you know earlier but it seems reasonable to cancel a second night of sleepover.

It's disappointing but not 'horrible'

It be a shame to raise it with your sister as she would then be wary of asking your DD in future.

mercibucket · 20/04/2014 09:36

it wasnt a horrible way to treat your dd, she had a sleepover literally the night before

and i really cant see the sleepover purely in terms of it benefitting your sister!! all kids stay up til silly oclock and are then often knackered and grumpy all day afterwards. your dd at 10 might not be, but a 4 year old with the same amount of sleep!!

next time - anticipate this. one sleepover not two. just say no in advance or manage your dds expectations - it might not happen. lets wait and see.

jacks365 · 20/04/2014 09:38

If I had invited my dniece round last night I would have needed to cancel too. My dd is very hard work when she gets over tired and sleeps worse than normal. Getting her to sleep takes a lot of time and attention and she then frequently wakes again. The point is that I couldn't watch a movie with my dniece as I would be up and down constantly and just couldn't give her the attention so although it is nice to think that is what should happen it isn't always possible.

Original poster
InHerShoes · 20/04/2014 09:38

I haven't overreacted, other than posting here to vent about it.

I said, 'oh dear, that's a shame, never mind we'll see you tomorrow' and then comforted DD and reiterated that we'd see them all tomorrow and we'd have a nice night at home.

I maintain that inviting her in the morning, letting her talk all morning about it, waving her off with a promise of seeing her later and then cancelling at the last minute is a horrible way to treat a child.

OP posts:
DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 20/04/2014 09:39

Honestly OP I think YABU. I get your DD is disappointed but this isn't "horrible treatment", or even shoddy treatment by your sister. She's simply said 'sorry no sleepover tonight my own DD is too tired after last night". leaving it till 5.30 to let you know? maybe that's when your sister happened to hit her limit with her possibly ratty 4 year old? that's the magic ratbag time in our house for our 6 and 2 year olds.

Yes your DD has mild SN, but her DD is 4, that's a huge difference to 10. I'd probably have the same attitude to your sister if you had tried to lay a guilt trip on me the way you did.

Also the fact your DD had such a massive tantrum about it all, that carried on until bedtime basically proves she was probably too tired for another sleepover herself.

Pumpkinpositive · 20/04/2014 09:39

I would give your DD a treat to make up for it and I would have a word with your sister than she can't make promises she can't keep and disappoint your DD like that.

Everyone makes promises they can't keep sometimes! Ever heard the expression "man plans and God laughs?" Circumstances change. People have to learn to deal with that graciously or they will make themselves, and others, very unhappy. One would not expect a ten year old with mild DN to instinctively know this, but this is her mother's chance to show her that it's not a big deal and these things happen.

DSis invited niece for a sleep over, she didn't make a sworn pact with her signed in blood.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 20/04/2014 09:40

It's just one of those things. Maybe her ( very young) dd was playing up and it was getting near bedtime and she just couldn't face another late night/tired day with her. Sounds like your dd would have been upset even if they had cancelled earlier in the day. You really need to work with your DD about managing expectations and disappointment.

Original poster
InHerShoes · 20/04/2014 09:41

Whne DD was initially invited she said 'maybe I can stay both nights' and I was very clear in frint of my sister that I thought that was too much and a bad idea so we would just do Friday night.

She then came bouncing back to me on Saturday full of chat about Aunty asking her to stay for two nights. My sister said, well, she was such a big help this morning and I've got loads to do tomorrow so I asked her to stay tonight as well.

So yes, it was mainly to benefit her, however ill thought out the plan was.

OP posts:
Original poster
InHerShoes · 20/04/2014 09:41

Where did I lay any kind of guilt trip on my sister?

OP posts:
Pumpkinpositive · 20/04/2014 09:42

I maintain that inviting her in the morning, letting her talk all morning about it, waving her off with a promise of seeing her later and then cancelling at the last minute is a horrible way to treat a child

How could your sister know your niece would be talking about it all morning? Wasn't she with you? Confused

Why did you come on her asking if you were being unreasonable when you've already made up your mind that you're not?

Original poster
InHerShoes · 20/04/2014 09:42

DD didn't have any kind of tantrum, either, she was crying on and off about it all evening but after the initial burst of tears it wasn't a tantrum in any way, shape or form.

OP posts:
Original poster
InHerShoes · 20/04/2014 09:43

No, she was there until lunch time.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpositive · 20/04/2014 09:46

No, she was there until lunch time.

Okay. Just in your OP, you state she came out with you "for the day".

Not that it changes matters. I still don't think your sister was BU.

Don't let it spoil your day.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 20/04/2014 09:49

"and left us with a raging tearful child who thought she was being punished."

sorry, my mistake I got tantrum from the above.

Coconutty · 20/04/2014 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JohnnyBarthes · 20/04/2014 09:53

I think my 13 yo would have been upset too (although he'd have hidden it). If your niece is your sister's eldest child, she probably thinks 10 is very grown up in comparison to 4 - which of course it is, but it's also still very young.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP, but for the sake of family harmony you probably need to let it go. It's horrible seeing your child disappointed by someone else though

okeydonkey · 20/04/2014 09:54

I think she was wrong to cancel last minute she could have just got on with it then made sure next time 1 night sleepover is enough.
But she cancelled and its a pain but hey ho but I think there's more issues with your relationship probably relating to family's opinions on your DDs SN. I would be very very hurt if my family thought my DC SN was due to my parenting.

MissMalonex2 · 20/04/2014 09:56

YABVU - why should your sister not be able to make a decision that the second sleepover is too much for her child without you getting so upset and irate it? You need to learn to be more flexible in life and to support your child in learning this too (appreciate that you said DD has SN, but the ability to adapt to changes in plans - big or small - is a major life skill)

OddFodd · 20/04/2014 09:57

I agree that it was unkind of your sister. In my world you don't rescind invitations at the last minute unless it's for a very good reason (illness/other calamity). Changing your mind is not good enough. I'm not surprised your DD was disappointed. Hope you all have a lovely day today to make up for it

sassysally · 20/04/2014 09:57

I think your DD needs to build up some resilience.Life is full of these minor trials.I don't think parents who feel they have to 'snowplough' the roads of life for their offspring are doing them any favours at all.

FraidyCat · 20/04/2014 10:01

I'm on the OP's side in this. I think the critics on here have had an empathy bypass, especially the ones who think that the fact there's been one sleepover is a reason why having the second one snatched away shouldn't be upsetting.

okeydonkey · 20/04/2014 10:03

I'm actually shocked that everyone thinks Yabu.
yanbu! Of course DD is going to be upset and it doesn't mean she needs toughening up...she's 10... Sleepovers are exciting for kids.
I wouldn't do that to my niece.

AnimalsAreMyFriends · 20/04/2014 10:04

Unfortunately these things happen. I have 2 ds with SN, but I see that teaching them to cope with last minute changes & / or disappointment is a valuable part of their life skills. They don't always cope with it well, but, that's life.

Whilst not ideal that your sis cancelled at the last minute, it's not really the end of the world. Go and have a lovely time with your family and put last night behind you.

JohnnyBarthes · 20/04/2014 10:08

Likewise, Oddfodd.

Would the critics here be OK if a friend cancelled a much anticipated lunch date at the last minute, because they didn't really feel like it? Or would they feel disappointed (possibly even a little upset)?

Morgause · 20/04/2014 10:09

I think "horrible" is a bit strong, unkind perhaps.

If she knew her 4 yr old DD wouldn't sleep if there was a sleepover and she was already over-tired and grumpy then it was the right thing to do.