to think my mil behaved a little oddly today

[chocoholic05]

My mil turned up today which was embarrassing enough for me as I've been unwell with a heavy cold and I've let the house go this week. Anyway she said to me if you need us to take the boys off your hands for a couple of hours while you do your homework let us know and we'll take them to (name of local country park) for a couple of hours. Not tomorrow though as we are out. I said that's kind thank you but I haven't got any homework this holidays. She then said well if you want a break from them then. I said thankyou will do. She then turned to my six year old and said would you like ti go to xxx next week with grandma and grandad. Yes he said well give us a ring and well take you and you can bring your bikes. Don't forget ds1 and ds2 give us a ring bye! And off they went. Now all this was said while stood right next to me and neither of my boys have ever rung their grandma and grandad or shown any inclination too. Also my du has Thursday off. And Monday to Wednesday doing reduced hours of 8-3. Why would I need a break?

[UncleT]

I really don't see a problem here. Sounds like she could probably never do the right thing.

[drudgewithagrudge]

It's hell being a MIL. You have to weigh up every word you say in case you offend DIL.

Whatever you do is wrong.

[NightCircus]

I expect OP would be fine if she just said 'can we take the DC out for the day?'
That is a straightforward request. I think the interesting question is why does MIL not seem able to do this?

[Morgause]

Not seeing the problem.

Inventing reasons to hate the MiL seems common on MN.

[BuzzardBird]

I would burn the house down and move under a protection order. If only my DM would just once show any sign that she would like to spend time with my DD.

[EBearhug]

Have you spoken to MIL and told her you would actually prefer it if she just asked to spend a day with them? Point out that the way she was asking the children makes you feel manipulated (it's important that you feel manipulated, rather than saying she is manipulative, IFSWIM). You're happy for her to arrange to spend time with them, but you'd rather it was done in a more open way.

(Of course, if you're not happy for her to arrange time to spend with them, that's a whole different matter.)

[fuckoffbeaker]

I find the dismissing of these valuable family relationships on MN depressing.


me too, very depressing. It's like the mother is saying sod whats best for the kids, I will be childish and petty just because I can. What an example. The more love in a childs life from a variety of sources can only benefit them imo.

[NightCircus]

Ok put it in a job context

Let me know if you want me to take your client out for lunch so you can catch up with your work
No I'm okay work wise/on top of things
Oh well let me know if you're tired/stressed
No I'm fine

Then to client
Maybe it would be good if we met over lunch

It's a very indirect way of communicating. Help is not help when it's not wanted.

[NightCircus]

Again the caveat is that this assumes that OP would be happy with an open request. Of course it's good for children to have relationships with their grandparents.

[PublicEnemyNumeroUno]

I'm struggling to see how this is odd?

[NightCircus]

No reason given in the thread

[chocoholic05]

I would!!! That's why I found it odd!

[ScrambledSmegs]

But... but... what is the problem then?

I'm so confused by this thread.

[Feminine]

you don't really want her to have them do you?

[Nanny0gg]

It would help, OP, If you could explain your POV in slightly more detail.

Please.

[Pigletin]

Jees, OP, just looking for reasons to start a thread or what? I think you are the odd one here...so what if she didn't ask you in a direct manner??

[chocoholic05]

Perhaps you had to be there to understand. It's the way afte I said I don't have any homework she immediately involved the children asked them direct. Also there has to be a reason couldnt just ask.

[slartybartfast]

at least she asked you first?
my dm loves to have mine, or did in the past, before they were teens , no she sitll does, and she asks them personally too unfortunately they are not always polite to her

[NightCircus]

Scenario 1
Could I take the grandchildren out for the day?
OP yes
Everyone happy
DC have day out with grandchildren
OP may enjoy a break or catch up on housework but this is incidental and not the reason for the day out.

Scenario 2
The request is couched in judgements about OP needing to do housework.
OP feels offended.
MIL wants the glory of being a helper and to retain status as overall capable mother figure in addition to desire to spend time with grandchildren.
It is this status issue which prevents MIL wanting to ask OP directly- that would put her below OP in the hierarchy.

OP digs heels in and doesn't jump at offer as it comes with a slight.
MIL digs heels in and chooses to go via DC to get what she wants.

OP feels aggrieved that MIL wouldn't just ask and in doing so recognise OP as gatekeeper of her family. OP wants and is happy for the MIL/DC relationship to be good.

Resolution-
OP says to MIL 'I'm sure you'd both really enjoy a day out with DC, they're at lovely ages and are wonderful to spend time with. I'm sure DC would love a day out with you. Just ask me if you'd like to arrange a date and we'll sort something out. It's best to check with me first in case we have something on'