AIBU and ungrateful to hate MIL bringing food when she comes over

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I've told her as diplomatically as possible that I do my shopping weekly and plan what the family will be eating.

She comes over about twice a month to look after ds whilst we are at work. I always leave food for him but shoe always insists on cooking as she wants to give him 'fresh' food. The things I leave are dinners that I have cooked and then frozen in baby portions at the weekend.

This will really sound bad but her cooking and mine are very different I'm not better, she's not better we are just different. She likes mince, meat, potato type things whereas I don't. I like rice, salad, chicken type dishes.

AIBU to feel undermined? It's happened again today, I'm home early and the dinner I left is still in the fridge and baby got something 'freshly cooked'.

I really don't know what to say.

She is doing us a massive favour by looking after ds, I know this but we don't just get on well generally.

Every time she comes over she has to invite someone to come and keep her company, this bugs the heck out of me, please tell me if I'm sounding precious but I don't like not knowing who will be in my house when I get home.

It's the end of term thank goodness, I must sound v highly strung.

Am ready for a flaming

My own mum says just accept it graciously and say nothing- is she right? I'm crap at hiding my annoyance.

Hi. I posted earlier but was a bit scared off by some replies. I'm new here.
You sound very much like me, so I feel like I could offer advice. When I had my first child I felt very much like you. Three years on I'm glad I didn't react to too many things as the relationship between the kids and their grandmas is wonderful and a very special bond. Believe me there were times I'd be so very very anxious dropping them off but decided that unless the situation was dangerous I'd try to ignore. It worked for me. Good luck.

Hello Universal - don't be scared, lovely of you to post. Sometimes it can be a bit scary (I'm pretty new too, but you just have to gird your loins and hurtle forth)!!
Good luck and Welcome!

Very good comment, Universal. I've commented from the point of view of a grandmother, but also when my daughter was born I knew she was part of a greater community, and though I initially found it very hard to have all the in-laws picking her up, I can honestly say that that family has been a rock for us and I will be eternally grateful to them for all the support and love they have given us

Despite what I said earlier, we never had any help from the in laws and never asked for any.
However my Mum loved us all very much and even if she did piss me off on occasion I would never have turned her help down, especially with the GC.
That's life isn't it, we all rub along and we learn to live with the minor irritations.
I bet your MiL isn't trying to be judgy about your food, just likes cooking for her GS.
And her pals will love watching their friend's GC grow up too and join her on days out when you are at work (or even with you sometimes)
My Mum's friends still send birthday cards to my grown up kids even though my Mum has gone.
Hope it all works out good for you all.

Mil...dammed if they do dammed if they don't!

I worry about how to not puss the dil off and my kids are 6 and 8 months!

Piss not puss stupid autocorrect

oh god, how depressing is this thread. Is this really how it is now - 'my house, my rules'? Dear god she's his grandma, she makes the trip especially to look after your son FOR FREE to help you out (how lucky are you???) and you are, or were, griping about the finest of fine details. She's cooking him fresh food ffs.

She is not a stranger who is lucky to be ushered into the presence. She assumes you trust her and therefore her choice of friends. She probably assumes she is valued and trusted - it probably hasn't occurred to her that you don't.

OP you've been prepared to climb down and accept you're BU - well done - but it's a good percentage of your replies that are bleak and thoroughly depressing.

Listen up: get over yourselves people.

Springydaffs, I second that emotion

Me three!

4

That's good, OP.

I don't like my MIL much & it can be difficult not to nit pick at everything.

I put earlier that I wouldn't like the visitors.

I think if you trust her to look after your son then you need to trust her judgement also on this.

I was thinking it would bother me if she was spending a lot of time chatting & essentially ignoring your son iyswim.

But then that's no different to being a mum & having a friend round!

I don't think it's depressing. Yes the OP has admitted she is getting overly upset about this.
On the other hand the OP is maybe thinking "would I do this if I were MIL?" and my answer would be "no". If I was looking after a future grandchild at my son and DIL's house I wouldn't invite my friends round without asking them first and if my DIL had left something out for lunch I wouldn't make something else without checking that she was happy with it, although it's not clear from the OP what MIL does for food and if she's cooking for herself them making extra for the sprog seems sensible.

oh for goodness sake - does OP need to set up a throne for her royal offspring to which MIL is required to give obeisance. He's a kid, she'll be interacting with him in the normal run of things, friend there or not, which would be good for him - otherwise he'd think he was the centre of the universe and would develop zero social skills.

springydaffs what a simplistic way you have of viewing the world, I half envy you really...

You seem to presume that just because a member of the family offers to babysit for free that you should roll out the red carpet?

Well, maybe your family are moneygrabbers but nobody in my family would ever consider charging to look after a child (and I include aunties, uncles and both sets of gparents in this, in fact, my inlaws would probably pay us to babysit their gsons).

Being a blood relation doesn't entitle anyone access to my child - my inlaws are racist, homophobic, small minded and bigoted and obsessed with getting unsupervised access to my kids, mainly so FIL can play his 'grandad of the year' act to make up for the fact he was never there for his own kids. Ain't no way I'm going to be 'grateful' for their constant meddling/undermining and continuous guilt trips, just because they happen to be grandparents.

Of course, the main difference between me and the OP is that I would never use my inlaws as babysitters, they see them once a month for an afternoon and that's at their request not to fit in with our lives (I'd be happy if it was once every 2 or 3 months or maybe even once a year...)

Then your situation is totally utterly different, no one is suggesting rolling out the carpet if your MIL is a racist homophobe. But a granny who likes to cook a cottage pie is a little different!

And they ARE doing a favour, MIL would save me 80 a day by offering to mind the children, not everyone wants to some grandparents are happy to be hands off.

harold My MIL is also a granny who likes to cook cottage pie (being a bigot doesn't stop you cooking or loving your grandkids!)

My comments were not aimed at OP at all (who has made the right decision for her) my comments were aimed at springy above who seems to think that any assistance offered by a MIL should be accepted whilst on bended knee and that parents are outrageous if they dare to think they're own rules for parenting should be upheld by people babysitting their children.

eh? Nobody needs to roll out the red carpet for anyone in this. It's about give and take, not one being the absolute authority and the other having zero respect or consideration.

This all comes within the context of MIL saving OP's family a shed load of money and inconvenience by being generous and kind. Poor woman probably has no idea there's a rigid checklist she has to comply to when she is allowed (allowed!) to help out.

OP well done for coming back.

WRT the friends, it comes up often on the nanny board and most nannies accept but feel a bit cramped by requests to only meet friends outside the house. I think it would be worth a chat on this one if there's something specific (eg could your friends head off before I get in from work as it's lovely for me to come in and feel relaxed and catch up with you) but I don't think you can rule it out altogether!

Free family childcare = compromise

Sounds like a reasonably minor one.

I don't get on very well with my mil by the way but I would use her as childcare on a regular basis over my dead body.

Exactly pomme, just a matter of deciding if it's worth the compromise or would life be easier for all concerned by using a nursery or childminder.

spring I don't see why money comes into it when you're talking about looking after a member of your family once a fortnight - you'd have to be ridiculously mercenary to expect payment for that (either that or have given up paid work yourself to do 'the favour'), certainly no-one in my extended family would do that (my parents have looked after my niece for 6 weeks during the summer holidays since she started school (she's 14 now) not only do they not charge for it (they'd be appalled at the though, my dad walks my neighbours dog every day during teh week as they work, and was offended when they tried to give him 25 quid for it!) but my sister gives them no money so they spend their own money taking my niece out for trips/cafes etc - and no, my parents aren't well off).

And agreeing to babysit your grandchild doesn't mean that you're being generous and kind, you might just want to spend time with your grandchild (you could still be a selfish, controlling bitch who likes undermining your DIL..)

Good point badidea - but your family is far from the norm (you lucky thing!).

and, hey, some DILs can be selfish, controlling bitches who like undermining their MIL. A young woman is not necessarily innocent and lovely, the older woman necessarily a bitch. Just saying

But I do think that to regularly give up a whole day is indeed generous and kind, no matter how you look at it.

spring completely agree that bitchiness has nothing to do with age and everything to do with attitude. I may well be a MIL myself one day and have my DILS moaning and whining about me (I've learned how not to be a MIL to someone like me, but my DIL may well prefer the way my MIL is to me so I'm sure I'll still screw up .

Not that I'm one for defending my MIL, but my MIL also looked after her gdaughter for 2 days a week from the time she was 6 months old to she started school at 5yrs, and they still regularly take her for school holidays/weekends etc, and they've never charged a penny for any of it (in fact, they continually go on about how they don't see her enough...). They are better off than my folks, but still.

I, however, chose to pay for a childminder to look after my son even though MIL offered to look after him full time for free.

I can see that other DILs in my shoes may well appreciate all that more than me and not focus on the crappy (moral) stuff so much, but you don't get to choose your DIL or your MIL so we're stuck with each other!

hey, some DILs can be selfish, controlling bitches who like undermining their MIL. A young woman is not necessarily innocent and lovely, the older woman necessarily a bitch. Just saying

Very true, I have known a few of those horrid DILS they are people after all.

However, the DIL usually isn't the one with anything to loose so there is usually no motivation for her to feel jealous or pushed out so problems usually do not stem from them. The DIL has her husband, she has her children and so on...what is there too loose what has she gained, everything...why should she feel the need to be jealous or anything?

The MIL on the other hand feels like she has lost control of her son, has feelings of being past it all mixed up with a strange woman coming in and setting up her own family and MIL does not like the way she does things, her son should have his shirts ironed, her son should not have to cook, the gc should be allowed this and that and the other....The family should give her ultimate precedence at all times....Her darling should be treated like a KING no matter what by his wife.....

LOTS more motivation there for causing problems, and by god do some of 'em