to think my mil behaved a little oddly today

[chocoholic05]

My mil turned up today which was embarrassing enough for me as I've been unwell with a heavy cold and I've let the house go this week. Anyway she said to me if you need us to take the boys off your hands for a couple of hours while you do your homework let us know and we'll take them to (name of local country park) for a couple of hours. Not tomorrow though as we are out. I said that's kind thank you but I haven't got any homework this holidays. She then said well if you want a break from them then. I said thankyou will do. She then turned to my six year old and said would you like ti go to xxx next week with grandma and grandad. Yes he said well give us a ring and well take you and you can bring your bikes. Don't forget ds1 and ds2 give us a ring bye! And off they went. Now all this was said while stood right next to me and neither of my boys have ever rung their grandma and grandad or shown any inclination too. Also my du has Thursday off. And Monday to Wednesday doing reduced hours of 8-3. Why would I need a break?

[cjelh]

BAIDEA. OPs mil didn't arrange anything without checking. she was not controlling. She specifically made it a vague date to the children. I see so many of the mums on here controlling the dcs access to in laws in a really freaky way. It takes a village to raise a child and when some mums realise they are not the only people on the planet and horror of horrors spending time with grandparents is a good thing.

No where has op said anything about her mil controlling or going behind her back.

[cjelh]

Just re read OP and she even agreed to it BEFORE mil talked to kids.
She replied when asked 'yes will do' mil then said to dc you'd like to come out wouldn't you - sometime next week just as OP had agreed. There is even less of a problem than I thought.

[Martorana]

Bloody grandparents, wanting to take their grandchildren out for a treat during the Easter holidays. How dare they!!!

[Bedsheets4knickers]

Sounds heaven to me

[Roussette]

rousette you don't need to tread on eggshells to be a MIL, you just have to avoid being interfering, controlling and undermining and accepting that you are NOT the mother of your grandchildren and therefore you DO NOT get to make decisions regarding them.

It seems a lot of MILs are incapable of doing that and see the gkids as 'their property' to do with what they like and when and sod the parents.

Badidea Was the OP's MIL honestly like this? I don't think so.

[Martorana]

rousette- did you miss th bit where the MIL concerned said to the children "Would you like to go to x with grandma and grandad- you can bring your bikes"?

Obviously she is a controlling, overbearing bitch- I have rarely seen such a shocking example.

[Marcelinewhyareyousomean]

redsky, our childcare arrangements are a house of cards and a small slice in the middle if a working day is a pita to arrange childcare around. We re-arrange our weekend plans/ parties/clubs so that they can visit because it is important that our ds sees them. It isn't the least bit helpful of them and I don't know why the visit has to be under a helpful banner.

[Roussette]

Errr... hang on, the OP had said 'thank you, will do' meaning she would like at some point for her MIL to take the DCs out. All the MIL did was (perhaps excitedly because she was looking forward to seeing her GC) say to the children to bring their bikes and we'll have a day out. That hardly makes her a controlling overbearing bitch. You've rarely seen such a shocking example?
My goodness me, I am dreading being a MIL if you can't be excited about seeing your GC.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

mart

Are you for real?

[LoonvanBoon]

I think martorana is joking.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

I'm guessing that Mart's post was sarcastic.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I have no sense of humour today, clearly.

Sorry mart

[redskyatnight]

Thanks Marceline that's exactly what I mean! Help is only "helpful" when it is of benefit to the recipient. As you say, it's really not helpful to offer to look after the DC for only part of the day!

[Martorana]

Sorry, Alis- my irony obviously wasn't heavy enough!

[Alisvolatpropiis]

It's definitely me. One of those days.

[Fairyliz]

I understand how you feel Op as my mum used to be like this, always making out that she was 'helping' us when often it was a pita to get my children over to her.
However I came to realize that this was her way of feeling needed. She was feeling old andof no use to anyone, this way she could tell her friends how much she helped me. It sort of made her feelbetter about herself, could this be the case with you mil?

[badidea]

cjelh - if you'd read the OP's post, you'll notice that she agreed with MIL that they could take them out at some time (date/details to be arranged etc) and MIL then turned round and asked gkids about going next week.

She didn't check with OP whether next week was alright, she'd got an 'okay' for a future trip out and rather than say to OP - I was thinking next week - what do you think? And THEN speaking to the gkids about next weeks trip - she ignored OP and just invited the kids for next week with no thought to it being any good to OP at all.

You don't think that's underhand and manipulative? That's your call, and whole village to raise a child chestnut that you threw in there (will try not to barf) doesn't mean you have to sign away your parental rights - parents still get the final say in my world.

[Roussette]

oopsie sorry Mart. I've had a funny ole day and something a bit upsetting happened earlier that gave me a bit of a humour bypass wine will fix it

[Roussette]

but surely badidea, it's just nitpicky detail that - in the grand scheme of things - really does not matter. I'ts not manipulative, it's just detail and fixing the right day between them. Of course parents have the final word but talking is the key. now toddling off to get wine.

[Martorana]

It's ridiculous. It's as if grandparents are expected to submit a form in triplicate a month in advance to see their grandchildren!

[LoonvanBoon]

I think what's a bit odd - & the OP did say odd, not underhand or manipulative - is that MIL then went off without making any plans, saying the GC should 'phone her to fix things up. OP says they've never 'phoned her or shown any inclination to do so.

So now if this outing is going to be sorted out, OP's going to need to contact MIL again, or coach the kids to do the 'phone call, when it could all have been sorted out there & then. Not a big deal, granted, but a bit pointless.

OP could have been more direct herself, of course, & said - as someone suggested upthread - "Well, I don't have work to do, but if you'd like to take the children out, that would be great. When did you have in mind?" or something.

I'm guessing there are other issues here or a history of difficult communication. I do think that if MIL phrases everything in terms of her doing the OP a favour, that could be very grating. But OP hasn't given us any more info. so hard to know.

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

Badidea, sounds like we share a mil!

i think posters fall into camps based on their own situation and often cant understand the alternative. Certainly those whose PILS aren't interested in the GCs cannot understand the irritation experienced by those with passive aggressive, manipulative, overbearing types.

yes, the example in the OP is not heinous and many of you cant see a problem, but it does depend on the backstory. In my case, since my ILs moved to our town against our wishes a few months ago, I am inundated with offers of help, all of which I don't want, which are purely a way to engineer more visits. Not just childcare, offers include ironing, gardening, cooking dinner, washing car, the list is endless. It is very wearing and makes me feel like an ungrateful bitch turning down all these generous offers that we don't want or need and actually only benefit them. At one point we agreed to let her do some ironing just because we had said no to so many things in quick succession. Then we had to "pop in" with the kids for two hours the next day to collect five shirts that dh could have ironed himself in half an hour! Bit of a false economy if it was supposed to free up our time over the weekend.

I am letting them take dd1 for a couple of hours one day a week. I say letting because i always feel i have to thank them but the arrangement is for their benefit not mine!

[NightCircus]

Snap bedraggled
We see them twice a week anyway but they still want to help more and more and more.
Child care, cutting grass, laundry, DIY -the offers are constant, (in person, on phone,via text, on Facebook) and 'no' is not listened to.
In the last fortnight Mil has asked me at least 5 times over 3 different days if I want a piece of furniture in the garage building and seems to think if she wears me down I'll say 'go on then!' I don't want or have room for it just now.
It makes me feel smothered.
It's really hard to keep saying no all the time.


That's why I also homed in on the 'helping' aspect as it's not always as pleasant as it sounds. It can make you feel beholden.

[Nennypops]

Badidea, I would assume that MIL asked the children about next week rather than some vague time in the future because after next week they'll be back at school? It's pretty clear the discussion was about the current school holidays.