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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about being uninvited for being pregnant!

577 replies

WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 11:49

Ok I've name changed and it's a wedding one folks.

Late last year a very good, lifelong friend of my DH's announces that he has booked his wedding this summer in a Mediterranean holiday destination. We booked straight away, flights, hotel and MIL booked a week off work to look after our DC's. All good and looking forward to it.

I recently found out that I'm unexpectedly pregnant, not planned, bit of a shock but happy about it. At the weekend DH went out for a few drinks with his friend and happened to tell him that I'm 9 weeks pregnant. All appeared well and his friend congratulated him and seemed pleased, he was joking about DH having to put up with all the sleepless nights again.

On Monday night DH got a phone call from his friend basically saying that he didn't want to fall out with him but they (friend and his wife-to-be) think that it's best that I don't attend the wedding. He went on to explain that her sister had a failed 2nd attempt at IVF in February and they think my being there will be far too upsetting for her sister and bil and will spoil the day. DH said he understood but had paid out money we could ill afford and probably wouldn't get it back. His friend said that we should still come and I could spend the day sightseeing whilst DH goes to the wedding! We are all staying in the same hotel so she'll see me anyway!

We have booked this at the expense of a family holiday this year. I don't want to be hanging around on my own sodding sightseeing at bloody 29 weeks pregnant, I would far rather be on holiday with kids or getting the the pram and car seat that we need for this baby. I'm really bloody angry about it, DH thinks I'm being a bitch and should be more understanding. I really can't see his point at all and we aren't speaking.

So please, if you have got this far give me some perspective. AIBU and should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
Ploppy16 · 03/04/2014 12:06

Sorry, missed the week bit for some reason Blush
Are you supposed to spend a week on your own away from the wedding party??

InAGrump · 03/04/2014 12:08

Yanbu that's awful. Are you sure you can't change hotel??

ZenGardener · 03/04/2014 12:08

What an awful situation :(

Your husband is acting like a selfish prick.

What do you want to do?

Ewock · 03/04/2014 12:09

To be honest your h is being very unsupportive. I feel for the sister but really how can you ban a person because they are pregnant. It's totally ridiculous and callous. I realise you can not get your money back but can you change your holiday? Some companies will allow you to change destinations as long as it is the same type of holiday and the same people going. They will charge a fee though. IMO your h should be supporting you and tell his friend to bugger off, no way will he go without you.

HobbetInTheHeadlights · 03/04/2014 12:09

DH is of the opinion that he needs to be there. I suggested him going alone but he went mad at that and said of course he wasn't going to be on his own all week surrounded by other couples so effectively, I'm banning him from going!

WTF - your DH is very unreasonable.

He want to be there - he can go and explain why you aren't wanted there. Expecting you to go and hide away is bizarre.

OH IME other guests will assume your the one being difficult and not attending everything not that your not invited.

Curlyweasel · 03/04/2014 12:09

You are definitely not being unreasonable and what nochips said.

Also, if the wedding's not for another 4 months or so (if my rubbish calculations are correct), the chances are the bride's sister may be less raw about IVF failure by then.

In any event, it's a complete overreaction on the bride and groom's part - as others have said, SIL is going to see pregnant people.

I'd be saying no to wedding unless univite rescinded and just going for the holiday (hotel may be able to transfer you to another one if you really can't cancel it).

Your OH should be being more supportive. Prick.

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 12:09

Hell knows what I am supposed to do but he'll will freeze over before I go somewhere I'm not wanted. I am bloody furious and no DH doesn't really have form for being a dick, he's usually supportive!

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/04/2014 12:10

That is hilarious - and ridiculous - and awful for you, sorry.

You are not being a bitch. Your DH needs to front this out with his mate. You being there will spoil their day?! His mate sounds like a lunatic.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/04/2014 12:11

Give them a full list of the costs you've incurred. Ask whether they prefer to reimburse you or reinstate your invitation. They are being ludicrous.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/04/2014 12:12

Thats a good idea, Ghoul. I would do that, with a really nice non confrontational letter attached. Surely the bride isn't going along with this nonsense?

Cringechilli · 03/04/2014 12:12

I doubt this instruction has come from the sister who had ivf.

The bride and groom are being absolutely ridiculous and selfish as youve booked and I would cut contact over this. Your dh must be high to think you are being selfish. I would ask the bride and groom to pay the money you are losing on your hotel room and tell them to sell it on to someone else seeing as this is their issue.

I also wonder whether bride and groom will out off having their own family indefinitely until the sister has a family.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/04/2014 12:13

Oh it is the brides sister. oop.

IceBeing · 03/04/2014 12:13

This is just incredible....I don't actually understand how you can uninvite someone.

petalunicorn · 03/04/2014 12:13

I just wouldn't go. You can't 'ban' your husband from going but he can't make you go either. The whole thing will just be ridiculous. Everyone will ask dh where his wife is, what will he say? He should ask the groom that!!

I would also ask the groom if he can refund you now you are uninvited.

I also bet no one has actually asked the sister.

Melonade · 03/04/2014 12:14

Unbelievable! I can imagine this must be quite hurtful for you OP. I would still take the holiday whatever happens. I don't see how the groom's sister can avoid all pregnant women who might upset her, its totally impractical, and its not her getting married anyway. Its supposed to be about the bride and groom. What a silly mess of them to create!

Ticklishy · 03/04/2014 12:15

This discrimination is against the law, surely... ;)

SpringBreak · 03/04/2014 12:15

what Ghoul said.
Realistically, the best thing for the sister to do is hide away indefinitely because she may well encounter pregnant women intruding on her life and shoving their bumps in her face all over the place in shops / on buses etc.
(in reality poor sister is probably completely unaware of all this)

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 12:15

With all due respect to DH's friend, I don't think this is coming from him. The thing that interests me is that the the last time we were out they were both saying how desperate they were to get married so they could start a family. She was laughing about how broody she was! How are they going to manage that without hurting her sisters fillings.

God the more I talk about this the angrier I'm getting, and to think my kids aren't having a fucking holiday. Furious is not the word.

OP posts:
ZenGardener · 03/04/2014 12:15

If they change their minds and allow you to attend, would you want to go?

If the answer is yes then I'd get your husband to speak to them again.

If the answer is no then I'd stay home and let him go by himself.

TheRealYellowWiggle · 03/04/2014 12:16

Has the sister even said she doesn't want you to go? Are they just guessing she couldn't cope with it?
It is hard being around pg people (especially if they made a big deal about getting pg by accident) when you can't do it yourself. However I would have been mortified if I thought someone was turned away from a wedding so as to not cause me distress - I'd be more distressed at that iyswim.

mrsdowneyjnr · 03/04/2014 12:17

I don't understand why being banned from the ceremony but not the holiday is a resolution, surely the sister will be spending time with you all over the week?

Or are you supposed to put a bell around your neck so everyone knows your coming and can disperse accordingly. Ridiculous. Don't go and tell your DH he is an arse.

wishingchair · 03/04/2014 12:17

Can you book flights for your kids and turn it into a family holiday?

And no, YANBU!!

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 12:17

feelings

OP posts:
HopefulHamster · 03/04/2014 12:18

This is bonkers! I've struggled for years with infertility and if I'd got married when I was having issues I wouldn't have made pregnancy an issue when inviting people - certainly not have they'd already been invited! And definitely not if I was just the sister of the bride!

Daisy75 · 03/04/2014 12:19

I'm gobsmacked at this, really.

How do they know no one else is pregnant/going to be showing by then? Does this sister walk around in blinkers?!

I wouldn't stand for it. Insist that you are going, find a nice non-obviously maternity outfit.

Are there going to be children there? Will that not affect her sensibilities?!

Incredulous.