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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my mil behaved a little oddly today

208 replies

chocoholic05 · 13/04/2014 14:12

My mil turned up today which was embarrassing enough for me as I've been unwell with a heavy cold and I've let the house go this week. Anyway she said to me if you need us to take the boys off your hands for a couple of hours while you do your homework let us know and we'll take them to (name of local country park) for a couple of hours. Not tomorrow though as we are out. I said that's kind thank you but I haven't got any homework this holidays. She then said well if you want a break from them then. I said thankyou will do. She then turned to my six year old and said would you like ti go to xxx next week with grandma and grandad. Yes he said well give us a ring and well take you and you can bring your bikes. Don't forget ds1 and ds2 give us a ring bye! And off they went. Now all this was said while stood right next to me and neither of my boys have ever rung their grandma and grandad or shown any inclination too. Also my du has Thursday off. And Monday to Wednesday doing reduced hours of 8-3. Why would I need a break?

OP posts:

thebody · 13/04/2014 18:31

So if there's a back story then maybe you have a point but if it's just as per the op then the mil is not guilty.

thebody · 13/04/2014 18:33

pudcat I swear I hope my dds get married but my dss stay single.

I don't think I could cope. My mil was lovely, just a normal woman. I suppose I could have analysed every word/move she made but quite frankly that's wierd.

fluffyraggies · 13/04/2014 18:35

So if there's a back story then maybe you have a point but if it's just as per the op then the mil is not guilty.

That's it then, sorted! Thread over. Next!

CharlieSierra · 13/04/2014 18:39

I swear I hope my dds get married but my dss stay single

Quite thankful one of mine is gay, when he and his DP come to stay it's just an extra lovely young man around.

thebody · 13/04/2014 18:41

fluffy

Charlie how lovely and must say never thought of that one!

pigsDOfly · 13/04/2014 18:43

Poor bloody MIL has to walk around on eggshells by the sound of it.

You sound such hard work OP that she's probably terrified of offending you by putting a direct request to take her DGC out, so she puts it in a way that she hopes you will find acceptable, ie she asks you if you need a break.

Cut the poor woman some slack and stop seeing offence where non is intended. She sounds lovely.

HelloBoys · 13/04/2014 18:43

I've read the initial post through again and I still don't see what MIL has done wrong at all. Drop by unannounced? Perhaps? Drop by when OP has been ill? Maybe? OP are you the type of person who prefers notice before someone pops round and also prefers to have a tidy house ready?

Is MIL critical re above? That's really what else I can deduce, see above. Nothing wrong with that at all, we're all different.

HelloBoys · 13/04/2014 18:45

By nothing wrong I meant by wanting notice when people drop by and having a tidy house for guests too.

CPtart · 13/04/2014 19:38

Nobody ever took my DC to give me a break.
You're very lucky.

DoJo · 13/04/2014 20:09

It sounds like she wants to spend time with them and thought that you weren't keen in case you were putting her out. When she offered to take them so that you could do your homework, you said you had no homework. When she said she would be happy to give you a break, you were non-committal. She wants to see them - if she can help you out in the process, then that's great, but you basically said 'I don't need you to help out'. She's keen to see them anyway, and the 'helping out' aspect was just a secondary reason/something to work around if you had days when it would be more useful to take them. I don't think there is anything odd about the way she behaved, but your reaction was not only odd, but a bit rude and ungracious.

She wants to see her grandchildren. She would happily arrange her time with them around you if there is a day that would work better for you. She addresses the children when the arrangements concern them. There is nothing odd about any of this.

Nanny0gg · 13/04/2014 20:20

There is nothing odd about any of this

Except the total lack of information from the OP.

BethCalavicci · 13/04/2014 20:59

Not read all the thread, sorry! I think YANBU and YABU
You're being unreasonable in that your MIL just wants to spend time with her grandchildren, and in the meantime is giving you a couple of free hours (are you mad? Grab it with both hands! )
On the other hand, it would MASSIVELY piss me off if after you've said "no, or we'll see" or whatever and been non committal for any reason for MIL to turn around to the kids and say "but you'd love to come over wouldn't you? Would you like to come over to Granny's?"
It's going over your head and undermining you as a parent. It happens to me and it is INFURIATING.

cjelh · 13/04/2014 21:10

Beth it wasn't undermining. OP said she didn't have homework. MIL asked boys if they'd like to go sometime. there was no arranging behind her back. she left it very open for it to be arranged at a time that was suitable to OP. Unless she wanted to be stroppy and never let them go out together?

WTAF · 13/04/2014 22:33

You do sound hard work I'm afraid.

My parents do this too, want to spend time with DS but instead of asking, they word it like its a favour to me. I don't care a bit. At the end of the day, DS gets his fun day out with them, they get the joy of time with him, and I get the joy of time without him Win-win. To quibble over the wording of the initial request seems petty and whiney to me. Enjoy the break and be grateful!

Legologgo · 13/04/2014 22:37

Agre. Op you sound a cow

BethCalavicci · 13/04/2014 23:01

OP said she didn't have homework. MIL asked boys if they'd like to go sometime
Regardless of whether OP had homework or not, the fact is that she said she'd let her know.
To turn around to the grandchildren and ask what they want to do after the parents have not said either way is bloody rude.
Because if granny's going to say "but YOU want to come over, don't you, DS?" to the child then of course they're going to to say yes.
Which is out of order if parents have said they might not be able to.

TheSkiingGardener · 13/04/2014 23:18

I get it OP. My parents do the same. Everything has to be done in such a way that I owe them a favour back for it. Nothing is ever, ever, ever done because they actually want to, it's always for me. Even if it's inconvenient, or just not something that's needed.

I now call them on it. " it's lovely off you to offer to take the children while I do x, but actually we've got that covered. However, if you want to see the kids, just let me know and we'll sort out a time that's convenient for you".

They can't cope with this and then spend about an hour blustering about it not being about them. When they get over themselves we sort out a time.

It may sound ridiculous but it's about control, and power. I don't want to control them but I will not have them putting me in their permanent dent for stuff they want to do.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/04/2014 23:27

Jesus, it's just the way people word things, SkiingGardener (and others), especially people of our parents' generation! If you want to read ulterior motives into it, you go right ahead. But you'll end up coming across as paranoid and, well, a bit wierd.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 13/04/2014 23:32

I hate it when people ask ds to do things directly. We don't live in the same city and my 7 year old can't get anywhere under his own steam.

Your mil could simply have asked to see the kids without being such a martyr. If it's odd because it doesn't happen very often, then I can see why its strange for her to do it in this way. We get negligible support but on the twice my DM has has my ds she has said its good you can rest. Both times I was working but she simply won't have it. In her mind she babysat so I could rest ( and I'm sure she has made it known ).

I agree with the pp. She sounds like she might need to help out to be doing a favour rather than spending time with her gcs.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 13/04/2014 23:35

The generation thing works both ways. I can only answer the question that has been asked. Exhausting to decipher was was meant. Oh is his family liaison.

ladymariner · 14/04/2014 00:08

Op you sound such hard work, do you overthink everything your MIL does or just this time? I feel sorry for her, she was trying to be nice....how dare she??

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/04/2014 00:12

You're being a bit weird about it.

Ludways · 14/04/2014 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PavlovtheCat · 14/04/2014 00:20

ludways that's a personal attack. By all means disagree with the OP, but name calling is not on. FFS.

MontyDonnsgirl · 14/04/2014 00:23

How very odd. I have four sons and right now I'm hoping that they're all gay or taking religious orders. Or both. Being a MIL sounds shit.

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