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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about being uninvited for being pregnant!

577 replies

WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 11:49

Ok I've name changed and it's a wedding one folks.

Late last year a very good, lifelong friend of my DH's announces that he has booked his wedding this summer in a Mediterranean holiday destination. We booked straight away, flights, hotel and MIL booked a week off work to look after our DC's. All good and looking forward to it.

I recently found out that I'm unexpectedly pregnant, not planned, bit of a shock but happy about it. At the weekend DH went out for a few drinks with his friend and happened to tell him that I'm 9 weeks pregnant. All appeared well and his friend congratulated him and seemed pleased, he was joking about DH having to put up with all the sleepless nights again.

On Monday night DH got a phone call from his friend basically saying that he didn't want to fall out with him but they (friend and his wife-to-be) think that it's best that I don't attend the wedding. He went on to explain that her sister had a failed 2nd attempt at IVF in February and they think my being there will be far too upsetting for her sister and bil and will spoil the day. DH said he understood but had paid out money we could ill afford and probably wouldn't get it back. His friend said that we should still come and I could spend the day sightseeing whilst DH goes to the wedding! We are all staying in the same hotel so she'll see me anyway!

We have booked this at the expense of a family holiday this year. I don't want to be hanging around on my own sodding sightseeing at bloody 29 weeks pregnant, I would far rather be on holiday with kids or getting the the pram and car seat that we need for this baby. I'm really bloody angry about it, DH thinks I'm being a bitch and should be more understanding. I really can't see his point at all and we aren't speaking.

So please, if you have got this far give me some perspective. AIBU and should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
lapetitesiren · 03/04/2014 12:54

Now he's organising family holiday and changing it maybe he should just make a calm call to his friend before making the switch. He could say they are making an error of judgement as can' t protect her from ever seeing babies and children. Ask if they want to reconsider on the understanding that he won' t be coming if you are not. Give them a chance to back down- it will be forgotton about by the time you go.
My guess is maybe they are tight on numbers and wanted a place for someone else.

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 12:55

Nennypops there is no point going back to the bride and groom and begging as I just can't be the same with them and really don't want to be anywhere near their wedding after this. I will be telling DH that they are not welcome to visit after the birth of this baby either. Don't want them anywhere near me.

OP posts:
EvaBeaversProtege · 03/04/2014 12:56

Can't believe any b&g would be so thoughtless.

Nennypops · 03/04/2014 12:57

We had a similar situation once when I was effectively uninvited to the wedding of a friend of dh's because I would have a newborn whom I intended to breastfeed, and I was therefore inconsiderate enough to want to bring the baby with me. I was perfectly prepared to whisk the baby out if he so much as squawked, and to take a hotel room at the reception venue so I could also feed him in peace etc. When I was uninvited, dh took the view that we came as a package and if they didn't want me they didn't want him, and he told them he wasn't going. His friend was quite apologetic and OK about it, his fiance - who was the one who had been all Bridezilla about it - wasn't, and for a long time dh only ever met up with the friend on his own. However, there has been a degree of defrosting more recently, mostly on the basis that we mutually pretend none of it happened.

Nennypops · 03/04/2014 13:01

OP, I completely see your point and understand why you are very angry. However, I would suggest that you don't make any final decisions about cutting them off completely, because I suppose from their point of view they think they are being ultra-considerate to the sister, and for all you know they may have had to cope with her being incredibly distressed by all of this so it is distorting their thinking. With luck they will come round to seeing how ridiculous they are being and how offensive they have been to you, and I wouldn't therefore necessarily reject them for ever.

MaryWestmacott · 03/04/2014 13:04

oh OP, seems your DH is trying ot make the best of a bad situation, and let you all have a good family holiday. Bear in mind if you had gone to this wedding, you'd probably have spent money on stag do, drinks and meals out with the wedding party etc, this way, you just use that money for your DCs.

I guess he's realised he was taking his upset out on you.

Cut out B&G, they aren't polite people.

eurochick · 03/04/2014 13:04

Another IVFer here who thinks this is plain ridiculous. It is not possible to avoid pregnant women and babies while you are having difficulties ttc. I bet someone at the wedding will be pregnant anyway - a pregnant guest is a wedding stable, like a lecherous uncle and a teary mother of the bride.

BoffinMum · 03/04/2014 13:04

DH's best friend's Bridezilla decided to have a child free wedding, when I had a newborn and was bf. The invitation was particularly patronising, as I recall, with lots of references to the fact 'we all know how noisy children are' and 'her big day' etc. We were supposed to travel hours and hours to the middle of nowhere, leaving DS3 behind, and stay overnight some random place even further away. DH ended up going on his own as I refused, and I also took them off the Xmas card list and stopped inviting them over to ours. Their loss. Ironically we were all invited to another wedding (at the Downton Abbey building!) when I was bf and the baby barely made a peep and was quite happily handed around endlessly at the reception for cuddles.

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 13:05

nenny they have blown a massive hole in our budget at a time when we really didn't need it. They have shown no consideration at all towards us and whilst I can't see DH cutting his friend off, I certainly can't bring myself to have anything more to do with them. I won't mellow over time either!

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 03/04/2014 13:06

I'm being thick, I think, but will you be spending any more money if your DH has been able to swap the dates?

And YANBU about your original question! I can't believe the brass neck of some people. What is it about weddings that turns people into arseholes? This woman will have to toughen up a bit or she'll be bursting into tears on the street every day; you can't avoid all pregnant women.

I'm glad your DH seems to be trying to make amends, but I think he owes you big time. You are quite right IMO to tell him firmly that you don't want anything to do with this couple and certainly don't want them visiting.

Lastly, congrats on your pregnancy and however this works out, enjoy your holiday or the pram/car seat/anything else you decide to spend the money on instead.

ErrolTheDragon · 03/04/2014 13:06

Hope your DH sorts it out and you have a lovely holiday.

What idiots. They really hadn't thought it through - barring just you from the wedding... so if the poor lady who's struggling with IVF might have asked why you weren't at the ceremony - 'because you're too fragile to cope with a PG woman at a wedding' would really have helped her. Hmm

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 13:08

only we have had to get flights for the DC's now, that's how it's costing more!

OP posts:
IamaBreastfeedingTramp · 03/04/2014 13:08

Yanbu. That's all. So rude. I think they will look back one day and be very embarrassed.

OnlyLovers · 03/04/2014 13:10

OP, I see. Yes, that is a pain.

Personally I wouldn't speak to my DP for about a month week if he told me I was being a bitch.

FryOneFatManic · 03/04/2014 13:11

LokiDokey I agree that it's unlikely that they'll pay up if asked. But if the question is asked then maybe it'll actually make them think, especially if other people happen to hear about the circumstances.

I do feel sorry for the sister, especially if she ever finds out that her personal business is being tattled everywhere.

Bahhhhhumbug · 03/04/2014 13:12

Ridiculous , you are being villainised for being pregnant and as for your DHs reaction - words fail me. I can only imagine he is under tremendous pressure to please everybody and keep the peace should be definitely firmly on your side.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 03/04/2014 13:16

Can you (just about) afford the kids flights? If so - I think I'd go for it. Make it clear to your dh that he won't be able to go on a stag do or get a present for his friend.

We went on holiday with dd (then nearly 3) when I was 27 weeks with ds. It was wonderful as it cemented us as a family of 3 before our family was changed forever. (In a good way. Smile )

I'll always remember that holiday as a wonderful wonderful time.

Theresadogonyourballs · 03/04/2014 13:16

I've had failed IVF's, and yes, it does hurt. However, loads of people were pregnant around that time, including my best friend, (twice!). And you know what? I sucked it up, because you have to. She will see pregnant women everywhere, (I was certainly more aware of them), and you just have to deal with it.
As an aside, I think the problem is more your H. A little story - a friend of mine got married a few years ago and one of her closest friends is a man. The bride fell out with his wife over something really petty just before the wedding and uninvited her in a fit of pique. We all expected the husband to stay away too in support of his DW, but no. He turned up, acted like nothing had happened, ate, drank, stayed to the very end. The general consensus amongst the guests was that he was a prize dick for being so disloyal to his wife.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/04/2014 13:17

I'm glad you managing to use the money for a family holiday instead. Much better than losing the money. I wish I could be a fly on the wall why your DH tells them he won't be going and have postpone hotel booking too.

sezamcgregor · 03/04/2014 13:17

Hope you have a great time on your family holiday!

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 03/04/2014 13:18

One other thing - sows anyone else suspect that the sister will go and have a successful IVF or get pregnant naturally and either cancel as she doesn't want to risk the flight or spend the entire trip longing for a pregnant buddy she can happily discuss whether or not the chocolate mousse has raw egg in while fondly rubbing their bumps!

Theresadogonyourballs · 03/04/2014 13:19

Oops - just seen your update. Glad he saw sense, have a great time. Smile

sezamcgregor · 03/04/2014 13:20

I'd also be very surprised if someone else doesn't fall pregnant between now and the wedding.

Better still, I'd put money on the fact that the bride herself falls pregnant.

ZenGardener · 03/04/2014 13:23

Glad to hear he has seen sense. I hope it doesn't cost you too much more and you have a great time at the beginning of August.

TheKnightsThatSayNee · 03/04/2014 13:25

I agree with everyone that they are a bunch of dicks but maybe it would help if you have a chat with the groom. Not to get your self invited or anything but it might help you feel better about the situation. Maybe this is all very reluctant and brides sister is having a MH break down, maybe if you see that side of things more it won't feel so personal. But you are definitely NBU.