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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and ungrateful to hate MIL bringing food when she comes over

158 replies

RedPencilPot · 11/04/2014 15:20

I've told her as diplomatically as possible that I do my shopping weekly and plan what the family will be eating.

She comes over about twice a month to look after ds whilst we are at work. I always leave food for him but shoe always insists on cooking as she wants to give him 'fresh' food. The things I leave are dinners that I have cooked and then frozen in baby portions at the weekend.

This will really sound bad but her cooking and mine are very different I'm not better, she's not better we are just different. She likes mince, meat, potato type things whereas I don't. I like rice, salad, chicken type dishes.

AIBU to feel undermined? It's happened again today, I'm home early and the dinner I left is still in the fridge and baby got something 'freshly cooked'.

I really don't know what to say.

She is doing us a massive favour by looking after ds, I know this but we don't just get on well generally.

Every time she comes over she has to invite someone to come and keep her company, this bugs the heck out of me, please tell me if I'm sounding precious but I don't like not knowing who will be in my house when I get home.

It's the end of term thank goodness, I must sound v highly strung.

Am ready for a flamingSad

My own mum says just accept it graciously and say nothing- is she right? I'm crap at hiding my annoyance.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 11/04/2014 15:22

Yes I think your Mum is right

angelohsodelight · 11/04/2014 15:24

She shouldn't be inviting other people to your house, that's bang out of order.

riskit4abiskit · 11/04/2014 15:25

Yabu sorry but I can see how it would be annoying! Think of it as saving you money as your freezer meals will last longer and dc get to try things you wouldn't cook?

Having a random person coming to your house yanbu this would wind me up something rotten as I would feel pressurised into tidying up for them. Its a bit weird too are the dc not entertainment enough? (Unless she lacks confidence with your dc? (

ExitPursuedByABear · 11/04/2014 15:26

Your mum is right.

But it would piss me off as well.

How old is your DS? Cant understand why she needs company.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 11/04/2014 15:26

I think you should let it go. If this is the most you have to complain about you are very lucky. I would assume that she is always going to cook and leave the dinner in the freezer. I personally think it is better for your child that 1) he gets freshly cooked food and 2)gets to try something different.

notthegirlnextdoor · 11/04/2014 15:27

I wouldn't

piscivorous · 11/04/2014 15:27

I can understand your frustration but I think your mum is probably right. She probably enjoys cooking for DS and feeling needed and is giving him good food. If she was feeding your DS crap food you would have a point but maybe you could take a step back on this one. Choose your battles, there's no point fighting over something so minor.

I don't think having company in your home is ok without checking with you first though.

Unfortunately there is always a cost with childcare one way or another

MOTU · 11/04/2014 15:27

If that's the worst thing she does and she babysits for free I think your mums right. Smile graciously and stop leaving food. Red meat once a week won't kill him

SlimJiminy · 11/04/2014 15:28

I think if it's only twice a month you should listen to your mum. Pick your battles and all that...

notthegirlnextdoor · 11/04/2014 15:28

Stupid phone.

I wouldn't like it either OP. You've already prepped babies food, no need for her to be making it at all. It is only a small issue but I understand why it annoys you. Strangers in the house I wouldn't stand for.

How much do you need her free childcare? Are there any other options available?

Pipparivers · 11/04/2014 15:30

YABU why does it matter what you like to eat if baby is happy and it's nutritious. I don't get the issue with someone other than MIL being in your house. What is it about that bothering you?

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 11/04/2014 15:31

Just stop leaving food for your ds those days, it's not a big deal for him to have a variety of different foods. I don't think there is anything wrong in her inviting someone over either.

Ultimately she is doing you a big favour so I would let it go. My MIL bring her own bedding when she visits including pillows and duvets (not sure what she thinks is wrong with ours) used to make me Angry but now I'm just meh about it

struggling100 · 11/04/2014 15:33

Oh gosh, I would really find that difficult too. She is trying to be helpful, but it feels quite invasive and bossy in that old-fashioned 'I know best' kind of way.

But I am afraid if you accept free childcare from her, you have to give a little. I think you may have to choose between accepting help and giving her some room to do minor things like this on her terms, and paying for childcare, where you would have more right to dictate. If she gets on your wick generally and you can afford it, the latter may turn out to be preferable in the long run!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 11/04/2014 15:33

Are you saying that something you cook from fresh (and perhaps freeze and defrost on the days she is looking after your DS) is going to waste because she cooks something herself from scratch on those days? I'd be mightily ticked off if that was the case. It is wasteful in the extreme and it makes little difference to a child if they are eating a home made lunch/dinner if it has been cooked - frozen - thawed and reheated, so long as it is nutritious and tasty.

As for having a 'friend' over each time she looks after your DS, I'd have to ask her not to do that. By all means meet up with the friend by taking your DS out of the house and into a coffee shop or wherever but your house is your house and you are quite entitled to say who can be there.

Perhaps it would be better to raise these issues through your DH as it is his mother you're talking about.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 11/04/2014 15:33

I think you are extremely luck to have a mother-in-law who is so thoughtful. I would have cut off my right arm for someone to help me - my mother-in-law was absolutely no help at all, my own Mum lived many miles away so couldn't help. Accept it graciously - it sounds as though she means it well.

I agree I wouldn't be happy about her inviting friends - I wouldn't be too comfortable about random strangers in the home - that does seem a little peculiar. Maybe a friendly chat to find out why? There may be a logical explanation for it.

formerbabe · 11/04/2014 15:35

You sound very ungrateful.

If you don't like it, pay for childcare.

vestandknickers · 11/04/2014 15:35

Just don't get the frozen portion out and then she can do her thing. It sounds as if she finds babysitting boring and wants something to do. The fact that she invites someone over also makes it sound as if she doesn't view your DS as interesting company. Maybe a chat about what he likes doing might help.

I agree with others who say that it is irritating but really not a big thing to get cross about if she's offering free childcare!

MaxPepsi · 11/04/2014 15:36

Your DS must like her food as he's eating it?? Therefore I'd leave that one alone and view it as you having back up food in the freezer and your weekly shop being a bit less sometimes.

Her inviting someone over - does she invite someone different all the time? What does your DH say?

I'm 50/50 on that score.

CoffeeTea103 · 11/04/2014 15:36

Your poor mil, to have a dil like you!
Ungrateful! And yes given that your child could have fresh food wouldn't you prefer that? Yabvvvvu

msmoss · 11/04/2014 15:38

I think you are being unreasonable about this and also quite uptight.

That said my PFB days are still not so far away that I don't get why you feel this way. Just let it go and be grateful that that's one less meal that you have to prepare.

CSIJanner · 11/04/2014 15:39

YABU with regard to the food. I think you need to grin and graciously bear the fresh food cooking. She's long after her grandchild and cooking I'm something from scratch which is lovely. Yes - the food is different but think of it as expanding your child's repitoire of food. I found ha I was cooking cimilr dishes all the time whereas when DC went to nursery, they were exposed to different dishes.

However I would say YANBU in not wanting people you don't know in your home. Why an she not meet them for a coffee at a park or go for a walk wit her friends? Wouldn't be comfortable with that either. Does she see her friends every day or does she get a touch unnnerved being alone in the house?

SuburbanRhonda · 11/04/2014 15:43

I'm with evans on this one.

If any of my relatives had offered to come over, look after my child and cook their dinner, you wouldn't have had to ask me twice.

Unless your DC doesn't like the food and doesn't eat it, I would follow your mums advice.

Not quite sure how I feel about the extra guest - maybe a bit weird, but not worth an argument over, IMO.

starfishmummy · 11/04/2014 15:47

The food thing would annoy me but I would probably just let it go - unless she was preparing something the child is allergic to.

But the friend thing is of order (unless it is someone you know well). Do you think it is because she doesn't feel confident about looking after the dc on her own?

Maria33 · 11/04/2014 15:49

I think you are being overly precious about the food. Two home cooked meals a month from Grandma is surely fine?

Her bringing a friend while babysitting does seem a little odd but maybe she finds looking after young children dull?

If you don't really get on, maybe she's playing power games and an argument is just what she's looking for? Maybe it would be best not to rise to it unless you are concerned for ds's well being?

clairealfie · 11/04/2014 15:49

So long as it's healthy food I don't see the harm, it's only twice a month. She must like doing it so I wouldn't rock the boat over something so small.

It depends how long the friends are staying, if it's all day it would bother me but if it's calling in for a coffee again I don't see the harm. It's probably healthy for your LO to interact with some different people who he's not familiar.

I get why you're annoyed, my FIL annoys me all the time. Tiny tiny little things irritate and people would think I'm pathetic but he just really grates on me.

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