to think this was a horrible way to treat DD?

[InHerShoes]

DD was invited to stay over at her Aunt's house with her younger cousins who she adores. She stayed Friday night, came out with us for the day yesterday and was also invited to stay Saturday (we live very locally). She talked of nothing else all day, had left all her bedding and clothes round there and was so excited.

At tea time yesterday we were on our way round when my sister phoned and said her own DD1 (4) was tired and it was late (it was 5.30) and could we just forget it. My DD started crying and my sister could hear her, and was very dismissive in an 'ofgs she needs to get over it' way.

DD cried until bedtime. We have to go and play Happy Easter Families this afternoon so I need to strap on my best smile and get the fuck over it but I'm so upset for her. There was a real attitude of oh well, she's a big girl and it doesn't matter.

DD has some mild SN/behavioural issues, so stuff like this knocks her for six. She is an angel for other people, and treats like sleepovers and special shopping trips are really good for her. I should say my family don't particularly believe in her SN, they like to blame my parenting as she is so well behaved for them.

I would like to add that DD was INVITED, we didn't ask and neither did she, and we were never told that she had to be round there at a specific time so cancelling at 5.30 because it was too late just blindsided us, and left us with a raging tearful child who thought she was being punished.

AIBU? And shoudl I say something (maybe not today)?

YABU and overreacting.

I think yabu in afraid.

Yes your sister could have perhaps been a bit nicer about it, spike to her on the phone and been a bit more sympathetic but surely it's understandable she puts her dd first? She's four! Presumably she got that little bit too knackered and she decided enough was enough. You were seeing them again it was just the night she didn't stay over.

Are you telling me that if your dd was having a hard time or was by in a position to play with or have anyone over you wouldn't cancel?

This happens, life happens, no one sets out to deliberately let people down.

OP, get real. You are seriously making out that your sister invites your DD round because your DD is such a big help to her!? Come on now.

Your DD does need to learn how to get over it. It is your job to manage disappointment. She had just spent ana night and a morning there. Niece is probably knackered as she's 4 and had a sleep over. COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE. Both children were obviously grumpy because of the lack of sleep by 530, given your DD's subsequent behaviour. They needed a night's sleep before a family do. COMPLETELY REASONABLE.

Also, stop saying one thing then backtracking when you're told YABU. You said your DD spent the night having a meltdown, then she didn't. You said you sister hard your DD having a meltdown in the car and said "get over it" then you say she cancelled the sleepover and you simply said "oh that's a shame, see you tomorrow" so how did your sister hear the tantrum etc?

I would suggest your DD is like this because she gets it from you. You are being so ridiculous.

In her shoes , next time don't post in aibu, you are not but people without children with sn will not agree. My dd is nine and has autism she would be inconsolable if the same situation happened to her. She cannot understand change or deal with disappointment . I hope your dd feels ok now and you were able to cheer her up .

yes, the sister is typical of people with easy-going, un-neurotic, no SEN kids. They do not understand.
anyway, always keep promises iis universal
YANBU

yes, coconutty, i agree

esp if you have a sensitive child who is going to be upset by the news

So op since you knew she uses your dd so she can get lie ins why do you allow your dd to stay over??
You sound like such a drama queen.

there are sometimes very good reasons to break a promise of a visit, such as illness, or indeed an over-tired 4 year old who needs some quiet time before an early bed. It was entirely reasonable of the sister to put her child's needs first, but very sad the OPs DD reacted in such a bad way. Maybe the OP has forgotten what young children can be like when they are overtired and how stressful this can be for their parents? Plus, DSis has more than one child under 4 and probably needs a quiet night herself

YABU. And dare I say that now might be a good time to consider that she is better behaved for relatives precisely because they have higher expectations of her level of maturity?

Christ, full of fucking Easter spirit you lot aren't you?

Poor OP. I completely get where you're coming from. I have two children- one with no SN who's a teenager and a smaller one who has significant SEN and ADD. BOTH would have been upset at this late cancelling of a much anticipated treat. Hell, I'd have been disappointed!

With children you CANT promise things like this and then just blithely cancel them with no decent reason. Even if it was the last thing on earth that I'd fancied, if I had promised my niece and it was actually my suggestion , then why would I cancel? Because my own kid was tired? Awww. Shame.

And the OP has stated that her DD has difficulties. Just makes it worse.

There are some nasty tossers on this thread who are just enjoying the pile in without pausing to engage their brains and understand that yes, actually, this would be crushing for a little girl and no, you don't cancel plans last minute without a good reason.

I'd hide the thread OP. You might contract tosser- itis from some of the folk on here

A kid of 10 is old enough to realise the world doesnt revolve around their wants

I agree.

But factor in SN and feeling disappointed and what do you expect? A small shrug and a ' never mind? '

If she was still creating this time today then yes, I'd get that. But one evening? Normal.

What isn't normal is how ineffective MNHQ's campaign about SN children obviously was in educating people what life can be like for some parents.

"Seriously? And with you having children with SNs, I would have thought you'd at least understand that some children simply DON'T have the emotional control to deal with that. My 7yo doesn't. He would literally fall apart, complete meltdown"

The OP describes her DD as "having some SN", as I said my youngest has moderate/severe attends a SEN school. It took a lot to build this understanding but at 10, with support she would be able to process this.

What were issues at 7, weren't at 10, but they were replaced with other issues.

The Sis isn't out of order for wanting to cancel, it just needed handling differently.

It sounds as both the OP and Sis over committed themselves to start with. I wouldn't of commuted to either of my children with SN making consecutive plans until they could manage change/over excitement better.

It is worth discussing it and it not happening again, but it shouldn't spoil the day, today.

Also, the Sis shouldn't give the needs of her family second priority because her Niece has SN.

The OP should of not told the DD as the call was taking place.

Having strategies in place for different possible scenarios is helpful.

As is talking about scenarios and possibly using books, soft ware etc to enable understanding.

How a parent handles each issue makes a huge difference, SN or not.

It wasn't 'a much anticipated treat' though, was it?

It was a proposed 2nd night sleepover, hot on the heels of a sleepover the night before.

I'm another that would question why you would tell your daughter (who you knew would have an extreme reaction), in the way you did.
Why not get off the phone first and then explain the changed plans in an appropriate way?

I don't think YABU. I don't think your sister should have invited her over again, got her all excited, then withdrawn the offer at the last minute. But i do think 5.30 is late to go round with such young children. My four year old goes to bed at 6.30, and at 5.30 I'd be thinking about settling her down for a 6 O'Clock bed if she'd had a sleepover the night before. It doesn't sound as though your sister was being particularly nice on the phone when she heard your dd crying, and if you're over reacting then I'd be even worse as I probably wouldn't go round today.

And I've got small children, and having a 10 year old girl afround is amazingly helpful (we've got an older niece), so YABU to the person who said "get real".

Can understand why your sister cancelled, but can also understand why you're upset.

Im confused

My DD started crying and my sister could hear her, and was very dismissive in an 'ofgs she needs to get over it' way.

I said, 'oh dear, that's a shame, never mind we'll see you tomorrow' and then comforted DD and reiterated that we'd see them all tomorrow and we'd have a nice night at home.

So you think she was BU saying (rightly but in a blunt way) she needs to get over it, then you gave that sweetey pie 'never mind' response even though you now think shes an evil bitch?

FWIW I would prioritize the needs of a 4 year old before what a 10 year old wants as well, sn or not your DD lives in the real world and will need to learn to cope with things.

YABU. And dare I say that now might be a good time to consider that she is better behaved for relatives precisely because they have higher expectations of her level of maturity?

It doesn't quite work like that saucy. Quite often kids with SN, particularly on the higher functioning end of the autistic spectrum, put I. Huge effort to cope outside the home and meltdown when they get home to feel safe.

No, I don't know if that's the case there, but try not to sound so much like a knob, eh? It's not pretty.

My god people are being harsh on here!! OP I am with you on this one and would have reacted the same way and feel the same about it.

I hate it when people just flake out on plans that involve DC.

Yes, I can see why your sister might have thought a second sleepover didn't matter much, I can see why she might have thought her DD being tired meant it wasn't a great idea. But that's not the point - she'd told your DD it was on, she invited her and then she pulled the rug out from under her. Grrr.

She could have made an effort to be nice to your DD and have aunty time with her as an older child, as someone else said. She could at least have made up an impressive excuse and an alternative plan.

I'm probably still smarting because a friend did something similar to me over easter plans with my DC. It wasn't so much that she couldn't make it - I know things come up. It was the "meh, I can't be arsed after all" attitude. I can handle that - but my DC struggle because it takes time to develop that resilience.

(I wonder if people are more sympathetic to you if they know what it's like to have a child that would be upset by this. I have a very easily upset, anxious, mildly SN 8yo and sometimes it can be really hard explaining to people that no, he can't snap out of it, he's actually very distressed. Even typing that I know will bring some people out saying I'm pfb etc. But I've tried being firm, I am by no means a pushover, I don't spoil anyone, and I have another child who isn't like that...)

Jen, it is very true that most children rise to expectations though, and an underestimated child isn't going to decide themselves its about time they outgrew negative patterns of behaviour when the immature displays are being reinforced.
Obviously neither of us have met this child but I have witnessed children who can act age appropriate all day then loose the power of speech and resort to whiny baby splutter, or throw a tantrum about nothing in particular when a parent appears at the door.
I don't think saucy is completely off the mark by saying consider that to be the case I personally pictured 4 children in my head who I know change their emotional age when they see their parents as I read her post.

I think its a bit tight of her op. She must know your dd and what she's like. Its not always as simple as just get over it. I'd would have taken her myself even if my dd was tired, and I would have sat up with her and played some games with her, whilst my own dd went to bed, because thats what you do for family isn't it.

Fucking hell. There was a thread the other day about pushing a campaign to raise awareness about invisible disabilities.

The OP clearly mentioned the child had SEN yet there are posters on here judging a child's behaviour against a typical ten year old.

So basically your sister couldn't be arsed to have her over and blew her off?

YANBU. I hope your DD is ok now and you've all had a good day.

Jesus, whoateallthecremeeggs. Are you seriously suggesting my dds extra needs are because we underestimate her?

Hurrah, solved it!