AIBU and ungrateful to hate MIL bringing food when she comes over

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I've told her as diplomatically as possible that I do my shopping weekly and plan what the family will be eating.

She comes over about twice a month to look after ds whilst we are at work. I always leave food for him but shoe always insists on cooking as she wants to give him 'fresh' food. The things I leave are dinners that I have cooked and then frozen in baby portions at the weekend.

This will really sound bad but her cooking and mine are very different I'm not better, she's not better we are just different. She likes mince, meat, potato type things whereas I don't. I like rice, salad, chicken type dishes.

AIBU to feel undermined? It's happened again today, I'm home early and the dinner I left is still in the fridge and baby got something 'freshly cooked'.

I really don't know what to say.

She is doing us a massive favour by looking after ds, I know this but we don't just get on well generally.

Every time she comes over she has to invite someone to come and keep her company, this bugs the heck out of me, please tell me if I'm sounding precious but I don't like not knowing who will be in my house when I get home.

It's the end of term thank goodness, I must sound v highly strung.

Am ready for a flaming

My own mum says just accept it graciously and say nothing- is she right? I'm crap at hiding my annoyance.

If she's babysitting for free and it's only twice a month I'd let the food thing go and just stop preparing food for him on those days, if you're working it's one less thing for you to do and if you don't normally eat that sort of food then it's exposing your child to a wider range of foods which should make him less fussy in the long run.
You could ask her not to bring the friend round, but if the friend is to keep her company she maybe finds the childcare boring for a whole day and might decide not to do it if she can't do things her way. If she was looking after him in her house she'd be having who she wanted round and it sounds as though she's doing you a favour by hanging round your house all day.
They sound very minor niggles.

A good rule of thumb can be - would I be as pissed off if my own mum/ good friend did this?

YANBU to feel aggitated - but Y would BU to not process that feeling correctly - and could cut off your nose to spite your face.

Can you look at it from a perspective of "positive intent" from her - and the benefits to your son if you let them have their relationship?

Maybe she wants to show off her gs to her friends - and/or is proud of your lovely home?

She wants to express her love for her gs by her care thru nourishment - going the extra mile - helping you out and cooking for your child.

She committs to this regularly - giving up one of her days every other week for free - and as you say it is a "massive favour".

It can be a long boring day looking after children if you are not in your own home (even if you are in your own home!)....we all need adult company to get through the days. If you come home from work and a friend is still there you could mention to your mil that you would prefer that her friend had gone by then.

You are really blessed to have someone who loves your ds - caring for him....and so is your ds...dont let petty aggitation ruin this precious arrangment. Time flies, childcare needs and arrangments change year by year - you have no idea what is around the corner with your m & mil.

It would irritate me but I would probably have to let it go (and moan about it to myself) I wouldn't like her bringing someone over though but i would feel awkward about bringing that up with her.

My exmil is similar (ex mil1 I have 2 to contend with!) she very helpfully picks ds2 up for school in the mornings which is a huge help as I have 4 children, but, she always gives DS breakfast in her car even though I give him breakfast here (porridge) because she assumes I haven't fed him or something I think. She even sent him home from hers the other day with a loaf of bread and some sausages for their dinner (I had roast beef on!). She does send enough for everyone though, including my youngest boys who aren't her grandchildren, she never leaves them out. Plus she also picks DS up for cubs and keeps his jumper so it is 'washed properly and not lost' so he changes into it in the car on the way and takes it off before he gets home again.

On balance though, I couldn't manage without her support so I say nothing and let her crack on with it. The benefits out way the negatives.

As long as the food is healthy then I don't see the problem - 'my MIL comes round to look after my son and cooks him healthy, tasty food, although not the sort of thing I'd usually cook...' Can't you see how unreasonable that sounds?! It's a good chance for him to eat the kind of things your MIL cooks rather than just the things you cook.

It would annoy me a bit that the food I'd taken out goes to waste but surely after the first couple of times of it happening you'd just stop taking anything out!

I don't see the big deal. I'd ask her to cook extra for me! Lol

This thread has made me quite sad. I feel really sorry for Your MIL, She is looking after your ds for free, giving him a healthy meal and you are bitching about her behind her back. What does your dh think about it?

What is the harm in her cooking a fresh meal for your ds? is it just the red meat that is a problem? It sounds like you begrudge your ds eating anything that You don't like.

Maybe You dh keeps running back to Mum for a steak

I think if I was your MIL and found out what you said about me behind my back I would be very tempted to tell you to find your own childminder. And if I was feeling mean I would tell you the night before you needed me!

It's not like she is causing your child harm, she is supporting your family at no cost to you but giving up her time.

Her taste in food is not yours. In fact she is exposing your child to a wider choice of foods. What's the harm?

As for the friend, great! Why not?

If there's nothing more to it than MiL wanting to cook for DS, than yabu. Food=love to many of the 'older' generation. I know my own mum, Mil,
& all the aunties 'fed' us through all of life's crises and triumphs. It was their way of showing they loved us and wanted only the best for us. And, rightly or wrongly, they would have been hurt if we'd turned up our noses at their offerings. I wouldn't ascribe 'ulterior motives' to MiL unless she has done things in the past to disrespect you.

As far as having people over, I'll admit that would probably bother me. But more for the fact that I'm not the world's greatest housekeeper. More the 'clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy' variety. I'd probably speak to her about it.

But the bottom line is you're getting a 'service' that many pay a good deal for! In-home childcare with a cooked meal. You just need to decide if the 'price' is worth the 'service'.

Thing is, it's not just about paying for child care or not paying for childcare.
I agree that looking after your DS doesn't automatically give someone the right to ride roughshod over your wishes. But this woman is not an unpaid babysitter, she is his grandmother. She has a relationship with him that, in the best scenario, should be meaningful and valuable.
It's reasonable for her to want to make food for herself and her grandson. It's a lovely thing to do.
I think MILs get a hard time, being accused of muscling in because they don't like it that their DSs have "another woman" in their lives.
If you have a DS take a look in the mirror. Consider how you felt about your DP before you had your son, and then think again about his status in relation to your DS. I lovemy DH. But I have admitted, even to him, that my feelings for our DCs surpass are different from that. If I had a mil, and she thought that she loved my DH more than I did, she might be right
That wouldn't give her the right to muscle in, but I think there's at least as much territorial behaviour from DILs as from MiLs, (on MN anyway) and we should probably be aware that there but for the grace of god go I.

Maybe she wants To show off her grandson with her friend's too IYSWIM.

Is she awful otherwise?
Because maybe you just need to have confidence in your reALtionship with him and let her have hers

Oh ... I sometimes go to babysit my grandkids and I usually take something homemade for their meal, including bread, shepherd's pie, home cooked ham, bolognaise sauce, steak pies. I finish off the cooking at their house, use salad or veg. I findin DIL's fridge, and the kids love the food.

If I turn up empty handed, there's plenty of stuff in the fridge or freezer I can use, there's no set arrangement about what food is served, it's left to me. My DIL is delighted with the whole arrangement, and when she and my son get home from work, there's always plenty of my homemade food left for them too, which they fall on like gannets, bless their hearts!

Sorry, OP, you sound a wee bit ungrateful. As for your MIL inviting someone to keep her company, is it a different person every time or just one or two friends of hers?

Just wanted to give a MIL's perspective

YANBU.

As far as I'm concerned it's my house my rules and if anyone (MIL included) doesn't like this they can do one.

I would get DH to raise it with her and if it happened again, I'd look for someone else to babysit.

You could argue that the different meal thing isn't an issue (it's food your lo eats) but the facts (as you've presented them) is that this is something you've mentioned to her, but she's merrily ignored as she thinks she's in the right. In my experience, you let get away with this, she'll be undermining you at every opportunity from now on, and will look after your child 'her' way, ignoring what you say should be done - I'd never stand for this.

As for all those poster saying you should be grateful - for what? For 2 sessions a month where she looks after you child without charging and undermines your parenting? Maybe that's how their world works, but mines doesn't.

I doubt she will change - you either accept what she does and let it wash over you (being grateful for the childcare if you need it) or you let it all out, screw your future relationship and get ready to book someone else in for childcare.

It sounds to me as though the whole 'cooking fresh' thing is just an excuse because she loves cooking for her grandson - I can imagine my mum coming up with a similarly pathetic excuse, when all she really wants is the fun and satisfaction of seeing something she has made being eaten.

WRT the visitors - again, it sounds like a chance to show off her grandson to her friends which is perfectly understandable and kind of sweet. When my mum or MIL has my son, he goes everywhere to see people that they have talked to him about, mostly so they can wonder at his magicalness! I think it's nice to spend time with a range of different people, and hopefully be doted on twice as much. Unless you have any reason to suspect that your MIL's friends are unsavoury or inappropriate for spending time with, then I think YABU and kind of ungrateful for the support you're getting.

What's that old saying, "she who pays the piper choses the tune"...if you are not paying her, get someone who you pay who is then obliged to follow your instructions, or suck it up cupcake (another annoying saying). I know the love to hate feeling but it really doesn't matter in the long run. When they are teens they will eat worse than mince. Far, far worse...

Let it go or pay for a childminder.

Good luck with your life, Badidea
You sound very angry
Would you like to talk about it? (Offers couch)

YABU, and a controlling nightmare.

You should be wondering why you feel so insecure in your own choices that you can't just let go of the reins a little for a couple of days a month.

What on earth is wrong with the food she is cooking? There is nothing superior about chicken and rice over meat and potatoes, nothing.

You should be pleased that your child has a loving grandmother who wants to be involved in his life.

In short, your Mum is right. Pity she didn't manage to instil better manners in you sooner!

Evans

Granny cooks dinner for child shocker! Whilst childminding for free!

Ya definitely bu. who a areas what the child eats as long as they are eating. It's two small meals in a month, who cares? I am sure your food is not being wasted because food will not go off if left out of the freezer overnight, you will just use it next day surely?

As for her bringing a friend around, again what does it matter? Your out and no doubt she likes a bit of company when your child goes to bed...

Can't believe some of these threads about mil's when some mothers are even worse. I wonder what threads will be written about the mothers of today when they become mil's

Is she using your ingredients? Things you were planning to use for another meal? So you're two meals down; the wasted one (though is it, or can't you use it the next day?) and the one you were planning for another day?

I would chew my right arm off for free babysitting twice month my MIL has managed twice in 9 years.

I look forward to you being a really relaxed MIL to your PFB.

Oh let her enjoy cooking for her grandchild!

And why shouldn't she want company while
Babysitting - it's very normal to meet friends while doing childcare Presumably she loves showing off about her much loved grandchild

Lighten up ...
Seriously

Jeepers creepers I had zero, nada, zilch help when mine were tiny and get even less now they're 9 and 7. DH and I would borrow your MIL like a bleeding shot!!