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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this was a horrible way to treat DD?

169 replies

InHerShoes · 20/04/2014 09:05

DD was invited to stay over at her Aunt's house with her younger cousins who she adores. She stayed Friday night, came out with us for the day yesterday and was also invited to stay Saturday (we live very locally). She talked of nothing else all day, had left all her bedding and clothes round there and was so excited.

At tea time yesterday we were on our way round when my sister phoned and said her own DD1 (4) was tired and it was late (it was 5.30) and could we just forget it. My DD started crying and my sister could hear her, and was very dismissive in an 'ofgs she needs to get over it' way.

DD cried until bedtime. We have to go and play Happy Easter Families this afternoon so I need to strap on my best smile and get the fuck over it but I'm so upset for her. There was a real attitude of oh well, she's a big girl and it doesn't matter.

DD has some mild SN/behavioural issues, so stuff like this knocks her for six. She is an angel for other people, and treats like sleepovers and special shopping trips are really good for her. I should say my family don't particularly believe in her SN, they like to blame my parenting as she is so well behaved for them.

I would like to add that DD was INVITED, we didn't ask and neither did she, and we were never told that she had to be round there at a specific time so cancelling at 5.30 because it was too late just blindsided us, and left us with a raging tearful child who thought she was being punished.

AIBU? And shoudl I say something (maybe not today)?

OP posts:
Original poster
InHerShoes · 20/04/2014 17:58

Dd was walking next to me when I took the call by the way, it was a brief call and I was very polite until dd got the gist and started crying and I said I had to go and hung up.

OP posts:
JenBehavingBadly · 20/04/2014 18:04

Indeed whoate except in this case the girl has SN, so it's not so simple is it.

TheLadyRadishes · 20/04/2014 18:12

It often really isn't that simple. My DS (not saying he necessarily has the same SN, but as an example) can come over very, very grown-up, articulate and sensible. He's well-behaved, never deliberately "naughty" and stands out in a group of peers as being very calm and non-silly.

But faced with a trigger situation (not the kinds of things that would upset most 8yos, so seems even more baffling to others) he cries and wails and appears "babyish" and people think "why can't he snap out of it?" It's really hard and one of the hardest things is the set of completely mismatching attributes IYSWIM.

popmimiboo · 20/04/2014 18:16

Why does everyone keep insisting OP told her DD whilst on the phone anyway? A 9 year old can usually get the gist of a phone call and the DD could have easily deduced what was going on.
OP, I don't that yabu to be disappointed for DD and peed off with DSIS :-(

JohnnyBarthes · 20/04/2014 18:23

My son doesn't have any SN (aside from mild dyspraxia). He'd be disappointed but able to shrug off something like this now, but he's 13

It takes a while to build resilience - at 10 he'd have been in pieces and expecting him to get a grip would not have been remotely helpful.

OP, the upside of ds's struggling with this kind of thing is that he's (generally - he's also capable of teenage gobshitery Grin ) pretty empathetic - something of which I'm pretty damn proud.

WhoAteAllTheCremeEggs · 20/04/2014 18:47

I said to jen that I can see where saucy got her inspiration for her post and I dont think jen was fair in calling saucy a knob because this does happen in rl alot.
I think you missed where I said 'Obviously neither of us have met this child'

I do still agree with other posters that you are being a massive drama queen.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 20/04/2014 19:51

WhoAte After reading this comment of yours...

it is very true that most children rise to expectations though, and an underestimated child isn't going to decide themselves its about time they outgrew negative patterns of behaviour when the immature displays are being reinforced

and I personally pictured 4 children in my head who I know change their emotional age when they see their parents as I read her post

.... I'd suggest you take a bit of time to educate yourself about SNs. Hmm

cardibach · 20/04/2014 19:55

OK, you haven't really given much of a clue about the nature of the SN, but lets assume that your DDs reaction was because of those and therefore not unreasonable. I still think that your reaction: I need to strap on my best smile and get the fuck over it but I'm so upset for her was unreasonable. I recognise that you are upset fro your DD, but you can surely see (even if, for valid reasons, your DD can't) that your DSis' actions were sensible. She had an overtired 4 year old and the prospect of a big family day ahead. Her daughter needed a quiet, early night, and no doubt so did she. YABU to think your DSis is being 'horrible' or treating your DD in a 'shoddy' way.

frumpypigskin · 20/04/2014 20:29

I think you are being unreasonable.

It sounds very strange that you would be heading over to your sister's house after 5.30 anyway. At 4 years old my children would be having a tea, a bath and bed at this time. Not much fun for a 10 year old.

Your niece must be knackered after a sleepover the night before. I have sympathy for your sister having to try to get an exhausted 4 year old to bed without a meltdown. I wouldn't want to be entertaining a 10 year at the same time either.

You are only thinking of how it affects you and not anybody else. Where is your empathy? I understand that your daughter has SN which make coping with some social situations harder but life will still happen around your child. You have to find coping mechanisms because you can't stop these things happening to your child.

Flux700 · 20/04/2014 20:37

What are DD's SEN? If she is ASD then I think it was very inconsiderate if your sister. Otherwise, I think it's s shame to be messed around but really it's just life.

Fairenuff · 20/04/2014 20:43

What I'd like to know, OP, is what do you think your sister should have done instead, gone ahead with the sleepover with a tired, tearful four year old? How would that have been any fun for your dd? Confused

Original poster
InHerShoes · 20/04/2014 20:51

Dd has PDA, it's related to asd but different. Mainly it means she doesn't process any demands in a 'normal' way. She has some attachment issues as well so being let down is a massive deal for her.

Tbh though I think any child would feel rotten at being let down like this.

We had a lovely day today though, only slightly marred by discovering the puddle of my nail varnish she'd tipped out earlier on her bedroom carpet. Still, as that was the extent of her kick off at this I feel quite fortunate.

I really don't get why anyone is saying I've over reacted, I barely reacted other than posting here this morning. Hey ho.

OP posts:
Original poster
InHerShoes · 20/04/2014 20:53

I think my sister should have decided earlier in the day, not waited until teatime. And not suggested dd should get over it as she's a big girl. That's all.

At that time of day, if it were me, I would have considered it past the point of no return and had her regardless.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 20/04/2014 20:58

At that time of day, if it were me, I would have considered it past the point of no return and had her regardless.

Really? You would rather your dd go to a sleepover where the other child would fall asleep very early due to her tiredness. What kind of a sleepover is that?

I think you had a knee jerk reaction to this OP, I didn't really think it through before posting here. Of course your sister could have sat up on her own with your dd but where is the fun in that. Your dd would still have been disappointed.

She can hardly be expected to keep a tired four year old up to entertain your ten year old can she.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 20/04/2014 20:58

OP, What your DD's traits of PDA?

My DD has suspected Autism and I just googled PDA. My daughter struggles with expectations and shuts down if she feels under pressure, at home shes a very bouncy girl, at school shes under confident and sometimes quiet. Like she has 2 personalities. Also shes quite obsessed with things, even things that are unlikely to happen.

I understand your upset, seeing your child upset is hard, but I'm glad she had a nice day.

MrsLindor · 20/04/2014 20:58

In the scale of things it's not the big deal the OP is making it out to be, there's some very dramatic language here.

I appreciate a SN child may react differently to other DC, but an overly dramatic response from her DM won't help surely.

steff13 · 20/04/2014 21:00

I see the term "SEN" used on here all the time. What does it mean? Is it a disagnosis you get from a doctor?

WyrdByrd · 20/04/2014 21:02

Perhaps your dsis left it late because she was hoping her DD would perk up and she wouldn't have to let your DD down?

TBH I think it was all arranged a bit last minute & without much though, and your sis probably realised too late that it would be too much with a full on family get together today.

She could have been a bit more sensitive in her handling of the situation & more sympathetic to your DD though.

Probably best filed away and make sure theses things are a bit better thought out in the future.

MrsLindor · 20/04/2014 21:02

I believe it's special educational needs, which covers a wide range of conditions.

Original poster
InHerShoes · 20/04/2014 21:08

Tali, dd is Jekyll and Hyde, up until this year she was a different child at school but her behaviour at school has now deteriorated, she is a charming sweetheart at times but shuts down or melts down in response to a multitude of triggers, which change pretty much daily.

She also obsesses over people, objects and future events (no matter how unlikely ..) has some minor language difficulties (mixes up words and is very very literal) and some sensory 'quirks'.

Yes to whoever asked if it's a diagnosed thing. I do find a lot of people scoff and blame me though. As I said, ho hum.

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 20/04/2014 21:09

In the scale of things it's not the big deal the OP is making it out to be

In your opinion, of course. Hmm

Original poster
InHerShoes · 20/04/2014 21:11

Sorry if my language seems dramatic. I'm quite glad I deleted my original title which was more along the cuntychops theme...

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 20/04/2014 21:14

My eldest dd has asd and emerging bpd- at 9/10 she would have been devastated at a change of plan made at the last minute for something she had been looking forward to. I understand your feelings on this one.

Fairenuff · 20/04/2014 21:21

I understand that your dd is devasted, OP, if she has sn. Disappointment is very hard to bear. But I don't understand why you are so upset about it.

It's unfortunate but, as an adult that can deal with changes in plans, I would have thought you would accept that it has happened and just concentrate on helping your dd handle her emotions. Expecting your sister to make her own dd adapt to suit your child's needs, even though they are genuine needs, is unreasonable imo.

I would tell your dd that, yes it's very sad that it had to be cancelled but these things happen sometime and it's ok. It's ok for her to be upset about it but, with a little time, she will start to feel better. Then I would find an activity to distract her.

I certainly wouldn't blame my sister or make it into a big issue between you. If you fall out with her, your dd won't be able to enjoy future sleepovers, which would be a shame.

MrsLindor · 20/04/2014 21:21

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore We're all posting our own opinions surely.