AIBU and ungrateful to hate MIL bringing food when she comes over

[RedPencilPot]

I've told her as diplomatically as possible that I do my shopping weekly and plan what the family will be eating.

She comes over about twice a month to look after ds whilst we are at work. I always leave food for him but shoe always insists on cooking as she wants to give him 'fresh' food. The things I leave are dinners that I have cooked and then frozen in baby portions at the weekend.

This will really sound bad but her cooking and mine are very different I'm not better, she's not better we are just different. She likes mince, meat, potato type things whereas I don't. I like rice, salad, chicken type dishes.

AIBU to feel undermined? It's happened again today, I'm home early and the dinner I left is still in the fridge and baby got something 'freshly cooked'.

I really don't know what to say.

She is doing us a massive favour by looking after ds, I know this but we don't just get on well generally.

Every time she comes over she has to invite someone to come and keep her company, this bugs the heck out of me, please tell me if I'm sounding precious but I don't like not knowing who will be in my house when I get home.

It's the end of term thank goodness, I must sound v highly strung.

Am ready for a flaming

My own mum says just accept it graciously and say nothing- is she right? I'm crap at hiding my annoyance.

Yanbu, it would bug me too, this implication that her food is preferable to yours.

And I would definitely hate to have strangers invited in to my home when I wasn't there!

So, no, I don't think yabu, on either count.

You know what you would probably hate more op....

Running late to get home from work and panicking about being late to collect your ds from the cm/nursery!

YABU. I would also look at the dinner thing from a different angle. You say that you don't cook mince meat & potato type of meals. Isn't it good that your DS gets a different variety of foods and so gets used to these foods?

YAB so U. My MIL never, ever babysat our DC.

If you don't like what she does, then pay someone to babysit, but remember this when your DS has DC of his own and you are/n't asked to babysit.

I'd have asked her to cook a little extra for me and DH when we get in from work, my Mum would've been quite happy to do that as would I for my DS and DiL.
However threads like this really do put me off doing anything to help out for fear of doing wrong and I think lots of MiLs would feel the same.
So everyone loses out.
Then we get the threads about the GPs who won't do anything never mind the odd spot of babysitting.

I think it's positive that your son is exposed to a wide variety of food as a toddler, he is less likely to be picky. As long as its healthy, I can't see a problem.

I think I would feel a little wobbly if she was inviting random people over. Happy if it was someone I knew though.

Sorry but YABU! Your MIL makes homemade nutritious food for your DS when she looks after him twice a month. I would love if a family member did this for me. Re inviting people over, it can be a long day looking after a child alone. She maybe just wants some company.

It would annoy me if MIL was bringing food to my house to cook it - I'd prefer her to cook the contents of my fridge for DS rather than bring ingredients. If she wanted to cook mince & mash then fine, I'd get suitable stuff for her to cook. The actual cooking wouldn't annoy me.

Thanks for the offer evans - it's nice to know you care

My inlaws are hell - but no therapy is required, things are set up on my terms, as is the way it should be IMO - which is why I think if the OP doesn't like what MIL's doing, she should change to what the OP wants - if not, ditch the babysitting.

All these 'oh be grateful, your MIL is helping out that's fab' posters, they've clearly never met my MIL....

YABVU
She is doing you a massive favour. If she wants to make that favour easier on herself, by having company, then that is her prerogative. Your prerogative is to disagree with this and find alternative childcare.

The same with the food issue. Presumably she has to cook for herself and/or she enjoys it. It is actually a good thing as it will help DS accept a wider variety of food. It is not as if she is feeding him crap.

Let her get on with it her way or find alternative childcare. You can't dictate to a nursery or childminder, or when you can, you pay for the priviledge.

Its probably an elder thing. Lots do it. Why does it have to be an issue? At least she wants to bring a meal over. I am dubious about her inviting friends over, tho. I wouldn't like it. But from the way you sound she probably feels uncomfortable around your home anyway. You sound as if you want to be in competition with her. There is space for both of you in your DH's life, you know. Yes YABVU - and ungracious. Leave the woman alone. Im sure there are lots of people around who wish their DCs could have grandma looking after them on quite a regular basis especially so they can bond, but it doesn't happen. Its not all about you. Count your blessings

All these 'oh be grateful, your MIL is helping out that's fab' posters, they've clearly never met my MIL....

I think that's exactly why some of us may be saying what we are saying. I'd have been delighted to have received any help . . . . . at all .You've clearly never met my MIL
I honestly would have been grateful for one ounce of help - it never came, ever. So it makes me feel so sad to read that other posters have help and love at their fingertips, and are unable to appreciate it. I hope I am a better Mum, MIL, Friend's MIL etc, than I have ever been on the receiving end of.
And I hope all those people I'm offering love and help to don't regard me so horribly and unappreciatively.

Eeek - sorry - that last post reads a bit weirdly. I wish there was an edit button, I may have edited it
My sentiments remain, however!

The food is fine; entertaining people in your house is a bit much, though.

evans sorry you've felt a loss by not having your MILs support, but that doesn't mean the grass is always greener on the other side. In my experience I'd much rather have a disinterested MIL than one who meddles.

I have two boys and me and my DH have learnt tonnes from his parents on how NOT to be grandparents...

"I know this but we don't just get on well generally."

I think that this is the crux of the problem.

I don't know if it's been said but my MIL never had a freezer and couldn't get her head around defrosting and reheating not that she ever would have come and cooked anything from scratch it would have been a jar or a packet. My MIL came 3/4 times a year; usually for a week to make the train ticket worth it; she never lifted a finger whilst she was here. I once asked if she could come every other month for that week so I could do some consultancy and she said "no, sorry, I've just started an evening class".

When some one babysits for you ,you have to feed them so for what you have said
You get free babu sitting
You don't feed the babysitter so she brings her own food which she then shares with your child .

And you don't like it!

Pay some one and cooked food for both of them.

badidea But it doesn't seem to me as though OP's MIL has been meddling, at all! She is simply looking after her grandson, quite happily, wanting to bring him her home-cooked meals. To my mind, there is nothing wrong with that, and I would have been so thankful if my in-laws could ever have been so thoughtful.

(You are right in saying that I have learned how not to be a bad grandparent, however!!
Didn't help me at the time I needed some help, though).

Thanks for the virtual shake and kick up the bum!

I do think that IWBU and letting a very minor thing become an issue when it shouldn't!

I liked what someone said earlier that to some people food=love and I def think she is showing her love. MIL is utterly in love with grandson so for those two days a month, I going to be much more easy going and grateful.

Thanks for the wise words

YABU about the food. Yes it's annoying she isn't feeding him what you left out but she's giving him good home cooked food.
YANBU about her bringing people with her, it's understandable she wants a bit of adult company but she should be asking you if it's ok first and if you're not happy with it she shouldn't bring anyone.

That is so lovely, RedPencil - hope you continue to have a great relationship with your MIL. Good luck with it [heart]

I used to get in a sweat about some of the things my MIL did and think what does she know. Turns out she knew quite a lot. In fact enough to a rise a fantastic son who became my DH nearly 20 years ago.

She is dead now and I think of some of the battles I created and think wtf!
She loved DH, her grandchild and me so much but at times I acted like a precious arse.

I did a lot of the 'its my way or else' and the things I was moaning about, well I can't even remember. DH was stuck in the middle, loving me and loving his mum.

I know you have come back and posted but please don't be like a young me. Life's to friggin' short to have battles over mince and potatoes. Your DS has a nan who clearly lives him. Embrace that.

I think that's the right attitude OP, I should think she genuinely enjoys cooking for him, rather than she is doing it to undermine you.

Just stop getting food out for him on the days she has him and let her crack on.

I wouldn't be that bothered about the visitors either to be honest, it can be nice for babies to get fussed over and meet other people.

I think you actually do have to be willing to make reasonable compromises when a family member is giving free childcare, I don't get any and it really isn't very nice. Unless she was feeding him rubbish constantly or inviting weirdos around. What she is doing sounds rather nice.

You sound like an awesome people, OP. Sometimes it's easier to just chill and let people be.