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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and ungrateful to hate MIL bringing food when she comes over

158 replies

RedPencilPot · 11/04/2014 15:20

I've told her as diplomatically as possible that I do my shopping weekly and plan what the family will be eating.

She comes over about twice a month to look after ds whilst we are at work. I always leave food for him but shoe always insists on cooking as she wants to give him 'fresh' food. The things I leave are dinners that I have cooked and then frozen in baby portions at the weekend.

This will really sound bad but her cooking and mine are very different I'm not better, she's not better we are just different. She likes mince, meat, potato type things whereas I don't. I like rice, salad, chicken type dishes.

AIBU to feel undermined? It's happened again today, I'm home early and the dinner I left is still in the fridge and baby got something 'freshly cooked'.

I really don't know what to say.

She is doing us a massive favour by looking after ds, I know this but we don't just get on well generally.

Every time she comes over she has to invite someone to come and keep her company, this bugs the heck out of me, please tell me if I'm sounding precious but I don't like not knowing who will be in my house when I get home.

It's the end of term thank goodness, I must sound v highly strung.

Am ready for a flamingSad

My own mum says just accept it graciously and say nothing- is she right? I'm crap at hiding my annoyance.

OP posts:
AlpacaYourThings · 11/04/2014 15:52

On balance, YABU. However, this would really piss me off! It would be the food wastage and her undermining your parenting choices that wold irritate me. I'm just not sure it's worth the argument.

YANBU to tell her that she sent allowed guests whilst she's looking after your DC as that would really grate on me.

My FIL used to bring his own cup to drink from when he came to our house, apparently he doesn't like other people's cups Hmm

gertiegusset · 11/04/2014 15:53

Seriously, none of what is bothering you would bother me.
Twice a month and she is doing you a favour as well as having a nice time looking after her GC.
I'd take your Mum's advice and be grateful that your MiL cares.
As for her friend, meh, they just have a natter and drink tea and play with the baby I bet.

Universal · 11/04/2014 15:54

It's your house and your child so you DO get to choose who looks after them and how. I don't see how just because you have a MIL looking after your child you should allow her to do so as she wishes.
I would try to get along with the food issue. It seems pretty harmless and is probably done with the best if intentions.
I'm a very private person and would feel uneasy not knowing who was invited to my house and spend the day with my child. I would try and resolve this issue by saying you feel 'uneasy' and asking why it happens. Is this a conversation you need to have or will your husband speak to his mum?

gertiegusset · 11/04/2014 15:55

My kids got to know all my Mum's pals, some would go out on day trips with them and most used to send them little presents at Christmas as did my Mum to their GC.
One friend of Mum's in particular is still called Auntie Jean and my Kids are all grown up now.
It's nice to be nice.

JohnCusacksWife · 11/04/2014 15:57

You should listen to your mum and learn to be a bit more gracious.

Chocotrekkie · 11/04/2014 15:58

I would have thought it would be better for your dc to experience as many different foods as possible.

My dd loves school dinners and it's things I would never think to cook as me/DH don't like them - mash based things for example (cottage pie etc)

Having a friend over - well young children are dull for a lot of people.

It's probably good for dc to be "ignored" a bit - teaches them to play on their own. Obviously not all the time and every day.

Different people teach little ones different things.

gertiegusset · 11/04/2014 15:59

Do you know what, if I got the vibe (as a MiL myself) that you weren't happy with me having a friend round I would stop but I can see how it might sour feelings a bit, that she can't be trusted.
Maybe you could have MiL and her friend round sometimes while you are there too and get to know her a bit better.

rinabean · 11/04/2014 16:00

YANBU, it's really really rude. She's saying you're a shit mum who feeds her child stale food. That's not something you have to feel grateful for.

But I do agree with your mum that you have to put up with it if you want her to keep looking after him.

The visitors though, I think you can put your foot down on that one. Go out to the cafe and meet them with him, fine, even give her the money to go, but you can't invite people round to someone else's house, it's not on

MothershipG · 11/04/2014 16:03

There's no such thing as a free lunch Wink geddit???

This is the 'price' of her helping you out, so you either put up with it graciously or swallow the financial pain of paying for childcare. (Have I taken the food analogy far enough?)

Only you know which is the better deal.

SaucyJack · 11/04/2014 16:03

You sound a bit control-freaky on the food to me tbh. I get that you like all the planning and preparing of your son's first tastes, but it sounds as tho she does too. IMO it really wouldn't kill you to be a bit more gracious in letting her have a go in the kitchen when she's giving you free childcare. It's not even as tho she's feeding your son crap. Let it go.

YANBU on the uninvited guests in your house. I'd hate that too.

Squitten · 11/04/2014 16:04

If it makes her happy, if the kid gets fed and your food lasts a bit longer, where's the harm?! Is having a visitor really the end of the world?

Honestly, you are getting your child looked after for free and none of the above inconveniences you so I wouldn't rock the boat. I don't really understand why you would want to TBH!

diddl · 11/04/2014 16:05

I assume that she's cooking for herself as well?

That wouldn't bother me.

The inviting someone over, not ideal.

Perhaps if she needs help or wants company because she's bored, best to look for other childcare?

Sixweekstowait · 11/04/2014 16:05

What on earth do you think your mils friends are doing whilst in the house? Going through your knicker drawer/reading your post/abusing your dc? It would be better if she could just say, x is coming over for coffee is that ok? But ffs, free, reliable child care and some cooking to boot? Just be grateful!

formerbabe · 11/04/2014 16:07

U do realise she probably can't do anything right. Your 'aibu?' could just as easily read...

'My mil looks after my ds whilst I am at work but refuses to cook, so I need to pre-make and freeze food for him, and remember to take it out of freezer for her to give to him?'

MexicanSpringtime · 11/04/2014 16:07

I'm a grandmother now and I find it hard babysitting. If my daughter started saying I couldn't have a friend over or making other unreasonable rules, I would let her find another slave.

Ploppy16 · 11/04/2014 16:08

I used to get pissed off with MIL sending food parcels to us because I took it as an insult to my cooking skills and how I care for my family. Actually I look back at the bitching I did and cringe tbh, (she also looked after my older 2 for a while until we realised that it wasn't really working out and stopped by mutual consent) she's a good cook and likes feeding people. Something she doesn't get to do much now her children all have families of her own.
So she makes a batch of pies and cakes and sends them to all of us and I include it in the meal planner. I won't get anything of my own out that day, we or the DC's depending on after school or work plans will eat whatever she sends up.
Everybody wins Smile. Pick your battles, this isn't worth it IMO.

gertiegusset · 11/04/2014 16:09

Me too MexicanSpringtime, I'd just say you p'raps better get someone else in and I'll go back to seeing the GC socially as it were.

3DcAndMe · 11/04/2014 16:11

I would let the food thing go, it's good for your ds to eat a variety

But I would speak to her about visitors and say it's a no no

gertiegusset · 11/04/2014 16:12

I'm trying to think how I would react to my DD or my DiL 'putting their foot down' with me ffor the above reasons, and Lolling. Grin

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 11/04/2014 16:13

Rinabean
I don't see that the MIL is saying OP is a shit Mum who feeds her child stale food. She's probably preparing little meals excitedly, whilst looking forward to seeing her grandson the next day.

I enjoy cooking, and it becomes part of caring for someone.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 11/04/2014 16:13

YANBU

My MIL brings people over too Confused FFS ! She dosnt get asked anymore as last time her 'guests' brought beer and woke dd up.

It doesn't really matter what it is your askng her not do do in your home , the fact she is completely dismissing your request is taking the Piss.

I would be tempted to take food to her home when you were invited over and just start cooking it up, stating you prefer your own cooking. Grin

Some MIL do not understand boundaries !

RiverTam · 11/04/2014 16:15

yes, sorry, but you are. Just don't leave food out for DS and let her get on with it - and if she wants a chum over, well, I think that's fine - looking after your DS not in her own home is probably harder than you think (I don't think my mum would like to do that as a regular thing) and it's nice for her to have a friend to visit.

Honestly, I would love to have a grandma over twice a month (or be able to take DD to one of her grandmas) but distance is not on our side. Don't bite the hand that feeds you (literally!) blah blah.

WilsonFrickett · 11/04/2014 16:15

My own mother would find it a very long day to be in my house looking after a small child. There are always people dropping in and out of her house, she'd really hate to be sitting on her own all day. so I think you just have to accept that as the price you pay for free childcare.

All I have to say about the food thing is listen to your mother...

diddl · 11/04/2014 16:17

How far apart are you?

Perhaps it would be better if she does the free childcare at her house?

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 11/04/2014 16:19

Cigarettes - of course the difference being, the MIL is not being "invited" over, she is doing the OP a favour by providing childcare.