to think my mil behaved a little oddly today

[chocoholic05]

My mil turned up today which was embarrassing enough for me as I've been unwell with a heavy cold and I've let the house go this week. Anyway she said to me if you need us to take the boys off your hands for a couple of hours while you do your homework let us know and we'll take them to (name of local country park) for a couple of hours. Not tomorrow though as we are out. I said that's kind thank you but I haven't got any homework this holidays. She then said well if you want a break from them then. I said thankyou will do. She then turned to my six year old and said would you like ti go to xxx next week with grandma and grandad. Yes he said well give us a ring and well take you and you can bring your bikes. Don't forget ds1 and ds2 give us a ring bye! And off they went. Now all this was said while stood right next to me and neither of my boys have ever rung their grandma and grandad or shown any inclination too. Also my du has Thursday off. And Monday to Wednesday doing reduced hours of 8-3. Why would I need a break?

[Livingwithminecraftaddicts]

Christ. Would she take my dc?

[Marcelinewhyareyousomean]

Bed, that's a good synopsis of why it was odd behaviour. The whole point is that is was anything but a casual request. 'I'd love to see the kids' - 'sounds lovely, thanks. Let me / OH know when is good for you.'

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

I'm sure i am projecting, but you can all be reassured that i really do have a very nasty, bigoted piece of work for a MIL!

but then the OP thought to post about it so i assume hers is not as angelic as you would all like to assume!

[badidea]

Cjelh - no I wouldn't want MIL rummaging in the house and if she had made that offer I'd have said No. I just think it odd that people think that giving you a couple of hours to tidy your house is a favour - who the hell wants to do housework as a treat?!

curly as I mentioned previously, there are three type of posters here who don't seem to 'get' the oddness mentioned by the OP - you clearly fall into the 'I would take anybody's offer to take my kids out so don't mind how that comes about, I'd simply snap their hand off'. Personally, I like spending time with my kids and don't farm them out on a regular basis - but each to their own.

And point getting all arsy just because you misused as word curly.

I've learned from my MIL how NOT to be a MIL, so any future DILs of mine will hopefully benefit from the hell I've been through.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Favour, Schmavour. Call it what you like, it was an offer for MIL and her grand kids to spend some time together. Which, unless the MIL is a downright nasty, bigoted piece I work, is a NICE THING.

Clearly, some of you are projecting, based on your experiences of a properly interfering and manipulative MIL/parent. To call the OP's MIL manipulative, based on the scant amount of information given, is madness.

Outta here, this thread is nuts, and yes - I agree with many others: I hope I never have a DIL who sees the worst in everything I do.

[Martorana]

I find it deeply depressing that people think they are doing grandparents a favour by "letting" them take their grandchildren to the park! You're not lending them a lawnmower-your children are having a nice time with people who love them.

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

Can someone send curly a dictionary. Favour means an act of kindness beyond that which is usual or necessary. Therefore by definition of course a favour should be to the advantage of the recipient. D'oh.

that's the whole point of this thread. The OPs MIL wanted to do something for her own benefit but dressed it up as being for OPs benefit, in two different ways after being turned down the first time. The second time she got a non-committal "we'll see" type answer, since the ball was still firmly in the OPs court as the supposed beneficiary of this act of kindness. Realising she hadn't got what she wanted she then tried to dress it up as an act of kindness to the children by addressing them directly, which i find underhanded and manipulative since OP hadn't agreed, and she hadn't got what SHE really wanted out of her "generous offer".

actually she wanted to be the recipient of the favour, the OP letting her take the boys to the park. Had she asked for it as such i am sure the OP would have said of course, and suggested a time, but then she would have had to be honest about her who was receiving the charity.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Blimey, badidea, it's true colours time. You seriously think that the only way to do you a favour is for your MIL to come and clean up all your shit like some skivvy while you trot off to the park with your kids. Absolutely gob smacked. I reiterate, the only favours that you, and other DILs who think like you , seem to Want to accept are ones that are an advantage to you and you only. Whereas I see a favour from my MIL as her treating my kids and enhancing their relationship with her.

Think I've heard it all about MILs now.

Btw, it's not really helpful for people to post about extreme MIL behaviours such as turning up twice a week and doing really unhelpful stuff in the garden or insisting on taking shirts to iron with the result that you are then put out by having to collect them.

The OP was specifically talking about a casual request to take the children out FOR A NICE TIME. If someone was trying to make arrangements with me for taking my kids out, I would consider it the height of rudeness to not give them any opportunity to fix a date and time. It's just fobbing them off and making it very obvious That you are not happy with it. The other person WOULD feel hurt and frustrated. Whoever that was.

[cjelh]

But if relations are strained with MIL would you really want her rummaging in your house?

[badidea]

mrs ruff of course wanting to spend time with your grandchildren isn't a crime, and being a child and spending time with your granny/grandad is fab.

And if MIL had left the offer with OP, I doubt OP would have posted that MIL was behaving oddly. The direct offer to the gkids (in front of OP) is the element that OP (and I) find to be 'odd'.

And for me, I really wouldnt' be hurt if they weren't interested, DH would be, and I'd feel upset on his behalf (his brother has shown no interest in DS2 and made no effort to see him at all after his birth, until he bumped into us in town when DS2 was 4 months old - DH doesn't really get on with his brother, but I know this has hurt him).

Before I had DS1, I saw DH's folks about 2-3 times a year, and that was under duress, so to go back to that would be great - for me.

Cjelh - If my house was a mess I'd much rather family members offered to clean the house and let me take my kids somewhere fun, rather than thinking they were doing me a favour, by letting me do housework all day whilst they played in the park.

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

Noone is saying all MILS are evil or that GPs shouldn't want to see their GCs. The MILs on this thread are projecting, we are talking about specific issues in our specific circumstances. Different behaviours are acceptable or appropriate in different families depending on the historic dynamic. My own mother does this, arguing the case for my MIL despite having insider knowledge of some truly heinous things she has done in the past, simply because of what she wants for herself as a grandmother. The two situations and relationships are different though. My own MIL is toxic and has alienated everyone else in her life including her own mother, and is now stifling me because she has nothing and nobody else to occupy her time. If it wasn't for the fact that FIL is a lovely man, we would have no contact at all, but even now we see them more than once a week the badgering and offers of imposition help still keep flowing. Its exhausting.

[cjelh]

Why is a grandparent wanting to spend time with the dcs a bad thing. The y aren't even thinking of control or over ruling. I know some do but in this case I think people are projecting. Also if OP has been so ill that she hasn't done what she wanted in the house what would she have against having a couple of hours to catch up? The only reason I can think is that OP needs to show mil that she is in 'control' and she is in fact the one who is being manipulative.

[ParkingFred]

-Yawn- another example of abusive, diabolical grandparenting.

Can we have a separate topic, 'All MiLs are evil'?

[MrsRuffdiamond]

badidea

trying to make sure she gets what she wants.

But all she wants is a day/morning/afternoon out with her dgc. That isn't the crime of all crimes either, is it? The school holidays are probably the only time she will get, too.

[Roussette]

badidea you really wouldn't wish you had none, as much as I wouldn't have wanted constant interfering.

None means being really really hurt that they don't bother or care and I'm sure you wouldn't want that.

[badidea]

mrsruff

"Maybe she felt you were a bit lukewarm about the idea, (that's what comes across, tbh) and that made her involve her dgc. She's probably just v keen to spend time with them"

See - that is the point. She senses that the OP isn't keen (as she doesn't have much work on and probably (mother of all crimes) maybe likes spending time with her kids herself in her time off - and so deliberately involves the gkids with the aim of overruling 'lukewarm' mum and trying to make sure she gets what she wants.

That is not a nice thing to do - but all those people in 'the other camp' fail to see this as they just think how much they'd love to have that offer and can't see the manipulation that is going on.

And for all you wishing you had help from your MILs - I'm jealous - I wish I had none.

[gotthemoononastick]

Loads of senior people do actually read Mumsnet.It is all very confusing as to what the rules are and what they are 'allowed' with Dgc's.

Listen to conversations around shopping aisles...children's clothing and (whispers) heaven forbid, cakes and sweeties.Mil's especially ask advice from total strangers and then sadly put things back,as they will probably go to the charity shop , or worse, be binned.

It is no small feat to take children out,especially for older people,who love them and really want them to have a super time.Why would this be such a threat to a mother?Children are also too aware of the hidden dynamics.

It is cruel to keep stonewalling with vague promises.Just say no outings in the beginning.They will then know where they are and put money in a fund for 21 year- olds,or go on cruises.How undignified to have to jump through hoops for 'favours' as illustrated in this thread.

Sadly the grandparents who 'could not be ar..d' threads will arrive with regular monotony at Christmas and birthdays.

Op sorry that you felt so insecure when she 'turned up' and saw you feeling a bit low in your untidy house.

Why indeed, would you need help?

[MrsRuffdiamond]

I said that's kind thank you but I haven't got any homework this holidays. She then said well if you want a break from them then. I said thankyou will do

Maybe she thought that your first two replies were slightly stonewalling? If you had said at that point "definitely, let's make a date", rather than, in effect, "I'll ring you if I need a break. Not.", things might have gone better!

It does sound a bit like a kind of casual acquaintance interaction - "We must do coffee sometime." "Yes, that would be great." Polite, but no real intention of follow-up.

Maybe she felt you were a bit lukewarm about the idea, (that's what comes across, tbh) and that made her involve her dgc. She's probably just v keen to spend time with them.

It sounds like you may feel judged by her, and have to be the 'perfect' parent who needs no help. Also she may have felt her offer had to be justified as help, as perhaps you never suggest they spend time together under any other circumstances?

In-law relationships can be a bit of a minefield!

[redskyatnight]

Can't answer for others obviously but in my case (and it's my parents, not my in-laws - I don't have these issues with my in-laws )

DParents want an element of control. IF they suggest they would quite like to take the DC out this becomes (in their heads) me doing them a favour. If they can dress it up as help, they are the one doing the favour and they can control the situation (and use their "help" to call in favours later)

DParents want to be needed (this is crucial with my mother). She genuinely can't see that wanting to spend a day with her DGCs "just because" is absolutely fine and something to be enjoyed. She wants to be needed and get the buzz out of feeling that she is important. I guess this is a self esteem issue?

[Martorana]

"I don't understand the treading on egg shells thing."

You would if you had read any MIL threads on here! If you judged by the ones on here, daughters in law are unpredictable, possessive, incredibly quick to take offence, judgemental and easily angered, and have to be handled with kid gloves. Dealing with them as a PIL must feel a bit like playing a game of Mousetrap with a toddler- you never know when the trap is going to fall- or if the person you are playing with is going to tip the board over in a temper and stomp off to their bedroom. Fortunately, in real life...........

[Marcelinewhyareyousomean]

I don't understand the treading on egg shells thing. Even with ILS, I've known them since I was a child - for 30 years. I just don't think communication between respectful adults needs to that complicated. I fully appreciate it may be because I am direct. I am polite but say what I mean, there isn't subtext and I don't get in a huff. I'm not in the least bit volatile. I've been in the 'it's OK to ask and its OK for the other person to say no camp' as long as they have known me.

I think in my case both DMS may have communicated with their ILS in this way. There was also a reverential respect expected due to an older generation that doesn't really exist now. Neither DM worked, it's OK to disagree and still get along. It happens all the time in work.

Both sides have this deluded help concept. I agree with red, unless you have experienced it you may not be able to understand.

[NightCircus]

Yes the 'help' I have had is at times the very opposite.
Emptying 'empty' plant pots into garden waste that had bulbs in. Emptying plant pots that had tree seedlings. Tipping a full bag of compost (that was used for potting up) into a flower bed and thus creating a new litter tray for neighbourhood cats.
Digging up plants they have decided are unhealthy without checking.
Throwing all garden toys (ride ons included) into flower beds to mow lawn- squashing flowers.
Taken dirty laundry from the house without checking first (I was looking for something to wash and couldn't find it)

My patents were never fortunate enough to have help so I do know its difficult on the other side.

However, I don't want my inlaws to 'jump through hoops' and I urge them to just play with the kids/take them for a walk/sit and have a coffee.

[Roussette]

Bedraggled that's me! It is hard for me to understand really it is but I get that I am in the opposite camp!

On the 'dressing it up as a favour', I just wonder if they feel they are treading on eggshells? (I don't mean this rudely). I just wonder if people in this situ could sit down with their ILs and say 'look, we really don't need any help. I promise we will ask you if we do. But howzabout you see the GC every other Thursday for the afternoon, would that suit?'

I am just wondering if they sense they irritate you and just are making it worse with their offers (i.e. they don't know how else to ask) but think they are doing the right thing. I am all for laying cards on the table and telling it like it is.

[redskyatnight]

Curly If you read my posts that nots remotely what I said. I made it clear that I am very happy for my DC to spend time with their GPs, I am less happy for it to be done under the guise of helping when in fact it is less helpful than when they hadn't done it. But as someone said upthread if you don't have parents like that, it's hard to understand it. It is incredibly galling to listen to your parents go on and on about how much they "help" you, when in fact that "help" generally inconveniences you and is no help at all.

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

roussette yes, that was the opposite camp i was talking about!

martorana I don't want them to jump through undignified hoops, we don't want or need them to do our gardening or clean our car, that's the point, the only people benefitting from these self serving generous offers of "help" are they, it is the dressing it up as a favour that is irritating. If only they WOULD say please can i take the children and be honest about it, they might actually get what they want, but they wouldn't be able to dress it up as a favour