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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my mil behaved a little oddly today

208 replies

chocoholic05 · 13/04/2014 14:12

My mil turned up today which was embarrassing enough for me as I've been unwell with a heavy cold and I've let the house go this week. Anyway she said to me if you need us to take the boys off your hands for a couple of hours while you do your homework let us know and we'll take them to (name of local country park) for a couple of hours. Not tomorrow though as we are out. I said that's kind thank you but I haven't got any homework this holidays. She then said well if you want a break from them then. I said thankyou will do. She then turned to my six year old and said would you like ti go to xxx next week with grandma and grandad. Yes he said well give us a ring and well take you and you can bring your bikes. Don't forget ds1 and ds2 give us a ring bye! And off they went. Now all this was said while stood right next to me and neither of my boys have ever rung their grandma and grandad or shown any inclination too. Also my du has Thursday off. And Monday to Wednesday doing reduced hours of 8-3. Why would I need a break?

OP posts:
HelloBoys · 13/04/2014 16:05

Your MIL sounds lovely OP and I really don't see much of s problem at all.

What on earth did she do wrong, really?

I don't think you like her very much.

SadOldGit · 13/04/2014 16:19

Or maybe she didnt want to impose a time on you (when you might have plans) or is aware that the children might not really want to go so leaves ball totally in your court so that if you want to take them up on the offer you ring them - can't see problem with that. Maybe I'm biased as my MIL has never taken my children anywhere (my parents do ) and would have loved this offer.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/04/2014 16:21

Baffling thread, this. Absolutely baffling. Confused

weneedtotalkaboutshriver · 13/04/2014 16:25

Oh and btw whenever I take leave of my DGS I do that stupid 'call me ' thing with hand held to my ear and thumb and little finger stuck out imitating a telephone. He's 11 months! AFAIK my DDiL has yet to take umbrage about it!

redskyatnight · 13/04/2014 17:15

I get this too (from my own parents rather than in-laws). If they take the children out it is always under the guise of "helping me out" and I am expected to feel very grateful for it. Whereas in reality it often is more a PITA than them not doing it - whilst I'm very happy for the DC's grandparents to take them out, I wish they would acknowledge they are doing it because they want to, rather than insisting it is some massive favour.

Skivvywoman · 13/04/2014 17:29

Can't see what she's done wrong!
Your DC are lucky that DGP want to take them out, I wouldn't read to much into it

ikeaismylocal · 13/04/2014 17:47

Yabvu

MIL sounds perfectly lovely.

Why would I need a break? Because you said yourself that your house is in a bit if a state, what would your kids rather, sitting around watching mum clean up? Sitting around with mum in a house that is in a state? Or going to the park with grandma whilst mum does a quick tidy up and hopefully finds time to mumsnet a bit and then coming home and spending the rest of the holiday with mum and dad?

SHe may have a different way of communcating than you but I don't think that she was rude or unreasonable.

fluffyraggies · 13/04/2014 17:53

I can see it. It is just a very subtle thing. And, forgive me OP, it hasn't been explained very well. You probably have to have the same sort of relationship to get it.

I get it because i can picture my XMIL saying it in a similar way - we did rub each other up the wrong way! My kids were the least favorite GC, and she would only very occasionally want anything to do with them. Then it was all dressed up as a grand. £££££ gesture, and i had to be simperingly grateful for her sweeping in and winding the kids up once in a blue moon.

I get on with my (new) DH's mum like a house on fire. In this situation she would have just said 'oooh fluffy let me take the girls out somewhere nice next week, i'd love that'. And i'd say yes, and that'd be that.

thebody · 13/04/2014 17:53

You sound unhinged op.

Note to self when a mil never address gc directly but go through the dil/sil

Never offer to help/have the gc as obviously that's just a bloody cheeky thing to do and massively entitled.

Maybe mils everywhere are secretly planning up kidnap every grand child.

Op here's a grip.

PansOnFire · 13/04/2014 17:54

It sounds like you only let MIL see your DSs when you need a break, so because you don't need a break you se confused.

Sometimes it's nice for GP to spend time with their DGC, regardless of whether it not mum needs a break. I have no idea why you think that because you dismissed her request to spend time with them she then asked them directly. Of course she did! She wants to see them, you seem to place very little value on their relationship so she asked them herself.

What a bitch hey?

You're odd. And YANVVVVU.

cjelh · 13/04/2014 17:54

I think an eight year old should now be having a relationship with grandparents starting to be independent of parents. I have 5 from 14 to 2years old and they all say cjelh can we have a sleepover at yours/come and paint/make cakes/walk dog/swim - whatever. they ring and oldest has me as a friend of fb. Of course I always say well you have to ask mummy and daddy lets see when you are free. But I think you are a bit touchy OP and perhaps you didn't even need to say you didn't have homework so no thanks, you could have said I don't have homework but when would you like them?

Andanotherthing123 · 13/04/2014 17:55

Your MIL asked if she could take your kids out and you said no thanks basically by telling her you didn't have any homework to do. That's maybe why she then spoke directly to your kids. If I was your MIL I'd find your attitude prickly at best. You're lucky she still wants to spend time with your kids despite the fact you seem to dislike her.

MrsCakesPremonition · 13/04/2014 17:59

She couched her first suggestion in terms that she thought would appeal to you (giving you a break) - you promptly closed down that avenue by saying you didn't need a break.

She tries again, this time using that fact that the children would like a trip to the park. She checks that the children are indeed interested in a trip. You get offended that she has asked the children.

What hoop would you like her to jump through next? Begging you on bended knee?

fluffyraggies · 13/04/2014 17:59

I would like to add that without any background info i do agree that it seems like she was just being a tiny bit clumsy, and was basically just trying to include the kids by making the offer directly to them.

thebody · 13/04/2014 18:04

Just don't get it at all. The mil offers to help out as her dil has a cold.

Mil wants to see grandchildren.

Mil talks directly to the grandchildren to see if they would like a trip.

What the fuck is the problem.?

What has she done wrong?

Totally baffled here.

Finney2 · 13/04/2014 18:08

I'll tell you what OP. When she calls and you reject her kind offer, tell her to pop round to mine and she can take my pair out for a bike ride, there's a dear.

fluffyraggies · 13/04/2014 18:09

I recon there's probably background, body. It's a tiny snippet of a convorsation without any context for us.

fluffyraggies · 13/04/2014 18:09

*conversation

badidea · 13/04/2014 18:11

I read this as Granny deliberately asking the kids in front of mum so that they do get excited and mum can't then say no. I think it's manipulative and underhand and it would piss me off tremendously. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

I was at a friends house recently for a play date and her SIL turned up and told her sons that they coudl come to hers for tea that night (big treat for them) my friend says, yes we'll arrange that sometime but not tonight, SIL says, no, I've already told my son that we can do it tonight, I'll take them now...

You could argue that was nice of SIL to offer to take the boys for tea, or you could see it as her running roughshod over friend by getting the kids to agree to something that she wanted to happen and not listening to the subtle hints my friend was giving about not wanting them to go.

As it was she took them, made no comment or observation about me being there and left with the boys and my friend felt exceptionally awkward and uncomfortable - but what could she do? The offer had been made directly to her son by SIL in front of her? Yeah, she could have said no (and I think if it happens again she would) but the repurcussions would have been distraught son all afternoon.

I'm all for addressing questions to kids directly, but I think there is an aspect to this that smacks of granny trying to blackmail mum into saying yes to something she wants to do. As fluffy says maybe you have to have been in that kind of situation to recognise it.

MinimMum · 13/04/2014 18:23

Maybe the grandma was talking to the children because that's what they do. She might think they are able to hold a conversation with her.
I can see how somebody could do this to manipulate a situation, but the OP has not given any inclination that she would have refused. So why would the grandma need to be manipulative?

CoffeeTea103 · 13/04/2014 18:24

You sound like hard work!

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 13/04/2014 18:26

I agree with nightcircus

CharlieSierra · 13/04/2014 18:28

What a depressing thread. Sorry for your MIL.

thebody · 13/04/2014 18:28

Yes fluffy I agree as that's the only way to make sense of this to be honest.

pudcat · 13/04/2014 18:30

Perhaps MIL reads the forums and is nervous about doing the right thing, because it seems MILs cannot do right at all. I took my granddaughter out today with 30mins notice. Should I now be worried that my DIL thinks I am imposing, or that I think she needs a break, or I can give her daughter a better time than she can.