AIBU and ungrateful to hate MIL bringing food when she comes over

[RedPencilPot]

I've told her as diplomatically as possible that I do my shopping weekly and plan what the family will be eating.

She comes over about twice a month to look after ds whilst we are at work. I always leave food for him but shoe always insists on cooking as she wants to give him 'fresh' food. The things I leave are dinners that I have cooked and then frozen in baby portions at the weekend.

This will really sound bad but her cooking and mine are very different I'm not better, she's not better we are just different. She likes mince, meat, potato type things whereas I don't. I like rice, salad, chicken type dishes.

AIBU to feel undermined? It's happened again today, I'm home early and the dinner I left is still in the fridge and baby got something 'freshly cooked'.

I really don't know what to say.

She is doing us a massive favour by looking after ds, I know this but we don't just get on well generally.

Every time she comes over she has to invite someone to come and keep her company, this bugs the heck out of me, please tell me if I'm sounding precious but I don't like not knowing who will be in my house when I get home.

It's the end of term thank goodness, I must sound v highly strung.

Am ready for a flaming

My own mum says just accept it graciously and say nothing- is she right? I'm crap at hiding my annoyance.

My MiL throws away the food that I send with my DS when she looks after him (every monday afternoon). I just stopped sending it, it's easier than getting worked up and arguing the point.

she is looking after your child
she LIKES to feed your child, home cooked food

so fucking let her! stop cooking the baby food

you do sound precious, sorry

YANBU. This would really bug me.

Yes, she's doing them a favour. BUT completely disregarding specific requests in regards to YOUR child is just plain rude.

What if she decided to give him a lollipop/chewing gum(insert inappropriate food here). Should the op just put up and shut up?

OP - I would start being (nicely) a lot more insistent. 'His dinners in the fridge - please can you give it him as it will be off by tomorrow and I don't want to see it wasted.'

Mine does the same. Like some pp have said I just think of the food savings I'm making - she'd do it anyway.

The thing I found really hard was that she would dress dd1 in clothes she had bought but never shown me - even though I always sent her over there (two days a week) with clothes she had bought and given me, with changes she'd has also bought and given.

I felt a real loss of control over it, since she would often print me a pic if their day and dd would be wearing something completely unrecognisable to me.

Then I pulled myself together, realised it made her happy, less washing for me, less planning, probably a closer relationship between the two of them - which, although I find mil a bit wearing, I think is crucial for the both of them - and now I find it all advantageous. Try to do the same.

YANBU for feeling like this, but grin and bear it and soon you probably won't mind so much.

Of

I think YANBU and people on here are being harsh. Presumably the food you make him is going to waste, if you've defrosted it and then she doesn't use it?

And she shouldn't be inviting people to YOUR house.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum it doesn't read that way to me. Not like, "oh, we had a nice shepherds pie today!" Nothing wrong with that. Insisting on "fresh" food (OP's own words and own quotes) is an insult to OP. Saying "I will not feed your own child what you, his own mother, have prepared for him - I refuse. I will feed him fresh food, unlike what you want to give him" - it is an insult?

Feeding him isn't a big deal (it's a good thing if it's consistent - one less meal to prep), feeding him different isn't a big deal (assuming it's only things OP doesn't make or prefer, not things she actively does not want him eating, which doesn't seem to be the case), it's the insisting and the insulting.

Cannot conceive of a situation in which "The meal you prepared? No, I insist on feeding your child FRESH food" is not an insult. "But I'm cooking for myself anyway so I might as well" - fine. "But I really want to cook for him, I enjoy it" - fine. That's not what she says though. She's saying she is feeding him better than OP is, that's an insult!

What if she decided to give him a lollipop/chewing gum(insert inappropriate food here). Should the op just put up and shut up?

But she's not - she's providing healthy, home-cooked food. That would be a different argument, and something requiring a different viewpoint. OP does need to put up and shut up just a little, if nothing is wrong. As I understand it, nothing is wrong, Granny is just being Granny (and providing free childcare a couple of times a month)

So the poor women gives her days up to do free childcare and lovingly cooks for her grandchild yet its not good enough. Whats wrong with her having company, its not like shes inviting robbers to the house.

If you dont like it, then stop using her for free childcare and pay somebody to do it exactly as you like.

Cheapskates can't really grumble, eh?

I have never ever said anyone is being unreasonable, simply because people tend to post ridiculous AIBU, that clearly puts them I a favourable light.

This one, OP, is different.

I think you are being unreasonable. You have no idea how lucky you are. Added to which, this is twice a flipping month. Think of it as your child getting a bit of iron in red meat. And as for the company, trust your MIL.

What if she decided to give him a lollipop/chewing gum(insert inappropriate food here). Should the op just put up and shut up?

A daft comment if ever there was one. This is completely different scenario from what is occurring. Yes, that would be unreasonable. Feeding her grandson mince? No, that is not unreasonable.

She cooks healthy food? Really don't get why you can't incorporate that into the weeks planning. It's cheaper after all. And in fact it's better he gets other different stuff than you give isn't it? As he then accepts more.

I think as long as she said Mabel and Maeve visit this week I'd let it go. Just ask her! Hey whose visiting this week?

Tbh you are looking for fights aren't you?

I can see why this annoys you. And I get that you feel undermined by her rejection of your food in favour of hers.
But if you're happy with what she makes then I think you should graciously accept her cooking for him.
Stop making the food and save yourself the time and money. Just say thank you and do something else with your time and energy.

I can understand why you feel put out, but if she's doing this so regularly can you not just incorporate it into your planning? Your comment about the difference in your tastes is very revealing, neither is unhealthy so suggests to me it's the fact that she has cooked it, rather than what is cooked.

Why does it bug you that she has company over? It sounds territorial on your part.

I'd assume she is cooking for herself/friend aswell. Maybe she prefers to have her main meal at lunch.

I'd just say that you wont bother getting anything out for DC as you know he eats with her.

He will soon be eating lots of food you haven't prepped at nursery, school etc.

It's wasteful not to use the food which has already been prepared but perhaps MIL just really enjoys cooking for ds.

Does ds have a very long nap? Is MIL easily bored?

It's the principal of it.

Would I leave my child with someone who routinely disregarded my wishes/requests in regards to my child? No.

My mum used to mind my two for three days a week. It was offered, she wanted to, I was grateful nonetheless as the money we would have had to pay for a cm went on other things.

I still expected the respect to not be discounted though. It is because my mum didn't respect me as their parent enough, and continued to do whatever the hell she liked that we now have a cm. And life is so, so much easier. If we had more children now, I wouldn't let them be minded by a family member for anything.

I think it depends on the wider context here, is this the straw to break the camels back in terms of being over ridden and undermined or this is just a one/twice off thing twice a month...

its only a fwe times a montfh i would be likely to swallow it if there are no other major issues..friend in house would not bother me really

Another MIL bashing thread.

Pay for your own childcare then. I really can't see what she is doing wrong.

What does your DH think? Has he any strong opinion either way?

I think the up and down of it is that if you are going to be at logger-heads with a family member over anything when they are looking after your kids it's best to call it a day and use a CM or day nursery. Not because it's ''their rules if its free care'', but because these things can escalate into bad feeling all round and its just not worth the hassle.

You could use the excuse that you want the opportunity for your DS to start to learn to mingle with other little ones.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable.

I would be annoyed if someone was feeding my dc something I had asked them not to.

I would also be annoyed if they asked other people round, if I had asked them not to.

You need to decide whether the benefit of the free childcare is greater than the annoyance of the wishes being ignored.

I don't think YABU. My MIL does exactly the same but doesn't invite people over on a regular basis however she has invited family friends over to my house and then insisted on doing all the meal planning and cooking. She refuses to use the dishwasher and leaves the dishes to dry stacked on the draining board which drives me mental and she knows this. I would just rather she left the dishes to myself or DH

I think this type of behaviour is phsycological (sp) warfare and they use these tactics to remain the dominant female because they don't like to think that their sons have chosen another woman to be equally as important. I had strong words with my MIL over a family holiday next year. She comes from a country where everyone, the dogs, chickens and kitchen sink literally get packed into a car or on the back of a motorbike but because I suggested this wasn't my preferred way to travel with young kids I was told I was being too English. Other things have happened such as her leaving Watchtower magazines in the kid's bedroom (she is JV) when she has been expressly forbidden to do this by DH. While I am grateful for the childcare she does it can sometimes come at too a high price. In hindsight I would rather have paid extra in childcare but it's too late to change the arrangement now without it becoming obvious why. Other than this we do actually get along for the most part.

I think this is about your wider relationship with MIL, not the food or the visitors tbh. I used to have similar reactions to not entirely unreasonable things my MIL did too. I've kind of learned to let most of it go now - I save my energies for the more important stuff and I feel better for not letting her rile me too.

Definitely let it go re the food.

Re the visitors - are these not people either you or your dh know? If so, this really wouldn't bother me at all - I really enjoy spending time with my kids but I also like a bit of adult company. Could it be a confidence thing as well? It's good to have another adult for backup, when you need the loo etc Quite different looking after someone else's small child v one of your own ime.