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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this was a horrible way to treat DD?

169 replies

InHerShoes · 20/04/2014 09:05

DD was invited to stay over at her Aunt's house with her younger cousins who she adores. She stayed Friday night, came out with us for the day yesterday and was also invited to stay Saturday (we live very locally). She talked of nothing else all day, had left all her bedding and clothes round there and was so excited.

At tea time yesterday we were on our way round when my sister phoned and said her own DD1 (4) was tired and it was late (it was 5.30) and could we just forget it. My DD started crying and my sister could hear her, and was very dismissive in an 'ofgs she needs to get over it' way.

DD cried until bedtime. We have to go and play Happy Easter Families this afternoon so I need to strap on my best smile and get the fuck over it but I'm so upset for her. There was a real attitude of oh well, she's a big girl and it doesn't matter.

DD has some mild SN/behavioural issues, so stuff like this knocks her for six. She is an angel for other people, and treats like sleepovers and special shopping trips are really good for her. I should say my family don't particularly believe in her SN, they like to blame my parenting as she is so well behaved for them.

I would like to add that DD was INVITED, we didn't ask and neither did she, and we were never told that she had to be round there at a specific time so cancelling at 5.30 because it was too late just blindsided us, and left us with a raging tearful child who thought she was being punished.

AIBU? And shoudl I say something (maybe not today)?

OP posts:

randomAXEofkindness · 20/04/2014 10:10

I'm shocked too. A lot of the answers on this thread are depressing. Apparently it's okay to break promises to kids if keeping them is an inconvenience; and if a young child with sn is sad about somebody letting them down, they just need to toughen up .

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/04/2014 10:10

I think your sister needs to drop the 'she's a big girl' attitude.

It'd be one thing to cancel, but it surely would not have been hard for her to get on the phone with your DD, say something nice, maybe tell her she was being a mature big cousin and looking out for her little cousin who was too tired.

I don't know enough about children or children with SN, but I would think many children would pick up on it if a relative actually resented or disliked them, and your sister's attitude sounds quite unpleasantly like that. It's not on.

IMO the disappointment is separate from the way it was handled - the one is sad but these things happen, the other was totally avoidable.

OddFodd · 20/04/2014 10:11

Well exactly JohnnyBarthes! If I was invited round to a friend's for dinner/lunch/cup of tea, I'd be upset if it was cancelled at the last minute and I'm nearly 50

Anonynony · 20/04/2014 10:11

YABU and your choice of words are way ott

GretaGip · 20/04/2014 10:15

I think random's answer was perfect.

How did your DD sleep last night, InHer? I hope you can all have a lovely day today.

Pumpkinpositive · 20/04/2014 10:16

Would the critics here be OK if a friend cancelled a much anticipated lunch date at the last minute, because they didn't really feel like it? Or would they feel disappointed (possibly even a little upset)?

If I'd already had a sleepover with them the previous night, and was due to see them again on the Sunday, I suspect I'd cope.

Grennie · 20/04/2014 10:17

If a friend cancelled at the last minute, I would be disappointed. I wouldn't be upset or think she is massively horrible.

patothechiefexec · 20/04/2014 10:17

I think the key thing here is that your daughter was looking forward to another sleepover then felt extremely upset when it was cancelled at the last minute. No one can tell her how she feels because we all react to things differently.

Yes, your sister was probably right to cancel in light of her daughter's tiredness but she's a bit mean to dismiss your daughter's feelings like she did. My Dad would often dismiss my feelings when I was younger calling me a boo baby. It actually used to make me feel worse and i'm fairly certain it has affected me longer term.

If it were me, I would acknowledge my daughter's feelings. Tell her it is entirely okay to feel disappointed but sometimes things happen and things get cancelled. Unfortunately, that is life!!! Suggest that you do something nice at home instead and see what would make her feel better (i.e. PJs on the sofa, dvd, hot chocolate, etc.). I would also be a bit wary about letting her go to your sister's for a sleepover in future. Your daughter has special needs. She needs people who accept her and support her for who she is. Your sister may not fall into this category.

usualsuspectt · 20/04/2014 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JenBehavingBadly · 20/04/2014 10:20

That's pants. Letting her down at the last minute was really unfair, especially since she'd invited her specifically that morning.

mercibucket · 20/04/2014 10:23

she was there from the evening of the night before til about lunchtime. hardly the actions of a relative who actively dislikes her

someone asked how an adult would feel if their friend cancelled. well, if we'd been out the night before, then stayed over, it would be perfectly fine wouldnt it, to say you felt too knackered?

surely that would be the normal adult reaction???

of course a 10 year old will see things differently
we have to help them manage their ecpectations. this kind of thingwill happen again, it is not 'horrible'it is just normal for a 4 year old to be knackered. i still think you could have spent the afternoon preparing her for the possibility, particularly knowing how she cant cope with sudden change, or even just said 'no' when your sister suggested it. up to you to help your dd.

OddFodd · 20/04/2014 10:24

pato makes a very good point: Your daughter has special needs. She needs people who accept her and support her for who she is. Your sister may not fall into this category.

My DS has SN as does his cousin. My sister believes they're both connected to parenting so we don't see her unless it's unavoidable.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/04/2014 10:24

I get that, merci. I wonder whether a ten year old does.

I would be a bit worried about a relative who thinks 'get over it' is an ok reaction. Maybe it's just me, but if I had a relative diagnosed with SN, I would probably err on the side of assuming I didn't understand everything, rather than writing it off.

mygrandchildrenrock · 20/04/2014 10:27

I think most of us could understand the 4 yr old cousin getting more and more grumpy during the day due to tiredness from the sleepover. At 5.30, your sister knew she couldn't keep her own daughter going any longer and let you know the sleepover was off.
How is that, in any way, shape or form, unkind, unfair or unanything else to you daughter?
You daughter gets told, 'oh dear, that's a shame, never mind you had a nice sleepover last night and you're seeing your cousin again tomorrow'.
Why should anyone be expected to feel bad/guilty about this? This is life, and all children need to learn to handle situations when they become disappointed.

CoffeeTea103 · 20/04/2014 10:29

What would you do if your dd had a play date and they cancelled at the last minute if something came up? It's called life. Sometimes these things do happen. You sound very ott, using the words horrible and pointing out she uses your dd for a lie in. Then wouldn't she have taken the opportunity for a lie in? Yes your dd should be at ten years old, not throwing a tantrum and crying till bedtime sn or not. Maybe try to teach her that you do get let down at times but people who do it are not 'horrible'.

patothechiefexec · 20/04/2014 10:33

I think the stumbling block here is the OP's sisters attitude of 'tell her to get over it'.

There are many people devoid of empathy as illustrated on this thread.

Op, I would let this one go. You have nothing to gain by discussing it with your sister. I would use this as a lesson to teach your daughter that not everyone in life will have her best interest at heart. It sounds like she just wanted to use your daughter for a bit of unofficial babysitting anyway.

Only1scoop · 20/04/2014 10:33

Yabu to think its a 'horrible' way. I think your sister could have been slightly more sensitive. I think an issue made of it makes it 'horrible' for dd.

rinabean · 20/04/2014 10:34

People shouldn't make promises they won't keep. OP told her sister 2 nights would probably be too much: she went ahead anyway. I guess she likes seeing a happy excited child and doesn't mind not seeing the fallout.

There's definitely a life skill to be learnt, and it's to not trust flakey people, especially if they don't apologise or try and make it up to you.

Seriously I can't believe so many people think it's okay to change plans at the last minute with your sister and niece and not even say sorry!

Only1scoop · 20/04/2014 10:34

I agree it's the 'get over it' that sounds insensitive.

MissDuke · 20/04/2014 10:35

I would be a bit miffed, yes. My daughter who is 9.5 would also be very upset and would probably cry - she also has SN. She wouldn't understand it at all, however I feel that she needs to learn that sometimes things don't work out as we like, so I would see it as a learning opportunity too. Sometimes things happen and plans have to change, sadly. I would be miffed with my sis, would but would also understand that things change, and that she had kindly already done a sleep over. I certainly wouldn't say she treated dd badly.

I also have a five year old, and would be very annoyed if people were arriving that late as I would be giving him dinner, and then he would be having bath, stories and bed soon after. My brother used to often arrive with his children for a visit around that time and I used to secretly seethe, in the end I carried on with the bedtime routine regardless and he got the hint to come earlier! His children went to bed much later than mine, but I feel he should have respected that our routine was different. If I was having someone sleepover, I certainly would be expecting them to arrive sooner as I know my son wouldn't be happy going to bed soon after the visitors arrived.

mercibucket · 20/04/2014 10:39

LDR
I believe i made the point that a 10 year old would feel differently
i was replying to the rather oversensitive soul who would be upset if, having spent 16 hours in the company if their friend, and then due to see them again 24 hours later, would be bitterly disappointed if their friend cancelled a night out in between the two events

thinking about it more, my kids are nt but i always add caveats, so a sleepover is not written in stone, it is 'unless something comes up', same with pretty much every event cos shit sometimes happens. it does not make the other person 'horrible'

mercibucket · 20/04/2014 10:41

actually, i admit i have assumed the op is histrionic and the sister did not actually say 'omfg she needs to get over it'

if she did say that, yes it is horrible

Aeroflotgirl · 20/04/2014 10:43

Yabvu in the nicest possible way. I am a mother of a dd7 with Autism and changes like that can throw her, she is also developmentally delayed but life is full of changes and unpredictable and it's my role as a parent to prepare my child. Your reaction to the situation might not have helped, children can pick up on it. Mabey your dsis aw sent feeling well or her dd just wasn't up for it. Have a lovely Easter and try to put it behind you.

Mabey next time when your calmer remind her of your dd needs next time you would like a little bit of warning if plans change. Yes I can see both yours and her points. Just don't let this affect your day.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/04/2014 10:45

Ah, sorry, I didn't follow that sequence merci. I'm with you now.

I think no matter what the sister said, if she thinks SN is something to 'get over,' that's not a good attitude. Or equally, if she doesn't understand that this reaction may be due to SN, that's not great.

I would expect an adult with no SN to be the one to do the smoothing-over in this situation.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/04/2014 10:47

lRD as op was with her dd it was up to her. Sometimes things change at the last mini ute. But mabey have a chat with your sister, as I don't think your family is taking your dd SN seriously, she might be of the ilk that there is nothing wrong and your overreacting.

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