to think my mil behaved a little oddly today

[chocoholic05]

My mil turned up today which was embarrassing enough for me as I've been unwell with a heavy cold and I've let the house go this week. Anyway she said to me if you need us to take the boys off your hands for a couple of hours while you do your homework let us know and we'll take them to (name of local country park) for a couple of hours. Not tomorrow though as we are out. I said that's kind thank you but I haven't got any homework this holidays. She then said well if you want a break from them then. I said thankyou will do. She then turned to my six year old and said would you like ti go to xxx next week with grandma and grandad. Yes he said well give us a ring and well take you and you can bring your bikes. Don't forget ds1 and ds2 give us a ring bye! And off they went. Now all this was said while stood right next to me and neither of my boys have ever rung their grandma and grandad or shown any inclination too. Also my du has Thursday off. And Monday to Wednesday doing reduced hours of 8-3. Why would I need a break?

BADIDEA> I have read OP several times and MIL specifically asked dcs after OP had said it was ok to do something with them in the holidays. She then left days,dates and times for OP to sort out when suited her and very kindly left it for them to let her know when. maybe she even said a general 'give us a ring' to include OP.

There is nothing odd here and if you think that only two adults should have close relationships with dc, then they are being deprived of so much.
I don't understand why you barf. peoples minds should be open to good family relationships and not think they are the first people to parent.

I agree, cjelh. There seems to be something common to all those who are moaning that inlaws helping is passive aggressive and for their own benefit only. Not one of these people mention about the benefit TO THE CHILDREN. It seems to me that to these people, whatever action the grandparents take has to benefit the parents first and foremost otherwise it is not worthy enough. Please, could some of you just try and recognise that your children benefit (generally) from the grandparent/grandchild relationship - it doesn't always have to be about you.

You are so lucky to have willing help from mil, who recognises that you may need a break. What the heck could she have done better? YABVU

See you are all quoting the OP as having agreed before she asked the son. I read it as "yes will bear in mind your offer" eg we'll see, and therefore i view then asking the child in front of her as manipulative. Bit like me saying yes, yes when i get the constant "if you need anything", it is an acknowledgement of the offer and more polite than saying no, over and over and over, which wears you down.

curlyhairedassassin, my children are two young to benefit at the moment, when i asked my 2yo if she wanted to go see them yesterday she said no, and i had to stay for half an hour for her to stop clinging to me and be distracted enough for me to slip out. This is a confident, outgoing toddler who runs into nursery with barely a wave goodbye.

Also, i am not saying that in laws helping is passive aggressive in general, simply that my particular MIL offering to "help" is only looking after her own interests in that it is not because they genuinely want to help out but because they want to impose yet another visit against our wishes, so they dress it up as being helpful. After i say no to their "helpful" offers they inevitably start coming up with things they need us to help them with, again with the sole aim of us having to add an extra visit. Of course we cant turn down requests for us to help them , that would be rude, especially in light of how willing they are to "help" us with things we don't want or need or ask for

I can't understand why people get surprised and put out when grandparents want to spend time with their grandchildren. Haven't they always?

In answer to some of these posts - it could well be that they are feeling shut out perhaps? Dunno. If I had had that sort of help when my DCs were younger, I would have bit their hand off. I had no help with anything - and here are offers of ironing, gardening, cooking, cleaning car. My goodness.

I do understand if it is feeling overwhelmed with the offers but there is another end of the spectrum - no help whatsoever, and it's hard for those in that camp (me!) to get what the problem is. Neither my parents or my ILs ever ever looked after my DC - not even once, despite hints from me -so I am just blardy jealous. (hang on, I tell a lie, there was one day just the once and that was only because we had won tickets to Wimbledon semi finals )

Yes, there needs to be a middle road but you should also be grateful for all these offers of help.

And it's just so depressing that adult human beings have jump through these undignified hoops to spend time with their grandchildren "please can I? I'll do lots of stuff for you, honestly-I'll do your gardening, wash your car......"

roussette yes, that was the opposite camp i was talking about!

martorana I don't want them to jump through undignified hoops, we don't want or need them to do our gardening or clean our car, that's the point, the only people benefitting from these self serving generous offers of "help" are they, it is the dressing it up as a favour that is irritating. If only they WOULD say please can i take the children and be honest about it, they might actually get what they want, but they wouldn't be able to dress it up as a favour

Curly If you read my posts that nots remotely what I said. I made it clear that I am very happy for my DC to spend time with their GPs, I am less happy for it to be done under the guise of helping when in fact it is less helpful than when they hadn't done it. But as someone said upthread if you don't have parents like that, it's hard to understand it. It is incredibly galling to listen to your parents go on and on about how much they "help" you, when in fact that "help" generally inconveniences you and is no help at all.

Bedraggled that's me! It is hard for me to understand really it is but I get that I am in the opposite camp!

On the 'dressing it up as a favour', I just wonder if they feel they are treading on eggshells? (I don't mean this rudely). I just wonder if people in this situ could sit down with their ILs and say 'look, we really don't need any help. I promise we will ask you if we do. But howzabout you see the GC every other Thursday for the afternoon, would that suit?'

I am just wondering if they sense they irritate you and just are making it worse with their offers (i.e. they don't know how else to ask) but think they are doing the right thing. I am all for laying cards on the table and telling it like it is.

Yes the 'help' I have had is at times the very opposite.
Emptying 'empty' plant pots into garden waste that had bulbs in. Emptying plant pots that had tree seedlings. Tipping a full bag of compost (that was used for potting up) into a flower bed and thus creating a new litter tray for neighbourhood cats.
Digging up plants they have decided are unhealthy without checking.
Throwing all garden toys (ride ons included) into flower beds to mow lawn- squashing flowers.
Taken dirty laundry from the house without checking first (I was looking for something to wash and couldn't find it)

My patents were never fortunate enough to have help so I do know its difficult on the other side.

However, I don't want my inlaws to 'jump through hoops' and I urge them to just play with the kids/take them for a walk/sit and have a coffee.

I don't understand the treading on egg shells thing. Even with ILS, I've known them since I was a child - for 30 years. I just don't think communication between respectful adults needs to that complicated. I fully appreciate it may be because I am direct. I am polite but say what I mean, there isn't subtext and I don't get in a huff. I'm not in the least bit volatile. I've been in the 'it's OK to ask and its OK for the other person to say no camp' as long as they have known me.

I think in my case both DMS may have communicated with their ILS in this way. There was also a reverential respect expected due to an older generation that doesn't really exist now. Neither DM worked, it's OK to disagree and still get along. It happens all the time in work.

Both sides have this deluded help concept. I agree with red, unless you have experienced it you may not be able to understand.

"I don't understand the treading on egg shells thing."

You would if you had read any MIL threads on here! If you judged by the ones on here, daughters in law are unpredictable, possessive, incredibly quick to take offence, judgemental and easily angered, and have to be handled with kid gloves. Dealing with them as a PIL must feel a bit like playing a game of Mousetrap with a toddler- you never know when the trap is going to fall- or if the person you are playing with is going to tip the board over in a temper and stomp off to their bedroom. Fortunately, in real life...........

Can't answer for others obviously but in my case (and it's my parents, not my in-laws - I don't have these issues with my in-laws )

DParents want an element of control. IF they suggest they would quite like to take the DC out this becomes (in their heads) me doing them a favour. If they can dress it up as help, they are the one doing the favour and they can control the situation (and use their "help" to call in favours later)

DParents want to be needed (this is crucial with my mother). She genuinely can't see that wanting to spend a day with her DGCs "just because" is absolutely fine and something to be enjoyed. She wants to be needed and get the buzz out of feeling that she is important. I guess this is a self esteem issue?

I said that's kind thank you but I haven't got any homework this holidays. She then said well if you want a break from them then. I said thankyou will do

Maybe she thought that your first two replies were slightly stonewalling? If you had said at that point "definitely, let's make a date", rather than, in effect, "I'll ring you if I need a break. Not.", things might have gone better!

It does sound a bit like a kind of casual acquaintance interaction - "We must do coffee sometime." "Yes, that would be great." Polite, but no real intention of follow-up.

Maybe she felt you were a bit lukewarm about the idea, (that's what comes across, tbh) and that made her involve her dgc. She's probably just v keen to spend time with them.

It sounds like you may feel judged by her, and have to be the 'perfect' parent who needs no help. Also she may have felt her offer had to be justified as help, as perhaps you never suggest they spend time together under any other circumstances?

In-law relationships can be a bit of a minefield!

Loads of senior people do actually read Mumsnet.It is all very confusing as to what the rules are and what they are 'allowed' with Dgc's.

Listen to conversations around shopping aisles...children's clothing and (whispers) heaven forbid, cakes and sweeties.Mil's especially ask advice from total strangers and then sadly put things back,as they will probably go to the charity shop , or worse, be binned.

It is no small feat to take children out,especially for older people,who love them and really want them to have a super time.Why would this be such a threat to a mother?Children are also too aware of the hidden dynamics.

It is cruel to keep stonewalling with vague promises.Just say no outings in the beginning.They will then know where they are and put money in a fund for 21 year- olds,or go on cruises.How undignified to have to jump through hoops for 'favours' as illustrated in this thread.

Sadly the grandparents who 'could not be ar..d' threads will arrive with regular monotony at Christmas and birthdays.

Op sorry that you felt so insecure when she 'turned up' and saw you feeling a bit low in your untidy house.

Why indeed, would you need help?

mrsruff

"Maybe she felt you were a bit lukewarm about the idea, (that's what comes across, tbh) and that made her involve her dgc. She's probably just v keen to spend time with them"

See - that is the point. She senses that the OP isn't keen (as she doesn't have much work on and probably (mother of all crimes) maybe likes spending time with her kids herself in her time off - and so deliberately involves the gkids with the aim of overruling 'lukewarm' mum and trying to make sure she gets what she wants.

That is not a nice thing to do - but all those people in 'the other camp' fail to see this as they just think how much they'd love to have that offer and can't see the manipulation that is going on.

And for all you wishing you had help from your MILs - I'm jealous - I wish I had none.

badidea you really wouldn't wish you had none, as much as I wouldn't have wanted constant interfering.

None means being really really hurt that they don't bother or care and I'm sure you wouldn't want that.

badidea

trying to make sure she gets what she wants.

But all she wants is a day/morning/afternoon out with her dgc. That isn't the crime of all crimes either, is it? The school holidays are probably the only time she will get, too.

-Yawn- another example of abusive, diabolical grandparenting.

Can we have a separate topic, 'All MiLs are evil'?

Why is a grandparent wanting to spend time with the dcs a bad thing. The y aren't even thinking of control or over ruling. I know some do but in this case I think people are projecting. Also if OP has been so ill that she hasn't done what she wanted in the house what would she have against having a couple of hours to catch up? The only reason I can think is that OP needs to show mil that she is in 'control' and she is in fact the one who is being manipulative.

Noone is saying all MILS are evil or that GPs shouldn't want to see their GCs. The MILs on this thread are projecting, we are talking about specific issues in our specific circumstances. Different behaviours are acceptable or appropriate in different families depending on the historic dynamic. My own mother does this, arguing the case for my MIL despite having insider knowledge of some truly heinous things she has done in the past, simply because of what she wants for herself as a grandmother. The two situations and relationships are different though. My own MIL is toxic and has alienated everyone else in her life including her own mother, and is now stifling me because she has nothing and nobody else to occupy her time. If it wasn't for the fact that FIL is a lovely man, we would have no contact at all, but even now we see them more than once a week the badgering and offers of imposition help still keep flowing. Its exhausting.

mrs ruff of course wanting to spend time with your grandchildren isn't a crime, and being a child and spending time with your granny/grandad is fab.

And if MIL had left the offer with OP, I doubt OP would have posted that MIL was behaving oddly. The direct offer to the gkids (in front of OP) is the element that OP (and I) find to be 'odd'.

And for me, I really wouldnt' be hurt if they weren't interested, DH would be, and I'd feel upset on his behalf (his brother has shown no interest in DS2 and made no effort to see him at all after his birth, until he bumped into us in town when DS2 was 4 months old - DH doesn't really get on with his brother, but I know this has hurt him).

Before I had DS1, I saw DH's folks about 2-3 times a year, and that was under duress, so to go back to that would be great - for me.

Cjelh - If my house was a mess I'd much rather family members offered to clean the house and let me take my kids somewhere fun, rather than thinking they were doing me a favour, by letting me do housework all day whilst they played in the park.

But if relations are strained with MIL would you really want her rummaging in your house?