to think my mil behaved a little oddly today

[chocoholic05]

My mil turned up today which was embarrassing enough for me as I've been unwell with a heavy cold and I've let the house go this week. Anyway she said to me if you need us to take the boys off your hands for a couple of hours while you do your homework let us know and we'll take them to (name of local country park) for a couple of hours. Not tomorrow though as we are out. I said that's kind thank you but I haven't got any homework this holidays. She then said well if you want a break from them then. I said thankyou will do. She then turned to my six year old and said would you like ti go to xxx next week with grandma and grandad. Yes he said well give us a ring and well take you and you can bring your bikes. Don't forget ds1 and ds2 give us a ring bye! And off they went. Now all this was said while stood right next to me and neither of my boys have ever rung their grandma and grandad or shown any inclination too. Also my du has Thursday off. And Monday to Wednesday doing reduced hours of 8-3. Why would I need a break?

[Ludways]

Ooo sorry, "You're the one who talks bollocks, not your mil" is that better?

Seriously, the GM spoke directly to her GC and the DIL comes on her and slags her off behind her back and that's ok!!? FFS back at you!

[HicDraconis]

OP, I get you. Not sure anyone else does!

My MiL is incapable of asking anything directly. Everything has to be couched in a hint. If she wanted to see the boys, it had to be prefaced with her doing it as a favour to me, never just " I'd like an afternoon with my grandsons, when's good?" From her it would be "you're looking tired - I'd better take the boys next X afternoon for you".

And every time she had them for a few hours, we were then somehow made to feel like we owed her for taking them - when in fact I work full time and so was quite happy for her not to take them and for me to spend time with them!

I suspect if your MiL had just said "I'd like some time with the children, can we arrange something for next week?" You'd have said "fine" and it wouldn't be an issue. But she had to couch it in a manner that sounds like she's doing you a favour and that riled you.

And expecting your children to call them to arrange it is ludicrous!

I wondered if I had the same in-laws as TheSkiingGardener parents for a moment, but DH is an only so unlikely :)

[NadiaWadia]

homework? is that for you or the DCs?

[NadiaWadia]

Genuinely confused, not being snippy. Do some people say 'homework' to mean 'housework' then? Never heard that before if so.

[Nennypops]

I was assuming 'homework' doesn't mean 'housework', not least because OP says she had left the house go.

I don't really understand why she thinks it weird that her MIL thinks she might need a break just because she is working shorter hours. Even SAHMs need breaks sometimes. I also don't understand why the dc should only go out with their grandparents if she needs a break and not because they'd like to go out.

[Nennypops]

Let the house go, not left.

[Marcelinewhyareyousomean]

Inferring a relationship from short posts are difficult. Venting and questioning are perfectly OK things to do on a forum like mn. OP you are getting a very hard time from people. Without clarity and context it's difficult to understand your situation. Even in aibu, the personal attacks are unnecessary. If you are posing a question and require perspective from others, Chat or Relationships may filter out some of the nastier responders. Most of us will bring with us our own baggage and for those of us with il experiences at either extreme it can be hard to have perspective.

I don't understand why your mil can't say what she means instead of dressing this up as a favour. It doesn't make her a horrible person but it is annoying, probably for you both.

For you to ask the question, it must be odd. Does your mil have the dc a lot? Are arrangements usually made with you or your oh?

[Sunnydaysablazeinhope]

Wow ur mil is such a bitch! How dare she? Suggest to spend time with gdcs and heck even ask for a bloody call to speak to them on another day! What a witch.

Actually you really come off badly here op. Why don't your children call her? Ten seconds out of their lives once a week. Next time try preview eh? You won't look so daft.

[cjelh]

HICDRSACONIS. It is really really normal for dgcs to have relationships with gps without the parents involved. At what age would you expect them not to go through the parents - teenagers, uni, when they are married themselves - or do do think they are you pessessions and gm has to always do it all through you? the 3 of my dgcs who are 8 all ring/txt/fb me without going through parents. I always say we'll check with mum and dad first, but they are people themselves and not OPs possessions.

[badidea]

OP - sorry you're getting such a hard time, clearly most of these posters are either evil MILs themselves, have lovely MILs so can't imagine what you're talking about or are so desperate to get shot of their kids that they'll palm them off to anyone under any circs.

You know you're MIL was odd and that directly inviting your kids without your prior approval was wrong and I'd speak to MIL and say, happy for you to take the kids next week but in future please agree dates/visits with me BEFORE you mention it to the kids, in case there is a clash with something you dont know about (dental appt etc) and they end up getting upset.

YANBU - but 90% of the posters on this thread are.

[Roussette]

Hmmm how funny then badidea that 90% of the posters don't agree with you.

It must be so difficult being a MIL and treading on eggshells with a DIL - working hard to have a relationship with GCs yet not saying the wrong thing with a DIL. One wrong word and you're in Siberia.

To make out the MIL is odd for 'directly inviting the kids without prior approval' sounds bizarre. She was possibly excited to think she might be spending time with her GC and just chatting to them! As opposed to some evil awful underhand behaviour. And are the children so precious to get upset at Mummy saying 'no you can't go that day with Granny because you have the dentist'. Goodness me.

[Draughts]

Surely she just recognised your original response as permission to take them out. Then told the the children because she enjoys seeing the children excited about spending time with them.

It is bizarre that in some worlds this is wrong.

[slartybartfast]

i see it the same way as draughts.

[LouSend]

Reading between the lines it sounds like your relationship with your MiL is a little bit... Guarded.

I think your MiL worded the way she did because it was unspecific. "If you want a break" sounds like she's leaving it up to you "next week" an exact date and time.

My guess is she's done it this way because she suspects you wont take her up on it. She'll be disappointed but at least she can tell herself "ah well, we hadn't made firm plans."

If she'd said " I'll come over on Tuesday at 11am with a picnic and take the boys to the park with their bikes" or even "May I come over on Tuesday ..." there's a strong possibility you'd have said no.

And she'd have felt hurt and felt you didn't want her around.

It's my guess she was protecting herself while letting you know she would like to spend time with your children.

I'm betting she doesn't think you'll call.

[londonrach]

mil wants to spend time with her grandchildren and give you time off and you think her strange!

[badidea]

rousette you don't need to tread on eggshells to be a MIL, you just have to avoid being interfering, controlling and undermining and accepting that you are NOT the mother of your grandchildren and therefore you DO NOT get to make decisions regarding them.

It seems a lot of MILs are incapable of doing that and see the gkids as 'their property' to do with what they like and when and sod the parents.

Both of my sisters have lovely MILs - it's really not difficult.

[LoonvanBoon]

I agree with Marceline. It's really hard to convey tone & context in a few sentences. Can also see that if the issue is MIL couching everything as a favour to you then that could be annoying.

I'd go with TheSkiingGardener's suggestion in future. Be pleasant, polite & clear, let MIL know you don't need help (if you don't), but if she'd like to take the children out that would be lovely; & fix up a time & date.

Obviously people have different views as to when / if it's okay for GP to make arrangements directly with GC. But in this case OP has said that neither of her children has ever shown any interest in 'phoning GP, so it does seem a bit pointless for MIL to have left it with a request to GC to 'phone her.

I don't think this is necessarily a generational thing either - I know plenty of older people who are able to communicate directly & clearly.

[Marcelinewhyareyousomean]

loon and badidea, I'm with you.

Why is it up to the op to arrange this with her mil? Maybe mil could talk to her own child and they may be able to pick up the correct nuance.

My ds is 7 and doesn't arrange anything with the adults in our family. He would communicate with them at all unless we intervened. I don't know many DC his age with access to mobiles etc.

I hate pa comments directed through him. I'm not sure if that's what happened here but it does seem odd. I'd be happy to arrange direct communication with my ils. A breezy 'phone me' from mil to ds wouldn't get the ball rolling though.

badidea I think your overview of difficult, good or happy to go along for the sake of a help are probably true to experience.

Op asked if her mil was odd, she didn't call her a disgusting name.

[rinabean]

YANBU OP, my MIL isn't like this thank god but I know this kind of person. They always want you owing them. They'll twist and turn the most innocent things into part of their game. That's why she can't just ask to take them to the park, because then, in her twisted world, she'd be owing you and she can't have that. If it was just shyness or insecurity you'd know the difference, you're the one who knows her after all.

[redskyatnight]

MIL reminds me of my parents. They are taking the DC out for the day tomorrow. The conversation to enable this to happen went like this

DParents - let us know if we can help with the DC over the Easter hols

Me - thanks but we've got it covered

DParents - oh, but I'm sure it would be helpful if we could have them for one day?

Me - well, we do have something arranged, but you could have them on Tuesday if you wanted to take them out?

DParents - that would be lovely

The thing is this is not helpful to us - it requires DH to shuffle his work hours to start later because the DParents don't want the DC till 10am, then I have to drive an hour round trip to pick them up at the end of the day. It would be much simpler and easier (and the DC don't care either way) to book them into holiday club. But I agreed to the day because I know my parents want to have them, and I accept that it's probably good for the DC to spends time with their GPs.

But for months, probably years afterwards, my parents will go on and on about all they do for us and how helpful they are. They wouldn't ever just ask to take the DC out because "that would be imposing".

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Redskyatnight: They wouldn't ever just ask to take the DC out because "that would be imposing"

I wonder what gives them that idea? . You've made it very clear to us that it's hassle for YOU to have your parents take them out. I wonder whether they also have that impression and feel this is the only way they can word a request to take GC out.

Seriously, all you people on the OP's side , have you ever wondered WHY your parents or inlaws feel they have to word things a certain way? Have you considered that it may be YOUR past responses to arrangements that have made them feel they can't just ask outright? Seems very formal to me anyway to say "I would like to spend some time with my grandchildren" - sounds like they're going through a secretary! Don't your PILs ever say stuff like "I was thinking of takin the children out somewhere one day this week, do you think they'd like that? Is Wednesday ok? Would you like that, kids?" Oh, wait. That's kind of what OP's inlaws said. Only they got knocked back by the reluctance of OP to make a firm arrangements there and then. She was totally non-commital about it and I bet they just wanted to make sure it happened. Hence them suggesting the grandchildren call them as OP's reluctance comes through loud and clear and I bet they thought she wouldn't bother to ring them herself.

To be honest, OP, I think this whole situation has got blown up out of proportion in your head because you felt wrong-footed from the start when they turned up on your doorstep and you felt embarrassed about your messy house. They didn't stand a chance at making arrangements in the normal way, did they, because you were already pissed off at them.

[redskyatnight]

curlyhairedassassin They word it like that because they like to be in control.

Things are either worded as - "of course you want to do this, it is the best thing for you do to" (as in the"helping" scenario above)

Or

they just say " you will be doing this" (no consultation, no negotiation).

They've been like that my entire life. I eventually got to the point where I told them I was not organising my life round their every whim. e.g. they would say things like "we will be visiting on Saturday" and expect me to cancel any pre-existing plans and arrange my whole day around them.

Unfortunately although they now realise that I won't put up with the 2nd sort of behaviour, they have squared that in their own minds as they can't suggest things because I think it's imposing.

There is a whole world of difference between "can we come and visit sometime, what date is convenient?" and "we will be coming on Saturday, drop everything to accomodate us" and "of course we will come on Saturday, it will be so helpful for you to have us round".

My parents only do the last 2. I would be perfectly happy with the 1st (which is what my MIL does!)

[redskyatnight]

and it's not hassle for my parents to take the DC out. It is hassle for them to take them out on a day when DH and I are both working unless they take them for the whole of the working day -because it leaves us having to scrabble for childcare for the bits they won't cover.

They would have been more than welcome to have them on one of the bank holidays but they know that won't be "helpful" in the same way, so wouldn't offer.

[possiblyprecious]

I don't have any advice, but I do see where you are coming from op. It seems as if you know, based on your knowledge of your mil, that there was more to her offer than it might appear at face value. These situations are tricky to navigate because the important stuff isn't being said.

Are you wondering if there has been gossip behind your back eg about you not coping or something?

[HoldOnHoldOnSoldier]

I have 2 sons and I am dreading becoming a MIL.